The Year We Fell Apart (12 page)

“Yeah. Thanks.” I hook my thumbs in my back pockets and rock onto my heels. “Well, I don’t want to keep you.”

Declan doesn’t move. He doesn’t react at all, actually, just keeps chewing his bottom lip. I start to wonder whether he heard me.

“Harper, I’ve been thinking a lot about that party the other night.”

Dang. This was going so well.

“You really don’t have to say anything. We can forget it ever happened.”

“Just let me get this out.” He drags his hands down his face, looking like he doesn’t actually know what to say at all. “With everything that’s been going on with you lately, I can understand you needing someone.”

I cross my arms a little tighter. “I see.”

Declan rubs his forehead. “That came out wrong. What I meant was . . . I didn’t want to take advantage of the situation, because I know you’ve been upset about your mom.”

“Look, I already apologized. Like you said, it was a mistake.”

He exhales sharply and shakes his head at the ground. “You know . . . you were right before. Let’s just forget it.” He lifts his gaze and his eyes shift to something over my shoulder.

“
Heyyy,
was wonderin’ where you went,” a voice behind me says.

Before I can turn around, Kyle leans against me, propping his chin on my shoulder. His arms wrap around my waist and he stumbles sideways, pulling me with him.

“C’mon, gorgeous.” Kyle tugs my arm. “We’re goin’ to get some food.”

“Um . . .” My face is burning up. I slip out of Kyle’s grasp and look up at Declan. He’s glowering at Kyle.

Kyle finally notices him. “Who’s this?”

“Why don’t you just give me your keys,” I say to him. “I’ll meet you over by your car.”

Declan’s eyes go wide. “Are you kidding me? He drove you here?”

“Dude, this really isn’t any of your business. Why don’t you back off?”

He does the opposite, stepping into Kyle’s personal space. “Why don’t you let Harper speak for herself?”

“Declan, don’t.”

He turns to me and I can’t make myself look any higher than his chest.

I put one hand on Kyle’s shoulder and push him away from Declan. “Just give me your keys, okay?”

Glaring over my head, Kyle reaches into his pocket and hands me the car keys. Then he turns and stumbles his way across the lot. It takes me another moment to face Declan.

“He wasn’t like that earlier. When he drove, I mean.”

His jaw shifts to one side. “You know . . . I kind of thought Cory was joking. But are you actually seeing that guy?”

My insides squirm. “No. I mean, kind of . . . but not—”

“Smoking, drinking, hanging out with jerk-off guys. Guess that’s your thing now, huh?”

“You don’t even know him.”

“I know enough.” He wipes his hand across his mouth. “So what, you’re going to drive him home and then . . .”

I don’t know what he wants to hear, or whether I’m actually supposed to fill in the blank. I’m not even sure what he’s mad about anymore. But before I can get an answer out, Declan scowls again.

“Whatever. Do what you want. I just don’t like the way he looks at you.”

“Oh, okay, and how’s that?”

His eyes sink down to my necklace and he steps off the sidewalk. “Like you’re replaceable.”

I grip Kyle’s keys tighter. “Declan . . .”

He keeps walking.

“You might want to say good-bye to Mackenzie before you leave,” I call out. “She was looking for you.”

CORY HANGS ON MY REFRIGERATOR
door, contemplating the pathetic selection in front of him. He picks up a half-empty jar of questionable pickles, reads the expiration date, and puts it back.

“There’s cereal in the pantry,” I offer. “Other than that, you’re pretty much out of luck.”

He dives in and returns with a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch tucked firmly under one arm. He shoves a handful of it into his mouth and moves into the living room.

Cory and I would always binge eat like this after practice. It was kind of our ritual. So despite the chlorine-laced BO wafting off him right now, it’s nice having him here.

Mom comes down from her bedroom and relaxes into the armchair across from us. She eyes Cory’s swim trunks. “That better not be a wet suit on my sofa.”

“Dry as a bone. We were just about to head over to the quarry.”

She lights up like a kid at Christmas. “That’s wonderful. I keep telling Harper she’s got a lot of work to do before the fall.”

“Mom, please. . . .”

“No kidding,” Cory says. “I heard she can barely float anymore.”

I take his cereal away. “Shall we?”

“Now, wait a second.” Mom licks her cracked lips and adjusts the scarf masking her hairline. “I haven’t had a chance to hear how Cory’s summer practices are going.”

“Yeah, and I would hate to eat and run,” he says. Then he ruffles my goddamn hair.

I palm his face and take the cereal box back to the pantry. Cory starts telling Mom how his 200 meter freestyle still isn’t improving from last year, but overall his times are looking good. He’s been competitive about swimming since the kiddie pool, but right now I can’t handle hearing him go on about it. I empty the dishwasher in an attempt to drown them out, but I still catch Mom mention something about tryouts.

“. . . just hate to see her throw away all those years of hard work.”

I’m back in the doorway in a flash. “We should really go now. It could start raining.”

Cory and Mom both squint at the window. Not a cloud in the sky. Still, Cory nods and gets off the couch.

“Mom, you need anything before we head out? I think there’s some fruit in the freezer. Want me to make you a smoothie?”

She gestures at the glass of water by her side. “I’m all set. Could you just hand me that book?”

She reaches for the shelf behind her and I pick up a paperback travel guide on Western Europe. “Going on a trip?”

Mom takes the book and opens to a dog-eared page. “Someday.”

I kiss her cheek and then Cory and I head over to his house. He stops in the driveway and digs in his pocket for the keys to his Honda.

“Did she seem okay to you?”

He unlocks his door and gets in, then leans across to unlock mine. I slide into the passenger’s seat.

“You mean, aside from the cancer?” he asks. “Yeah. Seems like she’s doing well.”

“Like maybe too well?”

His forehead wrinkles. “Is there such a thing?”

“I just mean . . .” I sigh. “Like that travel book. And the way she’s always laughing it off, like it’s the most normal thing that she’s practically dying.”

Cory is quiet. He puts the keys in the ignition but sits back without turning them. “You don’t really think that, do you?”

The lump is back in my throat. I can’t swallow it down this time. The waterworks threaten to start up, and I press my fingers under my eyes and growl. “I don’t know. Just . . . never mind.”

“I think it’s a good thing. If making plans means she’s fighting this.”

“Yeah.” I click my seat belt on. “No, you’re right.”

He starts the car and backs down the driveway. “Oh, and if she asks, I gave you the hard sell about getting back on the team.”

“Noted.”

He hesitates. “It
does
seem like a shame to give up the joy of six a.m. practices. Not to mention goggle marks and itchy skin. Sore muscles and a chronic chlorine cough.”

“Do you not understand the concept of a hard sell?”

“I’m just saying, it’s senior year.”

“And?”

“Maybe it’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

Cory knows as well as anyone, it’s not a simple matter of trying out again. The girls don’t want me back.

He slows before pulling out of our neighborhood. “Senior year,” he repeats. “We’re almost out of here!” He smacks the dashboard to emphasize his point, and he’s so full of conviction, it’s borderline contagious.

“Did you mean for that to rhyme?”

He scoffs. “Obviously.”

“Right. Do me a favor?” I smile and turn the radio up. “Save the sentiment for my yearbook.”

  *  *  *  

Cory and I have been at the quarry all of ten minutes when the rest of the crew shows up. Mackenzie emerges from the mouth of trees and comes bouncing down the dirt path, followed by Declan and Gwen.

How she has that much spring in her step is beyond me. It’s the kind of afternoon where I begin to doubt the sun is really ninety-three million miles from Carson. It feels much closer. And with the sky set to broil and the scattered pines providing little shade, my skin is craving some relief. I was just about to jump into the water, but I smack Cory’s arm instead. He lifts his head and pulls out his earbuds, squinting at me in the sunlight.

“What’s your problem?”

I gesture toward Mackenzie, who hops over a tree root and begins her descent to the stone ledge where Cory and I are sitting. “Why didn’t you tell me you invited them?”

“Oh, hey, I invited Declan.”

“Yeah, thanks. That’s super helpful.”

Cory props himself up on one elbow. “Are you going to make this weird all summer?”

He’s wearing contacts today, and sans glasses his stare is all the more cutting. It says everything he never does—that this is hard for him, too. That he missed having his best friend around just as much as I did. It’s the same look he gave me on Christmas Eve, the last time I pressed him about Declan.

“My mom and I ran into Declan’s dad at the store this morning,” I had told him. He dribbled his basketball once, twice, and took a shot. “He said Dec was doing really well at school. Adjusting, and all that.”

Dribble. Dribble. Shot. “Yeah, he seems good.”

I stuffed my hands deep inside the pockets of my coat. “Do you think . . . Is he dating anyone?”

Cory hugged the ball under one arm and huffed out a breath that turned to fog between us. “C’mon, Harper. Back in October we agreed not to do this. Your idea, as I recall.”

“I know. . . .”

“I don’t talk to him about you—”

“Sure you don’t.”

Cory took one last shot. Neither of us went for the rebound. “Look, what do you want me to say? You made it really clear you’d moved on. So he did too.”

And there it was, the answer I’d been searching for. Declan had moved on. Just like I’d pushed him to do, and just like I’d pretended to do. It didn’t matter that I’d been holding out this ridiculous hope that I could somehow figure out a way to make things right with Declan. What mattered was why we broke up in the first place. And that could never be undone. We were both better off this way.

I nodded, already backtracking toward my driveway. “Sure, of course.”

“Harper . . .”

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine. Merry Christmas, Cory.”

It wasn’t fair of me to involve him back then, and it isn’t now. So I smile and shake my head. “No. No weirdness. Sorry.”

“Hey, guys!” Mackenzie lays her beach towel down beside mine. Behind her, Declan sets a bag of food by the fire pit and makes his way over.

“Hey, Mackenzie.”

Gwen sets her beach bag next to Mackenzie. “Damn, it’s hot.”

Declan stops at the edge of my towel. “No kidding,” he says. Then he takes his shirt off.

And my eyes become glued to his abs. Those are new.

He pulls his hair back with an elastic band and I wonder if it’s the same one I gave him the night we climbed the water tower. His Ray-Ban-covered eyes turn toward me and I swivel back to the quarry, dipping my hand in and bringing some water up to my forehead.

Mackenzie stands up and pulls her sundress over her head. Her bathing suit is vintage-inspired, of course. The high-waisted bottoms and halter top give her all the right kinds of curves. “I’m going in.”

“Me too,” Cory says. He jumps in after her, followed by Gwen.

Declan is still standing behind me. I feel his eyes on the back of my head, but I stare straight ahead until finally he sits down on Cory’s towel. The only sounds come from our friends splashing their way out to the middle of the quarry and waves gently lapping against the stone edge.

“Declan,” Mackenzie calls out. “You coming in?”

“In a bit,” he calls back. Without looking at me, he says, “Never known you to stay out of the water.”

“Just getting some sun first.”

He nods and holds his forearm up to mine. “Good call.”

Suddenly I’m a lot more self-conscious about my paleness. “Wow, you are ridiculously tan already.”

He smirks. “Perk of spending my mornings caddying. It’s just my arms, though. I’ll have an awesome farmer’s tan going by August.”

I lean forward, cupping some water in my palm and dripping it over my legs. “Well, at least you won’t be covered in freckles like me.”

“Nothing wrong with freckles.”

Methodically I push my finger into each droplet of water on my thigh. Heat creeps up my neck, and it has nothing to do with the beating sun. It’s because I’m thinking about things I shouldn’t. Like the way Declan used to kiss his way across the freckles on my shoulder. Or the way he’d trace the bridge of my nose with his pinkie. Sweet touches that belonged to him and me.

I hate the thought of him touching other girls that way.

I never pushed Cory for details again, and honestly I don’t really want to know the particulars of Declan’s sex life at school. And I’m certainly in no position to judge, given the roster of guys I fooled around with. But none of them meant anything to me. As much as it hurts to picture Declan hooking up with random girls, it’s so much worse to think about him actually
liking
someone else. Even if it’s currently someone as nice as Mackenzie.

I’m out of water drops to focus on. And now I don’t know what to do with my hands. I take the hair tie off my wrist and start fiddling with it. Then I look over at Declan.

He’s already studying me. My shoulder, to be more precise. He swallows and then slowly lifts his gaze to meet mine.

Water crests over both of us and my breath catches in my throat. I snap around to find Cory treading water with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Let’s race,” he says.

A shiver runs up my spine from the cold. I kick some water at him. “Asshole.”

Declan stands. He runs a hand over his now-wet hair and mumbles something about getting lunch ready. Then he walks back to the forest, not stopping until he’s reached the fire pit.