The Unnamable (21 page)

benefited
by it, they died like flies, or the forest, a roof is not
indispensable
, an interior, if I could be in a forest, caught in a thicket, or wandering round
in circles, it would be the end of this blither, I’d describe the leaves, one by one,
at the moment of their growing, at the moment of their giving shade, at the moment
of their falling, those are good moments, for one who has not to say, But it’s not
I, it’s not I, where am I, what am I doing, all this time, as if that mattered, but
there it is, that takes the heart out of you, your heart isn’t in it any more, your
heart that was, among the brambles, cradled by the shadows, you try the sea, you try
the town, you look for yourself in the mountains and the plains, it’s only natural,
you want yourself, you want yourself in your own little corner, it’s not love, not
curiosity, it’s because you’re tired, you want to stop, travel no more, seek no more,
lie no more, speak no more, close your eyes, but your own, in a word lay your hands
on yourself, after that you’ll make short work of it. I notice one thing, the others
have vanished, completely, I don’t like it. Notice, I notice nothing, I go on as best
I can, if it begins to mean something I can’t help it, I have passed by here, this
has passed by me, thousands of times, its turn has come again, it will pass on and
something else will be
there, another instant of my old instant, there it is, the old meaning that I’ll give
myself, that I won’t be able to give myself, there’s a god for the damned, as on the
first day, today is the first day, it begins, I know it well, I’ll remember it as
I go along, all adown it I’ll be born and born, births for nothing, and come to night
without having been. Look at this Tunis pink, it’s dawn. If I could only shut myself
up, quick, I’ll shut myself up, it won’t be I, quick, I’ll make a place, it won’t
be mine, it doesn’t matter, I don’t feel any place for me, perhaps that will come,
I’ll make it mine, I’ll put myself in it, I’ll put someone in it, I’ll find someone
in it, I’ll put myself in him, I’ll say he’s I, perhaps he’ll keep me, perhaps the
place will keep us, me inside the other, the place all round us, it will be over,
all over, I won’t have to try and move any more, I’ll close my eyes, all I’ll have
to do is talk, that will be easy, I’ll have things to say, about me, about my life,
I’ll make it a good one, I’ll know who’s talking, and about what, I’ll know where
I am, perhaps I’ll be able to go silent, perhaps that’s all they’re waiting for, there
they are again, to pardon me, waiting for me to reach home, to pardon me, it’s the
lie they refuse to stop, I’ll close my eyes, be happy at last, that’s the way it is
this morning. Morning, I call that morning, that’s right, shilly-shally a little longer,
I call that morning, I haven’t many words, I haven’t much choice, I don’t choose,
the word came, I should have avoided this bright stain, it’s the dayspring, but it
doesn’t last, I know it, I call that the dayspring, if you could only see it. I’m
off, you wouldn’t think so, perhaps it’s my last gallop, I smell the stable, I always
smelt the stable, it’s I smell of the stable, there’s no stable but me, for me. No,
I won’t do it, what won’t I do, as if that depended on me, I won’t seek my home any
more, I don’t know what I’ll do, it would be occupied already, there would be someone
there already, someone far gone, he wouldn’t want me, I can understand him, I’d disturb
him, what am I going to say now, I’m going to ask myself, I’m going to ask questions,
that’s a good stop-gap, not that I’m in any danger of stopping, then why all this
fuss, that’s right,
questions
, I know millions, I must know millions, and then there are
plans, when questions fail there are always plans, you say what you’ll say and what
you won’t say, that doesn’t commit you to anything and the evil moment passes, it
drops stone dead, suddenly you hear yourself talking about God knows what as if you
had done nothing else all your life, and neither have you, you come back from a far
place, back to life, that’s where you should be, where you are, far from here, far
from everything, if only I could go there, if only I could describe it, I who am so
good at topography, that’s right, aspirations, when plans fail there are always aspirations,
it’s a knack, you must say it slowly, If only this, if only that, that gives you time,
time for a cud of longing to rise up in the back of your gullet, nothing remains but
to look as if you enjoyed chewing it, there’s no knowing where that may lead you,
on tracks as beaten as the day is long, often you pass yourself by, someone passes
himself by, if only you knew, that’s right, aspirations, you turn and look behind
you, so does the other, you weep for him, he weeps for you, it’s screamingly sad,
anything rather than laughter. What else,
opinions
, comparisons, anything rather than laughter, all helps, can’t help helping, to get
you over the pretty pass, the things you have to listen to, what pretty pass, it’s
not I speaking, it’s not I hearing, let us not go into that, let us go on as if I
were the only one in the world, whereas I’m the only one absent from it, or with others,
what difference does it make, others present, others absent, they are not obliged
to make themselves manifest, all that is needed is to wander and let wander, be this
slow
boundless
whirlwind and every particle of its dust, it’s impossible. Someone speaks, someone
hears, no need to go any further, it is not he, it’s I, or another, or others, what
does it matter, the case is clear, it is not he, he who I know I am, that’s all I
know, who I cannot say I am, I can’t say anything, I’ve tried, I’m trying, he knows
nothing, knows of nothing, neither what it is to speak, nor what it is to hear, to
know nothing, to be capable of nothing, and to have to try, you don’t try any more,
no need to try, it goes on by itself, it drags on by itself, from word to word, a
labouring whirl, you are in it somewhere, everywhere, not he,
if only I could forget him, have one second of this noise that carries me away, without
having to say, I don’t, I haven’t time, It’s not I, I am he, after all, why not, why
not say it, I must have said it, as well that as anything else, it’s not I, not I,
I can’t say it, it came like that, it comes like that, it’s not I, if only it could
be about him, if only it could come about him, I’d deny him, with pleasure, if that
could help, it’s I, here it’s I, speak to me of him, let me speak of him, that’s all
I ask, I never asked for anything, make me speak of him, what a mess, now there is
no one left, long may it last. In the end it comes to that, to the survival of that
alone, then the words come back, someone says I, unbelieving. If only I could make
an effort, an effort of
attention
, to try and discover what’s happening, what’s happening to me, what then, I don’t
know, I’ve forgotten my apodosis, but I can’t, I don’t hear any more, I’m sleeping,
they call that
sleeping
, there they are again, we’ll have to start killing them again, I hear this horrible
noise, coming back takes time, I don’t know where from, I was nearly there, I was
nearly sleeping, I call that sleeping, there is no one but me, there was never anyone
but me, here I mean, elsewhere is another matter, I was never
elsewhere
, here is my only elsewhere, it’s I who do this thing and I who suffer it, it’s not
possible otherwise, it’s not possible so, it’s not my fault, all I can say is that
it’s not my fault, it’s not anyone’s fault, since there isn’t anyone it can’t be anyone’s
fault, since there isn’t anyone but me it can’t be mine, sometimes you’d think I was
reasoning, I’ve no objection, they must have taught me reasoning too, they must have
begun teaching me, before they deserted me, I don’t remember that period, but it must
have marked me, I don’t remember having been deserted, perhaps I received a shock.
Strange, these phrases that die for no reason, strange, what’s strange about it, here
all is strange, all is strange when you come to think of it, no, it’s coming to think
of it that is strange, am I to suppose I am inhabited, I can’t suppose anything, I
have to go on, that’s what I’m doing, let others suppose, there must be others in
other elsewheres, each one in his little elsewhere, this word that keeps coming back,
each one saying to himself, when the moment comes, the moment to say it, Let others
suppose, and so on, so on, let others do this, others do that, if there are any, that
helps you on, that helps you forward, I believe in progress, I know how to believe
too, they must have taught me believing too, no, no one ever taught me anything, I
never learnt anything, I’ve always been here, here there was never anyone but me,
never, always, me, no one, old slush to be churned everlastingly, now it’s slush,
a minute ago it was dust, it must have rained. He must have travelled, he whose voice
it is, he must have seen, with his eyes, a man or two, a thing or two, been aloft,
in the light, or else heard tales, travellers found him and told him tales, that proves
my innocence, who says, That proves my innocence, he says it, or they say it, yes,
they who reason, they who believe, no, in the singular, he who lived, or saw some
who had, he speaks of me, as if I were he, as if I were not he, both, and as if I
were others, one after another, he is the afflicted, I am far, do you hear him, he
says I’m far, as if I were he, no, as if I were not he, for he is not far, he is here,
it’s he who speaks, he says it’s I, then he says it’s not, I am far, do you hear him,
he seeks me I don’t know why, he doesn’t know why, he calls me, he wants me to come
out, he thinks I can come out, he wants me to be he, or another, let us be fair, he
wants me to rise up, up into him, or up into another, let us be impartial, he thinks
he’s caught me, he feels me in him, then he says I, as if I were he, or in another,
let us be just, then he says Murphy, or Molloy, I forget, as if I were Malone, but
their day is done, he wants none but himself, for me, he thinks it’s his last chance,
he thinks that, they taught him thinking, it’s always he who speaks, Mercier never
spoke, Moran never spoke, I never spoke, I seem to speak, that’s because he says I
as if he were I, I nearly believed him, do you hear him, as if he were I, I who am
far, who can’t move, can’t be found, but neither can he, he can only talk, if that
much, perhaps it’s not he, perhaps it’s a multitude, one after another, what confusion,
someone mentions confusion, is it a sin, all here is sin, you don’t know why, you
don’t know whose, you don’t know against
whom, someone says you, it’s the fault of the pronouns, there is no name for me, no
pronoun for me, all the trouble comes from that, that, it’s a kind of pronoun too,
it isn’t that either, I’m not that either, let us leave all that, forget about all
that, it’s not
difficult
, our concern is with someone, or our concern is with
something
, now we’re getting it, someone or something that is not there, or that is not anywhere,
or that is there, here, why not, after all, and our concern is with speaking of that,
now we’ve got it, you don’t know why, why you must speak of that, but there it is,
you can’t speak of that, no one can speak of that, you speak of yourself, someone
speaks of himself, that’s it, in the singular, a single one, the man on duty, he,
I, no matter, the man on duty speaks of himself, it’s not that, of others, it’s not
that either, he doesn’t know, how could he know, whether he has spoken of that or
not, when speaking of himself, when speaking of others, when speaking of things, how
can I know, I can’t know, if I’ve spoken of him, I can only speak of me, no, I can’t
speak of anything, and yet I speak, perhaps it’s of him, I’ll never know, how could
I know, who could know, who knowing could tell me, I don’t know who it’s all about,
that’s all I know, no, I must know something else, they must have taught me something,
it’s about him who knows nothing, wants nothing, can do nothing, if it’s possible
you can do nothing when you want nothing, who cannot hear, cannot speak, who is I,
who cannot be I, of whom I can’t speak, of whom I must speak, that’s all hypotheses,
I said nothing, someone said nothing, it’s not a question of
hypotheses
, it’s a question of going on, it goes on, hypotheses are like everything else, they
help you on, as if there were need of help, that’s right, impersonal, as if there
were any need of help to go on with a thing that can’t stop, and yet it will, it will
stop, do you hear, the voice says it will stop, some day, it says it will stop and
it says it will never stop, fortunately I have no opinion, what would I have an opinion
with, with my mouth perhaps, if it’s mine, I don’t feel a mouth on me, that means
nothing, if only I could feel a mouth on me, if only I could feel something on me,
I’ll try, if I can, I know it’s not I, that’s all I know, I say I,
knowing it’s not I, I am far, far, what does that mean, far, no need to be far, perhaps
he’s here, in my arms, I don’t feel any arms on me, if only I could feel something
on me, it would be a starting-point, a starting-point, ah if I could laugh, I know
what it is, they must have told me what it is, but I can’t do it, they can’t have
shown me how to do it, perhaps it’s one of those gifts that can’t be acquired. The
silence, a word on the silence, in the silence, that’s the worst, to speak of silence,
then lock me up, lock someone up, that is to say, what is that to say, calm, calm,
I’m calm, I’m locked up, I’m in something, it’s not I, that’s all I know, no more
about that, that is to say, make a place, a little world, it will be round, this time
it will be round, it’s not certain, low of ceiling, thick of wall, why low, why thick,
I don’t know, it isn’t certain, it remains to be seen, all remains to be seen, a little
world, try and find out what it’s like, try and guess, put someone in it, seek someone
in it, and what he’s like, and how he manages, it won’t be I, no matter, perhaps it
will, perhaps it will be my world, possible coincidence, there won’t be windows, we’re
done with windows, the sea refused me, the sky didn’t see me, I wasn’t there, and
the summer evening air weighing on my eyelids, we must have eyelids, we must have
eyeballs, it’s