The Virgin Master (48 page)

He
took a deep breath
as Jeremy pulled him to his feet
. The
expected searing pain from his neck down his spine ma
de
an appearance as soon as his full weight balanced on his feet. It seemed a little less today and Evan tried not to hope that one day it might disappear. It could be tolerated and even ignored with some light pain medication. He was alive; Jeremy was alive; he still controlled the company. Dr. Winchester had been elected new chairman of the board and he seemed sane and reasonable. Even sympathetic.  But the board wouldn’t care about Evan’s physical problems for long if he didn’t continue to produce.

Jeremy and Jeff had finalized three deals in the last month which kept the bottom line from looking too grim. Evan had six more weeks before the next meeting and he hoped to tear the throat out of at least two more targets, with Jeremy’s help. He snickered quietly inside. He couldn’t even take a bath alone, and he planned to take down two large companies. Well, he didn’t need physical strength for that
,
just intelligence and money. He had those in abundance.

As Jeremy rolled him down the hall to the offices, Evan, almost against his will, assessed other areas of his lack of improvement. He sighed as he wondered if he would ever have a personal life
again that didn’t revolve around doctor’s appointments and pain medication.

*****

Jeremy thought that Evan pushed himself too hard. Jeremy watched Evan sleeping nearly every night, because he was afraid to go to sleep. When he did happen to slip away, nightmare images of Evan falling to the floor woke him in a panic. When he didn’t dream about Evan’s death, he relieved the rape in the detention center or at the slave auction. He tried sleeping pills but found they trapped him in the nightmares
preventing him from waking up
. But when he finally battled free from the images that plagued him in his sleep, there was Evan; alive, beautiful, peaceful
,
and his; but untouchable and unreachable.

He ached to hold Evan in his arms or to be held. While Evan hadn’t really discussed the matter with him, Jeremy had guessed that Evan was afraid he wouldn’t be able to perform and didn’t want to know for sure. Jeremy didn’t care
. H
e just wanted
something.
His skin starved to touch Evan’s skin
. H
e longed for the easy physical intimacy they had before. He wanted Evan to go to sleep on the couc
h with his head in Jeremy’s lap. H
e wanted to hold hands and rest his head on Evan’s shoulder. He wanted to wash Evan’s hair. Even if they could never make love again
,
he yearned for
Evan’s
, for all the things that came with it over and above the sexual component; love, safety, home, acceptance.

*****

Evan knew Jeremy couldn’t sleep. He had watched his lover writhe in the grip of nightmares and thought that Jeremy feared physical intimacy due to the memories any such attempt would invoke
.
Evan knew he needed to try, but because the first time he had tried to get an erection he had failed, he was afraid. As long as he didn’t put himself in that situation, he didn’t have to know for sure.

He drearily felt certain that he was permanently damaged because he never woke up with an erection anymore. He had done enough research to know that the lack of morning wood wasn’t an encouraging sign.  Dr. Wilson told him that after spinal cord trauma
,
erectile dysfunction could sometimes linger as a residual
side effect; one that nearly always cleared up with time. That didn’t mean he didn’t think about it. He didn’t want to force Jeremy to relive horrible memories. He had to wait until Jeremy was ready. Even if he never was.

Months passed. Evan got out of the wheelchair, and walked without a cane simply ignoring the pain in his back, which had continued to decrease for a time and now seemed to have reached a base level that was just this side of unbearable. He and Jeremy had settled into a routine that involved minimal touching. Evan thought he might be losing his mind. He couldn’t stop thinking about Jeremy, but he had no sexual desire, as such. But he continued to slowly improve. After he had been back to work for months, he decided that he had to find out if there could still be something between them, but he couldn’t seem to figure out how to make the first move.

Evan felt either anxiety or near desperate longing when he looked at Jeremy now.
It seems that Frank succeeded in taking him away from me, after all
Evan mused bitterly. He had regained his strength and full range of motion through his neck and upper back. His back never hurt anymore except when he spent too long sitting at his desk. He occasionally got a sharp twinge in his neck, but the pain left as quickly as it came and he knew which sudden movements to avoid to keep the pain under control. He looked good, he moved as well as he ever did and he had returned to his full work- out regimen at the gym.

Jeremy’s physical injuries had fully healed and he also did a full work-out now. Where before, Evan had watched the play of Jeremy’s muscles with avid interest and Jeremy sneaked peeks at Evan’s body in action—now they behaved as if they were strangers. Jeremy didn’t want arousal that led to flash-backs or rejection and Evan didn’t want to find out if his dysfunction might be permanent. They worked in the office, they worked out,
and they
ate dinner and
then
went to bed. Grimly. Going through the motions of having a life.

Evan did not return to the robotic demeanor that had become a default setting for him while grieving for Justin. He just seemed sad. The staff continuously brought him baked goods and tried to involve him in office parties or drinks after work. He tried
,
but
they could tell they weren’t reaching him. Jeremy began working with Tom to try to get some scar revision for the wide purple and red scar on his throat. Plastic surgeons couldn’t treat slaves, but Tom had a good friend who offered to scrub in and talk Tom through minimizing the scar on Jeremy’s neck. Jeremy couldn’t look in the mirror without being reminded of Boris, the rapes, and the stand -off with the FBI.

Apparently Tom had natural aptitude for plastic surgery because the result completely removed all trace of the injury. The thighs were a different matter. After two procedures the remaining marks weren’t quite so readily identifiable as bullet wounds, but there were still two stubborn patches of scar tissue on the front and back of each thigh.

*****

One Sunday morning, nearly five months after Evan had been declared fully recovered by Dr. Wilson, Jeremy couldn’t stand it anymore. He needed Evan to try.
Evan
needed to try. He certainly wanted to try. He needed and wanted their relationship back. There were no physical reasons why that couldn’t happen. He was healed
.
Evan was healed. They were putting up their own roadblocks to finding their way back to one another. That had to stop.

Jeremy got out of bed and stripped out of the boxers and t-shirt he had begun wearing to sleep since it became obvious that sleep would be the only thing happening in their bed. He examined his body in the mirror. Except for the two very small dimpled scars in his thighs, he still looked the same. If you discounted the haunted look in his eyes and the fact that he had lost weight. He turned to look at Evan who had curled up in a fetal position as far on his side of the bed as he could get without falling out. Jeremy sighed. He slid back into bed and deliberately tried to replay how it felt to kiss and touch Evan, determinedly pushing through negative thoughts and images and focusing
only
on how Evan smelled; how he tasted; how it felt to have him moving inside him. How it felt to love him.

Jeremy had been blocking all of his emotions in an effort to keep the negative feelings and thoughts at bay. He remembered what Evan had told him about grieving for Justin. Eventually, feelings
have to be acknowledged and gotten through before any improvement could be realized. He had never really dealt with the assault on Evan and the fear of being left adrift in life without hope. He suddenly realized that he had withdrawn his emotional support from Evan and Evan just let him because of his own fears and insecurities. They had become two strangers who shared a living space.

Jeremy reached out and pulled Evan’s body flush to his own; wrapping him up the way they used to sleep together. Evan didn’t protest although he woke slightly. To Jeremy’s surprised delight, he moaned slightly and pressed back into Jeremy’s body snuggling into the larger man’s warmth. Tears pricked Jeremy’s eyes as he cuddled Evan in his arms and nuzzled his neck gently at the top of the long scar bisecting Evan’s spine from nape to waist. He started with almost imperceptible kisses and rubbing his face gently along the back of Evan’s head. He could tell the second Evan actually woke up as every muscle in his body tensed
,
poised for flight. Jeremy gently tightened his hold on his lover and kissed the shell of his ear. Rubbing little circles on Evan’s chest, Jeremy continued to kiss and nuzzle along the back of Evan’s neck and his shoulder.

Gradually, Evan relaxed back into Jeremy’s body. Jeremy drew back and rolled Evan over to face him. Evan’s eyes were full of fear and shame and Jeremy kissed them and rubbed his chin along Evan’s cheekbone.

*****

Evan shut his eyes and tried to concentrate on how relaxed and warm Jeremy made him feel. How safe. He hadn’t felt safe in a long time. He noticed at that point that Jeremy had stripped
. He felt
the smooth expanse of skin down Jeremy’s side and hip sooth
ing
him and he continued almost petting Jeremy for the sheer sensation of touching his warm skin. Without thinking about what he was doing, Evan began gently kissing Jeremy’s collarbone and throat. Jeremy tilted his head back to give him better access and Evan lost himself in licking, and nibbling Evan’s neck.

Finally, Jeremy leaned in and kissed Evan on the mouth, almost chastely; warmly, gently cradling Evan’s face in his enormous hands. Evan chased the kiss when he tried to draw away, so
Jeremy pressed the advantage, sucking Evan’s plush lower lip teasingly and very softly, touching with his tongue but not pressing for entry, tasting Evan’s mouth.

Evan felt his breath coming a little quicker and he gained confidence in his ability to respond. He initiated the next kiss and pushed his tongue into Jeremy’s willing mouth, floating on the wet, smooth, silk inside. Kissing had always been better with Jeremy than with anybody else Evan had ever known; they fell back into it effortlessly and Evan heard himself moan and whine when Jeremy pulled away to strip Evan of his t-shirt. Evan felt his cock twitch and a rush of relief made him cry out softly.

Jeremy pulled him close so that they touched from shoulder to knee and hooked his head over Evan’s shoulder to hold him in place. Evan squirmed closer and felt Jeremy’s arousal firm against his hip bone. Dizzying hope sent a near orgasmic surge of pleasure through his body. He wrapped one leg around Jeremy’s waist and pulled him closer, pushing up and grinding against Jeremy’s erection, drawing a low groan and a gasp out of his slave. He felt himself hardening and aching and nearly came immediately just from the realization that maybe everything still worked.

Jeremy pulled at his boxers and Evan unwound his leg and pulled them down and kicked them out of bed as quickly as he could, not wanting to break contact with Jeremy for even the seconds required to finish removing his clothing. Emotions broke through that he had valiantly restrained for months. Tears flooded his eyes as he took Jeremy’s mouth in a desperate kiss—returned with equal fervor.

“Evan?”

“Can you?”

“Yes…please…want you so much….want
us
so much…”

Evan flailed at the nightstand, managing to pull the drawer completely out and drop it in the floor. Whining with frustration he hung half off the bed, forgetting that he had been injured, and found the lube. Holding it triumphantly he smiled at Jeremy. It had
been so long since he had smiled that it felt alien, and then suddenly right.

Jeremy grabbed the lube and spread it on Evan’s fingers, impatiently lying back, hips already up on a pillow. He pulled Evan’s hand to his puckered orifice and together they spread the cold slippery goo over his opening and inside. Jeremy continued to kiss Evan breathless while Evan to prepared him. After two fingers, Jeremy had enough.

“Do it now, please.”