The Truth Club (62 page)

‘Would you like some chips?’ I enquire, suddenly remembering
my manners.

‘Oh, no, I’m not hungry. I had a very substantial pizza with a friend. It was almost the size of one of DeeDee’s larger hats.’

I decide not to ask who the friend is. It is more than likely to be
another female admirer. I just want to enjoy Nathaniel tonight as
the plane hurtles through the sky. And I want to bask in my
memories of DeeDee – how lovely she is, how gentle and wise. I’ve
told Nathaniel most of the crucial details already. He listened with
real fascination once we were on the train to the airport and he
could relax a bit. I saw a more serious, almost solemn side to him.

‘It’s so sad that DeeDee doesn’t want to see Aggie, though, isn’t
it?’ I say, when every corn chip is eaten and I have peered into the
packet for stragglers. ‘She has such a big heart, I really thought
she would find it in herself to visit a sister who…’ I stare bleakly
out at the clouds. ‘Who may – you know.’

‘…Shuffle off this mortal coil before too long.’ Nathaniel finishes the sentence for me.

‘Exactly.’

There is a long silence, in which I peer at the other passengers
and remember that I am in a large piece of machinery that is currently soaring over the ocean even though I don’t know how it stays up. In the circumstances, it seems extraordinary that people are talking and laughing and reading newspapers and books.

‘But she’ll change her mind about seeing Aggie, won’t she?’ I
find myself saying. It’s more a statement than a question. ‘I mean, she must. Everything’s in place for a reconciliation. It would mean
just as much to her as it would to Aggie, I’m sure it would. It would be… what’s the psychological term for it?’

‘Closure.’ He says the word with a sigh.

‘And we would have helped to make it happen,’ I continue excitedly. ‘We’ve done the hard part; we – you – have actually
found her. Now we have to convince her to come over to Dublin.
She just needs a little encouragement, that’s all. Once the family
hears what really happened –’

‘You promised her you wouldn’t tell anyone.’ Nathaniel’s look is cold and reproving, and I suddenly feel my euphoria fading. Up
until this moment, I had almost managed to convince myself that
DeeDee’s obsession with secrecy would surely alter in a matter of days.

‘Yes… yes, but how could I mean something like that?’ I
splutter. ‘I planned to talk her out of this daft notion. Of course I
wouldn’t tell people until I’ve got her to change her mind.’

Nathaniel’s blue eyes seem very steely suddenly.

‘Her life has been clouded by lies,’ I declare dramatically. ‘Terrible lies. People need to know the truth.’

‘I hope you’ll forgive me for saying this,’ Nathaniel begins
carefully, ‘but it seems to me you’re beginning to sound a little bit
like April.’

‘What do you mean?’ I glare at him.

‘Well, she’s convinced everyone has to know the truth, too,
isn’t she? And in her hands it’s a blunt instrument. You have to be
careful with the truth sometimes, Sally. There are many truths to
most situations, because people can see the same situation in many different ways.’

‘This is different,’ I reply, bristling with indignation. ‘We don’t
have to have a philosophical discussion about this. Aggie
wants
to see DeeDee. I wouldn’t talk to her about what Joseph did – of
course I wouldn’t. I’d just tell the rest of the family, so that… you
know… so that they’d welcome her like they should. I couldn’t bear for her to be treated as an outcast.’

‘But what do you think it would be like for DeeDee, sitting with Aggie, knowing that she still believes these awful things about her?’ Nathaniel says. ‘Aggie might even expect her to apologise.’

‘I think she’s forgotten most of the details.’ I frown. ‘She keeps
saying that she just wants to tell DeeDee that she loves her.’

‘It’s a complicated situation, Sally,’ Nathaniel says flatly. ‘I know you’d like it to be like
The Waltons
,
but it isn’t.’

‘I hardly ever watched
The Waltons
,’ I protest, my lower lip quivering. ‘I… I only want to be
helpful.
’

‘Then you’ll just have to respect whatever DeeDee decides to
do,’ he says firmly.

‘But… but don’t you find it a bit
surprising
?’ I lean towards him
and almost knock my glass off the small fold-out table. He grabs it just in time. ‘I mean, she agreed to see me; why can’t she agree
t
o see Aggie and the rest of the family? She might as well go the
whole hog while she’s at it, don’t you think?’

‘What I think is incidental,’ Nathaniel replies. ‘It’s what
DeeDee thinks – what she feels, to be precise – that matters.’

Suddenly he reminds me of Erika’s sporadic and very annoying
even-handedness. He should agree with me about this. We should
be discussing ways to make DeeDee change her mind.

‘I know we could use emotional blackmail on her, but she’s had
quite enough of that already,’ he says, as though he has somehow
read my thoughts. ‘There’s absolutely no point in pushing her,
Sally. She’s trusted you to keep your meeting with her a secret.’

‘Yes, but what if she regrets it – you know, later on?’ I persist.

‘DeeDee is the sort of woman who decides what she needs to
do in her own good time.’

‘Yes, but what if she decides too
late
?’
My voice has risen in
consternation. ‘She can’t dawdle about this, Nathaniel. Aggie needs to see her as soon as possible.’

‘Let’s not argue about this, Sally.’ He picks up the in-flight magazine and starts perusing shopping tips for visitors to Copenhagen. I feel like grabbing it from him. It reminds me of Diarmuid and the mice and all the times he just didn’t want to talk about things I needed to talk about.

But of course men are like this,
I find myself thinking as I pick
up my own copy of the in-flight magazine. I flick through articles
about luxury weekend breaks in rural England, the joys of
spaghetti and the amazing stonework on some cathedral in
Belgium.
Talking to them is pointless; any semblance of closeness
is basically just a mirage.
I pour myself another glass of
champagne.
They back off as soon as they feel uncomfortable.

‘I think it was unfair of her to make me promise not to tell
anyone,’ I mumble mutinously, more to myself than to Nathaniel.
‘If she knew she was going to say that, she shouldn’t have seen me
at all.’

‘But you did promise not to tell anyone, and I’ve promised
too,’ Nathaniel says. ‘And I don’t know about you, but I take my
promises very seriously.’

I can’t stand this. If we were on land I would get up and march right out of the room. He’s not just referring to DeeDee; he is also referring to my marriage. He’s reminding me that I left a perfectly
good husband, whom I promised to love forever, because of a bunch of mice. He, on the other hand, left his marriage because his wife had fallen in love with a man who wore dresses. In this competition, he is the clear winner.

I can’t bear to sit with him a moment longer. I get up sharply and
stumble towards the toilet. I sit on the lid for a full five minutes until someone starts to yank rather desperately at the door.

When I get back, Nathaniel stares at me bemusedly. ‘What
is it?’

‘You know perfectly well.’ I glower. ‘Let’s just not talk, OK?
It’s easier that way.’ I stick my nose into the magazine.

‘Are you really that interested in snowboarding in Aspen?’ he
enquires, peering over my shoulder.

‘Yes. I am absolutely fascinated by it,’ I reply. ‘Please don’t interrupt me.’

‘When I said that thing about promises, I really was just talking
about DeeDee.’ He nudges my arm gently. ‘I’m sorry if it seemed
like I might be referring to – you know… other situations.’

I glance at him cautiously. He’s said just the right thing, yet
again. I feel a sudden urge to ask him all the things I have wanted
to ask him all day. I want to know what he got up to with Fabrice
and why. I want to know more about Ziggy and Eloise and Sarah.
I want to know why he shares his affections so easily with so many people. And I want to tell him that it isn’t really fair, in some ways, because it would be so easy to form the wrong impression. It would be so easy to think that one is somehow special to him – more than just a friend.

I put the magazine away and start to rummage in my handbag.

‘What are you looking for?’

‘Some marble cake that DeeDee gave me. It’s probably turned
into crumbs by this stage. I should have eaten it on the train.’

‘
Have you tried your coat pocket?’

‘It’s up there.’ I point wearily to the overhead rack.

He stands up, finds my coat and delves into a pocket. ‘Is this it?’ He shows me a small plastic bag.

‘Yes. I think so.’ I take it from him. ‘Thank you.’

He grins. ‘Is there anything else you’d like me to locate, now that I’m at it?’

I just stare up at him and think,
Yes, I’d like you to find the belief I used to have, that there was someone out there for me. Someone like you, actually, Nathaniel. Someone just like you.
Instead I say, ‘I insist that you eat some of this cake. It really is delicious. I shared a slice of it with DeeDee.’

‘Thank you.’ Nathaniel sits down beside me, and I feel that soft
feeling I sometimes get when he’s near. I want to be angry with
him, so I won’t feel this yearning. Surely he can see that this visit
to DeeDee has, in some ways, changed nothing? The thrill of
actually meeting her has waned, now that Nathaniel has
reminded me starkly that I can’t tell anybody about it apart from
him. In fact, I suddenly realise that finding her like this is almost
harder to live with than her dramatic disappearance.

I hand Nathaniel half the slice of cake and he pops it into his
mouth. ‘Delicious!’ he declares. ‘Do you have the recipe, in that
notebook?’

‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I could bake it for Aggie. It would be a… a sort of
link to DeeDee, wouldn’t it? A little – you know – secret acknowledgement.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he says softly.