The Unorthodox Arrival of Pumpkin Allan (4 page)

Lois woke early the next morning. She was excited about organising the work that needed to be done on the house. Mel was also excited, but in her case, it was about the possibility of bumping into Adam again. Breakfast at the manor was as mediocre as their room.

“I thought this was rated five star,” said Mel, indignantly, “the food’s no better than a motorway motel.” She used her phone to take a photo of the pathetic, wilted rose on their breakfast table. “That should have been replaced days ago, or just taken away. What’s the point of leaving a dead rose as a centrepiece?”

“Oh no, do I sense a letter of complaint brewing?”

“Quite possibly.”

“About a wilting rose on the breakfast table?”

“Well about the general feel of the place, not being luxurious. That is what you expect for five stars isn’t it, a bit of luxury?”

“Well, if you have nothing better to do, then good for you! But I have more important issues, like finding a fabulous builder to decorate, no, renovate, my house! Coming?”

Lois rang Tom and chatted as she packed her few bits into her bag. He sounded much better and hoped to be able to go home once the consultant had been to look at his X-rays. His Mother was going to pick him up and drive him to London. He said how much he was looking forward to seeing his gorgeous girlfriend and hearing all about their fantastic new house. Lois went slightly red and then in the most positive tone she could muster, said that she couldn’t wait to tell him all about it.

After checking out of the hotel, Lois and Mel returned to Honeysuckle on foot, a walk of about three hundred yards. It was a stunning, sunny day, without a hint of cloud. The birds were singing in the trees overhanging the road. Two baby rabbits shot across in front of them from under a hedge, making them jump and then laugh. “Gosh, I feel surprisingly envious of you guys moving out here,” said Mel, as Honeysuckle came into view, “I would give anything to be in your position Lois. Lovely man, baby on the way, cottage in the country.” Lois had to agree, she was very lucky. It was such a beautiful day that the setbacks of yesterday were starting to pale into insignificance. 

Lois and Mel arrived at the cottage and let themselves in through the backdoor. Sunshine was pouring into the living room through the windows at the front of the house. “Wow!” said Lois, “Now that’s more like it.”

Lois wrote a to-do list while Mel made them both a cup of tea using an old saucepan that had been left in a cupboard, and the only functioning electric ring on the cooker. “Hey, you’ll probably get invoiced for this,” she laughed, waving the emptied pan in Lois’s direction.

Lois thanked Mel for the tea and took a cautious sip to test how hot it was. “Oh no, I forgot to pack sugar,” Lois said, looking briefly annoyed before easing herself up from the floor, grinning. “Perfect, the classic opportunity to knock on a neighbour’s door and introduce myself.”

“You be careful which door you knock on, you don’t want it to be old Mr. Black’s.”

“Good point. Hang on, didn’t Adam say he lives in Ivy Cottage?”

“Yes, that’s appropriate isn’t it? Poisonous old sod!”

“Anyway, that’s easy, I’ll not go next door, obviously, nor to Adam’s, nor to Ivy”. With that, Lois exited via the back door, with a small bowl she had found in a cupboard, in which to put the sugar.

She walked up the lane and did ‘eeny, meeny, miny, moe,’ to decide between the fourth and fifth cottages, Rose and Bramble. Bramble won. Lois let herself through the pedestrian gate and walked up the garden path. There was a metal wheelchair ramp up to the front door. Lois felt ridiculously nervous as she approached the door. Would it be a family living here, a couple, another grumpy old man? No, there couldn’t be more than one of those living in this idyllic spot. Lois tentatively rang the doorbell.

As she waited she heard a dog bark once, then there was some scraping of furniture. Something banged into the front door and she could hear some indecipherable mutterings. Lois felt a twinge of guilt, wondering whether her visit was causing problems for the person who needed the ramp.

The door opened a fraction then bumped into something and stopped abruptly. “Oh bugger off!” said the voice behind the door.

“Oh no,” said Lois under her breath, the blood draining from her face, “I don’t believe this!” There was a whirring sound and the door opened a bit more. Lois wondered whether to make a run for it, but a few seconds of indecision made it too awkward and she stayed rooted to the spot, heart rate increasing by the second. The door began to open and Lois could see that the whirring sound was coming from an electric wheelchair, manipulated by a balding man, whose remaining brown hair was heavily flecked with grey. In her anxious state, Lois had to do a double take, as the door appeared to be opening on its own. The man in the wheelchair had one hand on the joystick of the chair and the other lay limp in his lap.

“Oh bugger off!” said the man with a cheery smile, holding out his left hand for Lois to shake.

Lois stood completely rigid for several seconds, her mind trying to process the ridiculously mixed messages that she was seeing and hearing.

“Oh bugger off!” said the man again, nodding towards his hand, with his head slightly tilted on one side and grinning, somewhat lopsidedly, but in such an endearing way that Lois took his hand and shook it firmly. “Oh buuger off!”

Just as Lois was wondering what on earth she should do next, she heard a door closing at the back of the house and foot falls coming in their direction. “Jack, who is it?” asked a woman’s voice.

“Oh bugger off!” responded the man, pointing to Lois and smiling, as the woman appeared next to him.

“Can I help you?” she asked. Lois had almost forgotten about the need for sugar and stumbled over her words a little as she tried to remember why she was there. The whole situation had taken her completely by surprise and she felt quite emotionally unsteady.

“I’m Lois, so sorry to disturb you. I’ve just moved in to Honeysuckle.” At which point the woman squeezed herself past the wheelchair and much to Lois’s surprise, gave her an enthusiastic hug.

“Oh I’m so delighted to meet you Lois, we’ve been wondering who our new neighbours would be, haven’t we Jack?”

“Oh bugger off!” said Jack, with a determined nod.

“I’m Doreen, this is Jack and Ellie is here somewhere, where are you Ellie?” At which point Lois noticed the black Labrador sitting by the door. She dropped the rope that was in her mouth and trotted out, tail wagging, to greet Lois.

“Have you time for a cup of tea Lois?” asked Doreen. Lois thought about Mel waiting for her back at the house, but was now so overcome by Doreen’s offer of hospitality, she tentatively accepted, “A quick cuppa would be lovely. Oh and I’ve just remembered,” Lois held out the bowl, “any chance I could borrow some sugar?”

Lois stayed for about twenty minutes. She felt surprisingly at ease with Doreen and Jack, but not enough to ask about Jack’s problems, much as she was intrigued to find out what had caused his disabilities. So she chatted away, telling them about Tom and his accident, the baby on the way and the work that was needed on the cottage. Doreen and Jack sat listening intently. When he heard about Tom’s accident, Jack covered his eyes and shook his head saying compassionately, “Oooh buuuger oooff!”

The sun was shining as Lois left Bramble Cottage and she walked down the lane smiling. ‘A successful visit’, she thought to herself. She started to daydream about her and Tom becoming friends with all the neighbours. Popping in for coffee, dinner and parties. Then she remembered Mr. Black’s grumpy face and the screaming and swearing issuing through the paper-thin walls of the next-door cottage and her smile faded.

Lois found Mel sitting on the floor of the living room, with her mobile clasped under her chin, scribbling frantically on a scrap of paper to try and get a pen to work. She glared at Lois and gesticulated for her to find another. Lois rummaged through the contents of her oversized handbag. She eventually discovered a pen, lurking beneath the ludicrous pile of papers, old programmes, books, receipts, loyalty cards, and loose change and handed it to Mel. Lois then decided to make some tea while Mel finished on the phone, to try and win back favour.

“Well, you leave me to make all the arrangements why don’t you, while you go swanning off to have tea and cake with the neighbours!” said Mel sarcastically, as she put down the phone and stretched out her cramped legs.

“I went to Bramble,” Lois said, handing Mel a cup of tea.
“The man who lived there opened the door and told me to bugger off!”

“I don’t believe you! You’re smiling. You’re making it up!”

“It’s the God’s honest truth Mel.” Lois proceeded to recall her visit, which had Mel entranced, although she was still not totally convinced that Lois was telling the truth.

“This is quite an unusual little place you and Tom are moving to Lois.”

Lois smiled. “Anyway, did you organize my life while I was out?”

Adam had said if Lois could find a replacement door, he would fit it later in the day. He’d written down the door and hinge sizes and phone numbers of two relatively local reclaim yards, along with the best DIY stores in the area. Mel seemed suprisingly excited to fill Lois in on her telephone inquiries to track down a replacement front door.

“So, this place,” said Mel pointing to her meticulously neat notes, “said they had a ‘great solid oak door’ of similar dimensions to the original. It’s in very good condition apparently and,” Mel grinned, “he said you could have it for a hundred and fifty pounds and they would hang onto it for you for the rest of the day!”

“Wow, that’s fantastic!” Lois gave Mel a hug. “Thanks so much.”

“Yeah, it’s probably the one that was here in the first place,” Mel laughed.

“Well, at least we’ll know it fits!”

Lois made a swift tour of the house to compile what she hoped was a comprehensive list for the builders’ quotes. It included re-wiring downstairs, replacing the mustard-yellow plastic bathroom suite, redecorating throughout, treating for woodworm and dry rot, (which had come to Lois’s notice while making the list, at which point she’d started wondering about suing the surveyor). The possibilities for soundproofing for the party walls would also need to be discussed.

The builders came and went. There were three. The first, Eric, was a middle-aged, chin rubbing, ‘oh, you don’t wanna do that!’ sort of a man, who Lois didn’t take to at all. Number two, John, apparently managed to stand in a pile of dog excrement, between parking his car and entering the cottage. Oblivious to this, he proceeded to walk around the house, depositing it on the flowery carpets as he went. Lois, too embarrassed to say anything, had to stifle several retches as she showed him what needed doing. She slammed the back door after he’d gone, ”What’s the matter with these people?” she gasped, “are there no normal builders around?”

Builder number three, to her great relief was ‘normal’. His name was Dean and he was young and energetic. When Lois apologized for the faeces on the carpet, explaining that the previous builder had trodden it through the house, he went and got some cleaning liquid and old rags from his van and scrubbed the worst of it away. By this time it hardly mattered what quote he gave, he was the builder for Lois and he said he could start on Monday.

Dean left, having promised to drop off his estimate at the cottage later in the day. Then Mel and Lois walked back to the manor car park, collected the car and drove off down the sweeping driveway of Harewood Park, in search of a door.

Lois felt that the visit to the reclaim yard was a great success. The manager felt it was a great success too. True to his word, he had put a fantastic oak door to one side for Lois, which she inspected closely for woodworm. The manager, who was clearly well ahead of the game when he offered the door for a hundred and fifty pounds, then proceeded to sell her ‘antique’ door furniture and hinges for two hundred and fifty pounds.

Having made her purchase, Lois realised that a door of this size was not going to fit into an MG convertible. She felt her cheeks grow suddenly hot with embarrassment. Thinking fast, as the manager and his sidekick carried the door out of the barn, looking for the car in which to put it, Lois said, “Hang on just a moment, I’ll put the top down, I think it’ll fit behind the front seats.” 

The door did fit behind the seats, but didn’t look very secure. The manager offered to cut it in half, making it into a stable door effect. Lois thought better of that suggestion; he would probably try to sell her another small fortunes worth of door furnishings, as well as charging for cutting it in half. “No, it’ll be fine as it is, so long as Mel puts her body weight into keeping it from flipping backwards out of the car!” Lois laughed. Mel didn’t have a great deal of body weight on offer and looked a bit doubtful about the whole thing. At which point the manager secured a length of rope around the door for Mel to hold onto from her seat and away they went.

As the weather was now looking somewhat doubtful, they decided they would be wise to go straight back to the cottage. Indeed, as they drove towards ‘The Park’ the first raindrops fell. Within a minute the intensity of the rain had increased so rapidly that Lois, Mel, the inside of the car and Lois’s beloved door were drenched.

“What the hell are we going to do now? My lovely door’s getting soaked!” Lois screeched.