The Ultimate Guide to Kink (8 page)

The Three Tenets of Flogging

Janette Heartwood was one of the best flogger-making artisans in the country. She taught that a good flogging scene incorporated Accuracy, Intensity, and Connection.

Accuracy

Accuracy means that the flogger lands where you intend it to strike. Practice your swing without hitting your partner. Get a nice smooth consistent “throw.” Move an inch closer to your partner and keep throwing the flogger. Watch and estimate where it will land. Adjust your throw so that it will land in the right area. Continue to inch closer until the flogger strikes. At this point, you should be hitting with just the tips. As you move closer, you will connect with more of the “meat” of the tails.

Accuracy is important, not just because you want to control where you hit, but also because it allows your partner to relax and trust you. In order to enjoy the sensation, your partner needs to be confident that you know what you are doing. However, nobody is perfect. You will miss your mark at times. It is important to acknowledge these times. I might say, “Oh, that was a little high. I’m sorry,” and caress the area before continuing. This is critical, because if the bottom thinks you did not realize you made a mistake, she’ll worry that you will err again. You don’t want her to worry about your technique; you want her to relax and enjoy.

Even a very experienced player sometimes hits wrong. I used to really beat myself up about that. And then I played with a very experienced bottom who complimented me on my skill. I remarked that I had hit him high a couple of times. He told me that I had hit him hundreds of times and those two misses made me 99 percent accurate. I have since stopped criticizing myself for not being perfect.

Intensity

Strike gently at first using a short, soft flogger. You can gradually hit harder as you gain skill and confidence. Starting slow also gives the bottom a warm-up, a chance to acclimate to the blows. What feels painful in the beginning may be very pleasurable after the warm-up. Gradually ramp up using longer and either more thuddy or more stingy floggers. Ask your partner if he likes the sting or the thud. Experienced bottoms know what they like; novices will need to try different sensations to learn what they like. Vary your strikes: fast and slow, tips and meat of the tails. Experiment with different ways to throw the flogger. What feels good to you? And what feels good to your partner?

Your partner should be giving you feedback, telling you what feels good and what does not. Remember that much of this feedback will be nonverbal, in the form of body language. Often you can read this body language, but sometimes your partner may move in a way that you can’t interpret. It is okay to ask! A movement one bottom makes to process a sensation that feels good, like stamping his feet, could be the reaction of another bottom when it does not feel good. Everybody reacts differently.

Guy Baldwin speaks of a cycle that begins with the top striking. The bottom takes the strike and processes it. Then the bottom responds. Finally, the top reads the response and decides how and when to strike next. This cycle happens very quickly and those who may be watching are unable to see the communication that is occurring.

Connection

Flogging is like riding a bicycle. When you first get on a bike, you are worried about just staying upright. You are overwhelmed with steering, braking, and just getting it to go forward without crashing. After some practice, you begin to really ride—you hop on and stop thinking about how to maneuver the bike. You enjoy the wind in your hair and you’re able to take in the scenery. Likewise, once you get comfortable with the mechanics of flogging, you are free to enjoy a flogging scene in which the flogger is simply a tool that enables you and your partner to take an ecstatic ride together.

A powerful flogging is a way to explore strength. It can build confidence and self-esteem through the challenge of taking it, which can be very exciting and satisfying. It can be a means of catharsis, letting go and clearing the mind and the heart. The afterglow of a good flogging is both physical and emotional. Both the bottom and the top feed off this energy that they create together.

Impact play, whether spanking, caning, flogging, or any combination of these, can enhance your sex or just be fulfilling by itself. Try these activities and see how they work for you. It is different for everybody. And it can vary each time you do it.

Author’s Note: I learned all this from various people in the BDSM community, and I am still learning. I wish to acknowledge Jo Arnone, Guy Baldwin, Hilton Flax, Janette Heartwood, Conrad Hodson, Michael from Paddles, Constance Slater, and Sharrin Spector.

CHAPTER 3

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR SEX SLAVE

LAURA ANTONIOU

One of the greatest misconceptions in the world of sadomasochism and dominance and submission is the role of a sex slave or pleasure slave. Whenever I meet someone who says they’re a sex slave, I know they mean two things: 1) they don’t do housework, and 2) they have sex with their top.

Obviously, there’s a problem with this definition of sex slave, and that’s the absence of the whole “slave” part. Frankly, it’s rarely the fault of the would-be slave; they have been clear about their limits and preferences. I am not that fond of housework myself, and if all a top wants is sex, that is generally an easy thing to provide. But let’s face it—most adult sexual relationships involve people having
sex
with each other. A sex slave differs from the slave who polishes the silver in that the single most important task of a sex slave is to aid their top in the pursuit of orgasms. Making it kinky, different, and within the realm of dominance and submission is the trick. That’s where you—the responsible, clever, demanding, knowledgeable, sexy, and above all,
dominant
top—need to take on the awesome powers of your role. (And, coincidentally, get the best sex of your life, while pleasing your partner or partners at the same time. What a bargain, right?)

First, let’s get some concepts organized here. I assume that there is a working adult relationship between two or more people who consent to at least one of them taking the controlling and dominant role: the top (also called mistress, master, lord, lady, dominant, daddy, mommy, Ruler of the Universe, etc.). At least one other person has agreed to take the position of the submissive partner, who has given leadership and authority to the top, and a certain amount of trust. That is the role I call the bottom (also known as the slave, submissive, boy, girl, pet, etc.). People who meander from one side to the other are called awesomely sexy—or, sometimes, switches.

NEGOTIATING WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY

Consent is a primary requirement, one of those big “duh!” items. But you also need to negotiate what your arrangement will look like. Is this a full-time thing? Does it only apply to weekends when you are together? Is it limited to a certain list of behaviors and themes and to certain times and places? How much time can the top reasonably require the bottom to give to this training, considering other responsibilities and restrictions on their time? Can the top punish the bottom for missing the mark, and if so, how? The more parameters you talk about before you start, the fewer times you will need to put up the “time out” signal and have a “What the fuck was that about?” conversation. No one wants to have those.

In your negotiation, you should both understand why you want to start a sex slave training program. The first—and best—reason should be to have better sex. Other good reasons might include the romance of dominance and submission, the excitement of playing with power, the fun of role playing, the satisfaction of learning something new and discovering these things together. In a world that is unfair and often arbitrary and cruel, the ability to escape into the timelessness of our erotic relationships is priceless; a system where excellence and goodness are rewarded and correction and punishment are given with trust and affection is an added bonus. So, talk about it and come up with some reasons why you want to train a sex slave, why your slave wants to be so trained.

You probably think you know what sex is. Here’s the working definition I use:
Sex is any activity that increases the potential for orgasm
.

Pick up your jaw. Surely you didn’t think sex was limited to “When two perverts love each other very much, the boy pervert puts his penis into the girl pervert…”? Once you expand sex beyond heterosexual procreation, it can get deliciously tricky. Yes, blow jobs are sex! So is cunnilingus, anal sex, fucking between the thighs and between the tits, and hand jobs. So is telling your partner a story while she uses a vibrator. So is a long spanking, Japanese bondage, dancing the tango, masturbation, dirty talk—you get the picture.

We can’t limit ourselves to activities in which orgasm is always or even usually achieved. If we relied on that definition, many women never have sex while being vaginally penetrated. Also, those with limited sensation in the lower genitals might never achieve orgasm, and yet feel pleasurable sensations from sexual activities.

Already, the potential for being a sex slave is growing—can you see it? A sex slave should aid in any activity that increases the potential for the top to have an orgasm. But it’s still not a complete picture, because it is missing the single element required to make it work—the
active
and
controlling
role of the top.

“But all I want is for them to have sex with me when I want to!” This is the usual cry from tops who are not quite sure what to do with someone as wonderful as a potential sex slave. This is not entirely about a lack of imagination: for many people, a partner or two who will have sex with us any time we want is enough of a fantasy to make for many happy years. The challenge—and part of the pleasure—for a good top is not only to enforce their sexual will upon their loving slave
when
they want sex, but
how
they want it. This is made possible by a training regimen that includes exercises, assignments, rewards, and punishments.

Training is by its very nature an act of authority and dominance. Tops should strive to use any tool they can to evidence their authority; otherwise their slaves will wind up running things. Don’t believe me? Sit back and wait, and you will see how many slaves cheerfully take control of a situation. If that makes you happy, and it makes them happy, you can skip this chapter and move on to another topic. But if you want a more structured relationship where the top is actually applying dominance and the bottom is actually submitting to the top’s authority, give training a try.

Dominant/submissive relationships and play styles are a very common kink, and subject to a lot of misinformation. Do not be misled by well-meaning people who tell you that you need to be full-time, 24/7, total-power-exchange, whatever the new trend is, to do it “right.” The tips in this chapter are guidelines—use them the way you might use a recipe on the back of a box of spaghetti. It might work for you as is—or you might want a dash more basil, fewer pine nuts, or a ton of extra cheese. You need to make the relationship that fits you and your partners best, not the one that sounds good in Internet chat rooms. Whether you do this to spice up date nights, on alternate weekends, only when on vacation, or anytime you can find the energy and privacy, just make sure you do it when it makes you happiest.

EXERCISES AND ASSIGNMENTS

The first step in training a sex slave is to identify your ultimate goal. Yes, “The slave should please the mistress at all times,” sounds very nice in the abstract, but strive for specific goals on a more narrow track. Training, like the rest of our kinky relationship styles, is above all
personal
. Never try to use someone else’s training program! What do they know about your preferences, your style, your relationship, your lovers? Nada, zilch, zip. Using their training would be like using their underwear; it might look like it fits, but wouldn’t you rather have your own?

So, start out with something you enjoy, a pleasure your slave might become better at providing. Let’s say a mistress really enjoys having her pussy licked, and her slave is adequate at pussy licking, but perhaps not inspired. The goal is to get the slave up to speed on cunnilingus.

Next, the top determines what
exercises
you can use to improve the slave’s linguistic talents. Of course, some exercises will be personal and sexual: “Lick me there. Harder. Swirl your tongue. Now, suck my clit.” These instructions, delivered while the slave services the top, are the most obvious start of a training program. You can also deliver instructions before you practice the act. “Using your tongue like a brush, spell out all the words to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ on my clit, and suck on my labia during the instrumental parts.”

But there’s no need to stop there. How about including others in the training? If you are polyamorous or nonmonogamous, bring in a special teacher, or someone to practice with, or on. Or bring in some inanimate teachers—dildos to stand in for cocks, little candies for clits, pillows and balloons for skills in beating, shaving, body painting, whatever floats your boat. Due to the restrictions on nudity and sexual behavior in public, sexuality educators have found many ingenious ways to demonstrate erotic techniques on and with objects. Feel free to use their tricks for your own training program. Of course, you can also send your slave to attend classes and workshops given by others and report back to you on what they learn. An order to learn something is an
assignment
.

Assignments can be brief and amusing, like “Find ten slang terms for cunnilingus.” They can include more serious research, as in “Read this book on anal sex and fisting.” Or they can consist of directions to practice a technique: “Massage five people at next weekend’s fetish frolic.” They can be geared toward a specific act, or even to a style of behavior. Suppose you and your partners love the fantasy of an Edwardian household, complete with high teas and fancy clothing and strict master/servant roles. Assign your sex slave to find the right clothing, and set the scene for the grand, formal tea-service-and-caning you schedule for your next big date night. Or have them read some nice Victorian porn to you, posed on their knees while you sip your tea or brandy.