The Winter Wedding (13 page)

I said goodbye, and put down the phone. My heart was thudding hard.

The next day at work, I arrived to an overflowing in-tray. Emma must’ve worked late the previous night – and work for Emma tended to consist of shifting things from
her own desk onto mine. I sipped my coffee and sifted through the documents, working out what was most pressing.

None of it bothered me – nothing was going to kill my buzz today. I had the bubble of a secret inside me. Two in fact. I was meeting my sister at lunchtime to hear all about her honeymoon
– I’d got her text late last night:

And then the other reason. The one I couldn’t stop thinking about. The fact that Sam and I were talking again. More than that – he was coming to visit.

‘Psst,’ I hissed at Josh. He glanced over at me and smiled. I nodded towards the kitchen, and he took out his headphones and came over to my desk.

‘Coffee?’

‘Yes. You’ve got five minutes, right?’

‘Nothing’s that urgent today,’ he said. ‘Or at least, no more than usual.’

In the kitchen I filled both our mugs, and leaned back against the kitchen counter.

‘What’s that smile on your face?’ Josh asked.

‘I had an interesting phonecall last night.’

‘Really. How quaint. Who even has phonecalls these days?’

I shrugged. ‘It is a bit retro, I guess.’

‘So who was it?’

‘A friend.’

‘Holding your cards close to your chest as ever, then, Hazel.’

‘Yes. For now at least. Anyway, how are you and Sarah doing?’

‘We’re all right. On the rare occasions we’re actually together, that is.’

‘Where is she now?’

‘Spain. Up a mountain somewhere.’

‘Any reason?’

‘Sarah doesn’t need a reason.’ There was a slight weariness in his voice when he spoke about her – one I hadn’t heard before.

‘You OK with that?’

‘I have to be OK with it, Haze. I don’t want to feel like I’m trapping her. It’s just – it’s difficult sometimes. We were meant to be seeing my sister’s
new baby this weekend . . . I know Sarah’s not that into babies, but this is family and . . .’

‘And she just went on holiday without warning you?’

I hadn’t meant it to sound so judgmental, but it came out that way.

‘It’s what she does.’ His tone was a little defensive.

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’

‘Don’t worry. You’re not the first. She says she doesn’t want to be tied down,’ Josh said. ‘But then every so often, after she’s had a few drinks . . .
she does say maybe more security would help.’

‘Right,’ I said. ‘I don’t think I really understand where she’s coming from.’ Maybe I’d be able to, if Josh was a commitmentphobe, but he’d never
struck me as one. ‘It all sounds a bit confusing.’

‘It is,’ Josh said, simply. ‘It is. And after all this time together, I haven’t come any closer to working out how to handle it. I just wait for the phase to pass, and it
usually does.’

I left the office at one, and headed straight over to the green to see Lila. Her rehearsals at Sadler’s Wells – which she’d gone straight back into on
returning from her honeymoon – were only a short walk away.

I couldn’t wait to see her, and to hear how the honeymoon had gone. Not that I wanted ALL the details . . . but it was unusual for us to have a week like this, where no information was
shared, where we were in the dark about one another’s lives, and I wanted to rectify that.

Last night I’d packed a hamper with sandwiches, grapes and sausage rolls, Bakewell tarts and ginger ale and brought it into work with me. I crossed the green, my iPod earphones in and a
soundtrack of rare groove bringing out the golden summery highlights in the late August day. We would fend off autumn for as long as we could.

I laid out a rug under the willow tree that had become our regular place since she moved out and we had begun to need one. A moment later I saw her approaching through the grass, denim dungarees
and a white t-shirt on, her long blonde hair in a loose side plait. We hugged hello. I pressed my cheek against hers, wanting to feel, for certain, that she was really her, that she was really
back.

‘You’re doing that thing,’ she whispered.

‘I am not.’

‘You’re squeezing my face with your face.’ She pulled away and wrinkled her nose, then smiled.

‘I missed you, that’s all.’

‘I missed you too. Probably not as much, but a bit.’ She laughed, and so did I. Because it was true. And because that was OK.

‘How was it?’

‘Incredible,’ Lila said, dreamily. She sat back on the rug, and picked off a grape. ‘ We had a lovely hotel, and spent most of our time there, or schmoozing around art
galleries. It was so nice to spend time together without work to think of, and with all of the memories of the wedding still so fresh in our minds. I think it’s all I talked about for the
first couple of days, at least.’

‘Sounds lovely,’ I said. There was a pretty glow in her cheeks, and her eyes were bright again.

‘Thanks again for everything you did on the wedding. It was amazing. The most perfect day ever.’

‘Good,’ I said. ‘I’m happy to hear you thought that.’

‘And I gather you’ve got more wedding planning to come?’

‘Yes,’ I said, eager to share the news with her. ‘I met with Eliot and Gemma and we talked through their initial ideas for the wedding.’

‘Don’t tell me – big, lavish, decadent, loud?’

I laughed. ‘Yes. And sparkly. Very sparkly.’

‘Ooh, nice. I love the idea of a winter wedding.’

‘Yes – it’ll be completely different from yours, obviously, which will be interesting.’

‘Not to mention those two will have quadruple the budget, I’m sure.’ She caught herself. ‘Not that I’m envious – honest,’ she smiled. ‘Just
stating facts – both Eliot and Gemma are total hotshots in the city, in case they were too modest to mention that.’

‘They didn’t spell it out, but I got the impression that money wasn’t really an object.’

‘Brilliant news for you, of course. You’ll be able to do whatever you want. Castles, snow machines, the works!’

‘Yes. I’m looking forward to it.’

The previous night I’d started work on a set modelled on a room at Castle Belvedere, with snow-dusted decorative branches and fairy lights giving the venue a wintery, but cosy, feel.

‘So – what else is new?’ Lila asked.

‘I got a call last night.’

‘Sam,’ Lila said, a mischievous grin forming.

I nodded.

‘I thought something was going on when you guys were talking at the wedding.’

I shrugged, feeling embarrassed now, sure that I was making a big deal out of something that would most likely turn out to be nothing.

‘He’s finally figured it out. I knew it!’

‘It’s not like that. I’m just hoping we can get back to how things were. He’s coming to stay this weekend – as a friend, of course.’

‘Of course,’ Lila said, unconvinced.

‘I thought there was a connection at the wedding, when we spoke again. Perhaps this is what we needed, a bit of time and space apart.’

‘Maybe he had a bit of growing up to do,’ Lila said. ‘It’s the only excuse, surely, for not being able to see that he should be with you.’

I gave her a nudge. ‘Don’t. And anyway, stop playing the sage. You’ve only been married five minutes, you know.’

‘Oh God. Am I acting like a know-it-all? I didn’t mean to . . . you know I haven’t got the first clue about love, apart from knowing that I didn’t want to let Ollie go.
But you and Sam – any fool can see you two should be together.’

I shook my head. I wasn’t sure I was ready to go there again, even in my mind.

‘Enough about me. How about you?’ I asked. ‘Are you feeling OK about everything, I mean what we talked about before the wedding?’

Lila nodded, and I could tell she was steeling herself. ‘I’m not going to bury my head in the sand about it. I’ve been to see my GP. She said we should just try as normal, but
she can refer me to a specialist if I want. Ollie’s going to come with me.’

‘That’s good,’ I said. ‘I hope it goes well.’

She smiled, and gave a resigned little shrug. ‘What will be will be, I guess. But Ollie and I are happy together, and that’s what matters.’

I rearranged the photos on my dresser, and tidied the cushions on my bed for the dozenth time – putting the one with the fox design on top. My mind had been buzzing for
the last couple of hours. Imagining what it would be like to see Sam again, properly, like this, and hoping that I would be able to hide my feelings somehow.

I checked the clock – 7 p.m. He was due any minute. I felt as if I was a teenager again, as if I’d learned nothing between then and now that would equip me for this . . . whatever it
was – encounter.

Amber put her head around my bedroom door. ‘Still waiting?’

‘I’m not waiting,’ I said. ‘I’m just here, in my home, and my friend’s about to arrive. I’m not exactly going to go anywhere, am I?’

‘OK, touchy,’ Amber said.

She was right, I’d overreacted. I was blowing this whole thing way out of proportion already. ‘I’m sorry. What was it you wanted to say?’

‘I’ve thrown together some chilli con carne, and made a massive batch, so I just wondered if you guys wanted to join me.’

Perhaps Sam and I could go out after dinner, instead. ‘That would be great,’ I said.

The doorbell rang, and my heart jumped a little. I glanced over to the mirror and gave my appearance a final check, then headed downstairs.

‘Hey you,’ Sam said, as I answered the door. He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. I hugged him and took in the familiar scent, coconut.

‘Come on in,’ I said.

He had a sports bag slung over his shoulder, and brought that up with him.

‘Do you fancy having dinner here first? I mean, I know you probably want to get out and see some of east London, but Amber’s cooked and . . .’

‘Eating in would be great. We’ve got plenty of time to explore.’

‘Cool,’ I said. I was acting weird, and I couldn’t stop it. It felt like the harder I tried to act just like I always had with Sam, the more I ended up stumbling over my words.
We went into the flat and Amber was standing in the kitchen.

‘Amber, Sam, Sam, Amber,’ I said quickly. ‘You guys remember each other from Lila’s wedding, right?’

‘Yeah, I think we met,’ Sam said, nonchalant to the point of being slightly off-hand. I looked over at Amber, hoping she wouldn’t take it the wrong way.

‘Sam!’ Amber said. ‘Yes, of course we did.’ She smiled brightly in welcome, combating his reserved manner with cheer. Good old Amber, I thought. It would take more than a
little unfriendliness to dent her positivity.

‘I hope you’re hungry,’ she went on. ‘I’ve made the most enormous vat of chilli, and I’m certainly not going to be able to eat it all myself. Or at least I
think I probably shouldn’t.’

He looked into the pot curiously, and smiled his appreciation. ‘Smells good,’ he said.

‘Beer?’ I asked. They both nodded, and I got three cold Tiger beers from the fridge and cracked them open.

‘Your bed for tonight,’ I said, pointing over at the sofa.

‘Cool,’ he said, chucking his bag down on it.

Half an hour later, the three of us were sitting around the kitchen table, and Sam was filling Amber in on some of the old times we’d shared.

‘Did I ever mention that she was a brilliant skateboarder?’ Sam said.

‘No,’ Amber said, laughing. ‘I had no idea. Hazel – you really are a woman of many talents.’

‘Oh, haven’t skated for years,’ I said, thinking of the battered skateboard that was now gathering dust in the cottage attic. ‘But that was how Sam and I got to be
friends. There wasn’t that much to do in our area, growing up – but what there was was a skate park, and we got chatting there one day.’

‘She made a welcome change from all the testosterone,’ Sam said, smiling at me.

‘Nice that you guys share so much history,’ Amber said.

I was relieved that the tension between Sam and Amber that had been there right at the start seemed to have eased now. It had always been a bit weird introducing him to new people; he had a
tendency to come across as arrogant, but I knew that deep down it was shyness, and that was just one of the things I really liked about him – that I felt I knew him better than anyone else
could.

‘So,’ I said, finishing my last forkful of chilli and putting the cutlery back on my plate. ‘That was delicious, Amber, thank you.’

‘Fantastic,’ Sam said.

‘Thank you. It’s always nicer when I have people to cook for.’

‘So what’s next?’ Sam said. ‘Shall we all head out?’

All.
Of course. Of course we would all head out, I thought to myself. ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘You’re free this evening, right, Amber?’

‘Yes, sure,’ she said, slightly awkwardly, looking to me to confirm that it was OK if she joined us. Of course it was. It was great in fact. Amber and Sam seemed to be getting along
well. I had – if I was honest – kind of hoped that Sam and I might get a chance to be alone, to make sure there was no awkward feeling lingering. But we could do that another day, I
guess. I pushed the feeling of disappointment aside, and put on a bright expression.

‘Great. Shall we go to the canal boat for cocktails?’ I suggested.

We found a table on the canal boat deck, and Sam brought over our drinks. The sun was low in the sky now, but it was still warm.

‘So did Hazel tell you about her new venture?’ Amber asked.

I felt my face grow hot and hoped it didn’t show. ‘It’s not really that.’

‘She’s already had one request in, to plan someone’s wedding.’

‘You’re moonlighting as a wedding planner now?’ Sam said, his eyebrow raised. ‘I thought you liked your job, H?’

‘I do.’ I felt silly and small all of a sudden, as if I was a frivolous teenager who couldn’t quite make up her mind. ‘I just kind of fell into it, I suppose.’

‘Not really,’ Amber said. ‘You wanted to do it. You could have said no.’

She was right, of course. I just had a feeling he found the whole wedding thing a bit – well, silly. And so I found myself apologising for it.