The To-Do List (36 page)

 434. Upload photos to Flickr.

 435. Repair Dave and Maz’s Super 8 camera.

 436. Go to one of artist friend Heather’s shows.

 437. Clear under sink cupboard.

 438. Buy can of 3 in 1 and then use it to stop squeak on living room door.

 439. Find right photo to go in silver frame Lauren bought us.

 440. Buy a frame that actually fits the ‘scary Polish’ print.

 441. Have Christmas dinner at home.

 442. Superglue the Six Million Dollar man’s arm back on.

 443. Get Danny and Mrs Danny to come up to Brum.

 444. Change default web browser on computer.

 445. And media player.

 446. Get round to using unopened wedding presents like the cookbook stand  . . .

 447. And the ‘dips and chips’ tray  . . .

 448. And the food mixer  . . .

 449. And the purple heart-shaped vase  . . .

 450. And the electric salt and pepper mill  . . .

 451. And the burnt orange toilet seat cover and pedestal mat.

 452. Take more photos of Lydia.

 453. And more video.

 454. Watch
Battlestar Galactica Season One
.

 455. Watch
Battlestar Galactica Season Two
.

 456. Watch
Battlestar Galactica Season Three
.

 457. Freecycle.

 458. Buy a huge book of stamps and keep somewhere safe.

 459. Take all pre-recorded videos to the charity shop.

 460. Look better naked.

 461. Clean hallway carpet  . . .

 462. And carpet in loft.

 463. Make appointment with dentist about that overly sensitive rear molar.

 464. Write thank-you notes.

 465. Stop leaving pants on floor in bathroom.

 466. Get to know myself better.

 467. Finally win at local pub quiz.

 468. Try to improve memory.

 469. Clean self-cleaning oven.

 470. Defrost frost-free freezer.

 471. Learn wife’s mobile phone number  . . .

 472. My mobile phone number  . . .

 473. And my home number  . . .

 474. And my parents’ new phone number.

 475. Work out how long it actually takes to write a novel.

 476. See if you can buy Novi on the internet.

 477. Clean hallway skylight.

 478. Buy and use air-freshener.

 479. Clean out back of radiator in living room.

 480. Try to retrieve the hi-fi remote that Lydia dropped down the back of the radiator.

 481. Spend less money.

 482. Conduct a full family expenditure overhaul.

 483. Drink more water.

 484. Put a notice board up in the kitchen.

 485. Get round to putting money into Lydia’s Child Trust Fund account.

 486. Dust top of bookshelf.

 487. Eat out of Dalek eggcup bought for Easter.

 488. Drink out of mug Lydia made me at pre-school.

 489. Work out what the other 16 programmes on the washing machine dial actually do.

 490. Confess to wife about how her favourite episode of
Oprah
really came to get taped over by a repeat of
Xena
–
Warrior Princess
all that time ago.

 491. Watch unopened
Die Hard
trilogy box set.

 492. Put a plant next to computer to reduce exposure to radioactive stuff.

 493. Cook using a recipe from one of the ten-gazillion cookbooks Claire’s bought you.

 494. Disassemble Claire’s desk.

 495. Find place to store Claire’s work/university stuff (not loft!!!).

 496. Buy smaller dinner plates.

 497. Get into habit of checking appearance in hallway mirror before leaving the house.

 498. Empty drawer by back door.

 499. Identify what is a plant and what is a weed in our garden.

 500. Return Lydia’s ludicrously late library books  . . .

 501. And work out how to explain to them what happened to page five of
The Cat in The Hat
.

 502. Buy a wheelbarrow.

 503. Give old next-door neighbours back their old front door keys.

 504. Put labels on all the mini D.V. cassettes  . . .

 505. And CD-Rs  . . .

 506. And keys for all the various doors  . . .

 507. And all the bags of Lydia’s old clothes  . . .

 508. And all the box files.

 509. Organise all photo albums.

 510. Replace all the missing bits from Lydia’s board games.

 511. Create a childhood memory box for Lydia and kid number two like you told Claire you would rather than just dumping all the stuff in a black bin liner under the bed.

 512. Get a proper winter coat.

 513. Find a secret hiding place for all spare car keys.

 514. Burglar-proof shed.

 515. Learn how to make hot drinks for others.

 516. Put down wife as next of kin in passport rather than mother.

 517. Do something with small but burgeoning business card collection.

 518. Cease shedding socks everywhere.

 519. Buy more new music.

 520. Get a new passport photo.

 521. Wear proper trousers more.

 522. Work out if there’s actually a way of pulling off the ‘double denim’ look without coming off looking like Shakin’ Stevens.

 523. Buy de-ioniser.

 524. Find out what an ion is and why they are bad.

 525. Find out where local tip is.

 526. Visit local tip.

 527. Find someone to have the kind of water cooler chats with that normal people have at work.

 528. Collect together all important car documents and put somewhere safe.

 529. Reclaim that Season One of the
Sopranos
that you loaned out to Elt back in December  . . .

 530. And Kathryn William’s first album from Jayne  . . .

 531. And
The Art of Guerrilla Film Making
from Rod  . . .

 532. And my hammer drill from Andy  . . .

 533. And my animal skin bongos from Phil  . . .

 534. And the director’s cut of
Leon
from Steve  . . .

 535. And
SingStar Party
and
SingStar Pop
from Julian and Emma  . . .

 536. And my walking boots from Dan the Man  . . .

 537. And my six-button computer mouse from Fitzy  . . .

 538. And the hedge trimmers from my dad  . . .

 539. And the travel cot from Lynne and Foz  . . .

 540. And Trivial Pursuit and Pictionary from mother-in-law  . . .

 541. And my electronic Hulk hands from next-door-but-one’s son Kieran.

 542. Start an ideas folder.

 543. Try writing in new places.

 544. Try writing in long hand.

 545. Try writing a plan before writing a book.

 546. See Doctor about RSI.

 547. Reread favourite childhood books to Lydia.

 548. Keep a stock of envelopes.

 549. Get printer for downstairs computer.

 550. Open bedroom window that has been stuck shut since it got painted over two summers ago.

 551. Archive the several hundred hours’ worth of last year’s holiday video onto DVD  . . .

 552. And the holiday before that  . . .

 553. And the holiday before that one too  . . .

 554. And last Christmas  . . .

 555. And Lydia’s last three birthdays  . . .

 556. And the stuff I took of her riding on her bike before it got its puncture  . . .

 557. And the stuff I took of her pre-school nativity play  . . .

 558. And the stuff in the garden when we had the paddling pool out  . . .

 559. And the stuff I took when she stayed at Claire’s mum’s  . . .

 560. And the really cute stuff when she’s just babbling all kinds of madness.

 561. Try and find a pair of cords that will fit you.

 562. Eat more whole grain.

 563. Buy a variety of cotton reels in different colours.

 564. Floss.

 565. Update your CV.

 566. Get gas bloke to check flue.

 567. Buy a carbon-monoxide detector.

 568. Check all the smoke alarms.

 569. Do something about the spider infestation.

 570. Change knackered front-door light fitting.

 571. Buy some Baby Bio  . . .

 572. And use it to feed all houseplants.

 573. Update virus barrier.

 574. Get a place for everything and put everything in its place.

 575. Wear aftershave more often.

 576. Hire a skip.

 577. Catch up with Hassan.

 578. Find new home for sofa bed.

 579. Get yourself a skin care regime.

 580. Take Gary for posh meal to show him that there is life outside of KFC.

 581. Get TV aerial repositioned.

 582. Learn what can be tumble dried  . . .

 583. And then teach Claire.

 584. Fix Lydia’s bed base.

 585. Wash curtains in bathroom  . . .

 586. And our bedroom  . . .

 587. And living room  . . .

 588. Tell Dad I love him.

 589. Try to erase Lydia’s doodling on wall next to bathroom.

 590. Watch
A Clockwork Orange
  . . .

 591. And the first
Godfather
film  . . .

 592. Put all bank statements in folders.

 593. Work out how to set child-lock in back of car.

 594. Return Dave’s copy of
Catcher in the Rye
  . . .

 595. And Arthur’s
Blake’s Seven
DVDs  . . .

 596. And Henshaw’s copy of
Best of The Clash
  . . .

 597. And Amanda’s bicycle pump  . . .

 598. And Amanda’s
How To Play Bass Guitar
book  . . .

 599. And Steve’s old Technics  . . .

 600. And Danby’s army issue sleeping bag  . . .

 601. And Elt’s copies of
The Host
and
Labyrinth
  . . .

 602. And Emma’s Sylvia Plath stuff  . . .

 603. And Moonie’s copy of
Hatful of Hollow
and his
Go Betweens
compilation  . . .

 604. And Jackie’s
Roots
CD and her copy of
Blue in the Face
  . . .

 605. And Andy’s Marx’s brother’s book  . . .

 606. And Manby’s
Geraldine’s Fortune
DVD and the book that she lent you at the same time that you can’t even remember the title of  . . .

 607. And Fitzy’s bass amp lead  . . .

 608. And Gary’s walking boots  . . .

 609. And Jo’s photos that you were supposed to have scanned and returned ten months ago  . . .

 610. And finally Charlotte’s video with the last three episodes of
Thirtysomething
on it.

 611. Renew passport.

 612. Make an important document file/drawer.

 613. Find marriage certificate.

 614. Open bank account for Lydia.

 615. And one for the new sprog when it arrives.

 616. Develop skills in the ancient art of re-gifting.

 617. Read broadsheet newspaper from cover to cover including the sport and the news stuff about countries you’ve never heard of.

 618. Find all the missing music CDs that appear to have miraculously vanished from their cases like Bruce Springsteen’s
The River
  . . .

 619. And Bowie’s
Heroes
  . . .

 620. And Kings of Convenience’s
Versus
  . . .

 621. And The Sunday’s
Static and Silence
  . . .