The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (374 page)

I went through all his drawers and tossed the socks and underwear into the trash. I kept some of the beanies for Drew. Even Lexus would wear some of them. I just wanted to keep some pieces of him for the kids when they got older.

"Are you going to get ready soon?" Kylie asked as she popped her head in and took inventory of all the bags.

"Is it already that time? Yeah, I'll get the kids ready first."

Getting us ready was like living in slow motion. I didn't want the time to come to say our official goodbyes. It had been hanging in the air for so long that I had come attached to that feeling. Now, it was going to be severed, and it would be replaced with a new feeling of emptiness. I just wanted to get my kids through this with the least amount of damage as possible. No child should have to go through this.

I stared at myself in the mirror. I wore the traditional black color for my dress, but wore a green scarf, Dean's favorite color. It was his favorite color because it was Drew's favorite color. I had requested that everyone wear it in some way as a tribute to him. Drew wore a green shirt, and Lexus matched me. Kylie wore a black shirt with a black and green striped skirt. Her
fiancé
was picking her up. The kids and I would be picked up by the chief's car and then ride on the engine carrying his coffin. His engine. It was fitting that he takes his last ride in death on the engine that gave him his last ride in life.

How do you survive a funeral? One minute at a time. That's the only way. I carried Lexus out to the chief's car, and Drew held my other hand. It was the quietest and longest minutes of my life. Lexus gripped onto me for dear life, and Drew was suctioned to my leg.

I was their only protector now and instinctively their little minds knew it. I sat in the back with the kids because I knew separating from them was out of the question. The chief was sweet and didn't say a word other than hello. I was picking furiously at the skin around my nails and noticed that Drew was doing the same. He was too much like me.

I was overwhelmed by the crowd we drove by to get to the engine. The sea of black looked like the dark depths of the ocean. What was even more captivating were the spots of green adorned on each one. It made my heart happy. All these people were here for
my
Dean.

Turner was waiting by the engine for us. He was wearing his black dress uniform and green scarf wrapped around his wrist like a bracelet. This was such a monumental loss for everyone. The kids maintained their positions on me after we got out of the car. Turner approached us and gave me an awkward hug around the kids.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi."

"You ready to do this?"

I looked around. "I don't think we have much of a choice."

"I guess you're right." He smiled carefully.

He put his arm around me and ushered us into the engine. It was extremely hard to be in here. Imagining this is where Dean sat on and off for almost ten years was gut-wrenching. I could feel his presence. Turner sat in the front with the engineer. He turned around and placed a hat on Drew's head.

"That was your dad's."

No reaction from him. I would normally correct his bad manners, but I would be letting a lot slide in the coming days.

"Thank you, Turner," I said instead. I leaned down to Drew's ear and whispered, "It looks great on you, sweetie." He snuck a small smile at the ground.

They turned on the siren and pulled out onto the street. It was amazing how many people had lined up along the street. The air was filled with bagpipes playing taps as a small band walked just in front of us. Word had spread about wearing green. Not one person was seen without it. It even caught Drew's attention.

"Look, Mommy. Everyone's wearing green."

"They sure are, honey. Your dad was very loved." I was starting to get worried about Lexus. I think it was starting to hit her that Dean wasn't coming home. She had gotten more and more despondent over the past few days, and I think this was too much for her, but all I could do was hold her tight and not let her go.

It was a long and lovely processional to the cemetery. It was exactly how I imagined it from seeing other funerals on TV, but the green made it unique. Dean would be remembered, and the green would signify how special he was.

The funeral was tough on me, but even more so on the kids. They listened to beloved stories from friends and family about their dad, but it only made them miss him more. I was proud that only a few tears had managed to escape from me. I was trying my hardest to keep it together for the kids, but I also wanted them to know it was all right to express their sadness.

Lexus cried a lot. Drew's eyes were bloodshot, but it was hard to tell if he had cried. He was shy and at the stage where he got embarrassed easily.

I was the last one scheduled to speak, and it was now my turn. Lexus let me hand her off to my mom so I could go up. I took several deep breaths as I walked in front of the coffin. A flag rested on top of it like a blanket keeping a child warm.

"Dean was an amazing person, which is apparent when you look around and see how many people came to show their support. Thank you for being here and for wearing his and our son's favorite color. There are really only two things I would like to share. We all have our own private memories of Dean and to respect that I'd like to keep it that way. I'd like to point out the inscription on Dean's gravestone. He used to call me a firefighter's flame, but really he was the flame and I was just the accelerant. Painted on my son's wall is the Firefighter Prayer that all firefighter families may know, so I thought I would close this off with it. It's what we said every night when Dean was at work."

Unexpectedly, Drew stood up and walked to my side.

He tugged on my shirt, so I leaned down and he whispered, "Can I say it?"

My heart hurt. He was already trying to be brave. "Of course, honey. Daddy would love that." I took his hand in mine and bowed my head to the ground.

Drew started, "Lord, protect our firefighters. Keep them safe each day and night. Give them courage and strength on each rescue and fire they fight."

When he was done, he went back and sat down without another word. As I scanned the faces in the crowd, the ones that hadn't already been crying, now were. Drew had made the most profound gesture of his young life that he would look back and remember forever.

Instead of a mound of dirt to throw onto the coffin, there was a pile of white roses. I took three, one for each of us, and threw them into the hole and sat down. The bagpipes played again as the two firemen folded up the flag and handed it to Dean's captain. He placed Dean's badge on it and gave it to me. I took the badge and pinned it on Drew. He rubbed it carefully through wet eyes.

A very long line formed to take turns throwing a rose and to say a few words to me. Everyone was thoughtful enough not to address the kids directly and not to hover for too long. It took some time to get through everyone. Halfway through I had my parents take the kids home. When everyone was done, some left and some hung out and formed small groups. Kylie and her fiancé sat with me when the kids left. Turner stood with his shift during the ceremony, but was now heading my way.

"We'll meet you at the house," Kylie said with a squeeze of my hand.

"Okay, I should be there soon."

They got up and left.

"That was a nice ceremony," he said.

"It really was. Dean would have been pleased. He deserved it." I stood up getting ready to leave.

"Hey, Len, if you ever need anything, please just call me. Even if it's just to mow your lawn."

I laughed a little at that. "You're sweet, Turner, but that's what a gardener is for. I'm going to go back to work soon so we'll be fine, but thank you." I gave him a hug. "I'm sorry. I know he was like a brother to you."

"He was. I'm going to miss him."

I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and headed to the chief's car for a ride home. It was time to close this chapter of my life and start a new one. It wasn't going to be easy and there were going to be a lot of bumps and bruises along the way, but the three of us would make it. Not even just make it. We would eventually thrive in Dean's honor.

Fate had hurt me in so many ways over the years that it was only a matter of time when the chips fell in my favor. I had done something secretly to start my own path to redemption, and today was the day I got to share it with everyone.

It had been about a week since the funeral. Kylie was still living with us and planned to for a couple of months if needed. Her fiancé was going to visit every other weekend. It was really sweet of him to lend her to me. They put the wedding and plans of trying to have a baby on hold, which was a big sacrifice for them. The kids were back at school, so it was just the two of us.

"Did you need help going through the rest of Dean's things?" she asked as she poured me a cup of coffee.

"I'm almost done, but thanks."

"Is it weird doing that?"

"Yeah, but I'm trying not to think about it. I think it'll be better for the kids not to see too many everyday things of his lying around."

"You're an amazing woman. You know that, right?"

"I have my flaws, and I've done my fair share of sinning, but I try. I'm still trying."

"He would have forgiven you, if you had a chance to tell him. He adored you, flawed and all."

"I know. Listen, I have something with the estate to do today. If it takes longer than anticipated, will you be on call to pick up the kids?"

"Of course."

I hopped off the bar chair and grabbed my purse on my way out.

A familiar uneasiness settled in my bones. I was unaccustomed to change, and we had already had so much. For me to add more change to things so quickly was a risk, but I didn't really have a choice. Time wasn't in my favor.

****

I
didn't make it back in time to pick up the kids. It was probably better anyway. Having them at home for this would be best. I pulled into the driveway and got out. I opened the back door and was immediately greeted with Lily's beautiful smile. One that would always remind me of the sacrifice Dean made to save her precious little life. So many people had to jump through hoops to make this happen. I owed so many people a lifetime of gratitude.

When I got to the department of child services building, I couldn't believe I was doing this or that it was actually happening. When I first heard she had no living relatives, I couldn't bear the thought of her being anywhere but with us. It was fate that Dean was there to save her, and she belonged with us. Foster application and processes usually took time, but because of whom Dean worked for and the connections he had, I was able to call in favors.

They had rushed me through the process, and I even managed to sneak a home visit in a few days ago while the kids were at school and Kylie was out running errands. They wanted to meet everyone living at the house, but they were willing to postpone that visit until after I introduced Lily to the kids. Someone was visiting this evening.

I had gone to Target and Babies R Us to pick up baby essentials. It was a nice distraction from the death cloud that had been hanging over me for the last month. With life there came death, and in this instance with death, came life. A precious life that would never truly understand the special place she held in my heart next to Dean and the kids.

"Hi, sweetie. Are you ready to meet your new brother and sister?" She was almost seven weeks old now and much bigger than when I saw her in the hospital. It was good to see she was thriving. She cooed in response to my voice and chewed on her fist obsessively. "Looks like someone is getting hungry. Come here, cutie." I unbuckled her and held her close to my heart. I had already forgotten how fragile these little things were. When our kids were this age, we would call them little froggies when they rested on us because their little knees stayed bent like a frog's legs ready to leap. I tossed the new diaper bag over my free shoulder and headed anxiously into the house.

When I opened the door, I could hear Kylie playing a board game with the kids in the TV room. They had become so fond of her, and I knew it was going to be tough when she left. Hopefully, Lily would help fill some of the void. I stopped at the threshold and quietly watched them play for a minute. They had endured so much, but they were still my babies, and I had hope that we would all make it through this life all right and maybe even better than okay.

Lily let out a whimper. Probably for food. Kylie and the kids stopped playing and focused their attention on me. The kids immediately ran for me yelling
Mommy
in excitement. Drew was the first to ask about Lily.

"Whose baby is that?" he shouted enthusiastically.

I had to be careful how I answered because the adoption process was lengthy, and they could always deny me in the end.

"This is Lily. Would it be okay if she stayed with us for a little while?" I wanted them to feel like they had a say in the matter. We were in this together.

"Her name starts with
L
like us, Mommy," Lexus squealed.

"It sure does, sweetie. So, do you think it would be okay if she stayed?"

Lexus jumped up and down yelling, "Yes, yes, yes!"

Drew rubbed her back gently. "Can I hold her?"

He always loved babies. "Of course, honey. Do you want to feed her?"

"Can I?" His eyes lit up.

"Of course. Auntie Ky, can you take her to the couch with the kids while I make a bottle?" She had stayed silent, but I knew she approved when she smiled.

"Let me have that little bundle of cuteness," she said as she peeled her from me. "Things are going to be okay." She winked and walked over to the couch trailed by my kids.

"I think so, too," I whispered to myself.

My kids were instantly in love with Lily.

The meeting with the social worker went great. She was moved by our story and was going to try to advance the adoption process. Until we took that oath nothing was permanent, which left me slightly uneasy. I was nervous that my history of depression would inhibit the adoption, but I was assured repeatedly that because I didn't pose a threat to the kids or myself that was confidential information and would be protected by confidentiality laws. It still made me nervous, and it would until she was ours.