The Three of Us (3 page)

‘Thirty-six.'

She pulls a face, then shrugs. ‘Thirty-six? The female body starts winding down, hun. Tell you what I'm gonna do…' And she takes a deep breath. ‘I'm gonna prescribe you Provera which you gotta take for seven full days, that'll bring your period on, but don't take it until we have the results of the blood test, just to be sure, OK? Go down the corridor and ask for Donna, the lab technician, she'll take your blood and then call me on Thursday between 12.30 p.m. and 1.30 p.m., and we'll give you the results, OK, oh and leave a urine sample too, if it's negative, your system's probably adjusting itself to being thirty-six; sorry but that's the way the cookie crumbles, and you take the Provera.' Another breath: ‘If it's positive, well, you make another appointment to see an obstetrician.'

Down the corridor, Donna, the technician, snaps on skintight cream rubber gloves, ties a rubber tube round my left arm and flicks at my veins like I've seen junkies do in movies. ‘You do look a little peaky,' she observes, withdrawing the needle with one hand and skilfully unpeeling a Band-Aid with the other. ‘Could be a sign. I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya.'

Tuesday, 12 May

Peter

Our curiosity piqued by the outsize V sign in our view, Joanna has asked me to phone the Vault, which, she suggests, we should visit. I refuse. S&M is not really my scene. I am a coward. I treat pain as an enemy and go to great lengths to avoid humiliation.

‘But it'll make a great story,' she wheedles. She is always desperate for column ideas.

Later in the day, running short of work-displacement activities to divert myself from my book, I pick up the phone and dial the Vault.

‘Welcome to the Vault,' says the earnestly perky male voice on the answering machine. ‘America's most popular S&M club. Please listen to our upcoming attractions:

 

Friday is our bare buns contest;

Saturday is our foot fetish night;

Sunday is the finals of our bald beaver competition;

Monday is our popular schoolgirl evening;

Tuesday features hot-wax branding;

on Wednesday our weekly slave auction takes place;

join us Thursday for Shiatsu bondage;

and next Friday is our speciality dental 'n' head restraint.

 

We supper at the garage-like Café Braque, voted New York's coolest summer hangout, full of slender models nibbling tiny organic mesclun leaves, and I tell Joanna of the varied fare offered by our neighbourhood club. ‘What do you fancy being entered for,' I enquire. ‘Bare buns? Perhaps a little hot-wax branding?'

‘What really intrigues me,' she confides, ‘is the speciality dental 'n' head restraint. What on earth could that be?'

Thursday, 14 May

Joanna

Though my period has still not arrived, all other symptoms have disappeared. I don't feel sick and I've lost two lbs, but I spend the weekend imagining I may be pregnant. And, as my friends constantly remind me, I am thirty-six and it's about time.

At exactly 12.35 p.m., as instructed, I phone Dr Beth's number and am immediately plunged into another curse of contemporary America: voicemail hell.

‘Please listen to the following information
BEFORE
pressing your relevant number.

‘If you are an existing patient press one to hear a series of options.

‘If you are a new patient wishing to register with us, please have your insurance number ready to enter via your keypad.'

I press one.

‘If you need help with our fax number, website or e-mail address, press one followed by the pound sign.

‘If you would like to book an urgent appointment press two.

‘If you would like to make a routine appointment press three.

‘To cancel an appointment press four.

‘For all queries about billing or to review your account press five.

‘For all other enquiries press six.'

I press six.

‘To book a pap-smear test press one.

‘To receive results of a recent pap-smear test only, press two; do not press this number if you require results from any other test.

‘To book a hospital appointment needing your doctor's consent press three.

‘To change the date or time of a hospital appointment press four.

‘To request a repeat prescription press five.

‘To request a new prescription press six.

‘To request information for legal reasons which may be confidential from your personal file, press seven.

‘All those needing to speak with an operator press eight and stay on the line.'

I press eight to be greeted by a short burst of Barbra Streisand singing ‘Evergreen', quickly interrupted by another message.

‘Thank you for calling. All our operators are busy. Please call back later. Our office hours are from 9.30 a.m. until 5 p.m.'

I phone back again. And again, swearing as I hit the redial button. Would it be quicker to walk there? At 1.28 p.m. I finally get through and ask for Donna, the technician.

‘Hello, Jo-wanna,' she says, uncertainly. ‘How you doin' today?'

‘Oh fine. I was just calling to get my results from the blood tests on Friday.'

‘Right, just hang on, Joanna, I'm gonna get Dr Beth to explain them to ya. Stay right where y'are.' And before I can say anything I hear her pick up another receiver. ‘Dr Beth? Ya gotta minute? I got Joanna Coles on the line, you said to call you when she got through?'

‘Hi, Joanna,' says Dr Beth. ‘It's not good news I'm afraid.'

I feel my insides deflate.

‘To be honest with you, hun, I don't know exactly what's going on, you're certainly something – but it's not pregnant. We need you to come back and have another blood test. Can you come in soon, like this afternoon?'

‘How do you mean it's certainly something?' I ask, feeling weak.

‘Are you OK, hun?' asks Dr Beth.

‘Um, yes, just a bit disappointed,' I mumble. ‘I could be there in about ten minutes? Do you think it's something serious?'

‘Nah, probably not, but we need to make sure, OK? I'll tell Donna to expect you,' she says, before adding gently, ‘I'll speak to you tomorrow, when we've got the new results in. And take care, OK?'

I call Peter, but he's out so I leave a message. ‘I've got to go back for more blood tests,' I say melodramatically. ‘But apparently I'm still not pregnant.'

Ovarian cysts, cancer, fibroids, early menopause … I run through the list in the cab as we hurtle down Fifth, past New York's glorious Public Library, which my mother once compared unfavourably to Leeds Town Hall, and swing onto 30th Street in front of the surgery.

After taking a photocopy of my insurance card, the receptionist sends me straight through to Donna. ‘Did you wanna be pregnant?' she asks sympathetically.

I nod, suddenly realizing that after years of denying it, I really do.

‘What do you think is wrong?' I manage.

‘Well, a reading of under five is definitely negative. Your score was eleven, which is too low to be positive but too high to be negative, so that's why we're doing you another test. Do you feel pregnant?'

I shrug, suddenly exhausted, as she snaps on her gloves again and taps my arm. ‘This time call me on my direct line and I'll give you the results myself,' she whispers, handing me her card.

Friday, 15 May

Peter

I am determined not to allow the wait for my test results to paralyse me into a state of limbo. I must keep active. Physically active. Today I decide to go rollerblading along Riverside Walk. This stretch of sidewalk from Chelsea Piers down to Battery Park must be one of the most congenial rollerblading courses in the world. It is a safe, level, cement strip with views on one side across the Hudson River and on the other over to Greenwich Village then TriBeCa, City Hall and the World Trade Towers.

I am a reasonable blader, about intermediate level, I think. I very seldom fall, but I take no chances, strapping myself into my matte black safety gear: helmet, elbow pads, wrist protectors with Velcro fasteners and plastic reinforcers, mittens, and knee pads with black plastic cups over the joints themselves. Thus attired, I can blade for about fifteen minutes before I need to rest, or else I risk cramping up. I think there is something wrong with my blading posture. I have even been to blading school at Chelsea Piers, once. I went to the intermediate class, where I found myself surrounded by large middle-aged women and small children. I was the only adult male. Since then I have tried to self-tutor by watching other, more advanced bladers and attempting to ape them, straightening my back and assuming a more open, balletic posture. Invariably I soon revert to my clenched, bent stance.

There is one physical barrier that seriously blights my blading enjoyment. It is the West Side Highway, the eight-lane stream of traffic that I am forced to cross to get to the river walk. Although there is a pedestrian crossing, the flashing green man has been wrongly adjusted by the Traffic Department. For intermediate bladers like myself, he provides an inadequately fleeting window of opportunity in which to blade across, and the impatient traffic sits on the line revving up for their green, like racing cars waiting for a chequered starting-flag to fall. Nor is it unknown for them to jump the lights. I find that under the close scrutiny of eight rows of New York drivers, my blading deteriorates significantly. I wobble nervously and falter like a beginner. Once I reach the other side I feel triumphant, liberated. Until the time approaches to cross again, as it always does.

But today, today is my last crossing of the West Side Highway. Today I have almost reached the other side when, unaccountably, my left skate jams and I fall heavily – just as the lights turn in favour of a grid of trucks. The Mack truck nearest me releases its brakes with a menacing pneumatic wheeze, kicks into gear and advances. I look up desperately, but my perspective is too low to allow me to see the driver, too low to fix him with pleading eyes. The truck looms dangerously and then emits a vast, throaty, customized hoot. My whole body resonates, right to the fillings in my molars. I scuttle desperately to the kerb, a spidery, Gothic figure in my matte black safety outfit and the goat's hooves of my black skates. I felt that I must look like one of those Calcutta pavement cripples, cosmetically enhanced by callous relatives for more proficient begging. I haul myself up over the concrete lip to safety, where I sit, feeling the laughter of the driver wash over me. Fast, proficient skaters, the ones I have been trying to emulate, blade gracefully past me.

‘Bad blades, man. You OK?' yells one cheerily, as he whisks past shirtless, and without any safety gear, casually ramping some substantial obstacle. He is well out of earshot before I can reply.

I bend down to examine my recalcitrant skate, expecting to find a shard of gravel from the nearby roadworks, wedged in my axle. Instead I find a used condom has wrapped itself around a wheel with the aid of a puce blob of chewing gum. I gingerly peel off the condom and its attendant gluey tendrils of gum, remove my skates and hobble home in my socks.

I check for phone messages, but my test results still aren't in.

Monday, 18 May

Joanna

Though part of me wants to sit and obsess until the next set of results comes through, Peter persuades me that I would be better kept busy and so, at 7 p.m., we set off for the Royal Shakespeare Company's summer fund-raiser organized by Tina Brown, the editor of the
New Yorker.
It takes place at the Manhattan Center, a vast indoor stadium in midtown. As we arrive, a motorcade of stretch limos is disgorging its passengers.

‘Oh God, I don't know if I can face this,' I grumble.

‘Well, we can go if you like,' says Peter reasonably. We are about to leave when I hear a low mellifluous rumble of a voice behind me. Could it possibly be? … Is it really? … I turn around. It is. Alan Rickman is standing fewer than ten feet away.

‘Oh well, I suppose we're here now,' I say. ‘Let's just see how it goes.'

Originally, the RSC had earnestly planned to perform a play in its entirety, but Tina Brown, conversant with New Yorkers' bantam attention span, has cleverly persuaded them to offer us a medley of the Bard's Greatest Hits instead.

The audience is huge, there are at least 1,000 of us, with many having paid $20,000 a table. As usual, however, we have slipped in on a press freebie. To my right sits a cheerful man called Christopher Buckley, who tells me he is the author of a book called
Thank You for Smoking.
He is in a state of some excitement because the place card next to him reads ‘Susannah York'.

To my left sits Garth Drabinsky, the legendary Broadway producer of
Showboat
and
Ragtime,
which has just picked up four Tony awards. The Drabinsky legend stems from his almost magical ability to stay financially afloat, confounding his many naysayers. He is a huge, darkly brooding presence, and seems depressed.

I feel depressed too. What did Dr Beth mean, ‘You're certainly something but it's not pregnant'? I look around for Peter, who has been placed at a different table. Curiously, when I finally spot him, he is sitting next to Susannah York.

‘Have you seen
The Horse Whisperer
yet?' asks Drabinsky morosely.

‘Yes, very disappointing,' I start. ‘What's Robert Redford's problem? How could he have cast himself as the romantic lead? He's far too old! His mouth's all lined, he looked ridiculous opposite Kristin Scott Thomas. And as for all those schmaltzy, sentimental shots of Montana…'

‘Really?' he interrupts. ‘I loved the movie.' He raises a heavy eyebrow. ‘And I consider Robert one of my greatest friends.'

Monday, 18 May

Peter