The Wicked Game (A Wicked Game Novel) (23 page)

“I fear I have always loved you and it breaks my heart for the pain I have caused you and the time we have lost…”

Andrew remained stoic and Angela understood. Oh how they understood each other without words! It should have been a given that they were meant to be together. It always had been a given and the knowledge of this nearly drove her mad.

More tears flowed. She could not win his love back so easily.

***

As if he was drunk on brandy, his head swam round and round. Nothing made sense. Nothing was clear. The words of his wife saying, “I love you,” might as well have not existed. They had never existed before so of course, they did not exist now. Those words could not exist now. All he wanted to do was ignore her and her seemingly artificial emotions. But as it turned out he couldn’t ignore her; no matter what he thought about her words, her tears were real. So he spoke.

“I do love you. You know that I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you in your room.” He hesitated. “In front of the mirror, beautiful and innocent. You know this. You know!”

He ran his hand over his forehead in frustration. Every muscle was tensed and Angela could see the bulging of his veins.

“I told you. I did.” He clutched her shoulders with an intensity that made her quiver. “I loved you then. I love you now. I have loved you always… And I told you!” A pause. “
I told you
.”

Yes, that had been the point all along. Andrew had never denied his feelings for Angela, to himself or to her. Since the beginning he had been true. Since the beginning he had been open. He hadn’t always known that he loved her but from the very moment that he was struck with the realization he had opened his heart and confessed everything to her.

But it hadn’t been enough. Nothing he had ever said or done had been enough to break down Angela’s wall and dispel her fears. The protection and freedom he had given little Mary was no different than what he had given Angela herself ever since the beginning of their relationship. Angela had always been free to be herself and live her life as she saw fit and no matter what, he would always be there to protect her
and
her freedom. Since day one this alone had been true. His feelings for her had never changed; if anything, they had grown stronger and all the while her fear and doubt of him grew.

Her reaction to his speech for their daughter only strengthened this belief. Angela had been absolutely shocked and at the same time relieved, that her husband would not exploit their daughter just as she had been exploited. Her shock meant that she had expected him to mistreat their daughter. She must have been thinking about this for months and not once had she come to him. Not once had she trusted him. This is what hurt him the most.

And now here she was standing before him saying the words she should have said so long ago, suddenly figuring out who he really was, expecting him to just take her back?

Well time no longer mattered because if he lived one hundred years, that would never happen.

***

Much later that night Andrew collapsed into his bed with exhaustion. Physically and mentally he had given all of himself in the past few hours. His eyes drooped, his breathing deepened, and before he knew it he was in a deep sleep. Of course he dreamed about his family.

He could see little Mary asleep and peaceful in her crib. Her breaths were soft and her skin was pink and vibrant. God! How had he ended up so lucky? No, blessed was more like it and he sighed. He knew exactly how he had ended up with such a beautiful and amazing daughter: she had a beautiful and amazing mother.

Andrew slowly reached his hand towards her face to touch her plump cheek when all of a sudden, little Mary opened her eyes and connected with Andrew. Her eyes were piercing and Andrew felt as if there was something in them that she wanted him to see; almost as if she had a secret to tell him… almost as if she knew just exactly what was going on between him and her mother. Did she? How could she know? But, just what if she did? This was a dream after all and so anything was possible.

He blinked and suddenly he was in Angela’s room. Had the brief connection with their daughter brought him here? Dreams were unusual things but something about them had always rung true with Andrew, and so even though he was sound asleep Andrew kept himself alert. He was in her room, her separate room, a place that he rarely if ever entered, and yet he felt comfortable and at home. His heart felt warm and for the first time in months it actually fluttered as he looked down at her beautiful and angelic face. She was so peaceful and wonderful. Her breaths were deep and as he watched her, he could tell that despite the life she had lived and the confrontation they had just had, she was unbroken. How wonderful and strong she was! He pursed his lips and lifted his hand. Just one touch. One caress against her cheek and then maybe he would know what to do. He paused and then, nervously, his fingers met their mark on the soft and supple skin of her face. One stroke and then one more and she opened her eyes.

Andrew paused. Little Mary had done the same thing but something about this was so real. Angela’s gaze pierced him as if this was the last chance in her life to connect with him. He loved her, he always had, and in this moment he might have broken down and given in. In this moment Andrew might have kissed his wife and begged her to stay with him. In this moment Andrew might have laid his wife down and made love to her as if they would die tomorrow. In this moment Andrew might have done anything… if only in this moment Andrew hadn’t realized that in actuality, this was
not
a dream.

***

Sometimes there are things that a person just knows. When a loved one is in trouble it can be felt in the soul, when our name is spoken our ears always ring, and when someone is looking at us, their eyes burn the back of our head. As Angela lay in bed that night after her encounter with her beloved she began to feel a strange warming sensation against her body.

At first she attributed it to the pain she was carrying. Her husband had rejected her and if she was honest with herself, she knew that she deserved it. She had rejected him for so long and honestly, who the hell was she to think that he would just take her back? She deserved everything that he said to her and everything that he did to her. Point blank she had messed up and so with this realization in mind, Angela set herself to thinking of ways to sway her husband back to her favor.

After a few minutes Angela realized that the fire she felt on her skin was not depleting. Something was going on. Was someone here? She gathered her strength to turn her head and look but before she had the chance she felt the touch of a well worked and familiar hand upon her body. She knew that she should turn around and acknowledge his presence but she wanted so desperately to feel him that she feigned sleep for just a moment longer as she pulled in comfort from his touch. One stroke and then one more. She couldn’t hold it in anymore and so in one flash her eyes shot open. She was right, there he was. Her husband was in the room with her and yes, he was actually touching her face. Her first reaction was that this had to be a dream. After what had just passed between them, there was no way that Andrew would actually be here.

No. She had to be wrong. She
was
wrong. The emotions that she was feeling were too real to be a dream. Her heart was beating so hard that she knew that this had to be true. She locked her eyes with Andrew and it suddenly became clear to her that
he
didn’t realize this was real. He thought this was a dream! Here was her opportunity to change his mind. Here was her chance to get across to him just exactly what was going on in her bursting heart; to make him feel the love she had always held for him but was afraid to accept. She wasn’t afraid now. So she pursed her lips, about to take advantage of this special situation when suddenly, realization registered in her husband’s eyes. This was not a dream and he knew it. Angela had lost her chance.

She had waited too long to feel real emotions and feel truly vulnerable to another person and so, no matter what she might think she saw in his eyes, she would not let this moment pass without at least trying to connect with him for real. She reached out her hand and saw him flinch. She was used to this reaction but for the first time, she would not let it get to her. This was new to her, this strong and determined woman, but something about it just felt so wonderful. Not only did she now feel the strength and determination to love, she felt the strength and ability to love as she pleased.

And she reacted.

Her body shot up vertically and Andrew did not move. With purpose she placed her right hand behind his head and pulled him in closer to her. They both sighed and she could feel the tension release from both of their bodies. She pulled him in until their noses were touching. His breath was warm and calming on her face. She sighed again and so did he. And then they were connected.

Who leaned in first and made the connection was unclear. Angela had thought it but she couldn’t actually recall her body making the final movements. Right now it didn’t matter who had made the final move. All that mattered was that it had happened. His lips were soft and the delicate hairs of his upper lips tickled her. She giggled and he tried to pull away but with her hand behind his head, she easily pulled him back into her. A gentle flick of his tongue and a soft suction of the lower lip and she was shaking with pleasure.

At this point she knew that she must act or the moment may be lost forever. She put both hands behind his head and slowly pulled herself away from his intense embrace. The words were there and she opened her mouth to say them. But just as had happened earlier, Andrew suddenly realized what was going on and before Angela knew what had happened, he was gone.

Try as he might, Andrew could not distinguish any sound outside of his own being. The sound of the horse’s hooves echoed through the ground beneath him but he could not hear it. Instead the waves reverberated up and through him until they merged with the beating of his heart, and the two became inseparable. He was completely drawn into himself now and nothing in the entire world could pull him out. There was too much in his head. He released his right hand from its grip on the reigns in order to massage his temples but at that exact moment the horse jerked, nearly throwing Andrew to his death on the rocks beside the path.

His heart skipped a beat at this scare and though his mind was still foggy, the near disaster was enough to set him thinking straight again. He took a deep breath and let the rhythm of his body settle into the horse’s gate as he organized his thoughts. First things first; the visit to little Mary’s room. Had he truly been there? It was definitely possible but the events that happened must have been in his head. Mary was still a baby. How could she possibly know what was going on between him and her mother? But yet… Andrew furrowed his brow as he tried to make the image of that moment appear to him again. There she was, soft and delicate, with plump rosy cheeks and curly Auburn hair. Her blue eyes were sparkling and they showed understanding. This was the part where he was certain that he must have been dreaming. Yet something about her eyes had been so incredibly insightful… so real.

Confusion was still running rampant in his brain but he now moved his thoughts towards Angela; beautiful, wonderful, amazing Angela. As much as he might have wanted to, visiting his wife’s room was not an option in the daytime let alone the nighttime. Yet he had been there and that alone told him he had been dreaming. So why had he been dreaming of his wife? He laughed to himself and shook his head. What a stupid question. Of course he knew why he would visit his wife’s room in a dream. Despite everything that had passed between them, when he saw her in her room, he couldn’t stop his heart from smiling. As he had gazed down at her he entered a fight with himself, a fight to keep from kissing her. His mouth watered and he touched her, trying to satisfy his need. He couldn’t. Even in a dream it would be forbidden, for if he indulged himself in his mind he didn’t know if he would be able to restrain himself in real life. The pull was so strong though, the attraction so undeniable, that he didn’t care what might happen when he awoke. He made up his mind to lean into her but before he could do it something unexplainable happened, she did it for him. She kissed him, passionately. This was all the proof he needed that this interaction was a dream. And yet this was all the proof he need that this interaction was
not
a dream.

All at once he slowed his horse and dismounted before the steed was completely stopped. He stumbled to the side of the path and as his body folded in half he expelled the meager contents of his stomach onto the ground. In the moment that he fled Angela’s room he was fighting with the idea that the situation might have been real. Now he knew that it had been real. Now he knew that what had passed was much more than a dream.

Little Mary really had known what was going on.

He really had been in his wife’s room.

He really had kissed her.

And despite it all, he loved her.

Despite it all, he wanted Angela back.

***

A lot of running was going on tonight but when Andrew ran from the room Angela became momentarily paralyzed. Her body would not rise from the bed. Her feet would not place themselves on the floor. She wanted nothing more than to run after him, envelope him within her arms, and send her love into his heart. How stupid she had been. How horrible. How… selfish. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs and tear her hair out; anything to go back and change what had happened; anything to let Andrew know just how much she loved him and how much she had always loved him.

She screamed. She screamed until her ears rang. She screamed until her lungs nearly burst and immediately she regretted it. Someone must have heard her. The wife of an Earl is never really alone and so, she expected that anytime now someone would be coming to check after her. The last thing she wanted was company. All she wanted was to be able to move, and right now, that still was not happening.