The Winemaker's Dinner: Dessert (The Winemaker's Feast) (17 page)

With so much activity, this scarcely seemed like the same quiet, moonlit beach that had once played the setting to a magical night of turtle watching. Though it made her a little sad, it was fitting that this would now be the location of the first real conversation she and Ivan had had in six months. She pressed her hands against her hips and smiled when she found the tender bruises that lingered on her body from their night together. That had been communication of some sort, but without a clear message to guide the way forward. What now? Where to begin when they were face to face? She’d arrived an hour early so she could prepare and try to imagine how this talk would go. There must be a way she could make an honest confession
and
convince him to take another chance on her…

She wasn’t sure what to think. They’d had an amazing night of mind-bending sex, but then the damned photo of her and Damian had lit a fire of a different kind. He’d agreed to meet, but his email was so innocuous and detached—not terse or mean, but just nothing indicating how receptive he might be. Should she dive right into it all and tell him the whole story right away? Would he listen?

Did it matter? Was she going to try to change his mind? Was it worth it after his very straightforward message? Had he never really trusted her at all? Did she deserve someone who did—or who would at least be willing to listen and talk and try to work things out? Should she try to be just his friend and save what part of their relationship was left? Friendship. With Ivan. Always at her fingertips but never within reach and with no chance in hell he’d ever let her love him again. Unimaginable.

“Heads up!” a voice shouted as a soccer ball came whirling toward her like a black-and-white tornado. Ducking her head she let it whizz past, shooting a surprised look back at the kids.

“Sorry!” the same voice yelled again in a slightly embarrassed tone.

Just then the ball came whizzing back the other way and rolled to a stop in the sand at the players’ feet.

“Thanks, mister!” With a final shout and wave, they were back to their game.

“Don’t mention it,” a voice hollered back, and Jaden froze.

It was still a half hour before he was supposed to be here. Had he come to contemplate the same things she had? A shadowed silhouette formed on the sand in front of her—a shadow with wild hair blowing in the breeze. The presence of someone who, even in shadow, made her heart skip a beat.

She turned and looked up at the man who stood behind her, his features darkened by the sunlight streaming around him. He wore sunglasses, and the wind plastered his white T-shirt to his body.

“Hello, Jaden.”

Her mind might have been too foggy to react, but her body took complete control. She shot up from the sand and wrapped her arms around his neck, embracing him as if he might run away. His scent tantalized her, inspiring memories of beautiful moments they’d spent together.

“Hi,” she managed to whisper as she released him.

“I see you beat me here.”

“Yes, I did, and you’re early.” She could feel the tears beginning to build.

“You know I’m always early.”

“I know, I know.” She gave him a shrug and a smile. “Some things never change.”

He sighed and turned to gaze out over the water.

She kicked at the sand, took an unsteady breath, and gave him time. When he finally looked back at her, his sunglasses hid whatever was brewing behind his eyes, but her stomach still flipped.

“Want to sit down?” He motioned to the sand.

She took in a deep breath and blew it out. “Okay.”

Offering his hand, he helped her sit. He took his place next to her but left enough distance between them to avoid any chance for misinterpretation. They each folded their arms under their knees and looked out into the Atlantic.

“So what’s new, babe? How are you?”

His question burned her ego and diluted their history all at once.

“Ivan.” Suddenly her strategy was clear. “Don’t do that to me. Don’t give me some facade like it’s all okay. I want you to talk to me without your bullshit, it’s-all-okay-because-I’m a-nice-guy act. Something is going on with us. We have a ton to talk about, and I’d like to do that.”

He said nothing for a moment. Then sighed. “What?”

“I want you to talk to me like what I did to you mattered. Be pissed at me—be furious with me—but don’t be indifferent. I don’t want you to diffuse the situation with humor. Be mad for once in your life! But talk to me. I’ve made mistakes, but I deserve that.” The words boiled out from a place in her she didn’t know existed.

Removing his sunglasses, he tilted his head and did as she asked. “Okay. Do you want me to tell you I hate who I’ve become since we broke up? That I’ve done things to get over you that I never thought I was capable of and I’m disgusted with myself for living that way?”

Jaden opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it again.

“Or how about the fact that no matter how much of myself I devoted to you—no! fuck it!—to us, no matter that I always had the best for you in mind, that wasn’t worth any more to you than a goddamn drunken
failed
tryst with a person you claimed to hate. And yet you couldn’t stay away from him! And months later, even after all the shit hit the fan, you couldn’t resist the opportunity to promote yourself by taking a flirty, sexy picture with him right here in
my
town where you knew I’d be sure to see it? Being famous is obviously way more important to you than your self respect, or any respect you might have had for me. Which of these options, Jaden?” He paused, glaring at her in a way he had never before. “Which one would you like me to start with? Please pick.”

She sat stunned—stunned that he’d taken her up on truly expressing himself, and stunned at the things he had said. Certainly nothing could justify her mistakes and the ways she’d hurt him, but what did he mean she had no self respect? Did he have any idea how hard she’d worked and what a ridiculously high-pressure business television had turned out to be? Didn’t he remember how his own career had demanded more and more of his attention just when she needed him most? Perhaps he didn’t. Of course he didn’t, because he’d refused to talk to her for months! But still, her heart cracked wide open for him. He was so obviously in pain. “Ivan, I—”

He didn’t let her finish, just resumed his heartbroken tirade. That seemed to be what he needed. To get it all out. She could do that for him.

“You know, all you had to do was be honest,” he spat. “Is that
so
hard? I told you that from the beginning. Honesty is all I need to make a relationship work—even from a distance. I should have learned my lesson the first time, but never in a million years did I think I’d repeat that history with you. The same freaking story—word for word, if you can believe it, which kind of makes me King of the Hopeless, doesn’t it?” He shook his head miserably. “Let me guess, you started to wonder…
What’s he doing? Is he being faithful? Am I missing out on life?”

Jaden tried again. “Ivan, yes, I—”

“Don’t get me wrong, those are all good arguments, but I thought you were above that,” he continued, cutting her off again. “I thought I’d proved at least my loyalty to you. I thought after everything we’d shared—my God, after Napa and our conversation in the vineyard?—that you could come to me. Would it have been that awful, Jaden? Would it be so goddamn scary to say, ‘Hey, I’m not feeling so good about this right now, and I need you to tell me I’m a nut job.’ Maybe it is my fault, I don’t know. But the grass is always going to be greener, you know? I think maybe you’re not the kind of person you seemed to be.”

Finally seeming spent, he turned away from her to stare into the ocean.

Jaden took a breath and searched for where to begin. “Ivan—”

“I’m not finished,” he snapped.

She blinked back at him, tears of sadness and frustration now flowing down her cheeks.

His tone downshifted a notch. “Why couldn’t you have been honest with me? Told me what happened? Told me before we had sex in Colorado? And please know that I know you and Damian
didn’t
have sex. I know the whole story. I know more than I think even you know.”

Her eyes widened. “How?”

“It’s never fun listening to another man talk about manipulating someone you love. Especially him.” He dropped his head and shook it.

“Ivan, I wanted to tell you. I don’t know why I didn’t. I was just so scared of losing you. I felt like I was losing myself, and I couldn’t bear to risk you too.”

“You not telling me is exactly why you lost me. Sure, if you had come to me and told me you made a drunken mistake, I would have been furious. But, I loved you enough that we could have worked through it over time. That would have shown me you were committed to making things right. Shit happens. Trust me, I get it. The fact that you hid it is what breaks me.”

The tears increased as the whole horrid mess with Damian washed over her again. They sat silently together until she sighed.

“I mean, God—
Damian
of all people!” he said, rolling his eyes dramatically. “I didn’t know you were in to the feminine bad boy type.” He poked her in the ribs, eliciting a sad, half-hearted giggle.

“Shut up, you ass,” she managed, still struggling to collect herself. She wiped the back of her hand across her cheeks and took a deep breath. “About that night—”

“Stop. I know, Jaden. I know the whole thing. I heard it from the devil’s lips himself. I don’t need to hear it again. So please don’t. I’ve had enough for one day. You have no idea.”

“What do you mean?”

“It isn’t important. Look, I get it, though. Trust me. New city, different people, the world at your feet—it can be a crazy situation. I’m guessing thoughts of what I might be doing out here, as well as what you weren’t doing there helped fuel the fire that led to everything going up in flames. I swear, word for word, scene for scene, it’s the same story I lived with Irena. This is why I was so convinced about not doing the long-distance thing. It’s okay at first, but it eats away at your confidence in yourself and the relationship until there’s a tipping point. It took me forever to even want to think about who she was again. But surprisingly…”

Ivan paused, almost as if he were trying to figure out what to say or not say. “Surprisingly, here I am, sitting here with you, and so soon after such a disastrous end. I hope you can see how hard this is for me. What I became after you was something I never wanted to be.”

“But I’m not her,” Jaden said softly, unsure of what his hesitation hinted at. “I know you don’t want to relive it, but if you’d just let me talk to you about what happened…You do understand a great deal of it—it’s amazing how well you know me—but you don’t know everything about me. I can tell you don’t because you left the other morning without even a word.”

He sighed, and after a moment she felt his hand begin to rub her back. “I wish I felt differently, but I have to protect myself.”

“You won’t have me,” she sobbed while staring at the sand.

“Jaden.” He lifted her chin. “I wish like hell I could. You pulled a trigger on my heart, and it has taken everything I have to recover from it. I’m just now getting back to where I was before I met you, and I fear I’ll never ever be the man I was with you, and that kills me. But I can’t risk you pulling the trigger again. It would end me…I just can’t.”

She looked up at him through tear-blurred eyes. “This can’t be what you want.”

“For now, Jaden, it is.”

She looked down at the sand again, and in that moment, something shifted inside her. The gaping wound of her need for him began to knit itself together. It would be a magnificent scar, but it was time to give him what he’d asked for—time to heal. “Just please know, I am so sorry. I never imagined any of this happening to us.”

“Please don’t, Jaden. I know that you’re sorry. I’m working through it, as are you.”

He took her hand for a moment and gave her a sad smile. The smell of the sea air mixed with his scent and imprinted itself on her senses. She would long remember this day—the day her destiny had changed, whether she believed they belonged together or not.

“So that’s it?” she murmured.

“Jaden, nothing is over. It’s just changed. What we had was special, and it’s ours forever.”

He moved his hands to her cheeks and looked into her eyes. “Don’t cry because it’s over…” He brought his lips to hers ever so softly, and they shared their final taste—the end of a voyage that had taken them from the beaches of Miami to the backwoods of Pennsylvania to the mountains of Colorado.

As their last kiss broke, she finished his sentence. “Smile because it happened.”

Chapter 23

“Soul to Squeeze”

J
ADEN
S
PENT
T
HE
F
IRST
C
OUPLE
O
F
P
OST
-T
ALK
D
AYS
in ugly, oversized clothes, holed up in her apartment, surviving on crappy Chinese takeout and wine. She didn’t answer her phone when it rang, but managed to peck out text replies when she wasn’t being held hostage by bad reality TV. Sure, she could have changed the channel, but that would have required her to give a shit, and lying brokenhearted and comatose on the couch in a lo-mein haze, she didn’t. Then on the third day, she shed the sad clothes, took a shower, and pulled herself together.