The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (371 page)

Weekend

After the Rock Band antics, I felt like I was hiding for my life on the estate property, only I was hiding to save my marriage. I always had a weakness for Braedyn, and I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to resist him, so avoidance seemed like the best option since I was essentially trapped here. I found a private nook in the back area. Jaxon probably used it to seduce his female guests.

It was an outside four-poster bed with a beautiful lightweight fabric enclosure. Perfect for hiding a person inside. The sheets were a vintage pattern to match the overall theme of the vineyard. I crawled into the luxurious cave and threw the throw blanket over me. The view was of the expansive vineyard backing up to a set of hills. There was a sliver of a crescent moon giving the stars a chance to boast their magnificence. Unlike in the city or even the suburbs, you could actually see every star clearly. This is exactly what I needed to help calm me since I didn't have my medication.

I felt guilty being in the same house as Braedyn. Hell, I felt guilty being in the same state as him. It felt wrong. Unfortunately, that meant that my feelings for him never died or even faded. There wouldn't be guilt if I saw him as just another person.

I let out a frustrated sigh. What was it going to take to detox my mind of him? More importantly, detox my soul?

One of the great mysteries of life is trying to understand the invisible connection that travels between certain people. The same connection I shared with Braedyn, but wish I had with Dean. You know the feeling when you're near someone and it starts off as little sparklers like the ones you used to run around with as a kid, and then when you touch, you set off a mind-blowing set of fireworks. It bypasses your heart and goes straight to your center where your core resides.

After all the years and after his sudden departure from my life, I didn't understand why he could still affect me the way he did. I was married now. Maybe not happily, but I made a promise. A promise that I never imagined I would break.

Braedyn and I shared a moment that weekend we first met. One I had successfully buried until now. It was bubbling at the surface of my long-term memory trying to burst out. As much as I didn't want to remember, it broke through.

****

C
ollege Years

After the show, we went back to the house. I think I had more fun than usual because Braedyn was there. I hated admitting my connection with him, but Dean and I were on the way out and I was ready to feel again, and this was a feeling I had never experienced with such intensity before. Everyone disappeared to shower and crash for the night. I wasn't tired yet, so I sat outside by the pool and enjoyed the fresh air. Insomnia was always taunting me. I heard footsteps behind me, and then Braedyn sat down in the lounge chair next to me.

"Can't sleep either?" he asked.

"Nope." My body was buzzing to life now like a group of fireflies disturbed out of sleep.

"I hate insomnia."

"I've learned to stop fighting it. It seems to help if I just sit outside and meditate for a while."

"Do you mind if I try it with you?"

"Not at all," I responded, but I knew this was not going to help relax me. My insides were jumping with excitement. We sat quietly for a few minutes until he broke the silence.

"Dean told me about your depression."

My body tensed. I was pissed and felt betrayed. No one knew about that except for him, Kylie, and my parents. It was a dark secret I cherished and would never easily share with anyone.

"I'm sure you didn't want him telling anyone, but the reason why I'm bringing it up is because I suffer from it too, so if you ever need someone to talk to..."

I couldn't believe it. Was this why I felt such a deep connection with him? Was it because our brains were wired in the same messed up way? I had never met anyone with the same affliction as me, mainly because I avoided talking about it. All I could say was, "Okay, thanks," but what I really wanted was to talk about everything I had ever felt when I had entered the darkness to see if he felt the same way too, but I was still hesitant. I was scared he would judge me and think I was crazy.

"You know I've never told anyone. You're the first. Only my parents know. Not even my brothers."

"Really? You never told a girlfriend?"

"I figured once I fell in love I would tell her, but I've never felt that way about someone."

An internal smile lit up. It was sad that he had never been in love, but I was the first person he had told, and it made me feel special. "I find it hard to believe you've never been in love."

"I've loved, but I never felt that deep connection that goes beyond the superficial feelings. Until now."

I froze. What was he saying? Was he talking about me? I was having a hard time processing his words.

"I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. I know you're with Dean, but I didn't want to regret not telling you. I've never felt like this about someone, and maybe it's because we share the same dark secret, but something tells me it's more than that. I know the timing isn't right, but I wanted you to know so if the timing was ever right, you might consider giving me a chance."

Holy shit!
This was nuts! I have never been this honest with anyone in my life and here he was laying it all out.

"Your silence is a little disconcerting."

"I'm sorry. I'm just still processing everything. I'm not used to this kind of thing." I started picking around my nails. I was so nervous.

"Are you mad?"

"No, not all. I just don't know how to respond." I was terrified to look into his eyes. I knew I would be lost, and my relationship with Dean would be over, something I wasn't ready to decide on yet.

"Don't say anything. I don't want to be the one to break up your relationship with Dean. I just needed to say it. Do you want to talk about the depression? I've never really talked to anybody about the episodes."

"You don't see a therapist?"

"No, why? Do you?"

"Yeah, but I don't take medication. I don't like how drugs make me feel."

"I'm the same way."

We sat outside and talked all night until the sun rose. We exchanged stories about the triggers for our episodes and the dark feelings we shared when consumed by them. There were things that I told him that I wouldn't even tell my therapist. It was oddly refreshing that he had the same issues as me. Not that I would wish them upon even my worst enemy, but I was glad he shared this piece of himself with me. The raw connection we had went deeper than any bond could go. I knew I was doomed. That Dean I and were doomed. He didn't stand a chance.

****

W
eekend

Dammit!
The memory resurfaced. It made me love and hate Braedyn all over again. Love him for our shared secret and hate him for ditching me. I needed to know why now. I needed to understand why when the moment was right and I gave him a chance like he asked for, why he walked away and never looked back. I thought that the letter I left him would have at least gotten a response from him, but nothing. He faded like the fog burning off in the mid-afternoon sun.

I chewed on the skin around my nails as I tried to decide what my next move was. I could go to sleep and just make a clean break, or I could confront him and finally find out what the fuck he was thinking. I didn't have to make a rash decision. Fate decided for me. Braedyn pulled back the curtain.

"Can we talk?" he asked nervously.

He should be nervous. I was one wrong word from kicking his ass.

"I guess we should talk. That is if you aren't going to run away again like a coward." Yep, I totally went there. I was pissed, and this was my moment of vindication. I planned on getting it all out.

"I guess I deserved that." He sat on the edge of the bed.

"You guess? Let me make it clearer for you. You deserved it and a lot more, but I'll hear you out first." I crossed my arms like my pouting four-year-old.

"Where do you want me to start?"

That was a good question. "Why did you keep the letter on your nightstand? Out of all the ones I had written you, why that one?"

He thought about it for a minute. "It was the most honest you had ever been with me."

"I wrote it when I was having a breakdown."

"I know. Even though others would think it was nonsense, I knew exactly what you were saying. It was the most connected I felt to you."

Shit!
I was in trouble. This wasn't where I was anticipating our closure moment going. I had to be strong for Dean and the kids. This would ruin us. "What about the last letter I wrote you? How could you not respond to that?" The next thing he did completely surprised me.

"You mean this?" he asked as he pulled the letter out of his pocket.

It was a
fuck my life
moment. This just kept getting worse. He kept the letter all this time. "You mean to tell me you just happened to have it with you this weekend?"

"No, I have had it with me every day since you left."

Picture me pounding my head in my knees over and over again, only I couldn't because he was sitting in front of me. I was in trouble. So much trouble. With every word he uttered, I was losing willpower. "Do you expect me to believe that?"

"After what I did, I don't expect you to believe anything, but I needed to tell you the truth, which is why I contacted Kylie."

Another bombshell! This was all a setup. What the fuck was she thinking? "You and Kylie set this up?" I wasn't hiding my anger anymore.

"Well, to be fair, you set this up. It was just an opportunity for me to see you. Alone."

"You mean away from Dean and my kids. This is wrong Braedyn, and you know it."

"I'm not asking you to break one of the Ten Commandments, Lennox. I'm asking for you to give me a chance to explain, so we can both move on."

It shouldn't have, but that stung. He wasn't looking for another chance. He was looking for closure. Something I thought I wanted until now. "Okay, then. Here's your chance. Go," I said harshly.

"I was a coward. I let the guys dictate how I treated the situation instead of following my gut."

"What do you mean '
the
guys'? What did they tell you?" I had taken a pillow and hugged it protectively in front of me. I was now squeezing the stuffing out of it.

"Don't take it wrong. Everyone liked you, but they weren't okay with me hooking up with Dean's girl."

"Ex-girl."

"It didn't matter, Len. It's that whole stupid guy code thing, and I was too immature to go against it."

"Fine. That explains some of it, but it doesn't explain the way you did it. Knowing how that would affect someone with our problem, you should have handled it differently, with more care, Braedyn." I could feel the tears coming. I dug my face into the pillow and muttered, "You ruined me."

"I'm so sorry, Lennox."

And I knew he was. His voice cracked with the same pain I was enduring.

"Nothing I say right now can take back the years of pain I have caused you, but you have to know that I thought about you every day. I loved you every day. I still love you. My gift to you was staying away, so you could make a life with Dean and have a family and be happy, but you have no idea how hard it was to stay away. To hear about your engagement, your marriage, and then your kids. I knew I had lost you when you created a beautiful family. It broke me."

So stupid.
All of this was stupid. All the years of surviving for him to say he loved me the entire time. What was he doing? What did he think this would accomplish? It was killing me to hear this. It would have been easier to hear that he just didn't feel it so he walked away. Why couldn't he have just lied? That would have been a gift!

"I can't do this, Braedyn." I scooted off of the bed on the opposite side of where he was sitting and walked away. I could feel the panic in my chest and everything ached. Twelve years was just shoved into five minutes, and I couldn't wrap my head around what it all meant.

"Lennox, wait!" he yelled after me.

I spun around to show him the pain he had caused yet again. "I waited Braedyn. I waited for this moment to happen for years, but then I let go. I let go of you. It's too late." I turned back around, ready to finally say goodbye, but he wouldn't let me.

He grabbed my hand softly and spun me back around. He looked into my soul as he caressed my cheek, giving me the opportunity to walk away from what was about to happen. I looked down, wanting to do the right thing, but my heart couldn't fight it anymore. I had dreamed of this moment ever since that unforgettable night together. If I didn't indulge it, I would live with the regret for the rest of my life, but I also knew if I did it, I would live with another type of regret. Either way I lost, so I let go and let him carry me to a place I never thought would exist again.

He turned my lips up to his, and after a long moment of torturing anticipation, he kissed me with twelve years of love. Our souls had finally found each other again and danced like shooting stars chasing each other in the night sky. I wanted to live in that moment forever, but I couldn't. It was a dream long lost, and I had given my life to Dean when I said
I do
, and I would honor that until the end of days.
Forever
meant something more to me than this moment.

I pushed away from him. This was my choice. Fate had finally stepped aside and had given it to me. "Goodbye, Braedyn." I walked back to the house without looking back. I called a taxi and went back to the hotel by myself. I was proud of myself for having enough strength to walk away, but I still had betrayed Dean, and I would have to learn to live with that. I would have to find a way.

Present

I sat there and told Dean everything as he lay helpless, not being able to yell at me or walk away. I didn't leave anything out from the second I met Braedyn to the day I finally made a choice. I had finally stolen my soul back from Braedyn and given it to Dean. He now possessed all of me and would die with it. I would never give myself to anyone else again.