The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (369 page)

I was starting to feel the familiar fog fill my head that hadn't visited for years. The panic was weighing on my chest, and my heart was aching. I didn't understand the emotions I was having over something I didn't even know if I wanted, but now that fate was trying to take away my option, I was suffocating.

"Lennox, are you okay?" He grabbed onto my shoulder gently.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said as I tried to shake it off until I was in the privacy of my own home. "I'll talk to Dean the next day he's home."

"Great and then schedule an appointment with the OB/GYN to discuss your options."

"Okay, thanks." I slid off the table and left the office in a daze.

As I drove home, I thought about what the doctor had said. If we waited, children might not be an option, if it even was now. There were no guarantees at this point. This was my punishment for the miscarriage. For getting pregnant when I was sixteen and then not taking care of myself to be able to care for the pregnancy.

Every mile I drove I could feel myself sinking deeper. I knew there was hell to pay when this one hit me. I was just hoping I could hold it off until I got home. At least there I could take a few pills to dissipate the sting a bit. Dean wouldn't be home for a few days, so I would be riding this one out alone.

Present

On my way back to the hospital, I couldn't stop thinking about baby Lily. It made me sad that she had no one. It made me miss my own kids. I wanted things to go on as normal for them as possible, so they were at school. I had planned on picking them up and spending the evening with them. I needed to tell them about Dean too before they found out at school. They were still so young that the likelihood was low, but I wanted to make sure they heard it from me. How much I was going to tell them was still to be determined.

I had an appointment with the head of neurology, Dean's doctor, as well as other specialists that had been caring for him. It was a little nerve-racking thinking about all those people in one room with just me. I thought about calling Turner or Kylie, but if things took a turn for the worse, I was going to have to learn to do things on my own. I wasn't a stranger to it since Dean was gone a lot, but not having him to consult with on bigger issues would be a learning experience. We had been together for so long that I took for granted how much I relied on him.

I was early, so I went by Dean's room. Nothing had changed, although his bruising was deepening. They had been treating the swelling with twenty-minute cold pack treatments every hour. It was hard to tell if it was helping, but I'm sure it was. I went over to the window and let the natural sunlight soak in the room. Dean always loved the outdoors. I removed the extra blanket from him and folded it and put it on the recliner. I wasn't sure what else I could do, so I just sat next to him as I had done yesterday and held his hand.

"I love you, Dean. Please come back to us." I watched his chest rise and fall with the help of the breathing machine.
What the fuck was it called
? I used to know. I still had twenty minutes before the meeting. I shuttered at the thought of hearing Dean's odds of recovery. It was as if hearing it from educated professionals could suck the hope right out of me. Medicine over faith, right?

"I won't give up hope, Dean. No matter what they say. I promise." That was a promise I knew I could keep, and I would.

I wandered into the hallway. I found myself taking the elevator back to the maternity floor. I stood in front of the viewing glass and watched as a nurse I didn't know sat in a rocking chair feeding a bottle to her. She looked up and smiled at me peculiarly. Nurses were always on alert for strange people hanging around the babies. It comforted me when I was a patient, but now it made me feel like a creeper.

"Can I help you?" a nurse asked behind me.

"I'm sorry. I used to be a patient here, so I know I shouldn't be here."

"Do you know Lily?" she inquired.

"My husband saved her life."

Recognition consumed her, and the suspicious look on her face turned to dejection.

"I'm so sorry. Everyone here knows what he did for her. He's a true hero."

"Thank you." I swallowed hard. She was a friendly nurse, a little older than me. She didn't have dark circles under her eyes like Julie, so she must have had many years on the job to get the coveted day shift.

"It's sad that she doesn't have any living relatives."

"Oh, they couldn't find
any
?" I looked back at Lily. The nurse was now changing her diaper.

"She has none."

"What's going to happen to her?"

"She'll be released in a few days to the social worker who will find a foster home for her. Don't worry though, honey. She's a baby. There is a long list of couples who want to adopt babies. She'll go to a good home."

Sadness filled my heart. I couldn't help but feel connected to Lily. In a few days, she would be gone and she would never know how precious her life actually was. "I need to get back upstairs. Would it be okay if I visited her again before she's released?"

"Sure, honey. I'll let the staff know."

I dreaded the next thirty minutes of the day.

When I got back to his room, there were a handful of doctors I didn't recognize and then Dr. Cole. I smiled at him as I took a seat next to Dean and grabbed his hand.

All the doctors took turns telling me what their role was. They were extremely professional and caring. They told me that physically Dean should have a full recovery after some physical therapy. Some injuries required surgery, which they were able to do yesterday. He would need some follow-up surgeries, but they were minor, and the doctors were hopeful. I hung on to that word like an alcoholic hangs on to a bottle of vodka.

The neurologist went last. He basically said that if Dean were to come out of his coma too soon they would recommend inducing a coma to keep the pressure from rebuilding in his head. Of course, there were risks that he wouldn't come out, but the risks of not inducing a coma were worse. They were hoping he would start breathing on his own in a few days. That was good.

They were concerned about the PET results, but they were going to do scans every day to monitor activity. I guess there were some sort of compounds they were giving him that encouraged brain activity growth, something I reminded myself to research later. He also said that every day activities and physical therapy stimulated growth as well, so the sooner he came out of the coma after the pressure was gone, the better. It was a very positive meeting.

I knew for every positive there was a hidden negative they weren't sharing, but they knew at this stage I needed hope.

"Did you have any questions for us before we leave, Mrs. Ashford?"

"I appreciate your bluntness, but what are the odds of recovery at this point? Meaning, what are the odds he will come out of this normal?"

All the doctors shifted and gave each other a knowing glance. They all knew the answer, and by the looks of their body language, I knew it was bad.

"Please, just be honest with me. I need to know what I need to do to prepare myself and the kids."

Dr. Cole spoke up, "The first twenty-four hours are critical. We want to see huge leaps in recovery. We haven't seen those leaps with Dean yet. Not to say he isn't progressing. It's just slower than we would like. He hasn't regressed, which is a great sign. Nothing is shutting down, but the next forty-eight hours are critical. We'll know more after that."

I listened intently and focused on his words to keep myself together. "Thank you. That's what I needed to know."

"If there isn't anything else..."

"No, thank you." As they filed out of the room, each one took turns squeezing my shoulder gently. It was unconventional and a strong message of support.

When I was alone with Dean again, I felt the stillness of the room. I turned on the music station again. He was never a fan of the quiet, and it was unsettling for me. I went over to the window and stared out into the distance. I only had a few hours before I had to go pick up the kids from school. Telling them their daddy was hurt was going to be hard, but what was going to be harder was telling them that they couldn't see him yet.

It was ironic how I finally had a choice and fate took it from me again. We were fools to think that we had any control of our lives. We didn't. It was what we did with the choices that were made for us that would define how we lived.

****

M
arried Life

When I got home from the doctor's office, Kylie was there. I loved her more than she would ever know. Even with all her flaws and the many things she had done that have screwed things up for me, she made up for it tenfold by always being there for me when I needed her.

When I walked in the door, she immediately knew I was headed for a breakdown. She used to panic, but she had become my in-home therapist and handled things surprisingly well. She threw her arms around me as soon as the tears fell and brought me over to the couch without asking a word. She took off my shoes and threw a blanket over me. She then put on a teapot.

"I think chamomile would be good," she said rhetorically.

As soon as she had the water on the stove, she came back with my pills and sat down waiting for me to be ready to talk. I put them on the table until the tea was done.

"You know I can never be the kind of friend you have been to me, right?" I said to her in a calm moment between sobs.

"You forgive me every time I fuck up, Len, and you accept me for who I am when nobody else will. I will never be able to repay you for your unconditional love."

We sat in silence for a moment. "I went to the doctor today." The look of horror on her face alarmed me. "It's not like that. I'm not dying or anything."

She let out a loud breath. "Fuck, Lenny, you scared the shit out of me." She hit my leg playfully. "Do that again and I'll knock you out."

With her right hook, she could, too.

"You know how I've been having pain and cramping? Well, it turns out that I have been having extreme ovulation episodes. That combined with my irregularity makes him suspicious that I may not be able to get pregnant."

"Were you guys trying?"

"No, we aren't even sure if we want kids, but if we do, we have to decide now. The longer I wait the less likely it'll be for me to get pregnant."

"Shit, girl. You're only twenty-four."

"I know. I don't feel like I'm ready, but I don't want to wait and then risk not being able to get pregnant naturally. In vitro is so expensive, and I'm not really into doing things that way."

"I can't help you with this, love. You and Dean are going to have to figure this out on your own. Either way you know I'll be here for you."

The teapot whistled. She brought both of us a cup, and I downed two of the pills. We spent the rest of the evening talking about random things. She was always really good at distracting me. God, I loved her.

****

P
resent

As I drove to pick up the kids, I thought about the day Dean and I decided to start actively trying for Drew. We were both concerned about rushing into it because of my mental state, but we knew we had a small window to work with. The doctor warned us that it could take a long time for me to get pregnant since we weren't sure when I was actually dropping eggs. I chose to put off doing any testing until we tried for at least six months. I didn't want there to be too much pressure.

It was kind of funny trying to plan sex around Dean's crazy schedule. There were a couple of times that I visited him at the station, and we snuck off. We did it in the car once, in the captain's office when they were out on a call, and in the locker room. It was the most thrilling sex of our relationship.

I got pregnant with Drew right away. Everyone was shocked. I was terrified. I thought I had more time to get used to the idea of being pregnant and being a mom, but here I was pregnant at twenty-four. Along with the already lowered medication doses, I went health crazy. I would only eat organic and tried to stay away from processed foods altogether. I was determined to do whatever I could to try to prevent my baby from having any issues. Mainly, I just wanted to ensure he didn't end up with my affliction. I even skipped on my pills altogether, but I didn't tell anybody. I hid them and kept picking up refills.

It was one thing to poison my body, but I refused to do it to my unborn child. I would give him every chance at a healthy normal life I could.

Dean worried about the OCD behavior I had acquired, but he understood and was very supportive. At times I felt bad for how he had to tiptoe around me, but he never complained. I really had ended up with one of the good ones.

I pulled up to Drew's school first. I was a few minutes late, so he was already waiting on the sidewalk. The way his face lit up when he saw me had the power to melt my heart and break it at the same time. This might be the last time I saw that innocence for a very long time, if ever at all. He opened the passenger door and jumped over the front seat to hug me.

"I didn't know you were picking me up. Grandma said you were with Dad somewhere."

"I was, sweetie, but I'm here now." I held him in my arms for as long as he would let me.

"Moooom." He giggled as he wiggled out of my arms. "Where's Dad?"

I had never lied to my kids, but I didn't know what to say, so I just stared at him. "We need to go pick up Lexus. Can you go buckle up? I thought we could go get ice cream."

"Yay! I love ice cream!" he shouted excitedly as he jumped back to his car seat. "Ready."

I double-checked in the rearview to make sure he was all buckled in before I pulled away from the curb. I received a similar reaction from Lexus when I picked her up. She didn't ask about Dean, though. Thank God. With her age she still assumed if he wasn't around that meant he was at work, so she rarely asked.

I picked a quiet table outside on the patio at the ice cream store and watched as they ravaged their vanilla ice cream with sprinkles. They were so picky about food. They only liked vanilla. I was to blame.