The Unnamable (22 page)

preferable
, they must have explained to me, someone must have explained to me, what it’s like,
an eye, at the window, before the sea, before the earth, before the sky, at the window,
against the air, opening, shutting, grey, black, grey, black, I must have understood,
I must have wanted it, wanted the eye, for my own, I must have tried, all the things
they’ve told me, all the things I’ve tried, they come in useful still, when I think
of them, that too, you must go on thinking too, the old thoughts, they call that thinking,
it’s visions, shreds of old visions, that’s all you can see, a few old pictures, a
window, what need had they to show me a window, saying, no, I forget, it doesn’t come
back to me, a window, saying, There are others, even more beautiful, and the rest,
walls, sky, man, like Mahood, a little nature, too long to go over, too forgotten,
too little forgotten, was it necessary, but was that how it happened, who can have
come here, the devil
perhaps, I can think of no one else, it’s he showed me
everything
, here, in the dark, and how to speak, and what to say, and a little nature, and a
few names, and the outside of men, those in my image, whom I might resemble, and their
way of living, in rooms, in sheds, in caverns, in woods, or coming and going, I forget,
and who went away and left me, knowing I was tempted, knowing I was lost, whether
I succumbed or not, have I succumbed or not, I don’t know, it’s not I, that’s all
I know, since that day it’s not I any more, since that day there is no one any more,
I must have succumbed. That’s all hypotheses, that helps you forward, I believe in
progress, I believe in silence, ah yes, a few words on the silence, then the little
world, that will be enough, for the rest of eternity, you’d think it was I, I speaking,
I hearing, I making plans, for the passing hour, for the rest of eternity, whereas
I’m far, or in my arms somewhere, or stowed away somewhere, behind walls, a few words
on the silence, then just one thing more, just one space and someone within, perhaps,
until the end, I believe it, it’s evening already, I call that evening, I wish you
could see it, I believe it this evening, it’s announced and I believe it, you announce,
then you renounce, so it is, that helps you on, that helps the end to come, evenings
when there is an end, I speak of evening, someone speaks of evening, perhaps it’s
still morning, perhaps it’s still night, personally I have no opinion. They love each
other, marry, in order to love each other better, more conveniently, he goes to the
wars, he dies at the wars, she weeps, with emotion, at having loved him, at having
lost him, yep, marries again, in order to love again, more conveniently again, they
love each other, you love as many times as necessary, as necessary in order to be
happy, he comes back, the other comes back, from the wars, he didn’t die at the wars
after all, she goes to the station, to meet him, he dies in the train, of emotion,
at the thought of seeing her again, having her again, she weeps, weeps again, with
emotion again, at having lost him again, yep, goes back to the house, he’s dead, the
other is dead, the mother-in-law takes him down, he hanged himself, with emotion,
at the thought of losing her, she
weeps, weeps louder, at having loved him, at having lost him, there’s a story for
you, that was to teach me the nature of emotion, that’s called emotion, what emotion
can do, given favourable conditions, what love can do, well well, so that’s emotion,
that’s love, and trains, the nature of trains, and the meaning of your back to the
engine, and guards, stations,
platforms
, wars, love, heart-rending cries, that must be the
mother-in
-law, her cries rend the heart as she takes down her son, or her son-in-law, I don’t
know, it must be her son, since she cries, and the door, the house-door is bolted,
when she got back from the station she found the house-door bolted, who bolted it,
he the better to hang himself, or the mother-in-law the better to take him down, or
to prevent her daughter-in-law from re-entering the premises, there’s a story for
you, it must be the daughter-
in-law
, it isn’t the son-in-law and the daughter, it’s the
daughter-in
-law and the son, how I reason to be sure this evening, it was to teach me how to
reason, it was to tempt me to go, to the place where you can come to an end, I must
have been a good pupil up to a point, I couldn’t get beyond a certain point, I can
understand
their annoyance, this evening I begin to understand, oh there’s no danger, it’s not
I, it wasn’t I, the door, it’s the door interests me, a wooden door, who bolted the
door, and for what purpose, I’ll never know, there’s a story for you, I thought they
were over, perhaps it’s a new one, lepping fresh, is it the return to the world of
fable, no, just a reminder, to make me regret what I have lost, long to be again in
the place I was banished from, unfortunately it doesn’t remind me of anything. The
silence, speak of the silence before going into it, was I there already, I don’t know,
at every instant I’m there, listen to me speaking of it, I knew it would come, I emerge
from it to speak of it, I stay in it to speak of it, if it’s I who speak, and it’s
not, I act as if it were, sometimes I act as if it were, but at length, was I ever
there at length, a long stay, I understand nothing about duration, I can’t speak of
it, oh I know I speak of it, I say never and ever, I speak of the four seasons and
the different parts of the day and night, the night has no parts, that’s because you
are
asleep, the seasons must be very similar, perhaps it’s springtime now, that’s all
words they taught me, without making their meaning clear to me, that’s how I learnt
to reason, I use them all, all the words they showed me, there were columns of them,
oh the strange glow all of a sudden, they were on lists, with images opposite, I must
have forgotten them, I must have mixed them up, these nameless images I have, these
imageless names, these windows I should perhaps rather call doors, at least by some
other name, and this word man which is perhaps not the right one for the thing I see
when I hear it, but an instant, an hour, and so on, how can they be represented, a
life, how could that be made clear to me, here, in the dark, I call that the dark,
perhaps it’s azure, blank words, but I use them, they keep coming back, all those
they showed me, all those I remember, I need them all, to be able to go on, it’s a
lie, a score would be plenty, tried and trusty, unforgettable, nicely varied, that
would be palette enough, I’d mix them, I’d vary them, that would be gamut enough,
all the things I’d do if I could, if I wished, if I could wish, no need to wish, that’s
how it will end, in
heartrending
cries, inarticulate murmurs, to be invented, as I go along, improvised, as I groan
along, I’ll laugh, that’s how it will end, in a chuckle, chuck chuck, ow, ha, pa,
I’ll practise, nyum, hoo, plop, psss, nothing but emotion, bing bang, that’s blows,
ugh, pooh, what else, oooh, aaah, that’s love, enough, it’s tiring, hee hee, that’s
the Abderite, no, the other, in the end, it’s the end, the ending end, it’s the silence,
a few gurgles on the silence, the real silence, not the one where I macerate up to
the mouth, up to the ear, that covers me, uncovers me, breathes with me, like a cat
with a mouse, that of the drowned, I’ve drowned, more than once, it wasn’t I, suffocated,
set fire to me, thumped on my head with wood and iron, it wasn’t I, there was no head,
no wood, no iron, I didn’t do anything to me, I didn’t do anything to anyone, no one
did anything to me, there is no one, I’ve looked, no one but me, no, not me either,
I’ve looked
everywhere
, there must be someone, the voice must belong to someone, I’ve no objection, what
it wants I want, I am it, I’ve
said so, it says so, from time to time it says so, then it says not, I’ve no objection,
I want it to go silent, it wants to go silent, it can’t, it does for a second, then
it starts again, that’s not the real silence, it says that’s not the real silence,
what can be said of the real silence, I don’t know, that I don’t know what it is,
that there is no such thing, that perhaps there is such a thing, yes, that perhaps
there is, somewhere, I’ll never know. But when it falters and when it stops, but it
falters every instant, it stops every instant, yes, but when it stops for a good few
moments, a good few moments, what are a good few moments, what then, murmurs, then
it must be murmurs, and listening, someone listening, no need of an ear, no need of
a mouth, the voice listens, as when it speaks, listens to its silence, that makes
a murmur, that makes a voice, a small voice, the same voice only small, it sticks
in the throat, there’s the throat again, there’s the mouth again, it fills the ear,
there’s the ear again, then I vomit, someone vomits, someone starts vomiting again,
that must be how it happens, I have no explanations to offer, none to demand, the
comma will come where I’ll drown for good, then the silence, I believe it this evening,
still this evening, how it drags on, I’ve no objection, perhaps it’s springtime, violets,
no, that’s autumn, there’s a time for everything, for the things that pass, the things
that end, they could never get me to understand that, the things that stir, depart,
return, a light changing, they could never get me to see that, and death into the
bargain, a voice dying, that’s a good one, silence at last, not a murmur, no air,
no one listening, not for the likes of me, amen, on we go. Enormous prison, like a
hundred thousand cathedrals, never anything else any more, from this time forth, and
in it, somewhere, perhaps, riveted, tiny, the prisoner, how can he be found, how false
this space is, what falseness instantly, to want to draw that round you, to want to
put a being there, a cell would be plenty, if I gave up, if only I could give up,
before beginning, before beginning again, what breathlessness, that’s right, ejaculations,
that helps you on, that puts off the fatal hour, no, the reverse, I don’t know, start
again, in this immensity, this
obscurity, go through the motions of starting again, you who can’t stir, you who never
started, you the who, go through the motions, what motions, you can’t stir, you launch
your voice, it dies away in the vault, it calls that a vault, perhaps it’s the abyss,
those are words, it speaks of a prison, I’ve no objection, vast enough for a whole
people, for me alone, or waiting for me, I’ll go there now, I’ll try and go there
now, I can’t stir, I’m there already, I must be there already, perhaps I’m not alone,
perhaps a whole people is here, and the voice its voice, coming to me fitfully, we
would have lived, been free a moment, now we talk about it, each one to himself, each
one out loud for himself, and we listen, a whole people, talking and listening, all
together, that would ex, no, I’m alone, perhaps the first, or perhaps the last, talking
alone, listening alone, alone alone, the others are gone, they have been stilled,
their voices stilled, their listening stilled, one by one, at each new-coming, another
will come, I won’t be the last, I’ll be with the others, I’ll be as gone, in the silence,
it won’t be I, it’s not I, I’m not there yet, I’ll go there now, I’ll try and go there
now, no use trying, I wait for my turn, my turn to go there, my turn to talk there,
my turn to listen there, my turn to wait there for my turn to go, to be as gone, it’s
unending, it will be unending, gone where, where do you go from there, you must go
somewhere else, wait somewhere else, for your turn to go again, and so on, a whole
people, or I alone, and come back, and begin again, no, go on, go on again, it’s a
circuit, a long circuit, I know it well, I must know it well, it’s a lie, I can’t
stir, I haven’t stirred, I launch the voice, I hear a voice, there is nowhere but
here, there are not two places, there are not two prisons, it’s my parlour, it’s a
parlour, where I wait for nothing, I don’t know where it is, I don’t know what it’s
like, that’s no business of mine, I don’t know if it’s big, or if it’s small, or if
it’s closed, if it’s open, that’s right, reiterate, that helps you on, open on what,
there is nothing else, only it, open on the void, open on the nothing, I’ve no objection,
those are words, open on the silence, looking out on the silence, straight out, why
not, all this time on the brink of silence, I knew it, on a rock, lashed to a
rock, in the midst of silence, its great swell rears towards me, I’m streaming with
it, it’s an image, those are words, it’s a body, it’s not I, I knew it wouldn’t be
I, I’m not outside, I’m inside, I’m in something, I’m shut up, the silence is outside,
outside, inside, there is nothing but here, and the silence outside, nothing but this
voice and the silence all round, no need of walls, yes, we must have walls, I need
walls, good and thick, I need a prison, I was right, for me alone, I’ll go there now,
I’ll put me in it, I’m there already, I’ll start looking for me now, I’m there somewhere,
it won’t be I, no matter, I’ll say it’s I, perhaps it will be I, perhaps that’s all
they’re waiting for, there they are again, to give me quittance, waiting for me to
say I’m someone, to say I’m somewhere, to put me out, into the silence, I see nothing,
it’s because there is nothing, or it’s because I have no eyes, or both, that makes
three possibilities, to choose from, but do I really see nothing, it’s not the moment
to tell a lie, but how can you not tell a lie, what an idea, a voice like this, who
can check it, it tries everything, it’s blind, it seeks me blindly, in the dark, it
seeks a mouth, to enter into, who can query it, there is no other, you’d need a head,
you’d need things, I don’t know, I look too often as if I knew, it’s the voice does
that, it goes all knowing, to make me think I know, to make me think it’s mine, it
has no interest in eyes, it says I have none, or that they are no use to me, then
it speaks of tears, then it speaks of gleams, it is truly at a loss, gleams, yes,
far, or near, distances, you know, measurements, enough said, gleams, as at dawn,
then dying, as at evening, or flaring up, they do that too, blaze up more dazzling
than snow, for a second, that’s short, then fizzle out, that’s true enough, if you
like, one forgets, I forget, I say I see nothing, or I say it’s all in my head, as
if I felt a head on me, that’s all hypotheses, lies, these gleams too, they were to
save me, they were to devour me, that came to nothing, I see nothing, either because
of this or else on account of that, and these images at which they watered me, like
a camel, before the desert, I don’t know, more lies, just for the fun of it, fun,
what fun we’ve had, what fun of it, all lies, that’s soon said, you must