The Vagina Ass of Lucifer Niggerbastard (4 page)

“Can I just fucking marry your gay ass, sir?” Lucifer yelled back as he walked through the gate.

“You’re the most fucking amazing king ever to live on the face of the whole shitting planet.”

“Nah, fucking shit’s still illegal.” He closed the gate. “Besides, if you’re fucking me, you’re not fucking my kids. And I tend to shove grenades into my wives gay mouths. He wiped at the shit on his face, licked it off his finger. “Goddamn! Latina was a hot tasty bitch. She was my fifty-eighth wife!”

“Holy shitting Christ!” Rojir yelled back. “You are the fucking man, Latinus!”

“Shut the fuck up so this chapter can end and we can go kill that nigger Turnus!” Lucifer yelled.

And then the chapter fucking ended.

CHAPTER 12: TURNUS SUCKS SHIT THROUGH A LITTLE TUBE FOR FUN

The next morning, after fucking everything in sight and eating more ass oysters than a rich bitch could ever fucking afford to serve at her gay ass elbow-rubbing-with-faggots-party, Latinus bid the Fellowship of the Vagina-Ass a fond farewell, adding his son Pallas to their number. The young cocksucker was armed with his trusty Roman GPS, and as they all rolled out on brand new pink and sparkly scooters with knobby, babyshit green tires, he pointed at the horizon, announced:

“Faggot-ho!”

Over hills shaped like tits and dales shaped like vaginas they ran, scattering herds of faggotbeest roaming the fertile plains. Each mile brought them closer to the Latin League, and even before they saw the first signs of Turnus and his two bitches, they caught the smell of burning baby diapers and nipplecheese prolapse gas. “The Latin League!” Pallas yelled from under his shit-frosted, ass-shaped goggles. “Holy fuck we’re close!”

“Good!” Lucifer Niggerbastard shouted back, pulling the Ass Fairy’s magic wand out and slinging it across the handlebars of his pink and sparkly scooter. “Lets fuck this townie mudder hopscotch penis wannabe so fucking hard his ass will prolapse out his face!”

“Hell yeah, Niggerbastard!” The sack of babyshit burbled.

“Lets do this, bitches!” Rojir screamed, peeling out in the shit-colored mud and rocketing off toward the spot where Pallas had pointed.

But when the four intrepid fuckers of the Fellowship of the Vagina-Ass crested the last hill between themselves and the Latin League, they quickly found that Turnus, having been the only person in the entire shitting world who had read the prophesy day and night and committed the whole damn thing to memory, had set a trap for them.

“La-Tin-League, roll out!” Turnus shouted, ripping off his pants as he ran out to meet the fellowship, the surface of his diamond-plated, prehensile carbide-reinforced cock blinding them as it caught the light.

On either side of him, Alecto and Camilla pulled hard on ropes of braided asshair, and as the ground exploded in a furry of mud and shit, a wall of floppy dicknipples sprung up in front of the fellowship and became suddenly erect, squirting wads of chunky, semi-liquid shit in a phalanx that came too sudden for any ordinary man to avoid.

But Lucifer Niggerbastard was no ordinary man, he was the keeper of the vagina-ass, man destined to give birth to an entire nation of Jupiter worshipping Niggerbastards! Leaping straight into the air and doing a somersault, he grabbed the sack of babyshit with one hand, caught Rojir’s little rubber balls with the other, and used his floppy cock to catch Pallas by the mouth, flinging the three of them over the wall of shitting nippledicks and catching the Ass Fairy’s magic wand as he let them go.

“FUCK ME! FUCK ME! SHIT ON ME!” Turnus yelled as the scooters exploded against the nippledick wall and the Fellowship of the Vagina-Ass landed safe and sound on the other side. Alecto and Camilla rushed to Turnus’ side, doing gay little dances with sausages on chains of braided ass hair as Lucifer got to his feet, pointed his shotgun at the Latin League.

“So, bitches, we meet at last.” Turnus flashed his sweet golden grill, complete with missing teeth. “I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.”

“Me too.” Lucifer shot back. “Well, not really. I only found out about you yesterday, but I’m still going to fuck your ass up.”

“Bring it, bitchesssssssssss” Turnus hissed, and with that he rushed the Fellowship, Alecto and Camilla quickly falling into crouches, screaming gay, piercing, undulating battlecries that seemed to bend the very fabric of reality in fucking epic ways. Not wasting any time, Lucifer slung a load of hot buckshot at the crazy fucker, but the master of the Latin League was too fast and deflected the entire thing with the diamond plating of his prehensile cock. Grinning from ear to ear, Turnus yelled: “Alecto! Vomit Cannon Go!”

Tearing open her mouth, Alecto dropped to hands and knees and opened herself to the elemental plane of explosive vomit and summoned a tide of burning fucking regurgitated death that sprayed toward the Fellowship. Beside her, Camilla yelled “I cast magic dildo!” and threw out her hands, summoning a fifty-foot sparkly, shit-covered, wheeled, razor-bladed, cat-raping, gymped, shaved, piss pimple spewing, Elvis-impersonating dildo and flinging it toward Lucifer Niggerbastard at hypersonic speed.

“Jesus Christ!” Pallas screamed, tackling Lucifer Niggerbastard just in time to save his life. On either side of them, the sack of babyshit darted left and Rojir darted right, both readying their own weapons for the fight.

“Babyshit!” Lucifer yelled. “You take Alecto! Rojir! Fuck that bitch Camilla in her fat, dildo-summoning ass!”

“Aye aye, fucker!” They yelled back, and not waiting for any fucking thing, they rushed their targets, the sack of babyshit summoning his own magic dildos and Rojir rolling as fast as he could on his tiny rubber balls, screaming his battle cry of “I FUCK YOU UP! I FUCK YOU UP!” Turnus didn’t even flinch as his bitches were forced to do hand to hand combat with the dildo and the sack of babyshit, but instead focused his prehensile cock on Lucifer and the prince, grinning as he jumped into the air, sunlight glinting off the diamond-plated head of his carbide-reinforced penis.

“I got this, Niggerbastard!” Pallas yelled, and sprinting straight up into the air like an epic motherfucker, he threw his GPS at Turnus and clocked the fucker right in the face. But that wasn’t enough to even slow the asshole down, and as he grinned his toothless grill grin at the prince, he spun around on the axis of his cock and caught Pallas around his gay pencil neck, jamming his killer dick into Pallas’ undefended ass and killing the fucker instantly. Lucifer shouted, suddenly so angry that he bodyslammed Turnus like a profiling cop and carried him back to the dirt like a bitch. But Turnus’ most dangerous weapon was his diamond-plated prehensile carbide-reinforced cock, and even as Lucifer pinned him down, he tried to stab the master of the vagina ass, his dick like a heat-seeking faggot missile.

“FUCK YOU, TURNUS!” Lucifer shouted, slamming the fucker’s head against a rock. “FUCK

YOU IN YOUR GAY WORTHLESS FAGGOT SHIT

EATING GREASEBALL GRINGO WHOP TARBABY

GOOK FLIP NIP JERRY CHINK RUSKIE BEANER

NIGGER GOYIM KRAUT HONKEY CRACKER

WETBACK SQUAW BOHUNK POLACK GWAILO

CHINAMEN CHRISTKILLER HALF-CASTE CHOLO

SPOOK KYKE COON-ASS LIMEY RAGHEAD DINK

NIG-NOG ASSKIMO HUN WIGGER FRITZ FROG

SPICK JUNGLEBUNNY MUNTER PORCHMONKEY

R O U N D E Y E W H I T E Y Z I P P E R H E A D

MOTHERFUCKER ASS!”

“Haha, I killed Pallas!” Turnus grinned. “Who’s the bitch now? Who’s the bitch?”

“Fuck you!” Lucifer shouted, and throwing the master of the Latin League down so hard he cracked the fucking Earth beneath the fucker, he jumped to his feet and jammed the Ass Fairy’s magic wand into Turnus’ face. “Eat lead, fucker!”

“Wait!” Turnus yelled. “Let me live! I won’t be a bitch anymore!”

“Fuck you.” Lucifer spat back. “You killed Pallas, and he was the best fuck I ever had.” His finger tightened across the magic wand’s trigger. “See you in hades, fuckwit!”

But when he pulled the trigger, nothing happened.

In the moment, both fuckers froze. Lucifer pulled the trigger again, and then the Ass Fairy’s words came back to him all at once.

Use my magic wand wisely! Griswalda had warned.

It can only work so many fucking times before it blows all up and shit.

But the realization came too late, and Lucifer’s gay little reverie only served to distract him. In an instant, Turnus was back on his feet and, jamming his huge prehensile cock into the chest of the keeper of the vagina-ass, he ripped out the fucker’s heart and ate it whole. In another instant, Lucifer Niggerbastard was dead, and both Alecto and Camilla made quick work of Rojir and the sack of burbling babyshit, spreading their guts across the plain like faggoty shit-paint.

From his castle of shit high atop mount Olympus, Jupiter shat himself, facepalmed, and yelled:

“FUCK ME IN THE GOAT ASS!”

Seriously though, if you’re offended, you’re not reading close enough. :)