The Vagina Ass of Lucifer Niggerbastard (3 page)

Hey!”

“Fuck off, cuntswallow.” Lucifer said dreamily. “I want to fuck that bitch from here to the moon and back.”

“I have heard that a great hero has come to our lands by chance.” The queen thundered from atop her dildo tower. “A man of great skill and prowess in the sack. A man with a cock fifty feet long and eighty feet wide who has fucked more whales to death than any faggot who ever lived. His name is Lucifer Niggerbastard, and he is the man from the prophesy of the Vagina ass that is spoken of in the teachings of those gay fuckers from ancient times.” She smiled.

“Oh, how I wish he would come and fuck me until my brain fell out my ass!”

“Holy shit! Here’s my chance!” Lucifer threw off the knitted blanket and grinned. “Your highness! I am no gympy retard come to mooch your pizza and nachos while fucking your grandsons in the ass! I am Aeneas–I mean Lucifer Niggerbastard, and I am here to fuck you so hard your nipples will turn blue and fall off!”

“OH LUCIFER!” The Dyke Queen dived off her dick tower and fell into his arms, kissing every inch of every one of his mullets. “I love you! Holy shit I love you!”

“Is there a place where we can fuck?” He asked.

“Yes! Oh god yes!” She cried. “There’s a gay musty cave in the mountains we must go to. We can fuck there for hours!”

“Sounds like a plan!” Lucifer Niggerbastard yelled, grinning. “Carthage fucking rocks!”

“Hey, fuckwit!” Mercury kicked Lucifer Niggerbastard in the balls. “What the fuck are you doing? Did you forget the fucking prophesy?”

“What fucking prophesy?” Lucifer bent the queen over and started plowing her ass like an angry cow again. “Go the fuck away you kinky freak. I’m trying to fuck the Beaner King’s ex-wife.”

“Dude. You want Jupiter to stick his foot up your ass?” Mercury kicked him in the balls again. “You got places to be, other people’s daughters to do in the ass and shit.”

“Fuck that.” Lucifer bit the Dyke Queen’s ear and came in her hair. “I’m in love, bitch. I’m never leaving fucking Carthage.”

“Oh right, I forgot about that little fucker Cupid.”

He kicked Lucifer in the balls again. “There’s only one cure for the venom.” He stroked his chin. “I have to touch my ballsack to yours and sacrifice a ten foot turd to Priapus.”

“That sounds pretty gay.” Lucifer mused.

“I’ve done gayer.” Mercury grinned, kicking him in the balls one last time. “Stay there. I’ll do it while you’re already bent over.”

“What?” Lucifer demanded, but before he could react, Mercury had moved so fast that the entire ritual was done and he had fucked Lucifer in the ass twelve times to boot. “Holy shit!” Suddenly the power that Cupid’s venom had had over his brain fell away and he pulled his cock out of the Dyke Queen’s ass.

“Woah, Mercury, dude, you’re fucking right. I’ve got to get the hell out of here.”

“There’s one boat left at the harbor. Grab your sack of babyshit and some nachos and stuff and then sail to Cumay, home of the cunt-cave of wayward cum-sucking dick ribbons where the priest of the dildo staff reads the auspices in the liquid shit that a giant entombed forever in the stone by an Ass Wizard squirts through his enormous herpes-ridden prolapse.”

“You got it, faggot!” Lucifer pulled his pants on and darted for the door. “Thanks for the kick in the balls, Mercury!”

“Anytime, Niggerbastard!” The god tipped his gay hat to the master of the vagina ass and puffed out of existence with a wet explosion of ass mucus.

“Wait, where are you going!?” The queen asked, following Lucifer as he dropped to the dirt and did a series of action rolls all the way to the gates of Carthage. “I love you! We fucked! You’re supposed to marry me and be the new King of the Beaners!”

“Fuck that!” Niggerbastard said. “Fucking doesn’t mean marrying, bitch!”

“But you fucked me so hard my brain fell out my ass about eight times!” The Dyke Queen yelled, pounding her fists against her tits. “Doesn’t that mean something!?”

“It means you’re fucked if you have a gay baby now.” He laughed. “Sorry, bitch!”

“I am totally going to kill myself if you don’t stay, Lucifer!” She shouted.

“Down the lane, not across the street, bitch!” He yelled back.

CHAPTER 9: BITCH GOES TOTALLY FUCKING EMO

When Lucifer arrived in Carthage, the Queen was so fucking emo she ordered her footmen to gather up everything burnable in the city: nachos, pizza, furniture,

small children, bibles, babies, copies of Mein Kamph that the high priest had been wacking off to, music made by dickless boybands, lumpy horses, the works. On top of the giant pile was a massive shit-stained mattress that had been freshly killed that morning, and as she sprawled out on top of it, she held her favorite razor-bladed dildo to her throat.

“I’m going to fucking kill myself, Niggerbastard!” She warned.

“Do it, bitch!” He shouted back, gathering up his sack of burbling babyshit and stuffing him full of nachos. “I don’t fucking care.”

Screaming like a little bitch and kicking her heels against the shit-stained mattress, the queen took the razor-bladed dildo and mutilated herself with it, cutting open every vein in her body and using her last breath to order her footmen to burn the giant gay pile of crap they’d put her mattress on top of. The razor-bladed dildo got so fucking scared when it fell from her hands that it yelled “Holy shit! Holy fuck! Ahhh!” and ran all the way to the top of the stack again on its gay little ballsack feet. Seeing this, the sack of babyshit vomited all over the place and pointed one shitty fist at the dildo.

“Holy shit!” He yelled. “Hey, fucker! They’re gonna burn your ass if you stay up there!” The dildo stared down at him dumbly. “Come on down, fucker!

We could use someone like you on our quest!”

“Really?” The dildo asked. “Holy shit! Sweet!” And with that, he bounded down the pile of shit just as the footmen of the dead Dyke Queen of Carthage set it on fire and joined Lucifer Niggerbastard and the sack of burbling babyshit in the center of town. “My name is Rojir!” He grinned, extending a rubber hand.

“Pleased to meet you!”

“Yeah, same, fuckwit.” Lucifer nodded quickly.

“Listen, we gotta go. Can you show us to the place where they keep the fucking boats?”

“Yeah sure!” Rojir bounced on his little rubber balls. Lucifer swallowed; while they had been standing there, a pack of angry retards who had been suddenly deprived of their free nachos and pizza had gathered around them, beating their gimpy arms against fists, eager to pound some ass into the ground.

“Holy shit!” Exclaimed the dildo.

“Yeah, I got this.” Lucifer grinned, and throwing off the leprechaun shit colored knitted blanket he’d been using as a cloak, he yanked the Ass-Fairy’s magic wand and blasted the closest fucker in the chest with a load of hot buckshot. “Anyone else want to suck a load of what I’ve got!?” He shouted. “Come on, Fuckers! Get some!”

But none of the gympy retards were eager to die, so they all ran away like little bitches, clearing a path to the port where the only ship Neptune hadn’t destroyed sat waiting to be commandeered. Like the Ass-Fairy’s boat, this too had a giant magic dick in the bottom of it that had to be stroked to get the thing moving, and as the boat took off into the piss-yellow ocean, it got so hard that it almost popped the burbling sack of babyshit and the razor-bladed dildo had to take over for him. Lucifer grinned, reached into the sack and smeared nacho cheese mixed with babyshit all over his face.

“Holy shit I love life!” He yelled, then turned back.

“Oh, and Rojir, welcome to the gay fucking fellowship of the Vagina Ass!”

CHAPTER 10: THE PRIEST OF THE DILDO

STAFF

The razor-bladed dildo was such a hot-shot pilot with the boat and so good with the magic dick in the bottom of it that the fucking thing shot all the way to Cumay like a nigger with a stolen television chasing a bucket of fried chicken inside of a watermelon.

Within seconds, Carthage was gone, the memory of it like the aftertaste that hits you when you’ve sucked down a gallon of runny bear shit with a drain-cleaner chaser and suddenly you want to dance around like a faggot and wear ugly white peoples’ skin for socks.

In fact, the razor-bladed dildo was so good with the magic dick that the fucking boat skipped right off the piss-yellow ocean and crashed headfirst into the cunt-cave of wayward cum-sucking dick ribbons. Being the fucking hero and not a useless sack of babyshit or a retarded dildo covered in razor blades, Lucifer was the first to get to his feet again.

“Hey niggers!” Lucifer stuck his head into the cave.

“Any bitch cunt motherfuckers up in this shitty ass retard cave?”

“Shut your whore mouth, chink nip whop gook son of a mulatto!” A voice shouted back. “I’m trying to read the goddamned future in this gigantic faggot’s shit!”

“The future!?” Rojir clapped his gay little rubber balls together excitedly. “Holy fuck! What do you see!?”

“Gayness.” The voice replied. “President after president who isn’t worth a fucking shit and… oh wait, wrong empire.” He cleared his throat, made a g a y - s o u nd i n g f a l s e t t o w h i s t l e . “ L u c i f e r Niggerbastard, you stupid worthless honkey motherfucker, I know what you have come seeking.”

“Yeah, Mercury said he called ahead.” Lucifer nodded knowingly. “So what’s the verdict, fuck ass?”

“You’ve almost made it to the shithole where you’re supposed to use the power of the vagina-ass to found a nation of Niggerbastards. Only one fucking gay ass little thing still stands in your way.”

“And what the fuck would that be, buttmunch?”

“The Latin League.” The Oracle poked his head out from around a corner, lit the end of his dildo staff and stepped into the cavern where Lucifer stood. “Long ago, when giant fucking shit-breathing lizards and angry disco-dancing white people and butt-burping rolling fatass beaners of the orient were tearing the shit out of this land and eating everything, a big fucking douche named Turnus showed up and single-handedly smashed them all into oblivion. But, since he realized being a douche all by himself wasn’t as cool as being a douche with others, he roped these two bitches named Camilla and Alecto with promises of anal sex and now they all run around with superhero masks on calling themselves the Latin League.” The Oracle sighed. “There’s no way you’re going to be able to give birth to a nation of Niggerbastards with those fuckers running around.”

“It’s okay, I’ve got a magic wand that shits buckshot.” Lucifer said, showing off the shotgun the Ass Fairy had given him.

“Yeah, that’ll do the trick, but you gotta catch the fuckers first.” The Oracle nodded.

“My ears are wide fucking open on how to do that, you old bitch.” Lucifer grinned.

“In this land, there is a castle where a tremendous asshole named Latinus lives with his wife Latina and their daughter Latvia, who you’re destined to fuck a bunch and maybe marry down the line if she doesn’t turn out to be a barren bitch or a man with his cock all shoved up into his ass so he he looks like a girl.” The Oracle turned and drew a perfect map of the earth complete with towns and touch-screen adjustability on the rock wall. “Just go to this fucking place and ask Latinus to help you. Here’s a GPS in case you get lost.

His wife’s a bitch, but he’s cool and his daughter is totally fuckable.”

“That’s it?” Lucifer asked.

“That’s it.” Said the Oracle. “Then you just fuck up Turnus, rape his whores and start pumping out that nation of Niggerbastards.”

“Sounds easy.” Lucifer grinned, then blasted the Oracle in the face with a load of buckshot. “Thanks, asshole!”

CHAPTER 11: AT LEAST HIS DAUGHTER IS FUCKABLE

“Knock knock, bitch! Open the fuck up!” Lucifer Niggerbastard pounded on the gate of the massive castle where Latinus kept his flock of crackwhores locked up like fuckable sheep. Yelling like a bitch with a giant carrot stuck ten feet up her rectum, Latina ran tight circles around the inside of the castle’s giant cock-shaped tower until the king jammed a handgrenade in her mouth and pushed her off the tower onto a bed of steak knives that had been welded together and left on the ground for the local children to play with.

“Holy shit I’ve been wanting to do that for a long fucking time.” Latinus grinned, night cap sitting on the top of his shiny bald cock-like head like a giant squirt of liquid poo. The grenade went off, and Latina exploded like a cherry bomb in a diaper crammed to overloading with liquid grandpa shit. Bits of brown and yellow and red and mauve splattered everywhere, and the king kept grinning even as a splotch of it hit his cheek and ran down the curve of his face into his mouth. “Hello fuckers!” He shouted.

“What the shit is going on!”

“The priest with the dildo staff who was the Oracle at Cumay told us to come here.” Lucifer glanced at Rojir and the sack of babyshit. “He said you had a gay wife and a fuckable daughter.”

“My daughter is most definitely fuckable. I go there at least ten times a night. Her ass is tighter than a senator’s wallet and twice as fat! And my wife, well.

. .” He shrugged, laughed. “What wife?”

“I fucking love this old bastard already.” Lucifer said to the sack of babyshit. “Hey King Latinus, the Oracle also told us you could help us meet the Latin League so I could fill that worthless cracker-ass potato-sucker Turnus full of hot buckshot.”

“Turnus?” Latinus grinned back. “I don’t give a shit about that old fag. My son Pallas is the only asshole gay enough in this castle to know where that dickless excuse for a pedofile hangs out.”

“Well send him the fuck down.” Lucifer said. “The prophesy says I’ve got to start making a fucking nation of Niggerbastards with this fucking vagina ass now that I’m in your gay fucking country.”

“Vagina-ass?” Latinus’ grin faded. “You’re the keeper of the vagina-ass?” He squinted. “Lucifer Niggerbastard!?”

“That’s me, bitch!” Lucifer grinned.

“Holy shit sideways through a fuzzy tube!” Latinus rushed to the other side of his tower and yanked on a massive cock-shaped lever, raising the gate in one firm pull. “Get the fuck inside! Tonight you eat only the finest ass oysters freshly harvested from the sea of foreskin sauce and drink only the finest Ethiopian bathwater!” He gestured fiercely. “I want you to fuck the shit out of my kids too! Latvia is fucking hella tight, but Pallas could use a hotdog or two in his hallway too!”