The Time Until (19 page)

This is only a portion of her ability.

Once at the door, Sam half turns and looks at
me over her shoulder.

 
“It may
be too late to fix the damage I caused, but I’m going to do what I can to get
us back to where we used to be.” She drops her voice, but it’s still loud
enough to hear, just barely.

“No more running away.”

I’m beyond overjoyed at this turn of
events.
 
That is, until I remember Kate.

I can already tell that things are changing
between Sam and me.

Things are changing between Kate and me as a
result.

My life has just gotten more complicated.
 
I didn’t even think that was possible.

Present Day

For the second time in a week, whispering has
awoken me.
 
It’s even more annoying the
second time.
 
This time, it’s not the
doctor talking, but Ethan and Arianna.
 
That’s
not exactly much better, but they’re talking to the cops about what
happened.
 
I see my parents standing next
to them as silent support.
 
Nate is also
here, but he’s staying in the corner looking concerned.
 
I groan and shift my weight, the noticeable
pull in my back is still there, but it doesn’t hurt at all.
 
They must have stitched me up because the
skin feels a little stretched.
 
I turn my
head to the side and find Kate sitting by my bed.

“Hey, pretty lady,” is all I can manage to think
of to say.
 
My throat is scratchy, but
audible. Katelyn turns her head and smiles at me.

I like that smile.

“I love your smile,” I repeat aloud.
 
Kate’s smile falters slightly before
regaining its glory.
 
I didn’t intend to
tell her that.
 
My parents come and stand
on the opposite side of the bed from Kate.

“Thank you,” she says to me.

“How are you feeling?” Arianna asks coming to
stand next to Kate.

“Well enough,” I answer, “a little loopy though.”

“You lost a lot of blood, but otherwise you’re
fine,” Ethan explains, “for the most part.” I nod my head.
 
Quentin comes into the room with an arm full
of sodas and almost bumps into the cops standing in front of the door.
 
Ethan helps him with the drinks giving one to
each of the cops and one to Arianna and Kate.
 
Watching him pass around the sodas makes me painfully aware of my
parched throat and mouth.
 
I smack my
gums a bit in an effort to work up some spit, but there’s nothing doing.
 
Katelyn notices and quickly grabs the big mug
with a straw hanging out of it at the side of the bed.

“Drink it slowly,” she tells me.
 
I don’t want to drink it slowly, but the
coldness of the water almost burns my throat as it goes down, forcing me to
comply.
 
The cops step up as I finish my
drink and I actually dread what they have to say.

Katelyn holds my hand as support and I give her a
squeeze to tell her I appreciate the comfort.

“Do I need to press charges or anything?” I ask as
they step up to me.
 
One of them shakes
his head.

“No,” he answers me, “with a case like this,
there’s no need for the victim to press charges.
 
The DA usually does it for them.” I cock an
eyebrow.

“At the very least, it’ll be assault with a deadly
weapon, but he could be tried under attempted manslaughter,” the other cop
finishes.

I’m not sure it sits well with me that the
judicial system has taken my right to seek justice out of my hands.
 
What if I didn’t want to prosecute?
 
What if I just wanted to leave it alone and
forget it all?
 
Now I can’t.
 
The DA will make me testify and I’ll have to
drag out all the details in front of a room of people.
 
I’ll be placed on the spot and
cross-examined.

I want that like I wanted another hole in my back.

That is, unless he bargains out.
 
I hope that’s what he does.

“Okay, I guess that’s okay,” I try to sound
convinced, but I doubt it worked.

I spend the next few minutes explaining to the
cops what happened in the parking lot.
 
They, of course, write everything down in their little notepads.
 
They leave afterward and I finally get to
talk to my friends without the awkward over-lookers.

“So,” I start, “what happened?
 
How long have I been out?” Everyone looks at
each other briefly.

“You’ve been out for about 18 hours and you lost a
lot of blood,” Ethan explains.

“They took you into surgery and found that he nicked
an artery, but it wasn’t a major one,” my father elaborates.

“At least he missed your organs,” my mother
adds.
 
I hate making my parents worry
like this.
 
It’s not like it’s
all
my
fault.
 
Trouble just seems to find me.

Especially this week.

Usually Sam is there to help me out of it.

“Excuse me,” a nurse enters the room cautiously,
“but I’m afraid that visiting hours are ending soon.” Ethan walks out after a
fist bump from me and Quentin follows with our signature handshake.
 
Arianna gives me a friendly good-bye hug,
tells me she’s glad I’m okay and follows Ethan and Quentin.
 
My parents look stricken, they say their
goodbyes — giving hugs and kisses before they leave.
 
Katelyn is the last to get up and leave.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” I ask in a whisper,
sounding a little too desperate, as she hugs me goodbye.
 
She hesitates.

“I don’t know, Alan, this is weird for me and with
everything last night.”

She pauses, lost in thought for a minute.

“Maybe in a few days, when
you’re released.
 
I have some things
to sort out before then, okay?” She asks and I understand where she’s coming
from, but I also like the idea of her staying and comforting me.
 
I nod my head in agreement.
 
I have some things I need to sort out as
well.

“Thank you,” I respond.
 
She doesn’t respond, just nods her head again
and avoids my eye contact as she scurries from the room.

What was
that about?

Oh well.
 
I’ll find out tomorrow.

4 Years Ago (Age 16):
 
October

Halloween is always a hard time for my parents
and me since James shipped out to Afghanistan.
 
It’s his favorite holiday by far.
 
He would dress up every year until he shipped out to boot.
 
The entire neighborhood knew him on sight and
he always spent a great amount of time and money on his costumes.
 
They had to be perfect and usually ended up
being incredibly elaborate.

We have an album with pictures of all his
costumes in it.

This year is a bit different since he’s not
here again and both my girlfriend and the girl I’m in love with are
coming.
 
We’re all going trick-or-treating
together.

Now that I say that aloud, it sounds really
wrong.

It’s been almost a month since Sam dumped Caleb
and nothing has happened.
 
Well almost
nothing, Sam has come back to our group, much to the displeasure of
Katelyn.
 
She hasn’t tried to change our
relationship at all, it’s gone back to the way we were a year ago before the
admission of my feelings.
 
She’s acting
like I’m just a close friend.

I guess that’s all I’ll ever be.

Not that it really matters — yeah, right — I
still have Katelyn as a girlfriend.
 
I
haven’t had the heart to break up with her, yet.
 
The last month has given me time to think
about my relationship with her but I don’t love her as much as I thought I did,
though I still care for her a lot.
 
But
breaking up with her has been difficult to do.
 
Call me a chicken or a coward, but I don’t want to hurt her and I know
that will.

I feel like dirt thinking this way.

They both show up to my house at the same time,
and I swear I can see sparks shooting from their eyes as they stare each other
down.
 
This is going to be a long
night.
 
Jenny gives me a knowing smile
and a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.
 
She’s dressed as
Pippy
Longstocking
,
long, impossibly styled, pigtails — using lots of wire — dyed bright red and
horribly mismatched green shirt, red pants, and black boots.
 
My parents watched one of her movies and
Jenny loved the character, for obvious reasons.

Sam nearly sprints to the kitchen after a brief
glance in my direction.
 
Kate comes over
and pecks my cheek before heading in the same direction.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen her blush so
much,” Jenny says.

“What are you talking about?
 
Kate wasn’t blushing,” I inform her.
 
She giggles at me and I feel like I’m missing
something.

“Not that one you dweeb,” she tells me with a
chuckle, and then walks away.
 
Sam?
 
Sam was blushing?
 
How did I miss that?

A doorbell ring startles me from my thoughts
and I go to answer it.
 
As I get closer
to the door, I suddenly start feeling like I shouldn’t open it.
 
I have this sense of dread and anxiety.
 
Though I have no idea who’s on the other side
of that door, I know I have no desire to open it.
 
It’s a completely irrational fear, but one
that has me firmly planted with my hand on the knob, unable to
will
myself into turning it.

Another ring and the fear raises.

“Alan,” my mother yells from the kitchen, “can
you answer the door please?”

I slowly turn the knob and pull the door
open.
 
My vision tunnels as I see who is
on the other side.
 
My breathing goes
erratic and I find it hard to breath.
 
I
have no idea what the news is the two men standing on my doorstep have for my
family, but I know what it usually means – especially when they’re wearing
their dress blues.
 
All the bells and
whistles on their uniforms are enough to give anyone pride, but all I see are
two people who are staring at me with both sympathy and guilt.

My legs finally give out and I collapse, trying
to use the end table as support making it crash to the ground.
 
The noise causes my parents and guests to
come running.
 
Sam lets out a massive
gasp when she sees the two men.
 
My
parents slow, but don’t stop, as they approach the door.

“Mr. and Mrs. Green?” the one on the left
asks.
 
My mother can only nod.

“Yes, that’s us.
 
Won’t you please come in,” my father motions to
the couch in the living room.

“That’s very kind of you, sir,” he says as they
both remove their covers before entering the house.

I take the time they’re talking to get myself
off the ground and to the couch.
 
As the
two men describe what happened to my brother, I only catch bits and
pieces.
 
‘Hero’ and ‘saved five men’ are
words I hear and ‘shot’ is another.
 
I
try to stop my heart from breaking but that’s really hard to do.

My mother is a crier, a giant tear-making
machine.
 
Enough tears to fill the Grand
Canyon.
 
Despite all that, she is not a
blubberer.
 
She will not wail and scream
as she cries.
 
The most I have ever seen
her do is sob, mostly silent, into my dad’s shoulder.

This is no different.

That’s the last thing I really remember as I
black out and get lost in my memories.
 
He would constantly bug the crap out of me, but he was the best brother
I could ever have.
 
I just sit there on
the couch for a while, even after the two leave, staring into space.
 
Everyone is silent and melancholy.

It’s an unsettling silence, the kind where you
expect a ghost to jump out of the middle of it and scare the crap out of
you.
 
It’s stifling and I suddenly feel
uncomfortable being in it.
 
Ignoring the
shouts and pleas from everyone, I grab my jacket and bolt through the
door.
 
I have no idea where I’m going,
but I definitely have to get out of the house.
 
There are just too many reminders of my brother in it.

I just run and run with no clear destination.

My brother is dead and I couldn’t give a damn
that he saved five people doing it.

It was a lousy trade in my opinion.

Present Day

Kate walks into my room just as the doctor and
nurse finish teaching me how to care for my wound.
 
It’s been two days since I last saw her.
 
My mother left me some new clothes earlier
and then thankfully listened to my request and left without a fight.
 
I want to talk to Kate, alone, for a
while.
 
She allows the doctor and nurse
to leave the room with an appreciative smile.

“I want to say how happy I am to have you here
right now,” I tell her as I stand to walk.
 
My legs are still shaky, but I can use them just fine.
 
Losing a lot of blood and lying down in bed
for almost two days tends to make your body turn to mush.

“Alan,” Kate starts.

“Kate, we haven’t talked in a long time,” I
interrupt, “I would like to get some lunch and possibly catch up a little.” I
look her in the eyes; she smiles shyly and nods.

“Okay, then, let’s go.”

The drive is a silent one.
 
Both of us seem to have something to say, but
neither is that willing to say it.
 
We
turn the corner and end up on the same road as the accident.
 
I shake memories of that night out of my head
as we drive to a little food place not far from the intersection.

John’s Burgers is a little fast food place that
makes the biggest, greasiest burgers in the city with fries to match.
 
I can’t get enough of their chiliburgers and
chili-cheese fries.
 
Kate orders her
usual plain cheeseburger and fries.
 
Fries are the only side worth mentioning.

This used to be my and Kate’s favorite place to
eat in high school, since they have a small patio area in the front where you
can eat your food.

“I can’t believe you went to Fresno State,” I tell
her as we sit at the outside table.

“There are reasons behind it,” she says to me as
she puts ketchup on her fries, but offers no other explanation.

“Nope, that is not going to fly with me.
 
I want details.” She looks at me like she’s
scared to say something wrong.
 
I guess I
should be a little softer, there’s something bothering her and I really want to
find out what it is.
 
Forcing her is not
going to work.

“I always thought you were destined for a higher
ranked school, even Ivy League,” I add. “There has to be a reason for the
down-grade.”

Kate sighs and fiddles with her fingers, an
internal debate playing across her face.
 
I guess it’s not that important, but I really don’t want to waste this
opportunity to get to know the woman in front of me.
 
I already know the girl she used to be.

“Look, Kate, if you don —”

“I was chasing my boyfriend,” she sputters out
quickly, as if she would lose her nerve if she didn’t.
 
I let out a sound that could have sounded a
lot like a “huh?” in my confused state. I was surprised and maybe a little
disappointed.

I guess I kind of hoped she would be single.

“Well, he wasn’t my boyfriend at the time,” she
continues, “he was a just a summer thing, a fling really.
 
The summer after I graduated, I met him at a
party.
 
He was only a couple of years
older and we seemed to click like I never did with you.” She looks at me for my
reaction and I have no idea what she can see, I have way too many thoughts
flying through my head right now.

“Is this why you’ve been hesitant since I first
saw you?” I ask her and she nods.

“Seeing you again brought back old feelings I thought
I had forgotten,” she explains.

“I felt bad because I was feeling these emotions,
but I love Hayden.
 
I guess I was feeling
guilty.” I just nod my head because I was thinking the same thing.

“Plus, I have no idea what you’re thinking or
feeling.
 
I mean we haven’t even spoken
to each other in three years.
 
The way we
left things at my graduation didn’t leave much room for us to keep in touch.” I
have always regretted that day.
 
The
things we said were things that no one should ever say.

“I was in a really low place and Hayden helped me
through it.
 
I enrolled in Fresno State
after learning that he was going there,” she finishes.
 
Her story surprises me, but not as much as I
think it should.
 
She’s always been the
type of girl who runs full speed after what she wants.

“That must have been one hell of a party,” I joke
and Kate chuckles a nervous laugh.
 
I
gather my thoughts and tell them to her.

“Kate, I felt the same way after seeing you,” I
inform her.
 
She looks up at me,
surprised.

“Seeing you again did the same thing.
 
I always regretted how we left things that
day.
 
I wish I would have known where you
were, I would have tried to get ahold of you to apologize,” I explain to her,
“I know Sam has mentioned apologizing to you a number of times.”
 
I pause as a thought comes to me.

“I guess I can finally do that now.” I look Kate
in the eye and wet my lips since they have gone dry with nervousness.

“I’m sorry about everything that happened to you
and what happened between us, Kate.
 
It
was not right and you deserved a lot better than that.”
 
Kate remains silent for a few minutes,
staring at her hands on the table.
 
The
only sound is the cars flying by and I can’t help feeling unnerved by the
silence.
 
Eventually, she looks up at me
and smiles a small appreciative smile.

“You’re right,” she begins, “I didn’t deserve what
you did to me.” She sighs in a defeated tone.

“But you and Sam didn’t deserve the words I spoke
that night.
 
They were wrong and
purposefully hurtful.
 
I’m sorry for
those.” There is another moment of silence between us — seems to be the theme
of the today — and more awkward table studying.

“Friends?”
I finally
ask.
 
The smile she flashes me is beyond
dazzling, her teeth seem to reflect the sunlight right into my eyes.
 
I laugh at her and dig into my untouched
food.
 
She happily does the same and we
eat in relative silence for a time.

“So I was thinking of going and visiting Sam
today, you want to come?” I ask her as we throw our trash away.
 
Kate looks a little taken aback at first, but
then thinks about it.

“Sure, it’ll be nice to see her again.
 
All things considered.”

It only takes us a few minutes to get back to the
hospital and up to Sam’s room.
 
Mary
steps out of Sam’s room and nearly runs into me, she’s in near hysterics.
 
I quickly steady her.

“What’s going on, Mary?
 
Is it Sam?” I ask her loudly, glancing over
her shoulder at the door as I can see inside.
 
I can feel the fear start to well up and take hold of my heart and
lungs.
 
Breathing starts to get hard and
I can only take short shallow breathes.

“No,” Mary tells me through her silent sobs, “I
don’t think she’s awake or anything, but she gripped my hand just now.
 
The doctor told us it could happen, but it
was so sudden it surprised me.” She wipes another tear from her eye.

“It affected me a lot more than I thought it
would.” Another swipe of the eyes and she’s back to her perfect self again,
breaking free of my embrace.
 
She finally
catches a glimpse of Kate standing not that far away.

“Hello, Kate, how have you been?” Mary asks in a
genuinely pleasant voice.
 
Kate smiles
sweetly at her.

“I’m fine,” Kate answers, “just coming to see how
Sam is doing.
 
Good to know that she’s
showing signs of waking.”

“Thank you,” Mary expresses.

“Can we go inside?” I ask expectantly.

“Of course,” Mary answers, “
come
on.” She leads the way into the room.

This is the third time I’ve seen Sam since the
accident and the sight knocks me for a loop every time.
 
The tubes and wires are unnerving and the
accordion-like breathing apparatus makes me dread each pause as part of its
rhythm.
 
Seeing her eyes closed and
sunken is enough to make tears peak my eyes.
 
I slowly take the seat next to her bedside and take her hand into mine.

She robotically wraps her fingers around my hand
and my heart soars at the gesture.

An uncontrollable ecstatic smile spreads my face.

“I’ll give you guys some time,” Mary says walking
to the door, “I have some errands to run at the moment anyway.” Kate smiles and
nods her head at her, expressing her gratitude.

Katelyn remains standing by the makeshift hallway
as I lightly pet Sam’s hand.
 
I spend a
great deal of time focusing on Sam, willing her to wake.

 
“Hey, Sam,
I’m back.
 
Did you miss me?” I ask not
expecting an answer. “I have big news to tell you, I got stabbed the other night.
 
Remember when I told you that I was going to
Sidetrack
?
 
Well, this
drunk started something and I got stabbed.
 
It’s the reason I haven’t been around lately.
 
I’m better now, for the most part.” I pause
for a moment and sigh when there’s no reaction, dropping my head is defeat.

I don’t notice when Kate comes up behind me.
 
She startles me when she places her hand on
my shoulder.
 
I place a free hand on top
of Katelyn’s hand and give it a friendly pat.

“You remember Kate right Sam?
 
Now don’t get jealous, you know you’re the
only one for me,” I tease with a slight smile.
 
Kate laughs behind me. “She heard about what happened and came by to
help out where ever she can.
 
See I told
you she was nice.” I smile a bit bigger with my joke.

“I always thought you two would be good friends if
you were ever given the chance.”

I wonder to myself, as I look at Sam and Kate,
what it would be like right now if the three of us hadn’t made the decisions we
did on that night four years ago.
 
I look
up at Kate and see the comforting awkward smile on her face as she looks down
at me.
 
Sam’s hand seems to grip my hand
tighter and I go back to stroking the back of it.

“Do you ever regret what you did that night?” I
ask.
 
We both know the night I mean.
 
The night I lost my brother, the night that
destroyed my relationship with Kate.

It was the night I learned Sam’s true feelings for
me.