The To-Do List (38 page)

 815. Make Lydia’s bedroom look more like a little girl’s room.

 816. Get doctor to undertake review of all non-temporary medication.

 817. Get a new address book and add friends’ current addresses rather than walking round with a vague recollection of places my friends lived nine years ago.

 818. Organise bookshelves so that you can find a specific book without turning the house upside down.

 819. Get rid of all out-of-date direct debits.

 820. Find a replacement solicitor for the one who retired.

 821. Finish painting the cellar.

 822. Institute TV-free nights.

 823. Find out what all the extraneous switches in the kitchen are for.

 824. Teach wife the art of self-defence.

 825. Read all articles torn out of newspapers for later consumption  . . .

 826. Do same for those torn out of magazines.

 827. Get in touch with people we met on holiday and really liked and exchanged email addresses with but never did anything about like Stan and Beth from New York  . . .

 828. And Andreas and Arva from Cyprus  . . .

 829. And Olga and Alyosha from Russia.

 830. Re-hang bathroom door.

 831. Work out how to download a podcast.

 832. Have a go at learning basic HTML.

 833. Replace missing buttons from pinstripe jacket  . . .

 834. And grey shirt  . . .

 835. And those cheap jeans you bought  . . .

 836. And from your grey jacket  . . .

 837. And from your grey overcoat  . . .

 838. And from your black cardigan  . . .

 839. And from your black jacket.

 840. And from your white button-down shirt  . . .

 841. And from your black winter coat  . . .

 842. And from your grey cardigan  . . .

 843. Find out what the big fuss is about Bob Dylan.

 844. Learn to identify names of plants and shrubs.

 845. Go to more gigs.

 846. Buy new glassware.

 847. Fix missing roof tile.

 848. Investigate school for Lydia.

 849. Take more baths.

 850. Sample more world cuisine like Iranian food  . . .

 851. And Nigerian  . . .

 852. And Polish  . . .

 853. And Lithuanian.

 854. Visit Loch Ness.

 855. Keep travel sweets in the car.

 856. Come up with a title for new book.

 857. Collect together all loose change in house  . . .

 858. And then do something with it.

 859. Double-check the rules of box junctions.

 860. Paint over former damp patch in hallway.

 861. Clean all downstairs windows.

 862. Try and break a world record (yes I know!).

 863. Eat less meat.

 864. Throw a
Seinfeld
appreciation night.

 865. Work on alternative routes to routine destinations.

 866. Fully utilise all of the different attachments that came with the vacuum cleaner that you never give a second glance.

 867. Find the plug bit for the baby monitor  . . .

 868. And the missing speaker for the surround sound  . . .

 869. And disc one from DVD box set of season four of
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
  . . .

 870. And the re-install discs for the computer  . . .

 871. And the piece of paper that you wrote Dave’s mobile number on  . . .

 872. And the instruction manual for the breadmaker  . . .

 873. And the £52 charity sponsorship money that you put in a safe place and then promptly forgot about  . . .

 874. And the battery for the old digital camera  . . .

 875. And the charger for the old digital camera  . . .

 876. And the 2GB memory stick you bought back in March  . . .

 877. And the special nut thing without which it’s impossible to take the wheels off the car  . . .

 878. And your car’s V5 document  . . .

 879. And the receipt for the washing machine to prove that it really is less than six months old and therefore should not be giving up the ghost just like that.

 880. Find out how to responsibly get rid of low-energy light bulbs.

 881. Try to like cricket.

 882. Go jogging.

 883. Have family portraits taken.

 884. Plan more day trips.

 885. Buy a coffee table book.

 886. Buy a coffee table.

 887. Come up with a five-year plan.

 888. Get more discounts.

 889. Learn how to fold clothes properly like they do in posh clothes shops.

 890. Be a better son  . . .

 891. And a better brother.

 892. Ask more questions.

 893. Try to make miserable check-out lady smile.

 894. Meet bank manager.

 895. Remember Phillip’s birthday.

 896. Look after the pennies.

 897. Get round to watching Danby’s art videos.

 898. Buy in bulk.

 899. Replace wife’s Dean and Deluca mug.

 900. Get the city council’s building regulations people in to finally check all of the changes to the house like you should have done a few years ago.

 901. Investigate getting cheaper offers on mobile phone insurance.

 902. Take Lydia on to upper deck of double-decker bus to prove to her that there is no shop up there.

 903. Get planning permission for loft.

 904. Bleed radiator.

 905. Ask to see my medical records.

 906. Finish
Guardian
quick crossword begun back in April.

 907. Overcome embarrassment about middle name.

 908. Use handkerchiefs.

 909. Carry an umbrella.

 910. Buy a tablecloth  . . .

 911. And serving dishes  . . .

 912. And proper serving spoons  . . .

 913. And a proper dinner service  . . .

 914. And napkins  . . .

 915. And a proper tea set  . . .

 916. And a proper coffee maker  . . .

 917. And a canteen of cutlery with no missing teaspoons.

 918. Replace all horrible 80s style Chinese lantern lampshades.

 919. Watch first series of
Spooks
.

 920. Be a calmer driver.

 921. Read
The Lovely Bones
even though it’s at least four years too late for it to be current fodder for dinner party conversation  . . .

 922. And
We Need To Talk About Kevin
  . . .

 923. And
Small Island
  . . .

 924. And
Stuart: A Life Backwards
  . . .

 925. And
Notes on a Scandal
  . . .

 926. And
The Shadow of The Wind
  . . .

 927. And
The Da Vinci Code
  . . .

 928. And
The Kite Runner
.

 929. Start a blog.

 930. Become the kind of man who isn’t fazed by the idea of buying his wife underwear from Agent Provocateur.

 931. Learn wife’s bra size  . . .

 932. And her dress size  . . .

 933. And her shoe size  . . .

 934. And her ring size  . . .

 935. Change mobile phone provider.

 936. Review cable package.

 937. Consider Sky+.

 938. Be open to suggestion.

 939. Cease and desist from buying dry-clean-only clothes.

 940. Speak to overseas friends via Skype.

 941. Eat more nuts.

 942. Find left hand of ski gloves.

 943. Find the instruction manuals for the video recorder  . . .

 944. And DVD player  . . .

 945. And then correct the time on both as they have been displaying the wrong time for the past five years.

 946. Remember to take address book on holiday  . . .

 947. So that we can send postcards home.

 948. Let the Chadwicks finally know that the Smiths have moved house.

 949. Find out actual neck size so that I don’t carry on buying shirts that are too small.

 950. Put door closers on loft bedroom door as requested by building regulations  . . .

 951. And Lydia’s bedroom  . . .

 952. And Claire’s old office  . . .

 953. And our bedroom  . . .

 954. And the living room  . . .

 955. And the kitchen.

 956. Find plug for electric breast pump.

 957. Take better care of feet.

 958. Buy a pair of proper ladders  . . .

 959. And a pair of smaller ones too.

 960. Visit mother-in-law more.

 961. Find out who insures house  . . .

 962. And who insures contents  . . .

 963. And make sure that we’re fully covered.

 964. Write love letters to wife like I did in the old days.

 965. Descale kettle  . . .

 966. And the iron.

 967. Use Debenhams vouchers bought by Claire’s auntie for our wedding ten years ago.

 968. Descale shower head.

 969. Make receptacle for work-related receipts.

 970. Clear leaves from gutter.

 971. Find removal van number that Jo asked for months ago.

 972. Put preservative on shed.

 973. Make an effort to go to London more.

 974. Join online DVD club.

 975. Use
Final Draft
.

 976. See if there’s a device for taking out screws that no longer have a head so that you can unscrew the one that broke while fixing the bed.

 977. Alphabetise CDs.

 978. Either get rid of or consume all impulse duty-free purchases of the alcoholic variety like the bottle of Peach Schnapps from Innsbruck Airport  . . .

 979. Or the 2 bottles of Dream Island Cocktail mix from Seychelles International Airport  . . .

 980. Or the bottle of Mount Gay Rum from Grantley Adams International Airport  . . .

 981. Or the bottle of Ouzo from Larnaca Airport  . . .

 982. Or the bottle of Tequila from Mexico City International Airport  . . .

 983. Or the bottle of Banana Liqueur from Birmingham International Airport.

 984. Fix wardrobe sliding door.

 985. Find ‘A’ level certificates  . . .

 986. And ‘O’ level  . . .

 987. And Post Graduate Diploma  . . .

 988. And Sociology degree  . . .

 989. And 5m swim badge.

 990. Indulge wife’s increasing fondness for throws without complaint.

 991. Understand the point of kitchen roll.

 992. Buy an Oxford English Dictionary  . . .

 993. And refer to it rather than relying on Google.

 994. Buy a bradawl.

 995. Shop locally.

 996. Come up with idea for play  . . .

 997. And a screenplay  . . .

 998. And a non-fiction book.

 999. Get low-maintenance pet for Lydia that neither of us are frightened of or allergic to and that is minimally annoying.

 1000. Locate and read Mark Forster’s book
Get Everything Done And Still Have Time To Play
.

 1001. Visit chiropodist.

 1002. Buy collection of birthday cards so that all I have to do is search out the address and slap it in the post  . . .

 1003. And collection of ‘sorry you’re leaving’ / ‘It’s a boy!’ / ‘Hope you’re happy in your new house’ type cards.

 1004. Buy a water feature.

 1005. Learn to catch fish.

 1006. Build something out of wood for Lydia.

 1007. Get citronella candle or similar for garden.

 1008. Be more open.

 1009. Buy flowers for wife for no reason.

 1010. Work out what the mysterious splatter that goes up to the ceiling is on the wall in the hallway.

 1011. Get a second opinion.