The Wall (The Woodlands) (29 page)

My head felt crackly, sounds were sharp and then descended into buzzing. I kept my eyes closed and tried to focus on one thing at a time.
Lifting my arm. It felt heavy and clumsy, not my own. Turning my head. That proved more difficult. I could do it but the pain was intense, like there was something jammed in my skull and when I moved it, the object wiggled and grazed my brain.

Then the reason why I felt this way came back to me in a giant and solid assault on my memory. Cal.
That bastard. Anger filled me from my toes to the top of my aching head, like hot oil boiling in my blood; it sizzled and popped its way up my body until I could no longer keep my eyes shut.

They pinged open
, harsh, white light trying to force them ajar, and the first thing I said was, “I’m going back to get my mother.”

Joseph
’s head was dipped and he had his hands folded across his knees like he had been or was about to be sick. And when I spoke, his eyes lifted. They took my face in, and then my words, so his expression went from relief to surprise and then confusion, all in one shutter speeding display. As his face returned to a more calm façade, I could see myself reflected in his eyes. They said more than he could. I looked awful.

I blinked uncomfortably and ran my hands over my lips. Everything felt dry and alive.

Joseph took my good arm carefully, the one that wasn’t encased in plaster, and held it between his own. “It is all right. You were attacked. You’re in the hospital now. You’re safe. Orry’s safe.”

“
I know where I am,” I snapped, although the effect was muted, my voice felt like it hadn’t been used in months. “Water, please,” I said more kindly. This couldn’t be easy for him. And I tried hard to remember that but things kept slipping as the knock-knocking in my head started to drown out my thoughts.

I took a sip, slowly, the water sliding down my throat like paint. Trying not to turn my head, I noted
the bag attached to my arm, the circle of empty chairs. I took in the normal, easy-to-process things in an attempt to calm my nerves but it didn’t help. I dragged my elbows up to sit but I was dizzy, weak. Anger was all I could feel because to me, it was like I had been on the floor one minute and was now awake and looking for the culprit.

I started ranting. Not really making sense to start with.

“Damn boy, thought he was harmless. I was wrong, Joseph, and then I was waiting for you and I saw him peeking in the window, no that happened before, anyway, I caught him and he got mad. I’m sorry. I tried to talk my way out of it but he was so angry. He was too strong and all I thought about was Orry. I had to protect him. I tried to run but he was too fast…”

Joseph
nodded his head along, grabbing at the words and trying to follow, but he was confused. So was I. I slumped further into my pillow, panting. He smoothed my hair back from my face, careful to avoid the gash in my left temple. “Sh. It’s all right. Who? Who did this to you?” He was trying to sound calm, but I could hear the wound-up fury behind it.

“
Cal,” I said as an admission. Like it was my fault and somehow I should have been able to stop it from happening.

Everything in him tensed at once. And for a moment
, I feared him. Joseph stood suddenly, pushing his chair back and sending it screeching across the linoleum floor. The metal back clanged as it fell to the floor, echoing in the emptiness of the room. He stomped out without looking back, both hands pushing the double doors open with a massive thud.

I wanted to get up but I couldn
’t. I tugged helplessly at my drips and wires but my energy was entirely sapped. I screamed but my voice wouldn’t carry.
Where was he going? Did he blame me?

I could hear yelling.
Just Joseph, because whoever he was shouting at was responding quietly.

“
Did you know? Where is he? WHERE IS HE?”

Oh no.

Feet shuffled across the floor and I saw my family. They were carrying steaming cups in their hands, looking at me, and then lifting their eyes to the noise behind the doors. They all had different shades of relief and death on their faces.

“
Deshi, stop him. He’s gone after Cal,” I said hoarsely, coughing on the back of my hand.

Deshi understood but he seemed reluctant to interfere
, his dark eyes running over me. I found myself curling up. “If he’s the one that did this to you, then maybe I should let Joseph tear him apart.”

I searched their eyes. They were all similarly resolved. What did I look like to them?
A tiny girl, beaten, unable to fight for herself. That was not me.

“
Addy, Addy. Please. You know this won’t help anything.” She nodded but she didn’t move either.

I tried to pull myself up again, pulling at my IV. If no one would
listen, I would go after him myself. But everything felt wrong. My body wouldn’t respond the way I needed it to. Deshi put his hand over the needle I was trying to scratch out of my elbow joint, looking away when blood welled at the entry point.

“
All right, I’ll go. You’re so stubborn,” he said. But he said it with love. He jogged through the doors and stopped to talk to a nurse, who pointed him down the hall. I prayed he would catch up with Joseph before he found Cal.

Addy
toddled over and pulled a hand-knitted blanket over my legs. I would have kicked it off but I felt so unreasonably cold. She did it lovingly, patting my calf. “You need to rest, dear. Stop getting so worked up.”

“
I’m fine,” I said, lying. I held out my good arm. “Can I have my son please?”

Apella, who looked like she was a second away from bursting into
tears, handed him to me. He cried and threw his head around, looking for food. One handedly, I tried to loosen my gown so I could feed him. Apella put her hand up to stop me.

“
You can’t, Rosa. I’m sorry. The drugs they gave you for the pain means you can’t feed him.”

My hand fell from my gown like a dead branch, brittle and useless.
Something burst inside me. “What?” I whispered. This was unexpected. I thought I would be happy to stop feeding him, but this felt like it was too soon, like I’d been robbed of a bond with him. Or at least robbed of the choice of whether I wanted to stop or not. Apella held up a bottle and it nearly broke my heart. Things had been battle for us from the start. Feeding him had been the first thing that brought us together. Now that was gone. I shook my head sadly. “I can’t,” I whispered. Addy scooped Orry out from beneath my weak arm and Apella passed her the bottle. My heart took a sudden punch as I watched him eagerly take the teat and drink.

I couldn
’t even cry. I flopped down on the bed and regretted the sudden motion. I turned my head and Apella was quick enough to get the bowl under me before I vomited nothing. My stomach was empty. My head was empty too but for the pain and the one sentence that floated around and banged against the inside of my skull. “I want to go back and get my mother,” I said again.

Apella looked surprised but she covered it
with a concerned look. Her hair was pulled back and I noticed her ears were tiny, tiny white shells, perfect and delicate. I focused on that as I watched her small mouth deliver words I would ignore. “Sometimes when someone has a head injury, they can get stuck on one idea. I think you’ll change your mind about going back.”

I touched my own head, my ears were normal, but dark and and…
my hair, where was half my hair? I patted down my head, awkwardly clunking myself with my cast.

“
They shaved it so they could stitch your wound up neatly,” Alexei said, wincing. Sure enough, as I danced my finger lightly over my head, a seam of neat stitches formed a crescent just behind my ear. I let my lips quiver.

“
Oh no,” I said, full of self-pity. “I look like a baseball.”

Addy mouth twitched
. “More like Frankenstein’s monster, dear.” I didn’t know who that was but I could tell the comment was not complimentary. My mouth was already pulled down so I left it there.

Matthew walked in, a fresh bruise appearing under his right eye. His shirt was un-tucked and some of the buttons were missing. He looked guilty as anything.

“Where’s Joseph?” I asked

“
He’s calming down in another room. Deshi is with him.”

“
Did he…?” I’m not sure if I wanted to hear that Joseph had beaten Cal to a bloody pulp or not. Matthew shook his head.

“
Rosa, can I talk to you alone, please?” His eyes were creased from sleep; he looked disheveled, like he’d napped sitting in one of those metal chairs. Even if he had slept, it hadn’t helped him. He was a ragdoll version of himself.

I considered his request.
After all the lies I’d been told, the secrets that had been kept from me, I didn’t feel like doing it anymore.

“
No. If you want to tell me something, or ask me something, just do it.” I watched Orry sitting in Addy’s lap. He faced me and smiled that toothless, gummy smile that was more recognition than happiness. Like my face alone was enough for him. I was so glad he didn’t know what was going on right now. He happily played with Addy’s dried-up fingers, turned her rings around, and tried to suck on her pinky.

“
Ok, well, the first thing I need to ask you is what exactly happened? Did Cal… force himself on you?”

I felt my face going red. But I had asked for this
to be a public event. “If you mean did he… rape me? Then no. But the rest of this handiwork,” I drew an imaginary circle around myself in the air, “was Cal.”

Everyone seemed to collectively sigh with relief. I didn
’t say anything else. Because I knew, without a doubt, that if I hadn’t stopped him, he would have. I also knew like someone knows eerily when they are about to fall or drop something that he would have killed me and maybe Orry too. I let my lids fall, closing out the concerned faces, the way they looked at me, waiting to hear the things I couldn’t say. In the darkness, all I could see was his murderous eyes swirling in front of me. I shivered and Addy instinctively pulled the blanket up further over my shaking body. I clenched my teeth, my mouth closed. I told myself to pull it together. Matthew was looking at me with sad eyes, a nervous tremor running through his fingers as he checked my wounds. I heard Apella gasp as he got me to turn around so he could look at the bruises on my back and was thankful I couldn’t see them. When he’d finished, Matthew sat down in the chair and clasped both hands together like he was praying, or trying to muster up some courage to tell us what was on his mind. I kind of wish he hadn’t said a word.

It would have been easier to hate Cal if I didn
’t know the truth. If I didn’t know that he was dying, had lasted longer than he should have, that he wasn’t really himself. All of that. It was information that made me feel something for him and I didn’t want to feel anything. As for Matthew, the way I saw him would be forever changed. Yes, I would much rather not have known.

This ob
session with babies, with perpetuating the human race, it’s stupid. Maybe we should have forsaken it. Lived out our lives and let it end there. We would end there. I’m pretty sure the world would have been better off. But then I think of Orry and I can’t breathe. The conflict I feel teases at the seams that hold me together until I am slowly tearing apart, each stitch popping and breaking. Because if we let it end there, he would be alone. We would all be dead and he would be alone.

Maybe that
’s why it never ends.

Matthew had been silent for about
five minutes, which was about all I could stand.

“
What is it?” I asked, watching his hands that were gently clasped to start with, wringing each other out like he was trying to dislocate his fingers.

“
I am so sorry, Rosa. This is all my fault.” He looked up at me and the agony on his face showed that he truly believed it. I didn’t.

“
How can it possibly be your fault? Unless you forced him to do it, it can’t be.” Matthew was a good man. He couldn’t have done this.

“
I didn’t but I may as well have.”

“
What?” I didn’t understand, and looking around the room, the rest of them were as clueless as I was.