The Velvet Rage (11 page)

What is distinctly noticeable about this stage two depression is that the old sources of validation no longer seem to soothe the gay man's distress. He works hard, but the feeling of validation is harder to come by. The beautifully furnished apartment no longer thrills him. His success at work feels as if it were a grating noise to his ears. The parade of sexual conquests with beautiful men becomes tedious and boring, like a hamster on a treadmill who runs incessantly but will never go anywhere. Very little, if anything, is experienced as validating.

The resolution of this depression is the same thing that takes all gay men from stage two to stage three. In short, he must discover the secret of
authentic
validation.

The primary thrust of stage two is achieving validation as compensation for shame. Along with this naturally follows a
very low tolerance for invalidation. Stage two is a race against shame—pushing as hard as we can to earn the prize that will make it all worthwhile. The problem arises, however, in that not all validation really satisfies us. Some forms of validation, the more inauthentic forms, briefly gratify our hunger but ultimately only whet our appetite for more. In the end, it is only authentic validation that truly satisfies us, and when we are starved for authentic validation, depression inevitably overtakes us.

The harsh reality of stage two is that the gay man often pursues sources of inauthentic validation. Why? Because he hasn't yet discovered the essential part of himself. Having lived with the belief that he was critically flawed, his true self was abandoned and he pursued other, more appealing personas.

The steep climb out of stage two and the depression it can sometimes trigger is found in the simple process of rediscovering the essence of the self. It is a complete upheaval of life that ultimately destroys everything that was once dear and sacred, and preserves only that which is real and honest.

In order to discover the self, we must first face our core of shame. We must acknowledge that we have long held a belief in our own reprehension, and this belief has directed our life, and not for the better. Perhaps this seems the obvious and logical path as we objectively consider shame, but the subjective experience of facing toxic shame is utterly wrenching. It quakes even the most stable part of our soul, and leaves us terrified by the knowledge that we know nothing of who we truly are.

This exposure to toxic shame causes it to erode and melt, eventually leaving us for good. Like fear or any other distressing emotion, prolonged exposure diminishes its power over us. When we stand and face that wicked witch, she dissolves under the power of our steadfast gaze.

The end of stage two is inevitably the dark night of the soul for the gay man. It is a time when he may untie every anchor to his small vessel. Relationships are often ended. Career choices are frequently questioned. Friendships are dismissed. The meaning of life is rejected, revised, destroyed, and reinvented. And while the extent to which a gay man displays this angst upon his face and life may vary, the internal process is always tough and grim. Some retreat into a period of mostly silent contemplation. Others become activated, expressing their struggle to all who will hear. Each slight variation of personality has its own way of expressing the process, but the result is the same: elimination of shame and the birth of authenticity.

T
he first two stages of the gay man's emotional life contain within them a troubling and self-defeating cycle that is often difficult to break. In fact, it is this vicious cycle that keeps some gay men locked into stages one and two for a lifetime.

The vicious cycle is an inability to learn from one's mistakes in life as a result of avoiding shame. Mistakes are one of the primary causes of justifiable shame. Therefore, when a gay man in stage one or two makes a mistake, he is slow to admit it and stubbornly refuses to revisit the mistake in order to learn how he might do things better. He may employ defensive behaviors such as blaming the mistake on others, denial, and being slow or refusing to acknowledge the mistake.

Randy had been frustrated with his job for several months. He had quickly shimmied up the management hierarchy at his company over the past few years, and now found himself in an administrative position that had almost nothing to do with the work he really enjoyed. He had been a graphic designer for an
advertising firm, and when he showed some talent for managing projects, he soon found himself being promoted into a management position. On top of this, his new boss was extremely hard-driving and difficult to work for. One day late in November, he went to work and discovered one of his boss's usual demanding voicemails waiting for him. (His boss had a habit of not sleeping and sending voicemails to employees in the middle of the night.) It was just too much for Randy, and he walked into his boss's office and quit.

The months that followed his resignation were very lean, to say the least. The rent in San Francisco wasn't cheap, and he chewed through the little bit in savings he had in a matter of weeks. He couldn't claim unemployment benefits because he had voluntarily quit his job, and his field was not hiring. He ended up losing his apartment, moving in with a friend, running up his credit cards to the limit, and working a part-time job at a local real estate firm laying out their Sunday advertisements.

Because the whole situation triggered a great deal of shame for Randy, he couldn't see that he had made a mistake by quitting without having another job lined up. He blamed his old boss, the slow economy, and his “greedy” landlord for his current problems.

Had Randy been able to tolerate the shame over having reacted too quickly, he could have then been able to acknowledge that he sometimes acted impulsively, not usually in his best interest. The next time such a situation would come up, he'd be able to recognize the signs of impulsivity and attempt to work things out in a more thoughtful and planned manner. But Randy just couldn't go there—the shame was too much for him. Not surprisingly, he repeated similar scenarios in several subsequent jobs.

Like with Randy, a common experience of gay men in stages one and two is this difficulty in learning from past mistakes. Mistakes
trigger shame; therefore, they must be avoided. Since no one is perfect, mistakes are unavoidable, so the second-best thing he can do is avoid the memory of the mistakes, or try to “cook the books” and construe the mistake as something other than an error. The tragedy contained in this vicious cycle is that mistakes help a person change their behavior. When mistakes are swept under the carpet of life, then no change takes place and the same dysfunctional behaviors keep happening.

One area in stages one and two where the vicious cycle is quite evident is when a gay man jumps from one relationship to another, seemingly without much hesitation in between. Because the shame over a failed relationship is too distressing, he chooses to fill his mind with other things rather than rethinking the memory of the failed relationship. Of course, there's no better distraction in life than to fall head over heels for another man. By throwing himself into another relationship quickly, there is little time or energy to mull over the problems of the past. When memories do surface, he often handles them by blaming them on the shortcomings of his former partner. The more he pushes the memories away, the more effectively he avoids shame.

There are brief times when the gay man cannot deny the mistakes of his past. Quite unpredictably the memories can come boiling to the surface, and he may find himself overwhelmed and even incapacitated. This is the time when most gay men in stages one and two seek psychotherapy. For a brief window,
they see a glimpse of themselves clearly, and it triggers such overwhelming and toxic shame that they have great difficulty functioning normally.

Psychotherapy with a gay man in such a crisis is often difficult for the therapist. The therapist may want him to examine and learn from the mistakes of his past, but this only increases his distress and feelings of shame. Instead, what the client seeks is support for his defensive behaviors. He wants the therapist to collude with him in blaming his ex-partners, ex-bosses, or former friends. If the therapist is unwilling to do so, the client may become angry toward the therapist and be unwilling to continue. What he seeks is help in avoiding shame, not more exposure to shame. It's not until he reaches stage three that he realizes that the only way to reduce shame is to expose oneself to it. Until he's ready, he will likely resist any attempt that comes close to increasing his experience of shame.

Being unable to acknowledge mistakes of the past is often a challenge in intimate relationships. Every relationship requires repair from time to time—one or both people must own the injury they have caused within the relationship and show an intention to do differently in the future. Nobody wants to be around a jerk who never acknowledges when he has screwed up. Eventually, we grow weary of such a person and break off the relationship.

Admitting a mistake is opening the door to shame, something a gay man in stages one and two can't really afford to do. It's far
too threatening, so he may ignore the mistake and hope it will be forgotten, or worse, try to create a distraction by blaming his partner for something else.

Geoff and Randy were always arguing about something. It seemed that every day brought some new dispute, however minor, that sparked at a minimum an enlivened discussion. Whether to buy soy or rice milk, when to have the dog groomed, how best to clean the kitchen—on and on it went.

When they came in for couple's counseling, they both complained that the other couldn't ever apologize for his mistakes. This would then inspire the other to refuse to apologize or offer a repair, and so the relationship polarized between two men who were unwilling to own the injuries each may have created in the relationship.

What Geoff and Randy experienced had begun to tear their relationship apart. Privately, each felt responsible for the failure of the relationship, but when they were together neither was willing to do so, at least not in a meaningful way. For example, when Geoff would apologize for something he'd done, he'd inevitably follow it with reciprocal blame of Randy, effectively undoing the apology. “It's true that I didn't take the dog out last night, but it was only because Randy didn't do the dishes and I was busy cleaning up after him.” Repairing a relationship means taking meaningful steps to accept responsibility without diverting to blame for another issue. By offering a counter-blame, Geoff was able to stave off the shame by showing that in comparison his mistakes were somehow less than Randy's.

I see often the tactic of counter-blame in gay couples where both men are in stage one or two. Even in relationships that are far less conflicted than Geoff and Randy's, you see it come out whenever the subject turns to important problems within the
relationship. “I would want to have more sex if he were interested in kissing more.” Or “I only went out to the bar because he doesn't seem to be interested in me anymore.” These and so many other situations are fraught with possibilities for counter-blame.

Another common experience with these couples is that of pseudo-apologies. Because owning a mistake is shame-provoking only when you really believe that you are responsible, it is possible to apologize for a long list of things that you really don't believe you have done but will earn you points with your partner. Unfortunately, pseudo-apologies contribute to a reserve of resentment that continues to grow within you. You slowly trade some of your self-esteem for the sake of diffusing a possible conflict. You begin to feel like the martyr as the resentment mounts—the one who is always making sacrifices for the sake of the relationship.

How does this play out? One way is when gay men become completely infatuated and obsessed with a new love. It is beyond enjoying the excitement of a new man in their life—they become consumed with the relationship, spending virtually all of their time with the new lover and neglecting their relationships with just about anyone else. As the relationship begins to cool down, they begin to notice small faults in their lover and begin pointing these out. Eventually, this creates an explosive situation, as the criticism sparks shame and anger within the lover, and he may choose to retaliate with some choice criticisms of his own. The relationship often continues for a while—sometimes months or even years—with both partners constantly needling and triggering shame in each other. At some point, it becomes too much and the relationship falls apart.

Amazingly, for some gay men this cycle may mature in only a couple of weeks, and for others it may take significantly longer.
One day he is on cloud nine with a new love. Before you know it, he despises the same man. I once knew a gay man who told his friend, “Don't even bother to introduce me until you've been with him (new boyfriend) for six months. I don't want to waste time with the flavor-of-the-month man.”

A gay man who spends a great deal of time spinning around and around in this vicious cycle inevitably experiences a relationship trauma. Betrayal, abandonment, abuse, and chaotic relationships are all part of his history. He may even develop relationship hopelessness and decide that this is all relationships will ever be for him. And this being so, he concludes that they are just too much work for him.