The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (366 page)

He kissed the top of my head and whispered, "Forever."

****

P
resent

When Dean whispered into my ear
forever
, I had no idea it would end so soon. I had drifted off into the past while sitting in the waiting room chair listening to his friends' banter lessen. Turner came over to check on me.

"How are you doing?" he asked as he sat in the chair next to me.

"Not good. How about you?"

"Not good."

I found myself comforting him. I put my hand on his. "We'll get through this together."

"Things like this happen in our line of work, but you never imagine it happening to someone you're close to."

"He's going to get through this, Turner. He loves us too much not to fight the hardest he has ever fought before. He loves his kids too much. He'll fight until the very end. He will fight."

The doctor came to give us an update. He was carrying a large manila envelope in his hand. He sat in a chair beside us, which to me, was never a good sign.

"So, there haven't been any changes. He's still in a coma and not breathing on his own. We managed to set all the broken bones. The PET scan came back."

He pulled a large photo out of the envelope and handed it to me. It was a picture of a brain with various colors of the rainbow, including black and grey. It almost looked like a kid had gotten into the paint and splattered the page. There was a fair amount of blue and small areas of grey and black. Yellow and green filled the other areas, but the blue definitely dominated.

"That's Dean's scan," he said as he pulled out another photo and handed it to me. "That is a normal scan."

"Oh my God." I couldn't hold back the pain in my chest. The tears dropped slowly. On the normal scan, the perimeter of the brain was bright red, orange and yellow. As you traveled to the center, the colors were green, some blue, and a little purple. I understood why he chose to show me these rather than try to explain it, but this was almost too surreal for me to absorb. I dropped the scans onto the floor and ran out of the waiting room.

I didn't know where I was going to run to, but I needed to run. I found the door marked "Stairwell". I yanked open the heavy door and chose to run up rather than down. I burst through to the roof after climbing three flights. The sun had gone down, and the breeze had kicked up again. The night was clear and the air crisp. There was a running track up here for the staff to stay fit, since they practically lived here. I thought about running on it, but instead, headed for the ledge in the far corner.

I leaned over the low-lying wall and looked at the ground. Below I could still make out everything, so it wasn't that high, but high enough to kill someone if they jumped. I considered that for a moment, but then my kids' faces entered my mind. They were about to lose their father. They couldn't lose us both.

No, I would survive for them. Be strong for them. But for now, I would mourn in my own private hell, and hopefully, come out of this in one piece. I couldn't help Dean now. All I wanted to do was cry, yell, and curse the world for taking away my heart, the one organ that controlled my blood flow and my emotional stability. I sat up against the ledge with my head in my knees and cried for the loss of my other half. Someone I had betrayed only days earlier and whom I had re-vowed my love for only hours ago.

College Years

Dean and I fell easily back into a relationship routine. We were getting ready to move out. Our new apartment was cozy to put it nicely, so all of us had to eliminate a lot of things. Kylie had agreed to Dean moving in with us. It was a little awkward, but I figured we were all having a fresh start. Dean was helping me pack since it took him all of two hours to pack his stuff.

"Len, what's this?"

I was mortified to see him holding the shoebox full of letters and pictures from Braedyn. As he rifled through it, his expression became bleaker.

"No, really, Len. What the fuck is this?"

"Can you please stop going through that?" I asked as I tried to grab it from him. This was going to get ugly.

"Not until you tell me what this is!" he yelled.

"It's a box full of letters and pictures, Dean. What does it look like?" I could yell, too.

"These are all from one person. From
my
friend."

He threw the box onto the floor, spilling its contents. A picture of Braedyn and me embracing and smiling at the camera fell right at his feet.
Of course.

He picked it up and waved it at me.

"Is this what you were doing when we broke up, or was this during?"

"Are you kidding me right now? I never cheated on you, Dean. You were the cheater, remember?" I immediately regretted saying that.

"So much for being past that," he said coldly as he flung the picture at my feet and stormed out of my room. I was paralyzed for a few moments and then chased after him. He'd made it to his car.

"Dean, wait. I'm sorry," I pleaded with him.

"For what, Lennox? For bringing up the past or for sleeping with my friend?"

That stung, and I didn't know how to answer because it was the truth, only one I wasn't ready to admit.

"Nice, Len. I don't want to know what happened, but having a box full of love letters and pictures from him still isn't right."

He got into his car, slammed the door, and sped off. I didn't know how to feel. I should have thrown that stuff away when we got back together and I tried, but I couldn't. I wasn't ready to let go of Braedyn yet. Dean had a right to be mad at me. I just didn't know what the anger and betrayal would do to us now. Our relationship has had so many ups and downs that it would break irreparably soon, but I didn't know how to mend this. I was in the wrong.

****

I
t was moving day and I hadn't heard from Dean, and he wasn't returning my phone calls. I was worried I had ruined things permanently this time. I followed Kylie the two hours to our new apartment in downtown Long Beach. The trip consisted of loud music and a lot of dazing. Thank God I wasn't leading because we would have probably ended up lost in the middle of the desert.

We got there just before lunch, so we unpacked the cars quickly so we could go eat. The last thing I brought in was a box that contained my journals and the shoebox. I knew I should have left it at my parents' house, but I thought when I was ready I could dispose of it, but before I could do that, I needed to read through the letters one last time. It was my process.

When I got into the apartment, Kylie tackled me with a ginormous hug. It knocked me over, and everything spilled out of the box.

"Seriously, Ky, I know you're excited, but if you kill me, I can't pay rent."

"Sorry." She laughed.

She started cleaning up the mess when she came across the spilled shoebox.

"Is this what I think it is?"

"Yes, and now can you kindly leave it alone? It's personal." I grabbed a letter from her hand and shoved it back inside the box with the other things. I brought it into my bedroom and threw it onto the bed. Kylie followed me in.

"Do you miss him?"

"Which one?" I laughed sadly.

"Well, I was talking about Braedyn, but both I guess," she answered as she sat next to me on the bed.

"I know I should let him go, Ky, but we had something deeper than just a connection that I can't explain, and the way he left things so open... it still hurts like the day he vanished from my life."

"I'm not going to pretend to understand what you guys had, but if you want this to work with Dean, you have to find your closure. If that means burning all of this, then you need to do it."

"I know." I could feel the emptiness taking over my soul. "Will you do it with me?"

"Of course," she smiled sweetly.

****

W
e went to lunch and finished unpacking. The apartment came furnished, so we didn't have to buy much. Dean still hadn't shown up or called. I was starting to freak out. Kylie and I decided to light up the fireplace and burn the contents of my soul. We sat in front of the fire with the shoebox between us.

"You're doing the right thing, Lenny."

She rubbed my back for reassurance. "I know. It's just hard." She waited for me to be ready. I watched the orange flames crackle and glared at them. They were about to steal a huge part of me, and I hated them for it. I both despised and envied the fire at the same time. It didn't care what it consumed, but what consumed me would eat at me for the rest of my life, burning the fibers that kept me together until there was nothing left but an empty life.

"I'm ready." I just wanted to be done with it. I started with the pictures. At first, I only threw one in at a time and watched as the heat melted the coating and then burned it to ash, but then I started throwing them at the fire in piles. When it was time for the letters, I started with the one that meant the least to me and made my way through until the most important one was the only one left. I stared at it for a while.

"I don't know if I can do it, Kylie."

She got up.

"Where are you going?"

"I think you should do this one alone."

She kissed me on the head and went to her room and closed the door. I contemplated reading the letter and then burning it, but then I was afraid I wouldn't do it. I took a deep breath and braced for the final proof that anything that had existed between Braedyn and me would vanish like he had done. Someone knocked on the front door. I looked at the letter, and instead of tossing it into the fire, I shoved it under the couch cushion and answered the door. It was Dean with a duffel bag over one arm while balancing two boxes. I was pretty stunned, so I froze and didn't say a word.

"A little help?"

"Yeah, sorry." I grabbed the top box and held the door open with my foot. As he passed by me, he planted a forgiving kiss on my lips.

When he pulled away, his eyes penetrated my heart as he said, "What's in the past is in the past," and he walked to our room.

I felt like a little girl who just got her way after a temper tantrum in Target. I smiled sheepishly and walked down the hall after him.

****

P
resent

After I regained my composure, I left the roof and rejoined everyone in the waiting room. Kylie was sitting with Turner. She had a tissue in her hands, and her eyes were red. When she saw me, she tackled me, almost knocking me off my feet.

"Lenny, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." She sniffled.

I hugged her hard. I needed her, and she was here. "I'm sorry I didn't call you."

"Don't you dare," she said, grabbing my face in her hands. "Don't you dare apologize for anything. You hear me?"

I nodded and fell back into her arms and cried some more. Turner had called her and filled her in. She half-carried me back to my seat. There was a new set of faces there with the shift change, so they all took turns giving me their apologies. I refused to acknowledge them as condolences. Dean wasn't gone, and I would respect the fight he was undertaking to come back to us.

"After you left, the doctor finished telling me about Dean's prognosis."

I was very fortunate to have such an amazing support system behind me. Growing up, it seemed that when things went bad I was always alone, but now I had Kylie, Turner, and the whole department.

"I'm ready now." Uttering those words was always hard for me.

"He said that if Dean comes out of the coma..."

"When." Kylie jumped on his incorrect sentence.

"Sorry. Yes, when he wakes up, there are medications and therapies that can help increase his brain activity. It won't be easy, but the doctor said he can get better with support and hard work."

"Full recovery?" I asked.

"He said anything is possible."

Dean had made me promise when he got hired on the department that I would never let him live on a machine or live like a partial vegetable. He didn't want to put the kids and me through that, having to take care of him and be reminded of the accident every day of our lives. I agreed without thinking that it would ever be a possibility.

I regretted it now. I was selfish and wanted him any way I could as long as he didn't leave us. Kylie squeezed my hand in support.

"I'll be here every step of the way. You won't be alone in this."

"Thank you. Both of you."

The doctor came back.

"Mrs. Ashford, would you like to see him?"

I was scared. Of course, I wanted to see him, but he wouldn't look like he did when I kissed him goodbye at the station. He would be wrapped in casts, have a tube down his throat, and IVs coming out of his arms. I closed my eyes and tried to mentally prepare myself as much as possible. "Yes, please."

"I can come with you," Kylie offered.

"Thanks, hon, but I think I need to do this by myself."

She nodded and gave me an encouraging hug.

I stood up and walked quietly next to the doctor as we headed to Dean's room. It was late now, so the lights were dimmed and the nurses' station was quiet as they whispered, being careful not to wake their patients. I could feel their sorry eyes trail me as I entered Dean's room.

The curtain was pulled around his bed for privacy, not that he would know. I could hear several machines working to keep him alive. The doctor turned around and stopped me.

"Mrs. Ashford, I want you to understand that what you are about to see is going to be disturbing. His bruising is starting to set in, and he has several machines hooked up to him."

"You don't have to explain. I know it's going to be bad. Thank you, though."

"Would you like me to stay?"

It probably would have been wise for him to stay, but I asked him to leave anyway. "No, I'll be okay."

He moved around me and closed the door as he left. The light in the room was faint, and the room sterile aside from a giant bouquet of flowers. No doubt they were from the station. It was their usual tradition for injuries or births. I was terrified to go around the curtain, so I just stood there with my eyes closed and listened to the breathing machine go in and out. It was a very calming sound. Too bad it was attached to such an awful meaning.