The Way Home (Lights of Peril Book 2) (4 page)

I stare at him
because I know he’s getting ready to unload what he’s been holding for quite a while. I’m giving him his chance and again, I’m all ears for story time.

“
While you’ve been busy getting over your shit, I’ve had to deal with her ass
all the time
. She’s a handful part time, but hell, I know she’s missing you ‘cause I sure as shit don't listen to her ridiculous girl talk. My woman thinks I give two shits about the color of our new curtains? I’m all man, Sadey, and hell no, we do not give a rat’s ass about fuckin’ maroon, red, or magenta curtains.”

He’s flustered.
He runs his hand through his hair and his bicep flexes. Big man with a big heart sits in front of me and he’s flustered, all because of his little woman.

“
Don’t even get me started on how she constantly asks my opinion about Ryder’s new jeans she bought on sale or how we should keep his hair cut after he’s born. Sadey, do I seriously need to take my time and point out to her that he won’t even have hair for a long fuckin’ time? Even if he does, am I interested in how it’s cut? Can you appreciate with me the fact that if I don’t notice when she gives him a ‘trim’, she’s going to have my ass in a sling?”

Oh my God, my poor friend has been drowning in Mace Cash all by himself
, no life raft in sight.

“Fuck, m
y boy isn’t even here, yet. Do you really think he’s going to be upset that he’s wearing yellow giraffes home from the hospital even though his
pressed
blue and white sailboat pants are hanging in the closet? Shit, she’s driving me fuckin’ crazy. What’s worse, she has no clue she’s acting like a damn loon. She thinks this is all normal for new mothers. Sadey, I’ve met a lot of new mothers and believe me when I tell you, this is not normal. This is just Mace. Shit.”

Now I am
giggling at Shame so loud, I don’t even recognize the sound of my own laugh. Shame only cuts his hair when it grows long enough for a pony tail. He doesn’t like that type of look on himself, not even when we were growing up. Other than my wedding, I don’t think he’s ever worn something that would need pressed. He is out of his element with Mace and her mothering.

“
Well, while we are getting things off our chests, I want to add to that. She’s been a witch, Shame. Un-bear-able. Every single day I hear the same lecture about moving on, finding someone else to love, and life goes on ... yadda yadda yadda. I’ve been thinking about bringing home Gerald, the sixty two year old mail sorter from the post office, just to turn her mouth off.”

He laughs out loud
now and starts to get off the bed, but not before kissing the crown of my head and giving me a quick squeeze around my shoulders. He walks to my bedroom door, turns around, and leans against it while studying me as he sighs.

“
Your boy is still napping. He went down about thirty minutes before you walked in. I’m goin’ home to get at my woman. I’m going to remind her that I’m the man in the relationship and then I’m going to send her here to you so she can get a look at you and see you’re alright after our talk. She’s either going to be really pissed
at me
or really satisfied
because
of me
. That alright with you? You’re okay to be here right now, alone?”

“Where’s April?”
I hadn’t even thought about what he did with my actual babysitter, the one I hired to stay and watch my son.

“Sent her packin’
when Mace texted me that you two were going to lunch. Figured the way you ladies yap, it would be a while. Since I wasn’t sure how long you were going to be or how able Kegs was to watch Patrick alone for that long, I sent her home. He’s Hem’s boy and that makes him a fuckin’ genetic handful. I used to think it was comical when you would curse and call Hem a caveman, but seriously, Sadey, you got a little Hem coming at you in a few short years. Wouldn’t hurt to start calling him CJ now, for short.”

Not catching
on, I look at him like he can’t spell. Patrick’s middle name is Neil, initials being P.N., so who the hell is ‘CJ?’

“Caveman Junior, Sade.
I see your wheels turning. Let me help you out, ‘cause fuck, it’s painful to watch.”

I throw one of Patrick’s feeding blankets at him
. Of course, it doesn’t come close to him as he stands there laughing at me.

“
Shut up, Shame. You can act as badass as you want, but it’s not true. You’re such a softy. Big Shame, badass biker, is a softy. Thanks for watching my boy. Thanks more for the talk. Glad we got so much cleared up. I need to get my shit together. You never had eyes for me, Mace is going to get her ass made pink in a little while, oh, and you’re making fun of a two month old little boy because he’s a genetic mess.”

It must not have clicked in Shame
’s mind that when he used the reference ‘yap’” in regards to how Mace and I communicate, it meant we ‘yap’ about him too. His face went straight when I said ‘pink’ in regards to Mace’s ass. Yeah, buddy, I know all about what you like. 

Once he processes that Mace and I share vivid details about him in that capacity, he gives me a tooth filled grin.
God, I love this man’s smile, so rare, but when he lights it up, it brightens everything, making it feel possible for me to find my way around in the darkness that has surrounded me for way too long.

“See ya,
sweetheart.” He turns around and he’s already halfway down the hall before my brain processed something that I wanted to ask him before our little heart to heart, ‘bring Sadey back among the living,’ talk. I take my first step into
my
many tomorrows and run to stop him.

“
Shame,
wait
.”

I dart off the bed and jog to him
just as he reaches the living room. He turns to me on a grin, he wants to laugh, but he’s controlling it. Damn people, I’ve been upset,
not
incapacitated. I know he’s chuckling because I probably haven’t moved that fast in months. Asshole.

“Mace told me you talked to Ace and…”

Whoa, that changed his mood. “No, buddy. Not today, no way. We can talk soon, but not today. You think about what I said. You get better, for all of us. We are counting on you now. You told me you were going to get your shit together. You let me know what you need to do and know I’m here, okay? Never too busy for you, but you fuckin’ do it, and please, if you can, for me, do it before Ryder gets here. I want my gorgeous, sex craved, and cock lovin’ woman back. These hormones are transferring to me and it’s fuckin’ me up.”

He doesn’t say any more, he just turns
, walks away out my front door, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

He’s right.
I know this. Still … I wanna know how Ace is really doing.

“Only I have no luck any more. But who knows? Maybe today. Every day is a new day. It is better to be lucky. But I would rather be exact. Then when luck comes you are ready.”

-Ernest Hemingway

The last two days I have taken time to think about how to move past all this and start living again. So I started to reflect on all the positive influences I have in my life and relish every gift I’ve been given.

Mace.
The woman has a tendency to be too much of a ‘Mama Bear’. Shame was right, she has been pushing me so hard that I did everything I could think of to block her out and shut her down, leaving me to wallow in my own self-pity. At times, I was only civil to her, at best. She’s my person and I treated her like a stranger without a second thought of her own suffering. All I had done is ignore her hurt and cause her more anxiety. She’d not been able to enjoy her pregnancy as every woman has a right to.

Although Patrick is young, I’m most
sorry for how my actions have affected him. I haven’t been the best mother. I haven’t enjoyed every moment of his two months. When things were dark and I recognized too much of Hem in him, I would only love him enough to get him by. This feeling of regret with Patrick is enough to push me through this. It has to be. I’m determined to be a better mom. I smile for a second because I know Hem would most likely threaten to spank my ass right now for all the mess I’ve caused.

I need to thank God above
, personally, for Shame. He put his life with Mace and his own family on the line to save Hem that night. He’s watched me drown in my own sorrow for months and trusted me to come through it. He gave me the benefit of doubt that I would make it and only when he had enough did he come to me and give me his good. I can’t repay him and I certainly don’t feel I merit his friendship.

April has been heaven sent in her own way.
She’s been the one constant in Patrick’s young life, someone who would spend time with him when he didn’t have my full attention. April and Honor are making a go of their relationship and I know I’ve strained it. She’s a good person and I’ve taken advantage of her without as much as a ‘Thank you.’

It’s time to say goodbye to Hem.
Memories of him will be with me, always. I know I will be his ‘Sadey Girl’ the rest of
my
life. No one will replace him, but the time had come to move forward. I didn’t get to have my ‘
enough’
with him and will live with that, but the time I did have with him should be cherished instead of imprisoning.

“
You have to show him that a love worth fighting for can withstand anything, even death. We are witness to this now.
”

“
Okay, honey, I’m trying. I know you’re right. I promise our son will know you and I will work on being happy without you.” No response. I can only hope he hears me.

I need to pull myself out of these
daydreams of Hem before they take me further into what isn’t real. Mace is on her way here for my first day of work. She actually called me at six o’clock this morning to make sure I was awake. I have to say that even for Mace, that’s extreme. I’m looking forward to seeing her today. I’ve missed her so damn much as my best friend, rather than her serving as warden to my depression.

April is
already here, patiently waiting for Mace to pick me up. We’ve already gone over with my daily schedule that I need for her to stick to when it comes to Patrick. I can’t threaten her if she doesn’t, because she’s doing me a solid favor being here for him all day. He’s a lot to handle. The boy has way too much energy for just an infant and if she feeds him too much formula, it will be her own worst nightmare trying to put him down for a nap.

The door flies open
. Just in time. Naturally, Mace is just in time. My crazy, best friend wouldn’t be late for anything, and especially not in pushing me out of my house.

“Mornin
’.” That’s all she says to the room as she opens my door. She’s definitely not a morning person and if I ever see her without her cup of coffee before noon, I generally try not to make any type of quick movement or sudden sound. She tells me that Peyton has no mute button and she’s a morning person, so I will tolerate Mace during the drives to work and look forward to having Peyton there until Mace wakes up at noon.

“Good
morning, sister.”

I know I’m not
supposed to be cheery, but after Shame’s visit Friday and this weekend of positive thoughts, it is taking everything in me not to run to my best friend and hold her snug. I want to thank her for still loving me.

“Are you ready?
I told Gramma we were going to be in a little late today because I want us to stop and have some breakfast on the way. I hate Monday’s, really do. Peyton is even more annoying on Monday mornings.”

Wow, Peyton takes a hit and doesn’t even know about it.
Goodness, Mace.

She is standing inside
the door, still sporting her oversized sunglasses. She looks like she had too much to drink last night, but she didn’t. This is just her Monday morning expression.

“Okay, sounds good
, but I already ate, so we can just stop for you, if that’s alright.”

I grab my stuff and reach for Patrick and give him an
extra-long hug while April and Mace stare at me in shock. Patrick and I had a great weekend of bonding together. I need to get out of here before I decide to quit my job on the first day.

“Let’s go.
I don’t want to leave, so, Mace, get me out of here quick-like.”

“Sure thing, m
ama. Let’s go,” says the zombie, still sporting the glasses that only a celebrity could pull off.

Ap
ril is still in shock. She hasn’t moved since we headed towards the door and when I look back at her, I see tears in her eyes. Honestly, people, I’m not the theme of a ‘Lifetime’ movie. Give me some space without all the emotion, please.

We hop in the car and she starts in
immediately. “Shame told me.”

Already she’s
starting this chat
and
she’s in her morning mood. That’s two strikes already and I haven’t said a word.  I would rather have waited until after lunch for any type of heart to heart with ‘Momzilla’. She’s staring at the road ahead and won’t look at me.

“Are you mad at me?
Ya know, for him having to come over and talk to me Friday?”

I need to gauge her mood before I co
ntinue my emotional assault in telling her she’s my personal hero for putting up with my bitch-ass self this last year.

“Mad
? About what? Why would I be mad at you, honey? For you needing Shame? For needing someone to make you understand that all of this hasn’t only been about you? I tried. You know I did. You stopped listening to me months ago.”

She pauses
, waiting for my response, but I’ve got nothing for her. She’s nervous to keep talking, but being Mace, continue she does.

“Sade,
you have a son that needs his mother, Hem’s best friend that needs you to heal, and more than anything else, you have me, your best friend, that loves you without conditions and misses you so intensely that I’ve felt like I’ve been drowning from inside-out because I haven’t been able to reach you. No, Sadey, I’m not mad at you. I’m comforted knowing that Shame appears to have made some headway.”

Thank goodness
. She’s forgiving my selfish ass.

“
It’s not just that. You look different today, too. I saw you cling to Patrick before we left and that’s why I wanted to get you out of there.”

She still hasn’t looked at me and the morning sun has given her an excuse to
keep her eyes hidden. “Mace ... I’m sor…”

She shak
es her head at me. “No. Don’t even tell me you’re sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. Out of all of us you were always the most sensitive one. I own up to that and so does Shame. When he came home Friday after he left you, he was pissed, but he was pissed at
me
. He had a right to be. I get it. He told me he had talked to you and that you were committed to start healing. He told me I needed to ‘back the fuck off’. It hurt my feelings, but he’s right. I owe
you
an apology. I’m so sorry I kept pushing you when you were nowhere ready for that.”

She had every right to push me.
I was drowning myself with sorrow. I was lost. “Mace...”

“Just stop
. Damn it, Sadey! I’ve waited a long time to say these things. After I left you Friday night, I felt uneasy. I tried to call you all weekend long and when you didn’t answer, I was concerned. I tried to go to you, but Shame wouldn't allow it. He told me you were going to be thinking things through. I just wanted to be part of that. I wanted to do the thinking
for you
. That was wrong of me. When I saw you with Patrick this morning … I just … felt like everything was going to be okay. I need you to be okay. I need my person back as self-centered as it sounds.”

“I’m coming back now
. I am. I didn’t answer anyone this weekend, Mace. I shut everything else out after you had left and just took some time to think things through.”

“I’m…”
Her daily word count is up. I get the floor.

“Sh
hh, friend, my turn. I’m the same person I was when I was with Hem. It wasn’t Hem that made me all of who I am. It was all of us together. A group dynamics thing. Shame just made me realize that I wasn’t alone in my grief. I’m back. I’m your person and I’m not going anywhere. My life is my son and I’m going to give him the best life I can. I love you for caring and still being here after everything I’ve done to push you away.”

Nothing more is said
on our drive. Once we get to the library, she opens her car door as if her damn pants are on fire, though. She comes flying to my side of the mustang to open my door and, I’m not ashamed to admit, I feel some level of distress. She grabs me hard, jerking me to her, enveloping me in one hellevua hug.

I smile into her shoulder,
 “I’ve missed you, too, Mace.” She’s not one for awkward moments, so when I give her this we just walk into the library office together without another word needing to be said.

I thought my morning drama was over.
That is until the clock strikes noon and the second act begins. Peyton comes running to Mace and I with her face fixed in excitement. Someone please tell me that our friend Peyton wasn’t withholding exciting news because Mace Cash is such a bitch before lunch. If so, I have seen everything now. Unreal.

“O-M-G
! I’m about to bust. I’ve been waiting until I knew Mace wouldn’t hurt me before I could tell you guys my news! I’m so excited! I can’t believe this is happening! I just can N-O-T…”

“
What
?” Wow, Mace, down girl. Yeesh.

“Sorry
, Mace. I should have waited until your teeth weren’t showing to share my excitement with you.” Peyton looks at her because generally she is timid around Mace until she wakes up with the help of her coffee, but not today.

Moving this along.
“What’s up, honey? What’s got you in such a dizzle?”

Mace hates when I use slang
, so she’s glaring at me. She’s already miffed, so who cares.

“Derek and I are moving
. We leave in a few weeks.” She waits for a response, but Mace and I are floored. This is her home. Her Gramma is here. The library is here.
We are here.

I jump into Peyton’s news without consideration for
her excitement. “No, you’re not. You’re kidding, right?”

At this point I’m
too overwhelmed to hold back and think it best to lead this in lieu of Mace, who is standing beside me, scowling at Peyton. If I had her sunglasses in my hands I would offer them to her now.

“Yep.
We are taking Gramma with us. We’re selling this place and moving to Montana. Derek loves me and everyone knows he loves my grandma. Grandpa is gone and she needs this change. She’s been sulking since last winter.”

She looks at me as if she thinks she hurt my feelings regarding her
sullen observation. Doesn’t bother me a bit; I have been no stranger to sulking.