The Widow's Friend (24 page)

So Friend, you have
let your imagination run overtime. I am not dogging you nor will I ever. You
are my good friend and always will be. I have to remind myself of what part I
play in all of this and have to cool myself down a bit sometimes. I’m just
trying to protect myself. It is really hard to write and tell you how I feel. I’m
scared for you and your marriage and I don’t want to be part of the problem. I
know I have told you that before. I tell you that but then I keep flirting with
you and that makes me exactly that—part of the problem. It’s because I really
like you, and I like that you pay attention to me and make me feel like someone
special.

I would love to see
you again and talk to you face to face. But don’t think, even for a minute,
that I am trying to get rid of you. I am ready for bed so tonight is not so
good. Write me and let’s see if we can figure out another time. I hope this
makes you feel better about us. I look forward to hearing from you
.

Callii, you really are someone special and I hope you will
always feel that way, and I’m glad that you really like me. That means a lot to
me. And trust me; I have no problem with you flirting with me. I can’t imagine
you being single for the next thirty years though, that is totally beyond my
scope, but I wish you well. I hate, under these circumstances, to openly admit
this, but I think it’s just obvious that I have strong feelings for you. Maybe
it’s a stupid thing to say, at this point in the game, but emotion is a hard
thing to understand and under the conditions we’ve worked under it’s even
harder still. As you know, I have no problem expressing my emotions, and you
have been at the center of them over the last several months. I still don’t
know why this all started. I know how but I don’t know why, I probably never
will. But the pleasure has been mine, of that I’m sure.

I don’t want our friendship to end this way, precisely
because of those feelings that I hold for you, but I don’t know that it can go
on like this, with no end in sight. You have made me feel like a teenager
again, and you know that I tend to think young anyway. You, little girl, are a
lovely person and a beautiful woman, and life hasn’t always been that kind to
you. And me, I’m afraid we’re totally opposites. You are the grasshopper and I
am the ant. You are the party girl and I lead a quiet little life. It’s clear
that we don’t fit together, yet I’m certain that we do. (Call me crazy.) But I
think I’m a little more fun than some may think, and I think you’re a little
softer and more laid back than you sometimes present.

But if all that it takes to end this, that I write one
distasteful thing that ticks you off that much, then I’m afraid that the stuff
our relationship is based on is not strong enough to stand. I can’t help but
feel that I’m invested in this a little more than you are.

I’m sorry that I hurt you. I just intended it to be a
sarcastic little slam to get back at you, but I obviously went too far. I
really don’t see you as a cold and shuttered haunted house. I actually see you
as the loving and affectionate little woman that you are; otherwise I would
have no interest. Again, I’m sorry. It was only meant in a type of fun. And if
it makes you feel any better, I may have given you a slap across the face, but
you responded with a two by four to the side of my head. It’s you who really
knows how to hurt a guy.

And remember the good things that I wrote about you? A
couple of times you couldn’t sleep because of them. I have to think I’ve
delivered some good along the way. I remember the description I wrote of you
last month. I think it was an apt depiction. You are a beautiful woman, you
know, and I felt you needed to hear it.

I want you to know that it has been very hard on me being
duplicitous over the last few months. I have always been a straight shooter.
Yes, I have had a few crushes over the years, but nothing of substance, just
workplace fantasies, nothing more. Again girl, you have been my only rodeo. It
is not like me to hide things from others and live a double life, and I hope I
haven’t made a fool of myself along the way. I also hope you won’t trash me
around your friends if my name ever comes up. I have been sincere in all that I’ve
said about you and I will always speak of you with the respect you deserve;
because, after all, that’s the way I truly feel about you.

And Callii, you know full well the story of how this all
started. It happened. I reacted, and here we are. When it started I didn’t have
any idea why. You jumped into my mind from that yearbook like electricity, and
like 220 volts you wouldn’t let go. Then two weeks later Julie Davies told me
you were widowed. I had no idea. I hope you understand that that’s what
happened and that’s why it all began. I didn’t know if I was supposed to help
you or if you were supposed to help me, or if we were to support one another,
which seems to have been somewhat the case.

I had no idea, as a married man, that I would fall head over
heels for you. No matter the conditions, that’s not what I had in mind. So
please don’t think I came after you intentionally, it just developed, and it
developed rather quickly, I think. And I do admit that I was much the
aggressor. You always did dig in your heels a bit. But I want you to know it
was a lot of fun and I have no regrets. And just so you know, you have been
very supportive of me and have been a great help. I hope I have helped you
overall as well. And now, it seems, I’m required to tuck you back in the pages
of the yearbook and wait another thirty-something years before I talk to you
again. You may be around that long, but I won’t.

I will say, dear friend, that you have a full and active
life, with family nearby and a network of friends. I admire that, and God bless
that it continues for you. Also, I know that you want to stay single, and I’m
sure that you do. But I also know that you’re torn between that and remarrying
at some point, because you’re a good woman, made of flesh and blood, with hopes
and desires. And I’ve heard you mention hopelessness more than once. If I wasn’t
married I would continue to fight for you, try to convince you, and we might
live happily ever after. There are some things I would like to share with you,
some things that you need to know, that might even make a difference, but I can’t
at this point. Hopefully it will happen and things will change, sometime in the
future….

I find it quite sad that you or anyone else has to make
choices between money and affection. I’m in a similar fix, though—many people
in our age group get trapped in business arrangements. But loneliness is a
terrible thing, it ravages folks over time. I saw my own mother go through it.
She was widowed for fifteen years before passing, and even though she had a
boyfriend for the last ten years, the loneliness was still stark, persistent,
and relentless. I say this not to burden you, but because I know how it all
works and I worry for you. Kids and a network of friends aren’t always enough,
especially as we get older. God bless you always as you go. And yes, I will
always be your friend, dear Jo.

So I have sent you a string of music videos that mean what
they mean, they each stand on their own – the final fun. They’re just a few
things that I’ve stowed away in your behalf. As I’ve told you earlier, I had
always wanted to write some romantic tale with old tunes as part of the
storyline. I think that’s where the songs all originated from. The whole song
thing was natural and a lot of fun for me. I hope it was for you as well. I
felt a little nerdy sending them all out in bunches over these last few days,
but I still wanted to share. Forgive me.

And finally, I will need some time to dry out from you as
this all ends, to unwrap you from around my heart, to extricate you from my
mind, and to somehow cleanse you from my soul. It will take some time.

You previously alluded to the fact that men and women have a
hard time just being friends. I partially agree with that, but I believe that I
can be “just friends” with most women out there, just not with you. You and
romance are intertwined in my DNA. You are special and unique in my mind and
heart, so when I considered being ‘just your friend’, I had some serious
doubts, but having said that, as I’ve further considered it, I think it will
work, and I would love to give it a try good friend. As the next few months go
by, we will contact each other and chat again on a friendship basis. It
actually kind of liberates me in some ways, and it’s the way it should have
been right from the start.

Please excuse my romantic pursuit of you. My heart and my
DNA drove me on. Feel free to write me anytime, though I would prefer it if you
give me until at least late February so I can go through rehab for my Jo Jo
addiction. I really don’t think you have any idea how involved I’ve been,
though I’ve tried to tell you so many times. I will leave you on my e-mail list
and shoot you a note now and again, but nothing personal and nothing at all
until after February. I will think of you each time I shoot one off, just like
I do all the others out there. I have roughly forty people on the e-mail list,
but none of them are worth a nickel compared to you. I’m sorry that our little
long distance romance has gone on for so long, but my offer still stands. If
you ever need someone to talk to, just shoot me an e-mail or give me a phone
call and I’ll be there as soon as I can—really.

And a few final things, I think it’s terrible that your
basement flooded, especially while you’re preparing to sell your house. I’ve
been there and done that, just on a lesser level than what you’re dealing with.
My heart goes out to you.

You’ve tried to ditch me (so to speak) on a few previous
occasions, but I wouldn’t let you, being a fairly persistent sort, but this
time seems different—I don’t really have a choice. My philosophy many years ago
was, if you want to forget one girl, just go out and find another one, and it
always seemed to work. But things are different now, you know?

I have often thought how much energy it must take to make a
change at this stage of our lives. I don’t know about you, but I know I have
little time and maybe even less energy, though I was willing to step off a
cliff for you.

I’ve often wondered why you refuse to call me Levi. You call
me friend, or Brother Stone, or Mr. Stone, etc. but never Levi. Is it too
personal? Or have you even thought about it?

Also, I think it’s a riot thinking of you in the flannel
pajamas in the flannel sheets. As always, you make me smile.

And if you ever want to reconsider our romance, my door is
always open, but like I’ve always said, “Don’t touch me unless you mean it!”
And not until I’m single.

Also, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see you again.
I’ll miss you Calliijo, you’ve been my great friend.

Now, if I’m so bold to ask, I have one final assignment for
you Jo, independent girl that you are that does not like assignments. My
birthday is on February the 22nd. If you can remember to send me an e-mail that
day, then I will know I’ve meant something to you and we can start talking
again as friends. And after one solid month of not hearing from you, what a
nice little present that would be. And if not, that’s just the way my life has
been going lately.

And one more little thing, if you could reply to this
rambling message with a short e-mail and end things on a positive note, it
would mean a lot to me. And the quicker the better, I need to crawl in a mental
cave and hibernate, so I can recover from my Callii obsession. Thank you, sweet
gramma.

Love, Levi (That’s right girlfriend—Levi. That is my name.)

***

From Callii Wilson (One hour later)

Oh, Levi, Levi, Levi! Dear sweet Levi! Thanks for all the
music and the sweet farewell e-mail. You really are one of the nicest guys that
I know. I will miss you. I would love to hear from you anytime. When I said I
wanted to be friends forever I was sincere. Also, if your marital status ever
changes look me up.

I would like to remind you of what started this “fight”. It
was you writing me off because I thought four o’clock in the morning was an
interesting time for relations. You decided that by making that statement I was
showing my true colors and you were glad you found out about me before you had
done something stupid. Well Levi, I am kind of glad this has all happened. And
yes, I guess that is my true color. Four in the morning would not be my
favorite time for such things. After that e-mail I clued in that I was too
invested in a married man and I knew that I was betraying everything I believe
in. I was having an affair of the heart, and that is not the kind of person I
am, or ever want to be. So, I am so sorry. I had no right to take things as far
as I did. Please forgive me for my part in all of this. It just felt so good to
have someone think I was special again. So Levi, my forever friend, I hope to
hear from you in the future and I really truly hope you find happiness. I am
done for now until 2-22, so I must bid you farewell.

Your forever friend, Callii

From Levi Stone

Jan 22nd

Sorry to bother you, but I am sharing a play list I had
created on a music website. It contains most of the songs that I sent you along
the way. This list is just for you, in remembrance of whatever it was that just
happened. Please don’t respond, I won’t write again.

Thanks, Levi

***

From Callii Wilson

Jan 24th

Hello Levi, I know you don’t want me to write you but I want
to thank you for the CD’s you just mailed me. You are so thoughtful. I love “Sting”—what
a fun surprise, and “The Christmas Collection” by The Carpenters! How sweet of
you to remember. It seems we have come full circle. When you walked away from
me, those many years ago, you came and got your music from me, and this time
you are sending me some.