Then Kiss Me (27 page)

Questions?
  Those were just the start.  But I answered, “Oh, no, thanks.”  I wasn’t able to say much more.

She said something else that didn’t register, and then I stood up.  “Thank you for your help.  She handed me several pamphlets, and I promised to look through them later.

She led me back to the
lobby
and then called the other girl.  She and her boyfriend stood up and the girl
stopped in front of me and
touched my
arm
.
  I looked in her eyes.  She said, “Are you pregnant?”

I wasn’t prepared to lie.  I just nodded my head. 
“Yeah.”

The girl looked worried, as though she could sense my fear, but she said, “Congratulations.”

As though I hadn’t been stressed enough, the girl’s reaction just compiled my feelings of dread.
I muttered something stupid like, “Good luck,” and walked out the door.
And I was so upset when I left that, to this day, I cannot remember the drive home. 
PREGNANT.
  That was all I could think, could see,
could
feel.  What would Scott think of me?  What about my parents, my sister?  Barry?  All I wanted to do was run away.

When I got home, I sat down with all the paperwork they’d given me.  One was on birth control (a little late)
,
another was on prenatal care, and the last on abortion.  Stop!  I didn’t think abortion was an option for me, especially after
having
believ
ed for so long that
I
w
ould never
be able to
have a child.  How could I lose this one chance?  There was already a life growing inside me, and this child was half Scott, a man I loved deeply.  I just couldn’t abort the child, no matter how much sense it made.

I grew upset to my stomach with all the worry and barely made it to the
bathroom in time to throw up.  But w
as it stress or was I experiencing morning sickness?

I even considered calling Barry.  He’d always seemed to have all the answers.  He would know what to do.  And…he’d wanted a baby so
badly,
he would maybe even be willing to raise
this child as his own.  He had good insurance.  We could get married again and—
what
the
fuck
was I thinking?

I broke down and cried…for too long.

The only thing I wanted to do was run away.  I hadn’t wanted to grow up yet and now I was forced with
an
adult decision, one I wasn’t ready to make.  Running away seemed like the perfect option.  I thought maybe I could go to South America or
Canada or
somewhere else, have the baby, and live my life.  Maybe even come back to Winchester when all was said and done. 
At least not as much could be said if the baby was already here.
  My mother would be the worst.  And I could maybe time it so Scott wouldn’t know the baby was his either, so he wouldn’t feel obligated if he wasn’t ready.

More than anything else, I needed to find myself.  If I was going to have to become a mother, I needed to discover myself…stop hiding from myself.  What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t know who I was?  That was part of the reason why I’d left Barry.  And now, here I was again, falling in love at the drop of a hat, becoming—of all things—a mother.  I still didn’t know who Casey was.  I didn’t even know if I liked her.

Rational or not, by the time I had to go to work, I’d made up my mind.  I was going away.  I would focus on my art (hoping it could become a solid source of income with which to raise my child) and on being a mother.  No matter where I went, I was sure I could find some kind of work, so I wasn’t worried about that.

I arrived at work early.  I saw Scott and waved, hoping I seemed natural.
  But then I spotted Ed.  “Hey, Ed, have you got a minute?”

“Sure.  What do you need?”

“To talk.”
  He looked serious and nodded, urging me to continue. 
“In private.”

“
Oh. 
Okay.  Let’s go.”

We went into his office and he shut the door.  After sitting down, he asked, “What’s up, Casey?”

“I’m really sorry, but I’m giving you
a
one-week notice, beginning now.”  Keep in mind
I’d only been at Bob’s for about
three
months.  I was bailing on
everything
…my job, my lease,
everything
.

I saw Ed start to grow angry as he often did.  He hated hiring new staff, probably more than Scott hated it.  But Ed’s temper was mitigated by the look on my face.  “What’s wrong?”

I felt warm tears start to force themselves out of the corners of my eyes.  “I can’t talk about it.  I just need to go.  Um, Ed, please don’t tell anyone else about this until tomorrow.”

I could tell he had more questions but said nothing.  “No problem.”  He
stood up and
put his arms around my shoulders and hugged me.  “We’re going to miss you here.”

“I’ll miss you too.”  He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed.  “Take as much time as you need in here.”  He got up and walked back to the kitchen.  I figured he was going to cover for me until I could get my teary shit together.

I grabbed a tissue off the desk and wiped my eyes and nose.  Now the hardest part:  Scott.

It was busy in the kitchen, and so I dove into the work.  I tried to act like everything was normal, but I knew it wasn’t working.  When things slowed down, I saw Scott in the corner talking with Ed.  Ed nodded his head and I heard him say to Scott, “You can go.”  Then he walked over to me and said, “Casey, go take your break.”

I knew Scott was clocking out, but I went outside.  I wasn’t ready to talk to him, and I was afraid to.  Lots of people were taking their breaks, now that the rush was over.  They were having
fun, enjoying the cool summer evening. 
Chattering, friendly, happy.
  And I wanted nothing to do with it.

I heard the door open behind me.  It was Scott.  “Casey, what’s the matter?” he asked softly, trying not to make a scene.

“Nothing.”
  I hoped to put off the inevitable.  Till when, I didn’t know.

“Come here.”  He grabbed my hand and led me behind the storage shed.  By now, everyone at Bob’s knew we were dating, so they probably just thought we were going to get hot and heavy in the fifteen minutes I had.  What made that okay was I knew no one would come back there and disturb us.

I could hear cars driving by
the restaurant
back there, but the employees taking their break were a dull roar.  The light from a streetlamp poured into the area, so I could see Scott’s face.  He said, “I’m not stupid, Casey.  What’s wrong?”

“Can we talk about this later?”

He saw the look on my face.  “Did I do something to hurt you?”

“Oh, no, Scott.
  It’s not that.”  He hugged me and I let myself fall into his arms.  I wanted to just get lost there; instead, I felt like a child ripped from its mother’s womb when he pulled my shoulders back so he could look me in the eyes.

“Casey, you’re crying.”  He wiped away a tea
r
with a finger.  “Talk to me.  I won’t believe it’s
not
something I’ve done if you don’t tell me.  Did Jim do something again?”  I shook my head. 
“Your ex?”
  I shook my head again.

I forced myself to maintain eyes contact.  “Scott,” I sobbed, “I’m leaving
Winchester
.”

He stood there for a moment, not knowing if he should believe me.  Then he let go of me, almost as though my flesh was burning his hands.  “Why?”

Oh, shit.  I had to think fast. 
‘Cause I’m pregnant
wasn’t the explanation I wanted to give him (thus the whole reason for leaving in the first place).  So I told him the rest of the truth.  “I need to find myself.  I don’t know—have
never
known—who Casey is.  I’ve always had someone in my life to rely on. 
From my parents’ house to college roommates, to boyfriends, to marriage, to this.
  I’ve never been alone before, never had to depend upon myself.  I have to learn…and I’m not getting any younger.”

Scott looked down at his feet, his fists shoved into his pockets.  “I can’t stop you.”  He said it more like a question than a statement of fact.  “So…that’s all we’ve become?  Something you call
this
?”  He was clenching his jaw as though he
was holding
something between his teeth. 
Fuck
…he was
pissed
.

But I also knew he was hurt.  I could hear it in his voice, even though I couldn’t see it in his eyes.  I touched his arm.  “Scott, it’s—”

He pulled away as if I were holding a hot iron on his arm.  “Casey, if you need to find yourself, you need to start now.”  Oh, Jesus…yeah, he was hurt.  After a pause, he asked, “When are you leaving?”

“In a week.”
  I had to leave before my body started giving itself away.

Another pause.
  “Okay.  I hope…you find what you’re looking for.”  And then he turned and walked away.

“Scott
!
”  I called after him again.  But I didn’t want to chase him.  Not with everyone else just around the corner.  So after I’d steeled myself, I casually walked around and watched him leave.  But some of my coworkers who were paying attention noticed how quiet Scott
had become before he left
.  They looked at me, accusations in their eyes.  Or was it my imagination, my own guilty conscience?

And that’s the way the whole week went.  Carla was the only person who asked me why I was leaving, and I told her what I’d told Scott.  Everyone else just treated me as though I’d personally betrayed them.  And maybe I had—Scott was well-liked by all the employees there, and it was no secret that I’d broken his heart.
  I was now playing a villain.

David was almost as hard to deal with as Scott.  He said, “You promised.  You promised, Casey, and you lied.”

“I didn’t use him, David. 
And I didn’t promise
shit
.
”

“You
knew
.”  He gave me a look that crushed me.  “And you broke his heart anyway.”
  And then he refused to talk to me anymore.  Needless to say, work was uncomfortable the rest of the time I was there.

I told my landlord the next day.  Lewis, such a sweet guy, said, “Casey, you’ve still got lots of time on your lease if you want it.  And you’ve paid your rent through the end of the summer.”  I thanked him and told him it was okay.  But he let me rent his storage shed in the back for all the stuff I wasn’t taking…which was a good chunk of what I owned.  He said he’d just take my rent and apply it to rent for the storage shed
, and he didn’t hold me to the terms of the lease
.
  I bought a new padlock and paid him in advance for the remainder of the year
for the use of the shed
.  “So you plan to
come
back, Casey?”

“Yes, absolutely.
  I just don’t know when.”

He told me to call him if I needed to get into the shed after he’d rented the house so the new tenants wouldn’t call the police or anything like that.  Lewis was pleased with all the work I’d done on the house.  I’d barely started on the yard, but there were no weeds.  I’d done that much at least.  He was happy, so that’s all that mattered.  I was glad, because he’d helped me save a lot of money over the last few months.

I had to decide what to take with me.  I packed a box of art supplies to take with me but
I was going to see if my parents would mind if I
stored my paintings and drawings in
their basement or someplace cool and dry if they had room.  I was concerned that the shed wouldn’t be a safe place.  I did set aside the drawing of Scott…that I was taking with me.  I’d also snapped a few pictures of him on my phone during his last concert
, so I could at least look at his face once in a while.  I packed a few changes of clothes and toiletries and fit everything into two suitcases.  The rest of my stuff that I wanted to keep I would store.

I got a call from Isabel at the art gallery—I’d sold another painting, so she had some money waiting for me.  “Bring me more.”  She’d already taken my weird pansy painting…that might have been the one that had sold, but I wasn’t sure.  I told her I was going to be leaving for some time and I wasn’t sure when I’d be back.  When she found out I wanted to store some of my paintings and drawings, she said she had a shelf on a closet where I could store them, especially if I wanted her to sell some of them. 
Hell, yeah
.  The only one I didn’t want to p
art with was already packed for my trip
.  She had my cell phone number and my parents’ address in case she needed to reach me.