The Wall (The Woodlands) (32 page)

“
You came!” Cal’s face was alight with pleasure. He spoke like a child who had received a gift. His broad grin and pushed-up cheeks were too cheery to look at. They burned me with their brightness. He really was sick.

I stood in the doorway, leaning away, leaning back like there was a solid bubble surrounding him that I dare not penetrate.
What was I doing?

I thought I could do it but the minute I saw his
face, the violence of my thoughts frightened me. I wanted to smash the happy expression from his lips. Pull his head back by his disgusting, greasy curls and slam it against the metal bed frame until there was nothing left to hold onto.

I
stayed frozen in the doorway, my hands shaking with their need to hurt him.

Cal looked at me with innocent eyes, all the menace gone, sucked out through a
tumor whirlpool. But I didn’t care. I couldn’t. My sympathy was lost to him the moment he stepped into my home that night. Some things can never be undone.

I was shaking so hard I had to hold out my hand and steady myself on the doorframe. I felt like the whole building was shaking under
my will, leering and shuddering, bits of the wall peeling off and littering the ground.

“
I’m sorry. I… I can’t,” I managed to stammer. This was such a bad idea.

I though
t I’d been handling it well up until then. That I could magically say ‘I’m fine,’ and it would be so. That focusing on something else would make me ok. No. I had to make a painfully conscious decision to be ok. That I would not let it change me. And I had to know that maybe it would change me anyway. For that reason, I could never lay eyes on Cal again.

I walked backwards out of the door and
stumbled down the hallway, uncoordinatedly. Matthew caught up with me and grabbed my shoulders to slow me down before I fell over. I turned to face him, ready to yell at him, say something clever and sarcastic, but all that came out of my mouth was a tortured slip of a cry. I slumped down on the ground and hugged my knees. I let Matthew hold me and I poured out every last tear I had. I watched them fall and splash onto the rubber toes of his sneakers as I buried my head in his chest and soaked his shirt. And whether it was possible to make such a decision, I was determined right then that those were the last tears I would shed over this situation.

“
I hate you,” I said, my lips squashed against one of his shirt buttons.

“
That’s ok,” he replied. “Addy told me to let you hate me.”

I thought
,
If that’s true, then stop making it so hard to do so.

When I
returned to my room, Joseph had come looking for me. He was sitting in one of the metal chairs, all his bravado and cheek succumbing to nervousness. I’d taken my time getting ready, splashing water over my face and dressing slowly, selecting jeans, a low-cut shirt, and a jacket. All they had were sneakers and that was fine with me. If there were a Survivor uniform, it was those canvas sneakers. I ran my finger across my chest, pressing my charm between my thumb and forefinger, feeling a strange reassurance in the dull metal.

I still felt wobbly
, and I wasn’t sure I was up to whatever Joseph had planned, but I desperately wanted to get out of here. Hospitals, hospital beds, the foreign beeping and dripping that never seemed to die out, were beating down my brain. I needed fresh air.

Joseph
stood clumsily when I entered. The chair came with him, clinging to his extra wideness with a pack on. When it clattered to the floor, he blushed uncharacteristically and the nurse rolled her eyes at both of us.

I’d tried my best to cover my hair and dress nicely. I’d tried my best not to think about the night I’d dressed for our date the first time. The date that never happened.

“
Wow!” he said.

I carefully checked my hat. Was it not covering the bald patch well enough?

“You look beautiful,” Joseph said.

“
I bet,” I said, “next you’ll say being half-bald suits me.”

He chuckled
. “There isn’t much that doesn’t suit you, darling.”

Darling.
Black scratches hung in the air like a claw had torn through time. I hunched my shoulders, feeling the memories trying to push their way into my head.

“
What’s wrong?” he asked, his tone belying his surety.

“
I’m fine,” I said, changing the subject. “Where are we going?”

“
It’s a surprise. Now close your eyes. Deshi’s waiting outside so you can say goodbye to Orry.”

“
No way!”

“
Please?”

I closed my eyes, frowning
with my arms folded across my chest. “How am I supposed to walk like this? I’ll walk into a wall.”

H
is strong arms scooped me up and pulled me close to his chest. “Never expected you to walk,” he said.

I relaxed. Even if this was all there was
, it was plenty.

Joseph kicked open the doors and stepped quickly outside before they shut on him.
The temperature dropped as soon as we were outside. The air was cool but the sun was out and it warmed my skin. I had lost track of time in the soundless, temperature-controlled hospital room. Was it afternoon? I could hear people moving and talking around us, footsteps on the asphalt, the metallic hum of the spinners as they coasted down the street. Deshi lifted Orry’s face to mine and I kissed him. He slobbered on my nose.

“
I’ll just take him back to your house and wait for you there,” Deshi said.

Joseph thanked him and we continued on. I felt ridiculous but
he made me promise to keep my eyes closed.

It was a
curious feeling, heightening my other senses. I could eavesdrop on other conversations around me. I heard someone talking about mobilization of Woodland forces but then we moved out of earshot. I tried to follow the words but all I caught was ‘… weeks… late snow’.

Joseph started talking and I got lost in the vibration of his voice in his chest and his warm
breath, which smelled like fresh bread and toothpaste, on my face.

He talked about plans
, how spring was coming. He asked me what I was going to do with the garden. It was an odd conversation, too normal. I wasn’t sure we got to have normal. Vegetable gardens and furniture-making seemed further away from me now. It was something I had craved but now I focused on the present. Anything else was not manageable.

I sensed
we were heading downhill.

He
stopped suddenly and I thought we were at our destination but then he changed direction and kept walking.

It started to
cool slightly, and the light against my eyelids was softer. Joseph’s footfalls were softer too, hitting dirt now instead of asphalt. I could smell damp, sodden earth and pine. And fire. I smiled, the plan coming together in my mind.

“
We’re here. You can open your eyes,” Joseph said. He wasn’t out of breath in the slightest. His tone even, his breath steady. How did he manage it? I marveled at his strength.

I opened
my eyes to a circle of pine trees.

Joseph leaned down and pressed his fore
head to mine. “I hope this is all right. I wanted to bring you back, show you…” His voice was a rumble; it shook my chest, my heart, delightfully, like the words were in me.

I cut him off,
“It’s perfect, thank you.” The light was filtering through the pine needles, creating sharp, crisscross shadows on the forest floor. The woods looked more like I remembered. The snow had indeed receded. There were a few icy patches but spring was slowly announcing itself.

Joseph
lowered me to my feet gently but never took his hand off me. And unfortunately, I needed steadying. My head was still sore and my arm made everything awkward. I knelt down and held my palms to the small fire. It radiated warmth that seemed to reach out and engulf us both. I was glowing.

We sat together and I nudged hi
m with my shoulder. Memories flooded through me and around me, some flying like open-mouthed ghosts swirling in a circle and some living in me, breathing with my every breath. He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me even closer. I looked up and watched the fire dance in his beautiful eyes. The trees leaned in to hear us, to hide us from the outside. We were part of this landscape.

“
Rosa, I love you.” His earnest expression broke my heart but in a good way.

I nodded. My eyes wet.
Love. The words were easy. What I felt was beyond that, and I didn’t know how to say so.

“
Do you think we’ll make it?” I said casually.

“
What do you mean?” he asked, his eyes wide. “I think we have some challenges ahead of us. The Woodland soldiers are coming, but I think the Survivors have a plan. I don’t think we will be caught out like we were at the mounds.”

That
’s not what I meant, but his words were heavy. I’d been so caught up in my own problems, I’d forgotten about the threats looming over the whole community. There were big issues we needed to face. The Woodland threat was like an infiltrative disease. It was creeping its deadly shadow slowly across the landscape and soon it would reach us. I imagined dark, pointed fingers impaling the fleeing people.
Did they really understand what they were up against?

I took Joseph
’s hand and traced over his knuckles one by one. I heard him sigh.

“
What’s the matter?” I asked.

“
Nothing. Nothing’s the matter. I’m just so glad this hasn’t changed. I was so scared that things would be different between us, after… but they’re not.”

I kissed his hand and stared into the fire. It was si
mple in there, in the flames. All or nothing. Consume or be consumed. Was I changed? Not in that way at least. I loved him the same. No, I loved him more. Always more. The rest? I didn’t know what it had done to me yet.

“
Tell me more about what’s happening in the Woodlands,” I said.

Joseph
rested his head on the top of mine and paused. Then he pulled the backpack towards him. From it, he produced some food and spread it out on a blanket. He filled a pan with water and set it on the coals. “You should eat,” he said in his doctorly tone.

I took some bread and smeared jam on it. Finding his
eyes, I urged him to tell me more but he seemed hesitant.

“
What is it?”

“
Don’t jump at this,” he said carefully, “but they’re going to the Woodlands in a couple of weeks.”

“
What, why?” I said, barely able to keep the desperate tone from my voice.

“
They’re retrieving the Spiders,” he said.

We ate in silence for
a while. I knew he was watching me, trying to peer into my brain and see what I was thinking. And what was I thinking? Exactly what he feared… If they were going back, then this was my chance. My toes were tapping in agitation.

But
before I could form a plan in my head, Joseph swept it away. He didn’t ask me what I was planning to do. He didn’t make me promise not to go. He just put his hands on both my shoulders and squared them so I was facing him directly. He stood and I stood with him, his arms directing me like a wooden puppet. His mouth was flat but his eyes were dancing, the green flourishing, the gold flecks sparkling like fireworks and drawing me in. He moved me gently but deliberately so that my back was against a tree and then he sunk his mouth into my neck and crept his lips up to my ear.

I
found myself fighting him, because he was making it take too long. I wanted his mouth, the taste of it on my own. He finally found me and I was awash in him, in the golden bands that bound us and held us to each other. Wherever my train of thought was heading, I missed it. It was gone and, in that moment, I couldn’t have cared less.