The Willingness to Burn (16 page)

Chapter 29

Over the course of the next two months, Jace became an expert in holistic cancer care. It was all that he could do. For a man who identified with his own resourcefulness and strength, he was without power and without a move to make in this situation.

So he became the warden of her health. It was never discussed but was almost viewed as his condition of her keeping the baby and forgoing any medical treatment. Every day Maddy would consume a medley of fresh fruits and vegetables. But only after she had done her daily yoga workouts. Yoga as well as the breathing treatments she had undergone were important to increase oxygenation of her cells. Cancer cells thrive in oxygen poor environments.

She continued working through the pregnancy and was insistent that she only take time off after the baby was born, but that goal turned upside down when the diagnosis came through, and she agreed to take a leave of absence until things calmed down. Brent was very understanding of her decision as she knew he would be and asked that she come back afterward.

It was the only decision for her as far as Jace was concerned. He had read that stress elevates the growth of cancer cells and time off would give her time to rest, relax, and focus solely on the good things in her life. He read that a positive mind set and stress-free environment were the best thing for someone in her position.

Due to the dietary and lifestyle changes of pregnancy, it was actually one of the least likely times to develop cancer. Maddy was already eating healthy and had already cut out her coffee habit all together which was helpful to keep an alkaline cell. Coffee causes an acidic cell environment.

Jace was dicing fruit on the cutting board when it occurred to him, that if those really were factors, then the cancer shouldn’t have grown at all during her pregnancy. But he quickly shook this thought off. If it was to work then they both had to remain positive and that was where she needed him the most.

He sliced up the oranges as Maddy waited patiently at the breakfast bar. She was scrolling through something on her phone when she paused and thought for a moment.

“Do you think we should have more pictures in the nursery?”

“We certainly can. Whatcha thinking?”

“I dunno some pictures of animals or something.”

“Yeah, I’m cool with that.”

“I’m thinking some birds or maybe some dolphins,” Maddy said, grinning to herself

“Birds and dolphins? Babe, this is a man we’re raising. We need man things.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah! We need lions and monster trucks and stuff like that.”

“If I let you decorate the nursery you’d have a transformer riding a raptor.”

“Nah, raptors are too small,” Jace paused staring off for a moment. “But a T-Rex—Ooo! Or maybe that genetically modified Raptor that’s bigger than a T-Rex, we could do that!”

“And that’s why you don’t get to design the nursery.”

“Uh huh,” Jace said, pushing the sliced oranges to the side.

“Okay, how about some dog pictures?”

“I like that, but you know what we should really start thinking about?”

“I know, I know, getting a dog.”

“Yes! It will be great for him to grow up with a big slobbery puppy.”

“Why not something nice and small?”

“A dog isn’t a dog if it’s under fifty pounds.”

“How so?”

“Because, dear,” Jace said, bringing a plate of sliced fruit over to Maddy, “whenever a housecat can kill a dog, it’s not a dog, it’s a gerbil.”

Maddy laughed.

“Yeah, but how will the building feel about us having a big slobbery puppy?”

“They probably wouldn’t like it. Maybe that’s another reason to move back to Jersey?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“My real estate guys told me about this house in Oradell that seems really nice.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah, we’d be twenty minutes or so from your dad. Only a half hour or so from my parents.”

“I know,” Maddy said reluctantly.

“It will make babysitting a lot easier.”

“Yeah, I just don’t want to let go of the city life, I suppose.”

“I know, babe. We don’t have to sell this place. We can hang on to it for a while.”

“Yeah, but …” Maddy stopped speaking and stood up grabbing her stomach. A look of panic engulfed her face. Jace dropped the knife and ran over to her side.

“Whats wrong?”

“I don’t … I don’t know.”

“Is it the baby?”

Maddy stood up and Jace grabbed her hand. She clutched onto his shirt then fell to the floor.

“Maddy!” Jace cried out. “Maddy!” Jace yelled again.

He looked down and noticed a pool of blood coming from between her legs.

Jace leaped to his feet and grabbed his phone. He punched 911 into the phone and called in a panic.

About an hour later, Jace paced back and forth in the waiting room. He wanted to sit, but there was no rest to be had. He felt like an anxious kid waiting for his parents to come out of the principal’s office. The feeling of dread that he always experienced in a doctor’s office was somehow abated by the overwhelming wave of anxiety flushing through his senses. He stood in the corner tapping his fingers together. Doing anything to keep his mind off the wait and off what would be the inevitable conclusion to the trip. Jace hung on the words of positivity as a sinner does the rosary.

Think positive and you’ll get positive results. Think positive and you’ll get positive results.

“Mr. Clark.” A voice interrupted his internal monologue

“Yes!” He jumped to attention and raced toward the man in green scrubs.

“Come with me.”

“What happened?”

“We’ll explain everything in a moment.”

Jace followed quickly on his heels to a small seating area. He had no intention of the doctor letting him down easy. He wanted the Band-Aid torn off quickly. Not knowing was worse than knowing could ever be.

“Please,” the man said, extending his arm toward the chair. “You are aware that your wife is very sick.”

“Yes. Is she okay?”

“Aside from her cancer, she’s okay for the time being.”

Jace stared back at the man sifting through the pause in his statement second by second.

“But…,” Jace said finally getting tired of waiting.

“We weren’t able to save the baby.”

That hit. The words seemed to come out with a boom. A false boom, like those wrestlers he saw on TV as a kid who would slam their foot while punching someone to make it seem like a hard hit
. God, if today was only about a punch to the face.
He would take it.

“Based on our tests, the cancer seems to have metastasized. And as a result, the strain on her body was just too much.”

Jace sat in utter disbelief. All of the diets, exercise plans, breathing treatments—How had they all failed them? They had done everything right.

He always wondered what exactly it took to drive someone insane, and in that moment, he understood. He felt all of the protective instincts of fatherhood drain from his body. The sensation left him feeling tired and weak.

“Does she know?”

“No, she’s in an out of it from the meds.”

“She can’t have the …” Jace stopped speaking when he heard his own words out loud. It didn’t matter anymore.

“We thought you would want to be there when we broke the news to her.”

Jace sighed deeply. He looked down at the floor then pressed his hands against his knees and stood up.

“All right, let’s go.”

“Do you need a minute?”

“She’s smart, she’s going to figure this out really soon. Let’s not wait.”

The pair sat in a curtained-off section of the emergency room. Maddy’s clothes were blood stained and taken off of her. They lay somewhere in a plastic bag the way you would imagine evidence does. She laid on the bed draped in a blue and white hospital gown. The man in the green scrubs and white doctors’ coat sat down in the chair next to them.

“Maddy, as you know, you have a serious medical condition.”

“What about the baby?” she asked, undeterred by information she already knew.

The doctor frowned to himself. It seemed as though he was looking for more foreplay before dropping the bomb. “I’m afraid that we weren’t able to save the baby.”

Maddy began to hyperventilate then her deep breaths broke way to muffled tears. Then her breath caught and a loud shriek could be heard throughout the hospital.

“You have an advanced form of cancer, and it has spread. The strain on your body was too much, and your body terminated the pregnancy.”

“We were waiting for the baby before starting treatment,” Jace said.

“I’ll put in a call to our oncologist. I’d like him to take a look.”

“That’s all right, I already reached out to our guy. We’re going to see him tomorrow morning.”

“Okay. Again I’m sorry,” the doctor said while exiting the room.

The curtains were pulled shut, and the patients near and far heard the cries of a woman who had lost everything before ever getting to truly hold it.

Chapter 30

Anna

A few days later, he texted me. I was sure not to text him first, other than to let him know that I was home. I didn’t want to come off in any kind of way, even though I’d wanted to text him every day since our Jersey City excursion. I felt like it had been forever. I put my book down and thought for a moment. I was reading a great new series at the time about a girl who was a musician, think like a Britney Spears type, and she fell in love with one of her coworkers, but then her ex comes back and she can’t figure out which one to go with. There was just so much intrigue.

“Hey there. How are you?” his text read.

“I’m goo
d
How are you?” I texted back. I wanted to make sure he knew I was happy to hear from him so I sent him a smiley face.

“Good, I was just thinking about you.” My cheeks swelled into a smile, and I tossed my book to the other side of the bed. There was no reason to even try to keep reading; I’d never be able to pay attention. I’d always been like that. I could be so entranced in something but then someone says something that really entices me and I just can’t go back to it.
I wonder if I have ADD.

“Oh, really? What were you thinking?”

“That I’d like to take you up on that dinner offer.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yes.”

“When are you thinking?”

“Are you free tomorrow?”

I thought for a moment.
Yes, but shit, I’m supposed to start my period tomorrow. Well I guess I can just skip the sugar pill and eat into next month’s supply a bit.
I’d done it before; I didn’t particularly like doing it, but hey. You only get to have sex with someone for the first time once.

“Yeah, I’m free.”

I also don’t have to teach a class tomorrow so I’ll have enough time to come home after work, shower, shave, and get ready before he’s going to come here.

“Great. What’s for dinner?”

“That’s a surprise

”

“Good, I like surprises.”

“Oh, then you’re gonna love me.”

*

Just as we agreed, at 8 PM sharp, he was at my door. I feel like punctuality is something that has been lost on our generation. Everyone always wants to be fashionably late because they think it makes them look busy. It’s so stupid.

I pulled the door open and saw him standing there. He was wearing dress pants and a button-down shirt that had the first two buttons undone and no undershirt beneath it. In his hands he held a brown paper bag.

“Hey there,” I said and took a step into him, planting a kiss on his lips.

“Hey.” He put his arms around my waist and held me close as our lips touched. The bag banged against my ass, and the two bottles inside it clinked together. He brought me wine.
What a classy guy!

“Something smells good.”

“Yes, it does. Are you hungry?”

“Starving.”

“Good, c’mon in.”

“Okay, so let me give you the tour.”

“All right,” he said, smiling, then he put the bag down on the coffee table, placing the bottles in the upright position.

“Okay, this is obviously the living room.”

“Uh huh.”

“Over this way is the kitchen.” I grabbed his hand and walked him through the living room. His hands were soft, you could tell he was an office type of guy, definitely not a manual labor type. I took him to the kitchen where I had a big pot boiling on the stove.

“I see.”

I turned and pushed into him, backing him out of the kitchen. “Over here is the bathroom, and that’s my bedroom.” I turned to point to the bedroom then turned to face him innocently and pursed my lips and put my finger up to my lips in my best innocent girl expression. He leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t a hello kiss like at the door, it was a passionate kiss. And he was a really good kisser. Our lips touched and danced with each other, then our tongues came into play ever so slightly. More of a teasing motion than anything else. He pressed me up against the hall closet that separated my room and the bathroom doors.

I enjoyed it for a moment then pushed him off.
It’s good to keep guys waiting and keep pushing them away. It makes them just want you more. Men are so stupid.

“Hey now. Your gonna make me burn dinner.”

“I’m okay with that.” He grinned at me, his face just far enough away for me to see his mouth.

“But I’m not.” I pushed him harder. “The first meal I cook for us will not be burnt.” I pecked him another kiss then walked out to the kitchen. I wanted to say,
That way he knows I’m in this for the long haul and not just some girl he can fuck and not date,
but I thought maybe he already knew that. I mean, it was our third date, after all. He didn’t say anything.
I wonder if that means that he’s thinking about us being together long term or if that annoyed him. Hmmm …

“So what did you bring?” I asked, trying to get him to talk. I just want to be able to gauge his tone.

“Okay, so, I wasn’t sure what you were making so I brought red and white wine,” he responded.
Hmm. That was tough. No real inflection one way or another. Better get him to say something else.

“Well, which goes best with chicken and pasta?”

“Depends on how it’s made,” he said, glancing over at the pot trying to get a glimpse of what was for dinner, “but usually chicken and white wine go together best.”

I pursed my lips and made my innocent face again. “Awww. I kinda like red wine better.” I looked away from him.

“All right, we’ll open both. We can have a glass of red, while you cook and white with dinner.”

“That sounds perfect,” I said. I could tell by his tone that he was interested or at least wasn’t bothered. I reached up to the cabinet over the sink and pulled out two wine glasses. Even though I didn’t have a lot of kitchenware, I had a very firm belief that every girl needs wine glasses.

“Do you have a cork screw?”

“Of course I do. It’s in that drawer right there,” I said, pointing toward the drawer he was standing next to. He opened the drawer and took the wine key out. He placed it on the counter and disappeared into the living room.

He came back with the bottle of red wine. He handled it very carefully and took the cork out. He poured both glasses and gave them a swirl.

“For you, my dear.”

“Why thank you, kind sir.”

“You’re very welcome. All right, so what can I do to help?”

“Right now, nothing. The chicken needs another few minutes and the pasta is just simmering. I’m just making sure it doesn’t burn now.”

“So how was your day?” he asked, all interested in me.
God, what a nice guy.

“Good, you know, usual stuff. That girl Erika at my office that I told you about before, was such a bitch to me today.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I think that she’s just totally jealous of me.”

“What did she do?”

“I mean, it’s not what she did, it’s just kinda her attitude. Like every time I have to ask her for something there’s always this look, you know?”

“This look?”

“Yeah it’s like this, ‘Why can’t you do it yourself bitch?’ kinda look. But that’s her job. I don’t even have access to the files, I just need them to make copies.”

“So why is she so jealous?”

“Because she’s fat and miserable.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah she’s like not
fat
fat, but definitely not someone you would want to see naked.”

“As supposed to you. ..” he said. I turned to look at him and he was sporting a devilish grin.

“Hey, manners, mister!”

“That was manners,” he defended.

I paused and thought for a moment. “Hmmm, I guess you are right. And she’s like super old and not married and no kids, so she’s just a miserable person.”

“How old is she?” he asked, and as soon as he said it, I knew I backed myself into a corner.

“Like forty,” I lied.
I think she’s like thirty two,
but I certainly wasn’t going to say that to someone who was thirty-fourish.

He laughed.

“Forty’s not that old.”

“It is if you’re a girl. For a guy it’s different, you can have kids at any age. But for a girl if you’re forty and not married you might as well start adopting cats.”

He laughed again. I continued to prepare our dinner and he took a seat in my dining room. My dining room was all of one step away from the kitchen so I stayed pretty close to him and we continued to chat about Erika and all the other people at work.

A few minutes and a glass of wine later, we were sitting down. He took the liberty of pouring each of us a glass of white wine and we began eating.

“So is it bad to mix white and red wine?”

“No, not at all, why?”

“You know, how you’re not supposed to mix liquors. “ He stared at me blankly for a second, I thought he was thinking. Then he spoke.

“No, that’s more for hard liquors and beer. That way you don’t get sick.”

“Oh, yeah, what’s the phrase?”

“Beer before liquor, you’ve never been sicker, liquor before beer, and you’re in the clear.”

“That’s right.” I smiled, but then I started to think. “But I thought that works for brown liquors and clear ones too.”

“Well, if it does, I’ve never abided by it. And besides, people switch it up all the time with wine.”

“But in the same night?”

“Absolutely. In the same meal.”

“Really?”

“Yup.”

“Oh, and I told my fake husband about you.”

“Your fake husband?”

“Yeah, his name is Brian. He’s like my best friend. It’s like were married but we’re not, there’s no sexual tension between us or anything. We’re just friends.”

“Just friends?”

“Yeah. We talk all the time. I tell him all about my life and all the crazy people I have to deal with.” I laughed to myself .

“Like Erika?”

“Yup. Just like her.”

“And he tells me about the girls he’s dating and everything else that goes on in his life.”

“That’s really impressive.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s odd that a guy and a girl can be friends and it just stay there.”

“You think so?”

“Sure. Is he good looking?”

“I mean he’s okay, I’ve never really thought about him that way. He’s like my brother, you know?”

“I wonder if he feels the same way.”

“You think he doesn’t?”

“It’s been my experience that any time with two people of the opposite sex, especially when one of them is as sexy as you are.” He paused for effect. And it had an effect. “It’s only a matter of time.”

“I know, I’ve heard people say that before, but we’re just different.”

“Does he ever joke about you two hooking up?”

“Well … yeah, but we’ve always joked about that.”

“Oh, boy.”

“What? You think that’s bad?” I asked, all of a sudden very alarmed.

“Nah, it’s not bad, but he is definitely into you.”

“Nooo,” I let my word drag out in frustration.

“You watch, now that you’re thinking about it, I bet that you are going to start noticing it all the time.”

“Maybe I will.” After hearing him say that, I started to replay my conversation with Brain in my mind. I hadn’t noticed it before but it seemed like he always joked about that.

After dinner, we went and sat on the couch, and I put a movie on. I picked
The Notebook
for a few reasons. It’s romantic. So it will have him thinking about that. I’ve seen it a million and one times, so I won’t mind if I’m distracted. And finally, I know he won’t want to see it so hopefully we get to the bedroom quicker. I’m not sure what time he has to be up tomorrow. It’s a Tuesday, and I don’t have to be in until ten, but I doubt if his schedule is the same.

I sat down next to him and grabbed his arm, pulling it over me, and I leaned into him. The opening credits began to roll, and I just could not get the Brain thing out of my mind.
Okay, I need to get this off my chest and figure this out so that I can get back into the mood. I don’t want Brain to ruin my night. That jerk.

“So what else will I notice if Brian is really interested in me?”

“You’re still thinking about that?”

“Yeah.” I sat up and pressed pause. He raised his eyebrows at me.

“Yeah?” he asked, seemingly surprised. I gave him a sad look. “How does he feel about your boyfriends?”

“I mean, he seems fine with it.”

“Well, he has to be. He’s not dating you so he can’t get mad. What does he tell you about them?”

“Like what?”