They Told Me I Had to Write This (12 page)

Violet and I looked all through that section again and I picked out a bike that was a hot purple colour coz of Violet and it is called a Screamin’ Demon which is the most fantastic name. And the bike has fantastic Rock Shocks and hydraulic disc brakes and XTR RapidFires and twenty-seven gears and a madaz lightweight frame that came straight from outer space. But that price tag shocked me and I thought OK of Dad about that.

Ted said he would tag the bike and put it out the back for me and he got me to write my name on the tag. I nearly can’t believe I have to wait till my birthday to get onto that Screamin’ Demon.

Mr Carter met us at the smoothie bar with me buzzing and grinning and I couldn’t hardly stand still. I wanted to pay for the smoothies and hoped that I had enough pocket money even if I didn’t get to take Violet to the movies. And Dad and Mr Carter let me pay even though it took most of my money.

And that is when Mr Carter said he hoped the boys at the school were doing OK since the funeral for Hamish and I went really quiet when he said that. Then he said he was sorry that I had lost a friend who kept me on my toes when we were racing. I was thinking for a bit and I told him, ‘Thank you.’

Then he said something seriously full-on. He said he hoped that there was another boy at the school who could give me as much competition as Hamish did and keep me running hard on that new bike. And I said, ‘I hope so, too.’ And so it was suddenly serious talk at the smoothie bar.

All that good stuff on Saturday and Mr O’Neill is going to sort out Nick and me on Monday morning. It’s like the universe is giving me a reality check.

Love from Clem.

MONDAY, AUGUST 31
NICK AND ME AND DEFINITE DANGER

Dear Gram

Things are getting thick and fast around here. Mr O’Neill saw Nick and me today. We were looking sideways between us again and we didn’t know what Mr O’Neill was going to do but we just sat down in his office.

Mr O’Neill said that he was going to make this as simple as possible but no simpler. He told us that the answer to our fight was somewhere in us and we could share that answer between us if we were tough enough. And that was a straight-up shock because Nick had already tracked my front wheel and given me bruises and beat me on the rope races and it was not fair that we should have to see who was the toughest with me being so skinny and already with bruises.

And that is what I said straight up to Mr O’Neill and he accepted that and then he asked Nick, ‘What do you think about what Clem has just said?’ And Nick was smiling a bit and said he didn’t mind what Mr O’Neill suggested. And I could see that there were more bruises coming up but I wasn’t going to back down I can tell you.

So Mr O’Neill said to Nick, ‘Would you like to go first at meeting the challenge that I will set for both of you?’ and Nick said, ‘OK.’ And I was thinking that Mr O’Neill would set more stuff like on the ropes but no way. What he did was beyond anything.

Mr O’Neill said, ‘Nick, you are a tough kind of kid. Are you tough enough to tell Clem truthfully why you don’t like it when someone says, “Nick off” to you like he did?’ And Nick just sat there and went blank in his eyes and his face went white and I’ve never seen anyone go like that ever. And Mr O’Neill sat and waited and I sat and stared coz Nick was going someplace in his head that I don’t know of and his eyes were like stones and I swear he couldn’t even see out of them.

Then Nick started to cry and that is seriously hard for anyone around here, but especially for someone as tough as Nick. He just sat in that chair and didn’t move except those tears coming from his eyes and it kept on going for ages. Then Mr O’Neill said to him, ‘Nick, can you meet the challenge or is it too tough for you?’ And that is when Nick started to look out of his eyes again and I was pleased about that even if Nick is so toxic.

And Nick said, ‘I will tell him,’ and Mr O’Neill said, ‘Nick, I’m glad you can accept the challenge. Is there anything I can do to help you?’ And Nick said ‘No.’ Then he started to talk.

He talked about his father who has picked on him and bashed him all his life. His father hits him with beer bottles or BBQ tongs or whatever is in his hand at the time and says to him, ‘Nick off,’ and laughs as if he has cracked a joke, but he hasn’t really. And he said that his father has done that for his whole life and now Nick is taller and bigger than his father, but he still keeps doing it coz he knows Nick is scared of him as if he is still a little kid.

And that is the story of Nick and why he gets so toxic when anyone says that to him. And that is why he was so agroholic on me that day. All because of his father. And Nick looked at me as he said every word and that is full-on hard to do I reckon and I respect him for that straight-up.

And then Mr O’Neill asked me if there was any response I wanted to make to Nick. So I told Nick I was sorry for calling him that name when I knew it would set him off, but I was angry at him tracking my wheel at the top of the gully. I would not set him off like that again now that I knew about his dad. And I said that I was sorry his dad was like that because dads should stick to their sons and not treat them like crap. And then I said that I respected him for telling me the story when it made him cry in front of me.

Then Mr O’Neill said, ‘Nick, do you accept Clem’s response?’ And Nick said, ‘Thanks Clem,’ which is not anything like I was expecting when we started this session.

Then Mr O’Neill said to me, ‘Clem, I’ve got a challenge for you too if you’re tough enough.’ Suddenly I got nervous coz I had seen how tough it had been for Nick but I knew I was in the right and I said, ‘OK.’

Mr O’Neill said, ‘Clem, can you tell Nick truthfully why you have worked at it over many years to make life so hard for your dad?’ And I was high-level shocked about what he just said coz it was my dad that made life hard for me.

I just sat there and things went through my mind like the times he yelled me out and said it was my fault that my mum died, and how he was like a motorbike with no room for a passenger. And it was not fair what Mr O’Neill had said about me making life hard for him. And I didn’t know what was worse, having all that running inside me all my life or Mr O’Neill being so unfair, and I could feel my eyes heating up inside.

I was about to tell Nick that Mr O’Neill got it wrong but I remembered that Dad said he worried I might be doing drugs and about, ‘What if it was Clem instead of Hamish?’ I was getting hyperdrive but my mouth would not give me any words and it was like Clem the Clam was back but his engine was roaring. And then I looked at Mr O’Neill and was about to tell him he had it wrong but this was the test of toughness and Nick had taken it up and now it was my turn.

Mr O’Neill said, ‘Clem, can you meet the challenge or is it too tough for you?’ And I thought this was a bad time to give up and I remembered how Nick had those eyes like stones and I wondered if that is what I was like to him. And I said, ‘I will tell him.’

Mr O’Neill said, ‘Clem, I’m glad you can accept the challenge. Is there anything I can do to help you?’ And I said, ‘No.’

So I told Nick that my mum had died as I was being born and it was like someone came along to Dad and took away his wife who he loved like crazy and dropped this baby there instead. And Dad had to be both dad and mum, which was impossible for anyone.

I told him how I grew up hurting and angry and Dad copped all my crap and I started making trouble at school and they had to call Dad in from work so he would take more notice of me. And I told Nick of how being suspended from school was the greatest buzz and Dad didn’t know what to do about it.

Then Dad got a job that took him away a lot so he could leave me with my gram. But Gram got sick and died and it was like the world came to an end. Dad had to have me home all the time.

I figured out that I could really stir Dad up by getting into trouble with the police. That was something he never knew how to handle and life became harder and harder for both of us. It was like winning a major battle in a war that would never end.

And I told Nick that even though I blamed my dad for not sticking to me and for being like a motorbike without room for a passenger, he was really worried about me all the time but I wouldn’t ever let him show it and now that I was at this school I was only just starting to see that my dad wanted all that time to stick with me but I wouldn’t let him.

I turned my anger on everybody since I was a little kid, but Dad had taken most of it. And that day on the track I turned my anger on Nick.

It turns out Mr O’Neill was right about me after all. I hated what he said in the beginning but by the time I had said all that to Nick I was feeling a bit different about Mr O’Neill.

Mr O’Neill said, ‘Nick, is there any response you would like to make to what Clem has just said?’ And Nick said that he didn’t know all that and was sorry about my mum dying. But when I said about all the ways I tried to make life hard for my dad, well that made him think about his dad. And he reckoned it must have been hard for me to admit that all those things were my fault and he respected me for that.

Then Mr O’Neill said, ‘You guys are very tough to accept those challenges and I respect you both for how you handled them.’ Nick and I just looked at each other.

He told us that when something important like this happens he has the duty to tell the other teachers, but they will not say anything about it to embarrass us, and we should observe the normal group rule of confidentiality and not say anything to anyone of what the other person said.

He asked us how we were feeling about what we had said and we both said, ‘OK,’ but I know I said some stuff that took me by surprise and I was still in shock a bit. And Mr O’Neill told Nick and me that if we wanted to meet again he would be happy to give us some time, but if we wanted to talk anything through in private then he suggested we see the Rev.

Then he said, ‘Is there anything that you would like to do now? You might feel a bit over-loaded to go back to class.’ We said we didn’t know. And that is when he suggested we go with him to check the sheep, who are a bit stupid for me, and the calf who I like, and we checked the chooks for eggs. We didn’t talk much.

When we got back it was lunchtime and noisy but we were quiet. Everyone always wants to know what happened when someone gets scarfed up by the teachers. But Nick and I were pretty chilled, which sounds better than it really was, and we didn’t say anything.

This is the busiest day of my whole life and the only day that I ever told the proper truth and I am a bit normalised about that now but I am still in shock about it having happened and about what I said to Nick.

Clem.

STILL MONDAY, STILL WRITING

Dear Gram

This is the second letter today. We’ve got camp this week, which I like. I’m a bit scared about what to say to Dad after telling Nick the truth at last. Campfire makes things easier to say on camp but I don’t know how to say serious stuff to Dad.

This letter is to write something about Violet so you know why she is so fantastic for me. She has my photo on her mobile. And me too, of course with her photo. But it sure feels good that she wants me on her mobile.

Violet has a friend named Zoe and they text each other all the time and sometimes I say, ‘Show me,’ and Violet giggles and says, ‘No I can’t show you.’ And you know what? Sometimes she goes a bit red. I like it when she goes a bit red. Her eyes shine a bit differently and it makes her look even prettier.

I have this idea about them – Violet texts Zoe with, ‘I thnk yr bf is a qt esp wn he :),’ and Zoe texts back to Violet with ‘I thnk yr bf is a qt esp wn he says ur Ultra.’

Well the thing with this is that Zoe is a name that means LIFE and I have put that in capitals. I have a girlfriend who is friends with LIFE and that is so excellent because I didn’t think LIFE could ever be my friend. Things are changing for me.

H&K LUL — Which is full-on true.

OXO

Clem.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
GETTING TRIGONOMETRY

Dear Gram

This is a letter about trigonometry which you know I am not much good at.

The thing about trigonometry is that it only works when there is one angle in that triangle which is straight up. That right angle controls the two other angles which are always sharp and dangerous if you get what I mean.

I have found that when there are two people and they are sharp and dangerous on each other and there is another person who is straight up in himself then those three can work it out. But the person who is straight up is the one who should control the other two.

And that is what Mr O’Neill did with Nick and me. Very sharp of him. But it sure put industrial level danger on me at the time.

Triple love from Clem.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
THE DAY OF THE DOORBELL

Dear Gram

This is a weird campfire story from camp. Mike, who is Mr O’Neill, told this story about a guy and his wife sitting at home when the doorbell rang. At the door was a stranger with something in his hand.

The stranger said, ‘I am leaving this with you for one week. If you press the button you will get one million dollars and someone you don’t know will die.’ Then he was gone. Those people were full-on freaked out by that bloke. And there on the table was a doorbell button, just like at their front door.