The Years Between (28 page)

She nodded.

“Who did I pick to be the mother of my baby?”

Her voice was shaky when she spoke. “Me.”

“Yeah. You,” he said with total confidence. “And do you think I would pick a woman to raise my baby if she weren’t loving and warm and wonderful? Or if I didn’t have complete and total confidence in her? Come on, Jessie, you know I wouldn’t have volunteered to have a baby with you if I didn’t completely believe you could not only handle it, but excel at it. You know I don’t allow failure.”

“Then you should have picked a different wife,” she muttered, her tone annoyed.

“I should not have picked anyone else. I love
you
. You will be a compassionate, kind, caring, nurturing mother. You will be… you. All the things that make up the woman I love.”

“Do you really think that?”

“Jessie, I won’t lie to you.”

“I know you won’t.” She finally relented. He leaned back and brought her with him before sliding her to one side of him and letting her rest in his arms. She slowed her tears and her breathing. They lay there for a long while as sun reflected its rays on the walls and ceiling of the bedroom, and the fan spun lazily. She closed her eyes, and after a long while, opened them and brought herself back to the now. To their home. Away from all the hurt and horror residing in her memories. It was and would always be the fabric of her life. There was no escaping it. Only living with it. And Will made living with it so much better.

His arms tightened around her and his muscles bunched and flexed as he rubbed his hands over her back and shoulders. She thought after enough time, the flashbacks and cutting and desires that were dark and awful might eventually vanish. Perhaps she could be free of them. It was difficult for her to realize she would never totally be free. They would never totally be gone.

But thanks to Will’s love, years of counseling, and her own hard work every day, there was hope she could live with it. Most days, she found happiness and fulfillment, but it would never, ever be a perfect process.
Her goal now was to minimize the bad and maximize the good. She coped with it at first by nearly destroying herself. And Will along with her. She eventually saw a way to live with it that did not involve self-destruction. But then, she was alone and barely existing. Now with Will, she had to cope and pursue a real life. She deserved that.

She took in a deep breath to allow the thought to register in her brain. So easily, her brain rejected that thought, automatically denying it, while reminding her she did not deserve love or happiness. She was unworthy. She was bad. She was a terrible person. Bad things only happen to bad people. What would become of her baby? Because she was so bad.

She squeezed her eyes shut. That was the general’s voice and his only legacy for her. The general’s reality was not hers. She was not bad, and she deserved love and Will and… this baby. She deserved to be a mother.

“Better?”

She must have loosened her facial muscles, for Will always picked up on her body language.

“Maybe.”

“How about we go out dinner?”

She smiled. “Out to dinner? After a meltdown, and cutting, and more reassurance that I’m normal, you want to go out to dinner?”

He leaned back so he could look at her face. He smiled into her eyes. “Yes. I want to go out to dinner with you.”

“Will Hendricks, why do you want anything with me?” She said it as a joke, but her sigh of longing was sincere.

He stared into her eyes and said, “Jessie Hendricks, because I think you’re fucking awesome.”

“Fucking awesome? That’s not as profound as your usual pep talks.”

“Fucking awesome just sums it all up for me.”

“Fucking awesome,” she repeated with a faint smile. “Okay, I’m a fucking awesome mess, and I’m glad that works for you.”

He nodded. “It does. It works wonders for me.” He moved closer and kissed the end of her nose. As he leaned back, his hand touched her stomach. His face turned serious. “I’m happier now, this moment, than I’ve ever been in my entire life, Jessie. That is what works for me.”

Her smile felt wet as fresh, different,
happy
tears filled her eyes. “You are?”

He nodded. “What do you think we waited all those years for? This. This is what we waited for, Jessie. To come home from work, and be together. To decide if we should go to dinner. Or not. Or lie on our bed. Or go to a movie. Or maybe find a new hobby. Or go to the dentist together. Or… whatever we want. This is all we talked about, to choose when and where and what we do.”

She reached up and adjusted his askew tie. “You were not meant to wear a dress shirt and tie just to be bored in the same place every day.”

He grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “Maybe I am. Maybe I like earning a living for my wife and future kid. Maybe I like coming home every day more than I liked being awesome in the military. Maybe I like knowing what my wife is doing, and calling her at three o’clock to see what the fuck she’s up to, just because I want to know. Maybe I like mowing the
lawn and feeding the animals and watching you frolic with our dogs. Maybe I like all of this. Did you ever think of that, Jessie? Maybe I was waiting for all this too. Maybe I was waiting for you as much as you think I saved you. I never had any of this either. Maybe I want to go to work in a dress suit and tie so when I come home, I can put all my energy and passion into what awaits me here at home. My family.
You
.”

She sucked in a sharp breath. “Oh my God. That was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever said to me. That was…”

“Fucking awesome?” he supplied helpfully with a wide grin.

She was crying again and nodded and smiled through her tears and hiccups. “Yes. Will Hendricks, that was fucking awesome.”

~Year Five~

“Are you sure about this?” Jessie asked Will. She inquired one more time to be absolutely sure.

He slowly nodded his head and inhaled and exhaled as if in Lamaze class. She bit her lip to hold back the laugh. Sometimes, he could be so serious and so intense. Picking up the envelope, she tilted her head as if to say, once more, it was his last chance. She held the results of the ultra sound they had done two months ago. At the time, they did not want to know the sex of their baby. They wanted to be surprised and planned to wait until the baby was born.

But lately, Will became particularly fussy about things. He became hyper organized. Going through the entire house, shelf by shelf, closet by closet, room by room, he took three loads of stuff to the local charity and two truckloads of odds and ends out. He bought every possible closet and shelf organizer on the market. He hung hooks everywhere and bought more storage totes. Jessie could honestly say she lived in the most organized house on the planet, although she feared he might be bordering on OCD. There was a particular place for every coat and shoe they owned. He even branched out into the garage, the vehicles, and the barn.

Will painted the nursery three times. First, it was a nice yellow until he decided it should be more neutral. So he painted it beige. Jessie helped him the second time, but refused to assist any further when he decided to go with a darker beige. The reason for the third go-around was because it might be a boy. The first beige was too bright, Will thought, but the second would have worked for a girl too. Jessie rolled her eyes, but wisely kept silent. Will was gradually losing his mind in all the organization.

Will’s strong need to control his environment was the direct result of his mother’s alcoholism and the unpredictability it caused in his young life. It was why the Army so appealed to him as a youth. It was a way out with structure and organization, the same things that dominated Will’s personality. And now, most likely Jessie’s moods also contributed to his need to be in control of his physical environment. She owned her responsibility in that. Will didn’t always know what to expect with her; but he dealt with it well.

Until r
ecently, when he started organizing everything from his tools to their laundry. Jessie worried when he started on her things. She caught him going through her clothes and ordered him to find something else to do.

Staring at his hands that were clasped before him, Will sat on the ottoman across from her. She gently suggested perhaps they ought to just look and see what the sex of their baby was. Maybe it could help Will deal with it. He was, for once, going a little crazy with worry.

After forbidding him from web surfing about pregnancy statistics and baby care tips, he was already a wealth of knowledge on both topics. It got ridiculously annoying to Jessie sometimes. Whenever she ate something, or attempted to do a new activity, he was right there with his little “tip of the day.” She finally could not stand it anymore. She patiently let him advise her and control her until it began to border on crazy. When that happened, she knew it was time to reel him in a bit.

Jessie slit the envelope the ultra sound technician had so kindly sealed. The results were readily available in such a case as this; if they changed their mind and wanted to know the sex of their baby.

Her stomach was out now and there was no hiding her pregnancy. She gained over twenty pounds and wasn’t nearly to term yet.

She pulled the
results out and her heart stopped as she glanced up. Will finally raised his head to meet her eyes. She grinned wildly. “It’s a girl,” she whispered, sounding awed. No, shocked. It probably didn’t matter, since either way, she thought it was a miracle. Her heart dipped for a second.
A girl
. She already had a girl. Somewhere in the world her first daughter lived and breathed.

She touched her round, taut stomach and it felt weird. It was like a giant snow globe suddenly ballooned beneath her top. She often rubbed the baby and talked to her. She held her with her hands, because, unlike the last time, she was so relieved every single morning to wake up and know she was still there. She had an irrational fear of waking up one day and finding the baby gone. Not that she really thought that could happen. But the first pregnancy was traumatizing. Every day she was pregnant, she wished the baby would simply fall out of her. It didn’t feel like a baby to her. It was part of them, those men who so brutally raped her. In her mind, they still had her tied up before them.

Giving up her first born daughter was the only thing she could do. She did so without a moment’s hesitation, but it left her with a deep sense of guilt. It traumatized her as much as everything else that she endured.

But not this time. This was her
daughter.
She wanted her, and dreamt of raising her.

She glanced at Will, expecting him to reach forward and comfort her since he knew having another girl could be a little harder than having a boy. They already talked about it at length.

But… Will wasn’t doing that. He was staring at his hands and breathing hard. He shook his head. “Okay, a girl. I mean, huh. Okay.”

She tilted her head.

He muttered. “They like to play with dolls and stuff, right? I mean, I guess I can figure that out. But what about all that hair that needs to be brushed? Or the weird little outfits they like to wear? And their periods! God, they get their periods and then… what would I ever say to her about that? And boyfriends. Some little fucker will be knocking on my door to take her out… and trying to do all the things nasty teenage boys think about. No. No way. That can’t happen.”

He was muttering to himself like a crazy mental patient. Almost like… well, how she often envisioned herself becoming. He wasn’t talking to her, but seemed to be in a strange trance.

She bit her lip and tried to hold in the grin as she leaned over and took his hand. “Will?”

He glanced up and his expression was pained. “What?”

“Uh, we’ll have about sixteen years before the boyfriend comes to the door. Or who knows? Maybe you’ll luck out and see a girlfriend at the door.”

He frowned as his eyes narrowed at her. “Girlfriend? That would mean…”

“Gay. Yup. Could be. Who knows? Holy crap, baby, calm down. Come off the ledge. It’s just a girl. Not a leper. Not a monster. Not an alien. I mean, you knew that was a possibility, right?”

His expression wrinkled into one of complete
puzzlement. “Of course, I knew it was possibility. I just… always pictured a boy. I could teach him about guns and war and stuff. We could do all the shit I know how to do.”

“Well, first, you’ve got to change a few diapers before you try to play war with our child… but maybe your daughter will want to go blow up shit with you. You never know. You might luck out.”

He glared at her. “Are you mocking me?”

She fully grinned. “Completely. I am completely mocking you.”

Shaking his head, he turned to her and she took his hands. “She will start out as a baby, and we will grow with her. We will learn with her. It’s not something that comes all at once.”

His expression wrinkled into one of complete puzzlement
. “I should know that. I just, suddenly, wow, this shit got real. I mean, I know pregnant means a baby at the end, but thinking ‘it’ isn’t as real as ‘she.’” He swallowed and eyed her. “What if I’m not a good father? I know nothing about it, Jess. I never had one. I never watched anybody. I don’t know how to change a diaper. What if I drop her? Or overfeed her? Or well, hell, I have no idea what else I might mess up.”

She sandwiched his big, manly hand between hers and rubbed his knuckles with her fingers. “Will Hendricks, you will be a fantastic father.
First off, I feed the baby in the beginning, so you’ll probably be okay there. I’m the only one who has to worry about that. You don’t need to have had a father to have a good heart and know how to love. Both of which you excel at. My God, look at the upbringing I had! If I can contemplate parenting, then so can you. And too, how many other people had crappy childhoods? I don’t think we’re totally original in that. Doesn’t mean we can’t be fucking awesome parents. Right?”

He smiled, but only wearily. “Maybe.”

“We’ll do this together. We’ll figure it out. Just as we’ve figured everything out. As we figured Mexico out. If we could handle that, and still be here and pretty much happy together, then we can figure out how to take care of a baby. ”

He expelled a breath and closed his eyes. “Wow. This is really going to happen, isn’t it? I’m just not sure I ever pictured really having a child. A daughter. A wife. A family.”

She pressed his hands on her stomach. “Well, you do,” she said softly.

He put both his arms around her. “I do,” he said just as softly. Then he kissed her forehead. “Are you okay? I guess I flipped out for a few moments there. Is this going to be okay?”

She nodded. “Giving up my first daughter was the only decent and correct thing I could do back then. I would have only ruined her. And she’d have ruined me. I hate those facts of my life and the situation. But it is what it is.”

He brought her closer and sat on her on his lap. Leaning back, he held her against him and kissed her head again.

After awhile, she said quietly, “Will?”

“Yeah?”

“I’d like to name her Christina. After my mother. I’d really, really like that.”

“That’s a pretty name.”

“It is,” she agreed and closed her eyes as the thoughts of her mother filled her. A little bit of her past, the good part, would soon join the good parts of her future.

“Yeah. Christina Hendricks. That sounds… right.”

She smiled softly to herself. It did. It finally sounded right. And was all right. All of it. Her. Will. Them. Their future. Not perfect. But all right. And Jessie didn’t need any other guarantee than that. She wasn’t special. She had every opportunity to seek her own happiness or heartache, no more, and no less than anyone else in the world.

She tilted her head up so she could see Will’s face. “I love you, Will Hendricks.”

“I love you, Jessie Hendricks.” He smiled as he started to get up. “We should paint the nursery pink or purple or something. Beige is too boring and dull a color for our daughter. There is no way our daughter will be boring or dull. Nope. No way in hell Christina Jessica Hendricks won’t be the brightest, most beautiful girl in the world. Well, besides her mother.” He grinned with a wag of his eyebrows.

“Jessica?” She frowned. She was rarely called by her full name.

“Yeah. She has to be also named after
her
beautiful mother.”

Jessie rolled her eyes at his cheesy compliment. Her heart still lifted and pinged in the usual joy for anything he said to her. She started after him when he was already halfway down the hall. With a sigh, she realized they would have to paint the damn nursery for a fourth time. Maybe that would finally be the last. Or not. Oh well, even Will had to have his quirks.

She touched her stomach.
Christina Jessica Hendricks.
It was a beautiful name. And Will was right. No child of theirs would ever settle for beige in life. Their child, their daughter, their love would reach up to the stars with nothing less than the brilliance of every color the world had to offer. There would be no darkness for the new life their love created. Jessie finally believed in that. She could finally accept what brought her here, and all she suffered. Her reward was what she now saw before her.

Will was whistling down the hallway as he fished for his keys to go buy more paint.
“You coming, Jess?” Will yelled from down the hallway.

She opened her eyes and blinked to stem the few tears leaking from them. She finally possessed the strength to believe her life was not only healed, but
moving forward.

“Always,” she called back, despite the sudden lump in her throat. “I’m always with you, no matter what.”

He stopped, and turned slowly to meet her teary-eyed gaze in the shadows of their hallway. He suddenly grinned as he held up his keys. “Found them. Let’s go pick the perfect color, okay?” He reached his hand out for hers.

She stepped forward and inserted her hand
in his, exhaling a long breath. It was okay. They were finally okay. Her life with Will Hendricks would go forward, and she finally trusted that it was going to forever more be okay for them. “There is nothing else I want to do more than paint our daughter’s nursery, for the fourth time… with you.”