The Worst Romance Novel Ever Written (42 page)

“
I could say it, too, but it wouldn’t be the truth.”

I’m glad this is a small house. I won’t have such a long exit.
He sighed. “You’re still not sure of me, are you?”

Right.
“I’m not sure of anything right now.”

“
After all this time.” Johnny turned away. “What can I do to make you surer of me?”

How did we even start talking about this mess? I was going to read the story, and then we were going to cuddle, and now this …
“I don’t know, Johnny. I just don’t know.”

Johnny touched the ring in his pocket. “Let me know when you find out, okay?” He left the living room, where he had been dying, for the hall closet, opening the door and grabbing his coat.

“
You’re leaving?” Gloria asked.

“
Yeah.” He put on his coat.

“
But you just got here.”

I don’t know if I was ever truly here.
“I, um, I’d rather be
a-low-un,
if you don’t mind.”
And I’ll try not to leave too many pieces of my broken heart behind for you to step on.

Gloria stood in front of the door. “Johnny.”

Johnny looked at her feet. “I’ll see you.”

Gloria ducked down to catch his eyes. “Johnny.”

Johnny looked at her right elbow. “Gotta go, Gloria.”

Gloria stepped aside.

Johnny opened the door, stepped onto the porch, and closed the door behind him.

He drove home, turned off all the lights, got a sheet, disconnected his apartment phone, sat in their corner, and tried not to sleep for fear of dreaming.

He listened to his cell phone ring, vibrate, and beep until the battery died.

He decided not to recharge it.

29

On a windy, cold Thursday in late January, a tall, light-skinned Frenchman with long wavy dark hair stopped his Toyota Prius Hybrid in front of a small white house with black shutters, hopeful that he had at last found the right address. Today, Paul planned to reintroduce himself to the American woman named Gloria, whom he had met at a Richmond bar then left in a rush to find fame.

Paul Leffel had spent the last five fabulous years in various archaeological hotspots around the globe. He had helped solve the maritime hypothesis in Caral, Peru, the oldest city in the Americas. He had helped prove that Caral’s inhabitants had eaten sardines, anchovies, and clams some fifteen miles inland from the Pacific. He had been one of the few non-Egyptians to help excavate Queen Sesheset’s tomb, the last Egyptian queen ever discovered, in Saqqara, Egypt. He had even spent twelve days wiping ancient dust from a four-foot-high wooden statue of Anubus, god of the dead and guardian of tombs, with a tiny 00 paintbrush.

His feet felt light as he skipped up the stairs and knocked on the door, his rapping causing a festive wreath to bounce against the door.

An old woman opened the door and peered up at him. “Who’re you?”

“
I am Paul Leffel,” he said. “Is this the residence of Gloria Minnick?”

So this is Paul,
Marion thought.
Where’d he get all that hair? It’s longer than mine! Rez-ee-dense? Min-eek? He didn’t even get her name right.
“It might be. What you want?”

“
Is Gloria at home?”

Yeah. She’s upstairs right now hopefully sleeping but probably still blubbering about the man she let walk out of here a couple weeks ago.
Marion looked Paul over more closely.
Handsome devil. Only medium-sized hands, though. Are those real shoes? They have to be part of some costume.

“
Is Gloria at home?” Paul repeated.

Angel will be thrilled, but will Gloria? Who knows? I thought I knew that child better than anyone on earth. I’m getting tired of buying Kleenex, so …

“
I’m Gloria’s mama. What you want?”

Paul smiled.

That’s a lot of teeth,
Marion thought.
No wonder Angel is going to need braces. She couldn’t possibly fit all those teeth in her little mouth.

“
I have been in South America and Egypt for some time, and now I teach at Virginia Tech. I am living in Christiansburg. Gloria has not married?”

Mare-eed? Pushy Frenchman, asking that! I could tell him she used to wear this little black rubber band, but I found it on the bathroom floor the morning after she lost her mind and lost Johnny. Heifer could have been engaged a month ago, but Johnny never got around to popping the question. I was about to go on down the stairs and ask her for him. That would have been something. Johnny and I could have tag-teamed Gloria into the only right answer, and then we could have started packing boxes—

“
Um, Gloria has not married?” Paul asked again.

I can see why she slept with this man. He’s right handsome, even sexy.
“She’s out.”

Paul blinked. “But this is her house?”

“
It’s my house.”

Paul blinked several times. “Oh. But Gloria lives here in this house?”

“
She might.”

Paul smiled again.

Marion shielded her eyes from the radiance.

“
I am so happy to know this,” Paul said. “When would be a better time to call?”

Never? Angel has to meet her daddy eventually. I could tell
heem
the wrong time and keep
heem
coming over for weeks. But then I’d have to talk to
heem
and all his hair and teeth again.
“You got a phone number?”

Paul handed Marion a card. “It has all my phone numbers on it.”

Marion read the card, an official Virginia Tech seal embossed upon it. “Associate Professor of Geography. That a real job?”

Paul nodded. “Oh yes.”

“
A real job. With benefits and everything?”

“
Yes.”

With benefits and everything. Shoot. His home address has an apartment number. Doesn’t anyone own a house anymore?

“
Gloria and I,” Paul said, “have, as they say, a lot of catching up to do.”

Marion nodded.
You and Angel, as they say, have five years of catching up to do. And if I let Gloria know you’re back, there will be some catching hell to do, too.
Marion smiled. “I’ll have her call you.”

“
Okay.” Paul didn’t move.

Marion started to close the door. “Wait for her call, okay?”

“
Okay.” Paul still didn’t move.

“
You can go now,” Marion said.

“
Oh yes,” Paul said. “I go.”

Marion watched Paul leave, happy that his little car made barely a whisper.
I’m surprised Gloria didn’t hear
heem
or see the blinding flash of his teeth. Bet he gets them professionally whitened.
She stared at the card.
Now what? I could forget to give this card to Gloria. I could just toss it, and she’ll never be the wiser. Paul would eventually get the message.

Marion went to the kitchen and poured herself a full cup of coffee, no sugar or cream.
Nah. He’s French and naturally pushy. Gloria would have to tell him to his face that she wasn’t interested. She’d also have to tell him he owed her five years of child support. What would that add up to? Even at, oh, $300 a month, that would be … a lot of nice money … for a down payment on another house … maybe a car …

Marion sighed.
I guess I could just give the card to Gloria and see what she does. This place hasn’t been nearly as lively without Johnny and his crazy stories. I couldn’t listen to “Home for the Holidays” without thinking of him. I’ve been liking all this drama.

She took a sip.
Gloria saying she doesn’t love Johnny is pure crap. She just doesn’t know what was obvious to Johnny and me. But if she jumps for Paul and all that hair and all those teeth, that will cinch it for everyone, I guess. And then … then maybe I could get my house back, could sleep in, could even go on a date every now and again.

She looked up.
Sorry, Nathan. I been lonely, you know?

Marion let the cup warm her hands.
I got a lot of responsibility for an old lady. This little card is going to change a few lives.
She wrote Paul’s numbers on an old grocery receipt and slipped it into her purse.
Might come in handy some day, might not.

She stood.
Johnny, I love you, but I have to do this.

Marion carried the card upstairs to Gloria’s room, knocking once and entering. She shook Gloria awake. “A man called for you.”

“
Johnny?” Gloria asked. “He came over?” She swung her legs out of bed. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Marion handed Paul’s card to Gloria. “I think you might know
heem
.”

Holy … crap,
Gloria thought.
Paul has been here? Today? And he’s at Tech? Wait. He’s been at Tech for at least a semester, which means he’s been there at least since August and he waits till January to find me? What was he waiting so long for?

Marion sat on the bed. “Paul drives a quiet car, doesn’t smell like pizza, has long hair and too many teeth, and he might even have a checking account.”

“
Mama, why didn’t you wake me up when he was here?”

Marion shrugged. “You needed your sleep, and I thought you might want to think about it first.”

“
Think about what?”
Oh my God!
“Did Angel see him?”

“
She’s at school. It’s only Thursday.” Marion yawned.

I have lost so much track of time these past few weeks!
“Why didn’t you wake me up so I could see her off?” Gloria asked.

“
You needed your sleep,” Marion said. “You have more circles under your eyes than the circus.”

Gloria didn’t disagree.

“
Oh, it was hard as the dickens to get Angel going this morning, let me tell you. I’ll bet she was up all night reading. Again.” Marion yawned again.
Which reminds me. I need to get that child more AA batteries for her flashlight.
“Now I need a nap. I have had a very busy morning.” She got off Gloria’s bed and walked out of the room to her own.

Gloria followed. “What do I have to think about, Mama?”

Marion crawled into bed and pulled the covers to her chin. “Man was handsome, Gloria. He had sex appeal. Great smile. Angel’s smile. Well-dressed, too. His clothes matched. Shiny shoes. Dress pants. Tie.”

Gloria sat on the edge of Marion’s bed, the card still in front of her eyes. “What am I going to do?”

Marion yawned again, this time loudly. “Oh, the right thing, I’m sure. Shh. Got to get my rest. Shut the door on your way out.”

“
But Mama, what—”

Marion bolted up in bed. “You can’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about this moment for five years.”

“
It has crossed my mind, but—”

“
Crossed your mind?” Marion interrupted. “Girl, you should have had all this stuff memorized by now.” She tried to pull her hair down to her shoulders, but it kept springing up.

“
What are you trying to do, Mama?”

“
I’m trying to look like Paul so you can practice.”

“
Practice what?”

Marion looked at the ceiling. “Nathan, can you believe this child?” She looked at Gloria. “Imagine I’m Paul only with a lot fewer teeth and hair down to my shoulders. I ain’t doing his accent either. Hello, Gloria. Long time no see. I’ve been out gallivanting around the planet for five years. And you?”