The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (383 page)

Victoria’s silent response was enough for her to understand. Something he had said made her think—saving herself. It had never crossed her mind before. Levi had always been there, rescuing her. Victoria didn’t think she even had the skills to manage her own rescue. She had never learned how.

“You’re on lockdown for the night. No visitors. Sorry Victoria but until you crawl out of this you’re going be stuck in here.” Kate patted her hand tenderly and turned to leave. When she flipped the light switch Victoria was once again plunged into darkness. For some reason this time it didn’t feel like it was going to overtake her. She sat up slowly and looked around taking in her surroundings for the first time. There is nothing on the walls, not even a television. Must be a different ward then the one she was in the night of Levi’s death. Here she was a prisoner, controlled by sadness and anger. This wasn’t how Levi would’ve wanted it. And Victoria wouldn’t live like this.

She spent twenty four hours on lockdown before a different psychologist gave her another evaluation and said she was clear to go. Her parents brought her back to their home once again. It was clear to everyone she wasn’t prepared to go back to school. She tossed and turned in her childhood bed attempting to block out the previous three days.

The next morning, Kate woke her up bright and early to talk, and to get her dressed for the first time in days.

“Morning, Victoria. Today I'm going to take you somewhere. You’re going to have to get out of your bed on your own.” Victoria refused to move. Kate had saved her but she needed a moment before telling Kate how she could save herself. Maybe not in such a valiant way, not that calling 911 and screaming for help was heroic, but it had worked. It had saved her life. Kate had done that. While she tried to find the words, Kate deployed the get out of bed tactic. She opened the window and ripped all the covers off of Victoria's bed. Victoria put a pillow over her face to block out the sun.

“I'm not going away, Victoria, you need to get up.” She began to pull on her foot. Victoria could tell that if she would have to yank her out of this bed, she would do it.

Victoria shook her off and pulled her head out from underneath the pillow, glaring at Kate. “You’re really annoying, do you know that?”

Kate smiled. “I think it's one of my better qualities.”

Victoria continued to glare at her. “Whatever. I'm not going anywhere with you. Should I remind you that the last time you took me somewhere it was to the fucking hospital?” She shook her head and turned back over.

Kate waited a few more minutes before responding. Victoria felt her sit on the edge of the bed. “We're going to the beach, Victoria. Get some good salt air in those lungs. I think it would be good for you.” When Victoria still didn't respond she added, “I know he took you there a lot.”

Victoria peered out from underneath the pillow. “I don't think I can go there anymore.”

Kate had a simple answer for that. “Then don't think, just do. It's my first mantra. Things to live your life by. Victoria, your life has changed dramatically in this past week. You need to start to prepare the rest of your life for the person that you are now. So today's mantra: don't think, just do. Now let's get you out of bed.” She had said it in such a confident way that Victoria had no choice but to concede. She got up and headed for her bathroom to take a shower, she had gotten more used to the warm water and found it comforting. It took her a long time to get ready, she had a lot of trouble picking clothes out. She eventually went to her dad's room and grabbed a pair of his running shorts and a T-shirt. Her parents invited her to lunch when she walked downstairs, but she refused.

“Kate is taking me to the beach.” It was a statement, the first she had made to her parents in days, and she could tell they were astounded at the fact that she could even speak. She watched her mother’s eyes well up with tears. She knew that her speaking to them was a step in the right direction. Her parents were so concerned with her well-being that they look disheveled. It was clear they weren’t sleeping.

Her mom nodded. “Of course, honey, have a good time at the beach. Put your feet in the ocean for me.”

Victoria simply looked on and made her way to the front door. She walked outside into a beautiful May afternoon, usually one of her favorite times of year. She looked around her while she stood on her front porch, trying to make the decision of whether or not she could go out in the world.

Kate and Victoria stood at the top stoop for over fifteen minutes before Victoria took the first step. One step, then two, then Victoria's knees gave out from underneath her. She clutched the railing for dear life, hoping that on her first outing into the world she wouldn’t completely fall apart. But Kate was there to help pull her back up with a smile on her face.

“Easy there. Go slow, it's okay. Your body just may not be used to moving this much.”

That statement seemed crazy to Victoria. She could remember being an excellent runner and cheerleader in her high school days. Just a couple weeks ago she was hiking with Levi through the wilderness, when did her body give up on her?

She sat down on the bottom step clinging to the supports of the railing. “Levi and I were getting a place together.”

Kate sat down gingerly next to her wrapping her arms around her knees. “How does that make you feel?”

“Like giving up. Like my body has. I can’t live there. I don’t even want to see it. But it bothers me that I never will. I just want to know why this happened to me!” She rested her head on the hard wood exasperated.

Kate reached out and stroked Victoria’s light blonde hair. “Some things aren’t meant to be known and that’s okay. You can’t predict the future, and you shouldn’t try. Because you won’t live for
now
. And that’s what’s most important, the now.”

Tears began to fall from Victoria’s cheeks. “Why him though? Why couldn’t it have been someone who didn’t matter?”

Kate sighed. “Everyone matters to someone Victoria, it’s one of the beautiful things about life.”

“I want answers Kate.”

“Some day you’ll get them. When it’s the right time.”

Victoria sat in the sun for a moment before Kate said, “C’mon let’s try again.”

She sighed, “All right.” She stood up slowly but made her way to the car on her own. It felt like she had run a marathon by the time she sat down in the car.

She turned to Kate and said, “Have we heard from Claire at all?”

Kate smiled brightly, “Yes, she's called a few times for you. She would like to come visit.”

Victoria decided if she was already out, today was as good as any to see her. “Maybe she can meet us at the beach?”

Kate passed her a pink cell phone. “I saved her number in there for you. Feel free to make the call.”

Victoria found the number and called Claire. She was relieved to hear her voice sound normal and for Claire to not ask her how she was. She appreciated her ignoring her difficult situation. “Sure I’ll meet you at the beach, I can get there in less than ten minutes.”

“You’re home? Not at school?”

“I came home yesterday, I was hoping to see you.”

Victoria nodded. “Thanks.”

When they pulled up to parking lot at the beach Victoria wasn’t sure what she was going to do when she saw Claire for the first time. But her emotions took over when she opened the door and saw her. She began to cry as she ran towards Claire and embraced her tightly.

Her words came pouring out as her feelings played across her face.

“He's gone Claire. I was there! I was there and I didn't do anything!”

Claire smoothed the back of Victoria's hair in order to console her friend. “There was nothing you could do, Victoria, everyone knows that. You know that, right?”

But Victoria wasn't so sure. Recently her guilt had taken over. Since her stay in the hospital Kate called it “survivor's guilt.” She shouldn’t have lived while Levi didn’t.

Claire released Victoria for a moment and said, “Tor, there's something you need to see.” She pulled out her phone.

“I don't think I want to see that, Claire,” she said through her tears.

“Tor you have to see this. It'll help you understand.” Claire began to show her the pictures on her cell phone of Levi's house. She attempted to turn away and walk back towards the car, but Claire continued to throw the phone in front of her face until she really looked.

“Do you see what’s in the picture? It's not just his house, look what's in front of it.”

Victoria took the phone and stared at the tiny screen. She used her fingers to zoom in. In the picture there were thousands of candles in front of Levi's doorstep. Signs and flowers littered the yard with inspirational messages.

“We miss you Levi.”

“Love always.”

“See you later.”

She didn't know how to react, so she called for the only person that fully understood what she was going through. “Kate!” She yelled so loud that she scared Claire.

Kate came running down the side of the beach, concern etched all over her face. “What's wrong?”

Victoria continued to cry, but turned the phone so Kate could view the images that she had just seen. Kate looked through them and nodded at her, rubbing her back slowly.

“You weren't the only one who loved him. You're not alone in this.”

Claire looked at Kate and Victoria sheepishly; it was clear she hadn't meant to upset her friend. Claire looked at her newly painted toenails as she spoke. “I'm sorry. I thought this would make you happy, or at least cheer you up a little bit. Levi was a great guy, Tor, a lot of people miss him. Not just you.”

It was the first time in days that Victoria had felt somewhat human, and as she looked at Kate and Claire she made a decision. She would ultimately have to get through this. She pushed all thoughts of suicide from her mind and decided that she was going to live. Because there were people out there who missed Levi just as much as she did, and it wasn't fair to them if she left this world, too. She had already lost Levi, she wouldn't lose herself as well.

“It's okay, Claire. I’m not upset with you. I just didn’t think. I didn’t know that anyone else would be feeling the way I am.”

She looked at Kate with confidence. “I want to go to the funeral. I want to be with these people.”

V
ictoria readied herself for what she was sure was going to be the second worst day in her entire life. The worst being last Friday when she lost Levi. It had only been a little more than a week since he had gone, but it felt like months to Victoria.

Kate and Fallon were working on her hair and makeup, as Victoria had no interest in making herself look nice for the event. Victoria simply stared at the picture of Levi that her parents had framed for her, which was sitting on her bedside table, as the ladies worked to improve her features.

She wore a plain black dress that her mother had purchased for her and simple pearl earrings. Kate had curled her hair. When Fallon had decided that she was done with her makeup Victoria stood up and looked in the mirror. She didn't feel like she looked like herself anymore, but it would have to do. She wanted to appear at least somewhat together for the funeral. It would be the first time she'd seen Tyne or Levi's father since the hospital.

She twirled one of the curls around her finger and asked, “Are you sure I look all right?”

Kate nodded and Fallon agreed. “You look beautiful Victoria. Levi would have appreciated it.” Fallon sighed and walked from the room as Kate stood by and watched Victoria survey herself in the mirror further.

She gently touched the curls that fell on Victoria’s back and said, “You're doing really well, Victoria. You can do this, just one step at a time.”

Victoria looked at Kate with a small smile and said, “Baby steps, right?”

Kate smiled back at her. “Right.”

The funeral was held on the beach, one of Levi’s favorite places to visit. They had spent so many wonderful evenings there, walking and talking about their future. A future that would never take place.

When Victoria and her family arrived at the actual funeral site she realized there were several hundred people in attendance. Seats had been left for her family near the front and she walked slowly and solemnly to her place.

Kate sat next to her, holding her hand as they watched Tyne and Levi's dad arrive. He was in his old military uniform and Tyne looked lovely in a short sleeveless black dress.

They sat directly in front of Victoria's family and then turned back to acknowledge the Blanes. Victoria's eyes remained focused on the sand, and she made designs with her shoes to distract her mind from what was happening around her.

A pastor spoke about the loss that they had all endured. How sometimes the world didn't think it was fair how young people left us. He continued, saying that Levi had the chance to live, and he had led a beautiful life. Victoria remained stone faced through much of the ceremony ... until the pastor turned his attention to her.

“Levi spent his life serving others. And even in death he served others. His life was cut short because he was protecting the woman he loved. He took the ultimate sacrifice, and for that we truly thank him.”

Victoria lifted her eyes and noticed that everyone, except Levi's family whose eyes remained on the casket, was staring at her.

Victoria couldn't take being the center of the attention and looked to her family for support. Kate squeezed her hands in hers. But Victoria had already gone over the edge and began sobbing uncontrollably.

“He wasn't supposed to leave me. He promised.” Kate nodded and a few members of the surrounding audience whispered encouraging sentiments to Victoria.

“I loved him. I will always love him.”

“We know, Victoria,” Kate whispered.

Her parents and Fallon whispered how much they loved Victoria, and how they understood.

“It’s alright to be sad, honey,” her father said. “Sadness is a part of life.”

When the pastor was done speaking the only sounds that could be heard were the crashing waves and Victoria’s sobs. Many people approached Levi's family to give their regrets and laid flowers near the casket.