The Truth About Love (13 page)

Lola growled.  “I know.  Evan and I are going over there in a minute to drop off Shane’s truck.  It’s a good thing you left the keys with the kid.”

Yeah.  That was a great plan.  Now he was free, in the neighborhood, and had a vehicle.  Awesome.  Frickin’ great.
  Shaking my head, I mumbled, “
I’ve gotta go.”

“Don’t do anything...crazy.”  Her words echoed over the phone.

“Ha.”  My laugh sounded hollow.  “I think Shane does enough crazy for all of us.  I’m just going to confront Corinne.”
 
As soon as I ended the call, I sent Corinne a text.

me: You felt sorry for him? I’m homeless with a special needs baby who can’t get her therapy. He broke her medical equipment, flipped her crib, and nearly hit her with a shoe.  He nailed me with a picture frame while I was holding her.  He broke the Order of Protection within half an hour.  How could you?

Corinne: I’m sorry.  Evan was talking to me about it and I figured it would be better if he was working and making money.  I was thinking if he was sitting in jail it would leave all of you in a bad place.  I didn’t realize how bad he was.  I think he needs to go to a mental clinic.  There are some serious problems.  He thinks you came to see him in jail.

me: I asked that he have a psych eval. I begged. He needs to get help. I live in fear.  He isn’t working. He’s been sleeping 20 hours a day.  If you had talked to me, you would know I wasn’t being a vengeful bitch.  He kicked me out, but refused to let me take Kylie.  

Then I remembered something super important.

me: He had my phone turned off.  DO NOT let him know I have this number, please.

Corinne: I won’t.

me: He is crazy.  In jail, he had a chance at getting help and I had a chance to take care of Kylie.  I’m living like a fugitive and in constant fear.  He made some horrible threats.

Corinne: I will try to get him a psych eval.

me: You know how much I love him.  How could you think I would just send him to jail?  How could you not get that it was all our safety at stake.  Do you know he threatened to kill his father not so long ago?  This is why they don’t speak.  He had lost it.

Corinne: I thought it was just another fight...didn’t think it was this serious.

me: Yes, but you didn’t ASK.  How could you do that without asking?!

Corinne: I am sorry.

me: I was trying to make provisions to keep everything paid while he was in jail.  Now that’s not going to happen.  The business is linked to my phone that he turned off.

Corinne: He thinks everything is fine between you guys...he says you guys worked it all out.

me: What the hell?  Call me!

Seconds later my phone rang.  The conversation wasn’t much easier.

Corinne sounded incredibly contrite.  “He’s completely out of it.  He thinks you spent all day at the jail talking to him through the glass.  He said you two talked for twelve hours.  He thinks he was in jail for eighteen days.”  

“Try three.  It was three days.”  I threw my free hand up in frustration. 

“I know.  I’m just trying to tell you what’s going on with him.  He swears you two are fine.  He doesn’t understand why you aren’t together, why he can’t come home.”

My heart hurt.  This strong man I loved despite his actions was broken.
  Even after everything, I cared about him.  “
What have you told him?”

“Nothing,” she said quickly.  “Just that he can’t go home.  He’s a mess.  He can’t stay here.  He has enough money to stay in a hotel.  Evan and I are going to take him to one.”

My hand balled into a fist at my side.  “He’s in no condition to be alone in a hotel if he’s like this.  My God, he could be the next homeless guy walking around Charlotte.  Don’t do that.  You bailed him out.  He’s your responsibility.  He needs help.”

She was quiet for a moment.  “I think I can get him to the mental hospital on Billingsley.  As a nurse, I can explain that he’s going through Xanax withdrawal and needs medical help getting the dose right before he comes home so he doesn’t kill himself.  Let me try that.  I’ll let you know.”

Chills ran up and down my spine.  As much as I feared Shane’s wrath, it had never occurred to me he might harm himself.  “Call me as soon as you know what’s happening.”

It was closing in on eight at night when I finally heard from Corinne again.  She sent a brief text.

Corinne: Headed to Billingsley. Will call ASAP.

So, I busied myself with helping Grace finish off the wine.  It was nice having her around and the wine didn’t hurt either.  I didn’t have to be on guard all the time, sometimes it was okay to relax and just be me.  Kylie was resting in my lap, her night feed running, and Grace’s dog was lying on the other side of me.

Ever so slowly, the labradoodle sniffed Kylie, then when he didn’t think she was paying attention, he licked her.  I watched Kylie for a reaction.
  “
The puppy gave you kisses!”

She smiled up at me.  Then, moments later, she had rolled over on my lap, leaned to bridge the distance to the dog and...licked him.  The look of horror on her face, tongue still sticking out quite possibly covered in dog hair.  Soon we were all laughing.  For just a minute, I forgot my life was spinning wildly out of control.

After nine, Corinne called back.  Grace watched my reaction as I answered the phone.  My instinct was to jump up from my seat to go hide in the study to talk, but since it would’ve meant repositioning Kylie and the dog, I remained seated.
  “
So what’s going on?” I tried to remain calm and quiet when I felt anything but.

“They are going to do an evaluation and decide if they are keeping him.  Honestly, I don’t see any way that they aren’t keeping him.  He was petting cats that weren’t there while I drove.”   

A whimper escaped my lips.  It was impossible for me to picture this Shane she was describing, but it helped soften my heart towards him, for sure.

Corinne interrupted my thoughts.  “He asked about you again.”

I perked up.  “What was said?”

“He wanted to know when he was going to see you again.  And I told him he hadn’t seen you, that you hadn’t been up to visit him in jail, that you haven’t seen him since you left.”  She spoke harshly.

It was all I could do not to snap.  “Why would you tell him that?  Did you have to hurt him like that?  I don’t want him completely shattered.  He’s so fragile right now.  Dammit.”

“Well, I thought he should know the truth.”

Seething, I longed to speak my mind to her, to let her know my feelings about her at the moment, the way she had jumped into a situation she shouldn’t have, the way she kept messing things up with her words.  Beyond frustrated, I regretted my distance at the moment.  Shane needed me, even if he didn’t know it yet.  Of all those in his life, I was still the only one who cared about what was best for him.
  “
So what happens next?”

“If they keep him, it will be on a twenty-three hour hold.  Then we’ll see what they do from there.  I gave them my information so that they could let me know what was happening and I could tell you.”

The hair on my neck stood up.  Oh, hell no.  If anyone was the point of contact, it would be me.
“
Or you could’ve just given them my information.”

“Oh, I could do that, but don’t worry, I told them what’s going on.”

I scowled.  “How could you possibly do that?  You have no idea what’s going on.  You don’t live with him.  The doctors should be talking to
me
.  You need to have them call
me
.  That should’ve been the first thing you did after they took him back for the eval.”

Corinne loved being in the middle of things and feeling important. Not for one second did I trust that she would do the right thing.
  “
I have to let you go; Joel is calling me.”

The call ended and I relayed the information to Grace as I waited for the questions, which were sure would come.

“Still going home in the morning?”  She asked as she stared at me over the rim of her wine glass.

“Yeah.  He’s in Billingsley.  There’s no way he’s getting out until at least late tomorrow night, although I doubt he’ll be out even then.  This may take some time to repair.”  I took another swig of wine and waited for it to calm my nerves.

“Just be careful, okay?”  Her eyes spoke to her sorrow.

“Of course, don’t worry.”  We both knew I had a habit of being reckless when it came to love, especially where Shane was concerned.

We had barely started a new show on HGTV when Corinne called back.  “Okay, they are keeping him.  I tried to get him to sign a release so we would know what was going on and he refused.”  She sighed.  “The nurse told me that his exact words were ‘she’s the last person on the face of the earth that I would want to know anything about me.’”

For the first time all night, I laughed.  It was the first evidence of strength I had seen from him in so long.  More hope.  Maybe he could get the help he needed.  Maybe he would be better and still want us.  The fact he had imagined lengthy conversations with me where we worked through everything suggested he still loved me.  Maybe, just maybe those dreams of ours weren’t over.  There might just be a happily ever after in our future.  

After the call ended, I looked at Grace.  She tilted her head as she looked at me and I knew what she was going to say even before she spoke.
  “
You know he may never be the man you want him to be, right?  And I’m scared that you are going to keep giving him chances and that you’ll be hurt.”

“I’ll be careful.”

There was doubt in her eyes.  She gave me an empty smile.
  “
I know how much you love him, I’ve seen it.  I’ll be here for you, no matter what.”

“Thank you.  I love you, Gracie.”  I beamed at her.

“Love you, too, Nina.  Now I’m heading to bed.”
 
Not long after she went in the bedroom to join Henry, I carefully stood and gathered up Kylie, her tubing and her pump for the walk up the stairs.  The bonus room was so cozy I felt at home the moment I entered it every time.  Carefully, I tucked Kylie in and arranged her tubing to prevent clogs in the line and unnecessary beeps.  Ever since the NICU she had been easily agitated by alarms.  It made perfect sense.  

Before going to bed, I decided to call Billingsley.  Being on the clock scared me.  I had no idea how much time I had to make sure he received the help he needed.

A man answered. “Twenty-four hour emergency room, how can I help you?

“I’m trying to talk to the doctor who is taking care of my husband, Shane Powers.”  Though I felt the urge to pace, I worried how much Grace and Henry could hear below me.

“Sure, what is the five digit code?”

Rubbing my forehead, I frowned.  “I have no idea.  A friend just brought him in a few hours ago.  What other information do you want?  I can give you lots of numbers, his age, date of birth, social security number, physical description, address...what?”

“Well, I can’t tell you if he’s here without that code.”

I stood and wrapped my free arm around my body.  “I’m not asking if he’s there.  I
know
that he’s there.  I was told the doctor needs to talk to me.  Since it’s a twenty-three hour hold, I thought I should get right on that.”

“If he’s here, the doctor has your information and will call you shortly.”

“I don’t know that the doctor has my information.  That is why I called.  Can I leave it with you?”  The frustration mounted.

“Sure.”

So, I gave her my phone number.
 
Somehow, I didn’t feel very hopeful.  That call felt like I had accomplished absolutely nothing.  Instead of falling asleep beside Kylie, I stayed up writing, and thinking.  It seemed really important to have my thoughts organized when I spoke to the doctor.  I wanted to give the most comprehensive account possible for Shane’s mental state.  I knew he was a complex case.  At one point, I had considered being a psychologist. I love helping people, but I wasn’t sure how much sadness I could endure without it impacting me negatively.  Apparently, I had married it instead.  

At one in the morning, after waiting roughly two and a half hours for a phone call that never came, I gave up and went to bed.  

Unable to completely relax, I had woken at five in the morning on a Sunday. I decided to use it as an opportunity to pack and get some assignments completed before leaving.  I couldn’t predict when I’d have time again.   I had showered and dressed before Kylie woke and dragged everything downstairs.  Before long, she was fed and dressed too. All the while, I remained acutely aware I had yet to hear from the hospital.  My mood was not improving.  Someone needed to speak to me, which is why I called again.  After suffering through the standard ’I can’t help you without the five digit number,’ I finally spoke.

“My husband is in there on a twenty-three hour hold.  Shane Powers.  Over half the time has expired with no call from a doctor.  You can’t possibly expect to get a solid medical history from a man who was petting cats that weren’t there on the ride in.”  

The woman spoke again and I already knew what she was going to say.  “No, ma’am.  I can…”

Out of patience and running low on time, I interrupted.  “Please do not promise me a call from the doctor since no one has been able to make good on that promise yet.  I’m not asking you to break HIPPAA policy.  I’m not
asking
you for any information.  I’m
giving
you information.”

Suddenly the conversation changed.  “Oh, okay.  Let me get this down.”

“Thank you.”  I let out a huge sigh, a combination of relief and disgust.  It really shouldn’t be this difficult.
  Assuming she was ready, I began.  “
Shane has a number of issues.  The biggest is that he suffers from massive depression, but refuses to take any medication for it even though he has been prescribed both Wellbutrin and Prozac at various times.  He also has anxiety issues he medicates with Xanax.  He has trouble sleeping so he has a script for that, and a script for Adderall to get him going in the morning.  Essentially, he is medication dependent all day long.”  

Taking a deep breath, I started to explain further.
  “
He has an addictive personality.  Since we’ve been together, he’s been through a number of them.  First it was alcohol, until he ended up with pancreatitis.  Then he became addicted to the pills he was prescribed for the pain from that ailment.  Given the physical nature of his profession, it was easy enough for him to convince doctors, plural, to give him pain meds.  Finally, he started taking Suboxone to get clean.  There was a brief sex addiction, which wasn’t altogether unpleasant.  Then it was gambling, and eBay coin auctions.  In short, he’s always chasing happiness.”

Pausing for a moment, I heard the typing finally stop and knew the nurse had caught up.
  “
From what I understand, he had a troubled childhood.  His mother died suddenly of a heart attack when he was fourteen, not long after his parents had divorced.  His father beat him with hands and objects, so Shane ran away, which only exacerbated the problem and earned him a stay in a group home.  He raised himself, mostly.  There was some drug use in his teens, which was mostly recreational.  What else do you need?”

The nurse sounded surprised as she responded.  “No, this is really good.”

Still, I continued to ensure they had the best picture.  “
The biggest problem is anger management.  He whines, has a bit of a victim personality.  And when he’s really angry, he puts holes in walls and breaks things.  Monday, he completely lost it because he couldn’t get his phone out of his pocket.  Ridiculous, yes, but the damage was incredible, worst ever.  He even broke our daughter’s IV pole for her pump feeds.  He was completely out of control.  It wasn’t my intention to leave him, but I had to for my safety, for our daughter’s safety since she’s only twenty-one months old.”

This was so much harder than I imagined, and I had imagined this conversation plenty in the wee hours of the night.  I just hurt.  This is not the life I was supposed to be leading.  Who would want this?

“Thank you.  This will be very helpful,” the nurse assured me.

Then our call ended.  No one can tell me anything, I’ve told them all I can.  There was nothing left to speak about until I convinced Shane to sign the release for me while I was there at the hospital.  It would be my first stop upon returning to Charlotte.

The drive home had been quick in part because I drove like a woman on a mission, but also because my phone was ringing off the hook.  Suddenly I had become the most interesting person most of my friends knew.  Sure they were concerned about our well-being, but they also really wanted the play-by-play.  Before I had a chance to lament the two and half hour trip from Raleigh to Charlotte, I was getting off of 77 and driving down Randolph Road and turning onto Billingsley.  

The closer I came to the hospital, the more anxious I became.  Sure, I had an Order of Protection, but it didn’t say anything about me visiting my husband in a mental hospital.  There were guards and orderlies.  I was safe.  He wasn’t allowed any objects which might possibly be used to cause injury to himself or others.  

Kylie had slept much of the ride in her car seat.  When I hauled her out and told her we were going to visit daddy, she was beyond excited, letting out her classic squeals and beaming.  Following the signs, I entered the twenty-four hour emergency room, walked boldly up to the desk and asked about seeing Shane.

The woman at the desk explained, “You need to have a release signed to see him.”  

My blood began to boil as I heard the same tired spiel about his magic hospital five digit number that would grant me access.  
“
I was in Raleigh when he was admitted last night.  He refused to sign the release for the friend who brought him, but he’ll sign it for me.”
 
Actually, I couldn’t be sure, but I was being positive.  He imagined hours of conversations with me.  He must want to see me.

The woman slowly left the glassed in office to go into the secured ward.  So, we waited.  And waited.  I paced with Kylie on my hip and craned my neck to see through to the doors.  I hoped to see him waiting for us on the other side.  Instead, the woman finally returned.
 

“
He signed the release,” she announced.

Exhaling, I smiled.  “Thank you.  Can we see him now?”

Shaking her head, she pointed at Kylie.  “She can’t go back there.  Do you have someone to care for her?”

“Not with me.”
 
I was frustrated.  How could no one have mentioned that in all the conversations on the phone?

“Well, on the weekend there are also visiting hours from six to eight in the evening.”

Nodding, I began to back away.  “Okay.  I’ll be back then.”
 
For some reason, I sounded so sure of myself when I said it.  Yet, I wondered who would watch Kylie so I could check on Shane.  I left with my shoulders back and head held high, refusing to admit defeat.  This would not break me.

We made it back to the house around three in the afternoon.  I had been ignoring text messages from Corinne the entire drive.  She insisted upon coming over to talk to me.  Honestly, I didn’t want to see her.  My anger was still fresh.  There had been very little resolved.  I had no idea if my husband was going to be released from the hospital in a matter of hours.  I had no idea where Kylie and I were going to sleep.  My life was unsettled and up in the air because she had the arrogance to think she had the right to interfere and decide whether or not Shane should be in jail without even talking to me.  

When we pulled up, Lola and Evan crossed the road to speak with us and offered an invite to dinner, but I wasn’t ready to accept with so much in the air.  That’s when Corinne showed up and they scattered

Corinne stepped out of the Jeep.  “Can we go in the house and talk?”

“Sure.”  I nodded.
 
So we walked the suddenly long distance between the street and the front door.  Inside, I set Kylie in her bouncy toy.  The conversation went much as I expected, with her sharing her excuses and reasons for bailing him out and me explaining once more she shouldn’t have done it without calling me.

Exasperated and seeing we were at a stand off, Corinne finally asked one last question.  “Can you at least admit that he’s where he needs to be?”

I threw my hands in the air.  “I was working on getting him help in jail.  You don’t seem to understand what he did.”

Then
I took her on a tour of the house, pointing out all the damage, the broken windows with shards of glass scattered all over the sill and floor, the walls with huge holes and busted sheetrock.  During the walk through, I realized the thermostat looked strange.  Instead of giving a digital reading, the screens were black.

“Crap.  He broke the thermostat, too.  Not only do I not have windows in the master bedroom, but now I have no heat in the house and a baby with a questionable immune system.”  I leaned heavily against the wall.  

Corinne stared at me quietly for a moment.  “I didn’t realize how bad it was.”

“Yes, I know.”  Pushing off the wall, I stood angrily.  “Once again, a problem which could’ve been remedied by a simple phone call or text message.  He did this.  He wrecked the house, he ruined our marriage, he shattered our dreams, and he came dangerously close to injuring Kylie.  He is not to be pitied.  And
I
don’t want your pity either, but your understanding would have been much appreciated.”  Turning on my heels, I walked back to the great room.

“The walls can be fixed…”  Corinne tried to find a bright spot.

“Yes, but usually not by him.”  Taking her into the office, I showed her the old holes. “This is what happened when I offered him my McFlurry coupon weeks ago.”

She stared at the gaping hole.  “Ummm.  I don’t know what to say.”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I glanced out to the great room where Kylie played.  Glancing back at her, I responded.  “Let me handle things from now on.  Don’t presume to know what’s best for my family.  I don’t try to run yours.”

A knock on the door announced the arrival of Lola.  We went back to the great room as she walked in.
  “
I just wanted to make sure there was no bloodshed.”

Smiling at her, I shook my head.
“
No, we’re fine.  I think we’ve come to an understanding.”

Corinne nodded and shifted where she stood in the great room.

“So, do you know if you’ll be here for dinner yet?”  Lola was a caterer.  Food was her life.   

“
I’ll let you know, but I doubt that I’d be great company.”  I bit my cheek.  “This day has worn me out.  And I still need to figure out what to do about the window.”  

Chuckling, Lola waved away my concerns.
  “
I’ll send Evan over.  He’ll cover it with plastic for you.”

Soon, everyone had left and I had started on the task of unloading the vehicle, even if I questioned the sanity of it.  For all I knew, I might just be packing up again in a day.  My arms were loaded with boxes when my phone began to vibrate in my pocket.  Setting everything back in the cargo bay, I looked at the number and answered it immediately.  It was the hospital phone number, but I soon discovered it wasn’t a doctor calling.

“I just looked in the file,” the nurse began.  “Do you have an Order of Protection?”

“Yes,” I responded stiffly.
 
Somehow I knew the answer wasn’t going to help me get in to see Shane, but I’m not inclined to lie.

“Well, until we straighten this out, you won’t be able to see him,” she announced.

“There’s a good chance that I’m the one thing that he’s holding onto, his last bit of sanity and you would take that away?”  I pleaded.

“It’s not our call. We can’t break the law.”

“Fine.”  My mind raced.  “I won’t come tonight, but I will call to check on him.  He signed the release.  Do you know when he’s being discharged?”

“No, but it won’t be tonight.  I doubt it will be tomorrow, either.  We need to get his meds regulated first and make sure he’s on the right ones.”  Then almost as an afterthought she added, “Oh, and you may want to look around the house and find all his meds.  We need to know everything he was taking so we can figure out what he’s having withdrawals from.  He’s had a complete psychotic break.”

It hurt my heart hearing those words coming from a stranger, even if I did know it was true.  Being told I couldn’t see him also bothered me.  I needed to know he was okay.  Apparently, at least for tonight, it wasn’t to be.

At eight in the evening, I wandered into the kitchen to see what I had for food.  I hadn’t been hungry earlier due to all the work.  Though I longed to give Kylie a bath, I worried over how cold it was going to get in the house.  Instead, I changed her into her jammies and promised to let her play in the big Jacuzzi tub in the morning when it was warm out.  She seemed to agree since there was no tantrum.  Throughout the evening, I had worked to shut off the master bedroom after taking everything I needed into the great room.  Then I shut the hall door, too, to insulate us from the cold.  

With our blankets and pillows, we were ready for a campout in the living room.  It wouldn’t be the first time.  When she had trouble sleeping, we usually ended up on the couch snuggling.  Tonight I was looking forward to it, just as soon as I found something to eat.  The idea of loading us into the vehicle one more time today was so off-putting I was ready to consume cereal.