The Time Until (20 page)

4 Years Ago (Age 16):
 
November

I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting at
this bench, but I’m pretty sure it’s after midnight from the lack of people
out.
 
The tears I was crying are now all
dried up and I’ve been able to calm myself down while I wait for my friends and
family to find me.
 
Actually, I’ll be
really surprised if anyone is able to find me, the park I’m in is hidden from
the street by trees and a wall, plus no one ever comes here since the
playground equipment is old and decrepit.
 
This is the most secluded place in the neighborhood and there is only
one person who knows I’ll be here.

It’s this fact that causes me to turn around
and face Sam as she walks up.

She’s alone, which confuses me.
 
I thought that Kate would be with her.
 
Sam might not be Kate’s favorite person, but
she knows how well Sam knows me.
 
I
figured she would have followed Sam here at the very least.

I’m kind of disappointed that she didn’t.

“I knew you would be the one to find me,” I
tell her as I face away from her.

“Then why do you look so disappointed?” she
asks after sitting down next to me.
 
She
sounds dejected by my disappointment.

“I’m not disappointed, just surprised.”

There’s a bit of time where all she does is
look at me.

“She told me to go and comfort you,” Sam
informs me, then turns away to start staring into space.
 
I stare at her for a second, then nod and
start looking at the sky myself.

We sit there in silence, listening to the
multitude of bugs as they chirp and sing to their potential mates.
 
The sky is clear, so we have an unobstructed
view of the stars and moon.
 
A gentle
breeze moves leaves around us and keeps the air cool and comfortable.
 
It’s peaceful despite the reason we’re both
in this park.

I’m completely cried out and now all I have is
the empty pain from losing my brother.
 
Managing to swallow the lump in my throat a long time ago, it now resides
in my heart, making it feel heavy.
 
It’s
easier to breathe now, but every now and then a thought causes it to hitch and
my heart drops into my stomach.

Sam looks at the sky and fidgets with her
hands.
 
I can tell that she wants to say
something, but I really like the distraction she’s presenting me.
 
Her face glows in the moonlight, turning her
from human to heavenly body.
 
She’s my
angelic beauty.
 
My heart splits in two,
one side mourning my brother silently and the other wanting to embrace Sam right
here on the bench.
 
One side a freezing
pain I’ve been desperately trying to suppress and the other the warmth I’ve
been longing to have.

I scoot closer to her and casually link our
fingers, just the fingers, on the bench.

Sam doesn’t even flinch as she continues to
look at the moon, but a smile pulls at the corners of her mouth.

“James was a great guy,” she remarks after a
long time of silent stargazing.
 
“Was.”
 
She said, “
was
.”
 
Suddenly, the
tears start fresh and the lump returns to my windpipe, making it hard to
breath.
 
“Was” is so final, so real.
 
I thought I was finished, that I had gotten
to a good place, but the tears tell another story.
 
I was able to convince myself that I was
fine, able to suppress the emotions for a time.
 
Hearing Sam say the truth, I break.
 
The weak little wall I hid myself behind crumbles like the house of
straw it is.

I try to pull my fingers from Sam, but she
quickly grabs my hand and pulls it to her.
 
She connects our palms and links our fingers, squeezing hard enough to
be understood, but not enough to be painful.
 
I look at her briefly through my watery eyes and notice that her eyes
are glistening in the moonlight, unshed tears filling her eyes.
 
She needs my touch as much as I need
hers.
 
She finally looks at me after a
few minutes of my staring and the dams break for us both.

We collapse into each other, sobbing loudly.

Wailing at the pain.

It seems like hours before we’re both dried up
and only shallow whimpering is heard throughout the park.
 
Our hands never unlock; in fact, they seem
permanently glued together.
 
Not that I
mind.
 
Having Sam here next to me is
familiar and comforting.
 
I can’t think
of anyone other than Sam I want to be here at this moment.
 
I don’t feel nearly as sad and alone and her
touch sends warmth into my shattered and empty soul.

We sit next to each other in more silence.
 
We’re much closer now and Sam rests her head
on my shoulder as we continue our stargazing trance.
 
Our hands remain locked together and she
places her other hand on my forearm.
 
I
like the feeling of her hugging my arm like this.
 
It’s comfortable, filling, loving —
right.
 
I tilt my head so it rests on
hers and I take a deep breath – she smells really good.
 
Bringing my other hand across my body, I
interlock our fingers together.
 
We stay
in our twister-like embrace for another precious few moments.
 
I haven’t felt this loved in a long time.

Sam sighs deeply.
 
She sounds content.

“I missed you so much,” she finally breaks the
silence.

“I missed you too.”

More silence.
 
I enjoy just having her near me and knowing she missed me all that time
apart is enough to make me almost forget the terrible news of the night.
 
I want to feel more.
 
I don’t want to think about death or sadness
at all right now.
 
I just want to feel
Sam next to me and watch this dark sky with her.
 
Nothing else matters.

She fills me with life when all I feel is
death.

“I love you,” Sam whispers so softly I almost
don’t catch it.
 
My eyes grow wide and I
break our embrace to look her in the eye.

“What?!”
I manage to
ask.
 
Sam avoids my glance, not a good
sign.

“Nothing,” she deflects, “it’s nothing.”
Oh no she doesn’t.
 
She will repeat that if I have anything to say about it.
 
My heart is filling as my mind replays those
three words over and over again.
 
She
said she loves me.
 
I could definitely
die happy now.
 
I think I just might.

“Tell me, Sam,” I plead, “please.” Sam slowly
lifts her gaze to meet mine.
 
We hold our
eyes for a few seconds before she turns deadly serious and cups my face in her
hands.

“I love you, Alan Green.” My heart overflows
and starts thumping crazily in my chest.
 
I swear the thing is going break one of my ribs.
 
My face breaks into an uncontrollable smile
and I pull her into my arms.
 
I can’t
stop an overjoyed little laugh as it escapes my mouth.
 
Sam giggles into my chest and the feeling of
her there, like that, is more than I could have ever wished to have.
 
I bury my face into her auburn locks and
breathe her in.

“But…
 
All this time you and Caleb,” I babble out.
 
Sam smiles awkwardly.

“Yeah, well,” she fumbles, “I always had a
little feeling for you, but that meant changing everything between us.
 
Up until that day at the tournament, I was
able to convince myself that we could remain friends.
 
Yeah, totally not able to
do that anymore after that kiss.
 
Blew my mind.”
I shouldn’t be happy that I blew her mind,
but I am.

“Really?”
I ask with a
smug grin.
“Mind blown?”
Sam rolls her eyes.

“Do you want a wheelbarrow for that head of
yours?” I chuckle with her before she continues.

“After that happened, I tried really hard to
get back to where we were, but nothing worked,” she continues, “you kept
getting further and further away.”

“And I knew I was the reason it was happening,”
she finishes.

“But why Caleb?”
Sam
shrugs her shoulders.

“He’d been asking
me
out for weeks and I was totally confused and scared of my feelings for you so…”
she pauses, “he seemed like a good way to get my head on straight.”

“I thought maybe I could eventually come to
like him, maybe even love him,” she explains, “but it never happened.
 
You and Kate happened.” Kate.
 
Sam’s hopeful face drops at my change.
 
I really shouldn’t be doing anything with
Sam, but I really miss her.

 
“Sam, I
still have Kate,” I inform her and her face falls even more.
 
It breaks my heart to see it, but the truth
is the same.
 
I’m still with Kate and I
can’t just go with Sam without first talking to her.
 
Sam looks away, embarrassed.

“I see, yeah…
 
Of course.
 
I know that,” she babbles, “I just wanted you to know, I guess.” She
gets up and starts walking away.
 
Immediately, I feel the warmth leave with her.
 
I start to feel the cold and very alone.

Can I really let her walk away again?

No.
 
Sam
is important to me.
 
I don’t want her to
leave.
 
I let her walk away from me once
and I don’t want to let that happen again.
 
I leap to my feet and chase after her.

“Wait, Sa —” I barely touch her hand to stop
her when she turns around and throws herself into my arms.
 
Her mouth is on mine before I have a chance
to finish what I want to say.
 
I forget
everything and just focus on the kiss.
 
Sam’s lips working against mine sends a jolt through my body.
 
Warmth and strength swell from my chest.
 
With all the wrong that happened tonight,
this feels right.
 
This is what I’ve been
missing.

“Thank god,” Sam exclaims after separating from
our kiss, “I thought you were going to let me walk away again.” She shoots me a
devilishly playful smile and I melt, I actually melt.
 
There’s no way I can ever go back to Kate.
 
Sam has completely taken my heart.
 
It’s hers whole and unbroken.

“I love you too, Sam,” answering her, “I never
really stopped.”

Looking into her eyes, they reflect the moon
causing them to glow with her brilliant smile adding effect.
 
I want to get lost in her, but instead I shut
my eyes and cover her mouth with mine.
 
I
grab her head and deepen the kiss, taking full advantage of her moan by
sticking my tongue in her mouth.
 
I
massage each one of her teeth one at a time, playfully dodging her tongue as I
do so.
 
Sam claws the back of my head as
she lets out a frustrated sigh at my game.
 
I smile before giving her what she wants and once again plunging my
tongue in, this time to dance with hers.
 
The satisfied moan she unleashes is almost too much to bear.

Every cell in my body wants her closer and
almost involuntarily crushes her into me.
 
My body wants her to merge with me, become one and the same.
 
She can’t get close enough.
 
Sam seems to want the same thing, jumps up,
and wraps her legs around me.
 
I let her
head go and hold her up by her ass.
 
Giving it a little squeeze, I let out a small laugh when she moans
loudly.

Our tongues battle in our mouths as she plays
with my hair, sending small jolts of electricity down my spine with each rub,
scratch, and twirl.
 
The cool night
starts to grow hot.
 
Disconnecting from
Sam’s lips is one of the hardest things I’ve done and I can tell it’s not easy
for her either.
 
Sam looks me in the eyes
and I can see her desire and need clouding them over.
 
She chews on her bottom lip then jumps
slightly when she feels my appreciation for the sight between her legs.

“Is that a cell phone in your pocket or are you
just happy to see me?” she jokes and we both giggle at it.
 
Joking does nothing to the passion and I
still see her appetite burning in her eyes, I should be scared that she’s
looking at me like I’m lunch, but it only fuels my already out of control
craving.
 
Things heat up even more as Sam
untangles herself from me — making extra sure to rub certain sensitive parts —
and leads me to one of the less decrepit playground toys.
 
Lust courses through my veins, shadowing any
rational thought.
 
Sam lies on her back
and beckons me to her, I hesitate for less than a second before I crawl on top
of her and take her mouth again.