The Virgin Master (19 page)

Jeremy decided that he would not let Evan feel awkward today. He was going to be the perfect submissive. Just because Evan didn’t have feelings for him now, didn’t mean he never would. He managed to get to his feet and get to the bathroom. After washing his face and attempting futilely to tame his hair he slipped on boxers and sweat pants, with great effort. It really hurt to use his buttocks. He pondered putting on a shirt, but he knew he looked damned good without one. Smirking inside he launched Operation Evan.

Evan had been
awake
for a while. Quite a while. After his
 
disturbing dream during the nap he took on Saturday afternoon, he had essentially spent a boring Saturday evening and a sleepless night. He had ordered the restraints Hubbard insisted he have and
forwarded the receipt by email to the inspector. Most of the time he spent fighting not to go check on Jeremy. The rest of the time he did research on “sadism” and “masochism” trying to figure out what the hell might be wrong with him. He learned nothing comforting. He didn’t seem to match any of the categories described in the sadism web sites he found.

He
stumbled across the phrase “power exchange relationship” and found that, oddly, before slavery had
become legal again, there were some people
who
engaged in
consensual master/slave
r
elationships.
.
Apparently, there still were. He read the theory that pressured professionals needed a safe space to be able to just give over control to someone else to make all decisions and care for them. He mused that if somebody would benefit from that kind of thing,
he
should be the one in the slave role.

He looked up when Jeremy entered the kitchen and
smiled before he could stop himself.
God, the man is gorgeous, even limping with really bad bed head.
Jeremy grinned back at him.

“Did you leave any coffee?”

“
I just made a fresh pot. Marta left blueberry muffins on a plate in the microwave. She’s gone to the market now. I told
her we would need a big lunch.” 
I’m babbling.

*****

“Yeah. I just
realized that I didn’t eat at all yesterday. Probably a good
thing.That
head down position can’t be good
for
digestion.” Jeremy said, watching Evan closely to see if they could talk about this yet. A cloud of sorrow swept across Evan’s features.

J
eremy watched covertly as he poured coffee and got the muffins. He saw Evan rearrange his features to try to appear impassive.

Jeremy eyed the kitchen chairs dubiously. He doubted he could sit on a chair today without severe pain. Without giving it much thought, he knelt on the floor and started eating. Feeling Evan’s eyes on him he looked up. “What? I really don’t think I can sit down today.”

*****

Evan swallowed hard and felt his eyes heat up with tears he refused to shed. Unfortunately, the tears didn’t accept his authority and streamed down his face anyway.

Jeremy reached out and caressed Evan’s calf. “It’s over, Ev. We got through it. It’s just a little pain. In a couple of days, I’ll be fine.”

Evan’s face twisted. “Unless we have to do it again. God, Jeremy.” Evan put his head down on the kitchen table, fear roiling inside him.

“Look, Ev. This is a steep learning curve for both of us. We both learned some things yesterday that maybe we didn’t want to know. I found out that enough pain will break me down and make me lose control. You know, I always thought that some pain, especially non-lethal pain, non-damaging pain, wouldn’t ever make me come
undone like that. I was terribly wrong. But you know
…
even though you were hurting me like that, I never stopped trusting you. I knew you didn’t want to do it and that you would do just enough
…
what you had to do and no more. The least I could do would be take it for you. I knew you just wanted to pass the thing so we wouldn’t have to do it again.”

Evan sobbed. “
Jer
, don’t. Don’t try to put a good face on this. Don’t talk about it. I….I can’t even tell you how much I hate myself right now.”

“I don’t hate you; not even a little bit. You had to do it. No choice. Why would you hate yourself? Did you…did you get off on it or something?”

Evan stood so abruptly that his chair
crashed over and fled the room
.
Well, huh.
  Jeremy thought.

The two men avoided each other the rest of the day. Jeremy spent his time lying on his stomach on his bed, eating whatever Marta brought him, napping and trying not to miss Evan.

*****

Jeremy and Evan went to work the following day, exhausted, confused, and frustrated. Jeremy’s body still fought him at every turn and he had a lot of trouble finding a comfortable position, until he gave up, took off his jacket and tie and lay on his stomach in a nest of pillows and tried to work like that.

Evan
wouldn’t look at him or speak, except to make requests. Evan’s tone felt remote but cordial. He spoke to Jeremy in the same tone he might use to speak to a waiter in a restaurant. The ache in Jeremy’s heart once again rivaled the one in his backside as he pondered a way to break the ice between them before it got so thick it became impenetrable.

*****

Evan had felt worse before. He knew exactly when. The only time in his life that he had ever felt lower than he felt right now was when he successfully convinced Justin not to accept the extra pain medication the doctor offered to help him die. The offer didn’t come again and when Evan went to beg for it on Justin’s behalf, he found the physician gone
on vacation and his replacement too inexperienced to dare to comply.

So, Justin died
a terrible death due to Evan’s selfish
r
efusal to let go at the appropriate time.

Evan replayed Jeremy’s words to him
“I want you to own me.”
He remembered the sincerity the pure heat, and yes, love, burning in Jeremy’s eyes. Total honesty. Evan squirmed in his desk chair. He did have feelings for Je
remy. He had to admit that, if
only to himself.

Before Saturday morning, they had worked together and lived together smoothly, as a team. It felt right. Even with Jeremy’s increasing level of flirtatiousness, which now Evan had to admit he sort of enjoyed, they felt like….well, the way Justin and he had felt together. Grief and guilt rose up when that comparison entered his mind. Evan faced them and sternly backed them off. Why
should
he feel guilty for being alive? He tried to remember how Jeremy acted around him when they were still at Stanford. He had been too
wrapped up in Justin and his own course work and pressures to notice much, but it seemed that Jeremy
had
been around a lot, now that he thought about it.

Evan glanced at the connecting door, which Jeremy had closed this morning. Evan at least wanted the friendship back. He knew that the wall between them had been constructed solely by his behavior. He felt so confused. Checking the calendar he noted that he only had another two months to go before he was off probation as a Master and could feel a degree of safety from Slave Regulation. He needed to talk to somebody, before he talked to Jeremy.

Once he got close to Jeremy or saw that smile or looked into those eyes, he changed. He lost the thread of his own logic. He needed to talk this out with somebody else so that he could keep his mind clear and be sure his decisions weren’t made under the influence of his selfish wants and needs. He just didn’t know who he could trust.

T
ime passed as it always does and soon Evan began to anticipate getting a final report on the discipline inspection. Somehow it seemed everything hinged on whether or not they had passed. Evan knew that could be construed as completely irrational, but really, if he had to do that again, and he had gotten closer to
Jeremy in the meantime, he felt certain he couldn’t go through with it and he would lose him forever. He finally admitted to himself that he cared very deeply for Jeremy. More than as a friend. Jeremy could never know that.

A
bout the time Jeremy had healed enough to be able to sit up to work, instead of lying flat on his stomach, Jeff, who had noticed the closed door during his frequent visits to Evan’s office as well as Evan’s steady withdrawal behind his old icy walls, decided to talk to Jeremy. It wasn’t unusual for Jeff to speak with Jeremy on the phone
.
Evan had given Jeremy blanket permission to talk on the phone. When Jeff showed up at the office door, though, Jeremy felt unsure how to behave. He didn’t know how much Jeff knew about Evan’s ideas of their relationship. No personal slave would ever speak to another citizen face-to-face without express permission. Jeremy just pulled himself into formal kneeling posture and looked at the floor.

Knowing exactly what was going on in Jeremy’s head, Jeff came on through the office and rapped at the connecting door. Hearing no response he just opened the door and stuck his head in. He did however hear Jeremy suck in a surprised breath when he did it. Evan sat, head in hands, motionless behind his huge glass and metal desk. He didn’t look up until Jeff spoke and Jeff wondered at the relief in his eyes.

“Hey
,
James
…
I need to go over a spreadsheet face-to-face with Jeremy. Does he have permission to speak to me personally?”

Nonplussed, Evan just stared for a minute. “Why wouldn’t he?”

Jeff sighed and came into Evan’s office shutting the door gently behind him. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean? Nothing’s going on.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit, James. You were fucking walking on air a few weeks ago when you first got Jeremy and so was he. Now both of you are miserable and not talking. I see how determined Jeremy is to please you, so I’m thinking
…
all your fault.”

Evan flushed with anger. “It’s none of your business Burton.”

Jeff stared. “Evan…I’ve known you all your life. I know when you’re lying. Something big is bothering you. It’s affecting your work and Jeremy’s. I cut him some slack last week right after the discipline thing, but he’s feeling better….wait. I saw that look. Does this have something to do with the discipline test?”

“Are you leaving or do I have to call security?”

Evan’s eyes were like chips of glass. Jeff gaped at him. “What did you say?”

“I said: are you leaving or do I have to call security?”

“Evan, I’m trying to help here, son.”

Evan deflated just a little bit and chewed his bottom lip. Jeff had seen that out of Evan since he was a toddler. Evan felt guilty about something. Uninvited, Jeff walked over and sat down in one of the client chairs in front of Evan’s desk.

“Your mind is a scary place, Evan. You don’t need to be all alone in there. I know all your tells; you’re feeling guilty about something. Did something happen with Jeremy that made you feel like you were cheating on Justin again? I know this has to have something to do with Jeremy
. O
therwise you wouldn’t be holding him at arm’s length like this.”

“I can’t talk about it.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Leave it alone, Jeff.”

“It hurts, Evan. I mean, it really hurts to get you back and then lose you again, like this.”

Evan looked up at him, walls down for an instant and Jeff caught a glimpse of such depth of misery he suddenly wondered if Evan might be suicidal. Then the walls slammed back up and he was looking at what had been Evan’s default expression Before Jeremy
. A
smooth impassive emotionless mask.

Jeff got up and went behind the desk and crouched down next to Evan. “I saw that. And we both know it’s because you let me see it.”