Then Kiss Me (26 page)

He only held me, didn’t try anything else.  I kissed him and finally fell asleep with my head on his chest.  I was at peace at last.

Chapter
Fourteen

I
AWOKE LATE
that night, buried in the pitch black curtain of midnight.  I couldn’t get my bearings at first.  But when I sat up in bed, I realized all my clothes were on, save my shoes.  Once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I noticed was in Scott’s room.  He was lying next to me asleep.

I wanted to make love with him, wanted to erase the memories of the morning before. 
So I slipped my clothes off and dropped them off the side of the bed.
  I tried to remember how I got to bed
earlier that
night, but I couldn’t.  All I could
figure wa
s that Scott carried me from the couch to his bed.  And he must have known I was still feeling vulnerable, because he hadn’t tried anything
, hadn’t taken any of my clothes
off,
even to try to make me comfortable
.  But I wanted him now, and knowing that level of sensitivity made me want him all the more.  I snuggled up next to him.  He was lying on his back.  I could barely hear his breathing but it was rhythmic.  I wondered how long he’d been asleep.

I ran my hand down his body, starting at his
pec
.  He was only wearing underwear.  Well, that would be easy enough to remedy in good time.  I brought my hand back up to his chest and ran my fingers across it, then brought my lips to his neck, leaving little kisses along his jaw.  Then I ran my fingers up and down his thigh, coming close to his penis but not touching it.  Well, okay, I brushed against it, but only because I wanted to see if what I was doing was working.

It was.

I felt his arm move up against my waist, and that was all the further encouragement I needed.  I sat up and then straddled his sides, still kissing his neck.  “What are you doing up?” he asked.

“
Shhh
,” I whispered in his ear.  I continued kissing his neck, just teasing him
, heating him up,
waking
him
further.

But I was unable to control myself and felt my hips gyrating against his hardness.  His hands wound through the hair at the base of my neck and he brought my lips from where they were playing on his chest up to his own, and once there, he consumed me.  Then he rolled over on top of me and he was completely awake.  He took one of my breasts in his mouth, making me arch my back and sigh.  His hand trailed down my abdomen to my slit, and I felt him slide a finger inside me.  “Jesus…you’re ready…”

“So fuck me.”

He didn’t need to be told twice.  I let out a heavy sigh as he entered me, filling me completely.  I was close, so close, and
he was too.  We were both trying to be quiet in the emptiness of the night, and somehow that made what we were doing hotter.  So as he moved inside me, my muscles tightened to the extreme and then released, and even though I consciously forced myself to be quiet, I couldn’t help but vocalize my pleasure.  It had always been something I had little control over, but at times I could minimize it, as I did at this moment.
  I kept it to a low rumble in my throat, until the very end when I said, “Oh, Scott…baby…”

And that’s when he came too.

And it wasn’t until I rested my head on his chest afterward
when
I felt the wetness between my legs that I realized we’d completely skipped the condom this time.  What the fuck had I been
thinking?  Hadn’t I decided I was going to get on the pill just to be safe?  Jesus…it was like I wanted to sabotage myself.

But he felt so right, and before he fell back to sleep, he said, “You are…something else.”  I kissed his chest.  “I mean that in a good way.”

I smiled.  “I figured.”

“You are something special, Casey.”

I forgot about my worries then, just focusing on the warmth of his voice and the feeling of love that was consuming me.

I woke up the next morning on my side, one of his arms around me, his chest pressed up against my back.  I lay there, enjoying and appreciating the feeling.  After a few minutes, I heard him say, “You awake?”

“
Mmm
-hmm.”

“We’re playing at a bar this weekend.  You
wanna
come?”

“When?”

“Saturday night.”

“Shit.  I think I’m scheduled to work
Saturday night
.”

“Closing?”

“No.”

“Well, we don’t start till nine, so…”

“Yeah, I can catch most of it.”  I liked that idea, that this time I’d be watching the band and knowing that…
whoa
.  The gravity of my thoughts hit me.  My
boyfriend
would be playing the drums.  But that was a line I wasn’t ready to cross yet.  It didn’t matter that I already knew I was in love.  I wasn’t ready to rest the waters yet.  I rolled over, having composed my face into a more neutral expression.  “I’d love that.”

“Cool.”  I felt him stretch.  “Sorry…I have to be to work at eleven.  I
gotta
get up.”  He kissed the top of my head and then sat up.  “I promise not to get donuts this morning.”

After that morning, he either spent the night at my place or I stayed at his.  We never spent a night alone after that until I left Winchester.  We didn’t even ask if we wanted the other over.  The question instead was whose place we’d be staying at.  And, more often than not, it was at my place, because I lived alone and we had more privacy.

When I saw Jim again, I saw that he
did
have a nasty-looking black eye.  He was humble when he approached me and said, “Sorry about the other day.  It’ll never happen again.”  Later that day he asked me to not tell
Julie
.

The days flew by and July was right around the corner.  I sold another painting, and Barry only called once more. 
I got to watch Scott play not once but twice, and the second time he did introduce me as his girlfriend.  That made it official.

So…things seemed to be going well.  I started drawing sketches of what I thought would be great tattoo art, gunning for the fall show at the Arts Center.  I figured I’d need to take some of my sketches in early August to see if I could get in.

And then I skipped a period.  At first, I thought I was just late.  But two weeks later, I still hadn’t had it.  I began to worry, wondering if I really could be pregnant.  I kept the fear to myself, though, because I’d skipped periods in the past and had late periods.  But I was still nervous, wondering if maybe I
could
get pregnant.  Why had we been lax about protection?

I knew why.  I’d already let Scott off the hook, telling him about my infertility woes, but I should have gotten back on the pill.  I’d thought about going to Planned Parenthood so I could.  Even if not, I could have insiste
d we use condoms.  But he was a ravenous
animal without them
,
and I loved that
.  We were spontaneous without them, not having to worry about when or where.  Yeah…irresponsible, I know, and I take full blame for that.

So I was grappling with the realization that I could be pregnant.  One night after work, I bought a pregnancy test at the store.  Scott wasn’t due over for several hours, so I figured I could just get it over with.  I followed the directions and waited a minute like the test said.  It was hard to read, but as near as I could tell, I
could
be pregnant.  The package, of course, urged me to see a doctor to confirm results.

My mind struggled with the idea that I was pregnant.  I started picturing it in my mind—a tiny child growing in my womb, something I’d never thought possible.  It made me feel warm and motherly, but it also scared the shit out of me.  I wasn’t married (my parents would freak out); I didn’t have a “real” job; I had no insurance.  What kind of a life would the baby have? 
And while I loved the idea of Scott being the father of my child, I didn’t think he was any more ready than I was.  We’d never talked about the future together, had never talked about anything like that.  We’d been too busy enjoying the present.

I used my phone to search the yellow pages online, looking for OB/GYN Services.  There was a Planned Parent clinic for low-income people like yours truly.  I decided I would call them tomorrow afternoon after work.

Scott came over later and we order
ed
a pizza and watched a movie.  I was thankful, because I wasn’t up for talking too much.  I was too scared, and I knew I couldn’t tell Scott.  Not yet. 
Maybe not ever.

And that night, we made love like it was the last time.  I didn’t know it then, but it
was
the last time before I left.  And, almost as though his subconscious sensed it, he didn’t let me go all night.  The next morning, I almost told him…but I didn’t.

When he left, I went to the Planned Parenthood clinic.  I decided not to put it off until later.  I couldn’t do anything until I knew for certain.

There was a young girl there…seventeen-
ish
, if my guess was right.  She was with her boyfriend.  I tried to read a
n old issue of
People
magazine
,
but I was too distracted and worried…and that made it impossible for me to tune out what the two were saying.

“Jess…you should let me come back there.”

“
No
.  It’s
my
body.”

“Yeah…but if you’re pregnant, it’s
my
child.  And I should have a say in it.”

She lowered her voice further, but I still couldn’t avoid hearing what she said. 
“Fine.
  But I don’t want you watching
if
I
have to
pee in the cup or if they have to do an exam.  Can I at least have a little privacy?”

“Yeah…of course.
 
Of course.”

That’s when the nurse came out into the waiting room.  “Casey?”  I nodded and followed her back.  I was feeling numb.

I sat with her in a little exam room.  She asked me a series of questions based on the forms I’d completed.  She asked me the date of my last period and other questions I can’t remember now.  She too thought it was possible I could be pregnant and she advised that I take a pregnancy test.  She gave me a plastic cup with a
blue
lid that had my last name written on top with a Sharpie.  I had to leave a urine sample in the cup, and then I had to put it inside the little door that looked like a cabinet beside the toilet.  But it had another door on the other side, presumably so the nurse could pull my sample out when she was ready.  When I came out, she was on the phone in a little
recessed desk area
across from the bathroom.  She covered the speaker and asked me to have a seat in the waiting room.

Shortly after, the waif-like raven-haired girl the nurse called Jessica went in the back.  I knew she was getting ready to undergo what I’d just done, but the nurse that took her back
acted
less interested than my nurse.  At least the nurse who’d talked with me seemed to give a shit.  This poor girl had to deal with someone who just wanted to go home and have a beer.

The longer I sat there, the more nervous I grew.  The magazine
didn’t hold m
y interest and neither did the television sitting in the corner of the room that the young man had switched on after his girlfriend had been called back.  Soo
n, she rejoined him and he switch
ed the TV back off.

“So?” he asked the girl.

“I had to take a
pee
test.  They’ll let me know when
they
know.”

Just a few minutes later, my nurse called me back into a room.  And the words she said took my breath away.  “Casey, your results came back
positive
.”  That last word echoed in my ears over and over. 
Positive?
  I missed part of what the nurse said afterwards, because I was in utter shock.  When I was able to pay attention again, she was saying, “…have counseling if you’d like to discuss your options.  Now, I want you to know, these test are not one-hundred percent accurate.  In fact, you’re welcome to come back and test again in a week.”  She took a deep breath and said, “If you choose to keep your child, we encourage you to schedule an appointment with an obstetrician as soon as possible.  We have a list of available doctors in our area if you’re interested.”  She made sure she had my attention when she said, “Any questions?”

I sat, still numb and in shock. 
Questions…only a
thousand
.
  How did this happen?  Well, I knew the answer to that one.  But how did
I
get pregnant?  Had Barry been the problem?  How would I tell Scott?  What the hell should I do?