They Told Me I Had to Write This (9 page)

Love from Cryptic Clem.

MONDAY, AUGUST 3
THE HAMISH MESSAGE

Dear Gram

We had English and Mr German gave us a few sentences and we had to write something with that as the beginning. The sentence Jacko and I had was, ‘He felt great anguish in his heart’. That was it. Not much to go on is it?

Anyway, Jacko started up with Mr German and he was working up to something funny, but he never got to finish it coz the Rev came and called Mr German out of the room. They came back in again and it was pretty clear that something serious was going down.

The Rev came to the front and said, ‘Boys, we got some bad news this morning. Very bad news for us all.’ Everybody went kind of quiet. ‘The bad news is that Hamish died last night.’ We all just sat there looking at the Rev. Nothing happened.

I checked around the room. He wasn’t there. Everybody checked. He still wasn’t there. We kept glancing at each other.

Somebody said, ‘Bundy’s not here either,’ and that started off the yelling.

‘That can’t be true. Not Hamish.’

‘No way, man. That’s wrong.’

‘You better go check your bleedin’ facts, Rev, coz this is a bad place for a joke.’

‘Frak, man, that is so off.’

We got louder and louder and the yelling was coming from everybody until we filled that classroom with f-bombs.

Nick stood up quick and his desk went flying and he went for Mr German.

‘You blit-brain,’ he yelled. ‘You put them sentences up there on purpose and now look what’s happened to Hamish. Call yourself a teacher? You dunno dog-shit.’ Everybody shut up. I guess Kryptonite becomes a way of life.

It was the Rev who spoke. ‘Nick, what you said shows that you care about Hamish. We see that. We all feel it.’ The Rev spoke calm and gentle, but his eyes were about to give him up.

Nick sat down and his face went blank. By then we’d all ran out of something, I don’t know what. Those four starter sentences were looking down at us.

1. He felt great anguish in his heart.

2. With deep sadness he was pondering the mistakes of his youth.

3. Feather light and quiet as winter snow he takes his leave.

4. Silence or violence, are they the only two responses?

The Rev went on, ‘We don’t know all the details of how Hamish died, but we will learn more later in the day. And boys, all the noise and the yelling today is important. Sometimes it takes a lot of energy to show that we love somebody. Being that angry is a sign that you guys loved Hamish. But we will also have other ways to show our respect for him.’

Respect. Respect and love. That’s what the Rev reckoned our noise was all about.

And that is how we got the news of Hamish. The sentences never got anything written onto them, they just sat there, talking about somebody who was not there to read them.

They’re not starter sentences, are they? They’re ender sentences.

Clem needs some mercy today, that’s for sure.

Clem.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 4
HOW HAMISH DIED

Dear Gram

We got told about how Hamish died. He had a drug overdose and that’s the rotten truth. I never knew he even did drugs but some of the kids here brag about how they smoke dope and some of them bring it to school, but mostly it gets found. But Hamish didn’t die from dope, but from some other rotten stuff.

The reason that they didn’t tell us straight up was that the kid who sold it to him was Bundy and you know what I reckon about him and the Aprilia. Well, they took Bundy away and now he is in some youth remand centre and the coppers are all over him like a rash.

Hamish has a little brother who was also doing drugs but he didn’t die. This is so complicated and it’s no wonder that we all sat in that class on Monday and started to go crazy.

It is so hard to do anything about Hamish. When I get into session I am always going on about something, but now Hamish has died I sit doing nothing. Saying nothing. And I was too scared to ring up Violet and tell her because her mum and dad might set her off me but I did it anyway and I’m glad I did.

When I rang her up she was upset and she told her mum and dad that a friend of mine had died and they invited me to their place on the weekend if I wanted somewhere to chill out. But it’s Hamish who died and they feel sorry for me and that’s not right.

Anyway, there’s going to be a funeral but I don’t know anything about that yet. And you know what? I hardly even know what day it is and I had to ask and it’s Tuesday. Monday was yesterday but it feels like Monday is still happening. I think my brain has stopped.

Lunchtime a few of us got out on the bikes just to ride the short track and Mr O’Neill came along but he didn’t do groups or anything, he was just there. Sometimes he canes the track with us but today he was just riding along behind us and we were all caning it and yelling and stuff. I reckon that we probably scared some of the new growth off the trees.

What am I going to do, Gram? I am so poisonous about what happened and how Hamish was at school on Friday and he was not there on Monday and that was that. ‘Feather light and quiet as winter snow he takes his leave’.

I’d like to start this week over with a normal Monday and no bad news. Anyway I’ve got session with the Rev tomorrow and our overnight camps have been cancelled until the funeral. Classes are going on as normal but there is not a lot of normal happening.

Clem.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5
DEADLY QUIET

Dear Gram

I had session with the Rev today and it was pretty terrible. It’s often pretty full-on but today was probably the worst. I sat and he sat waiting for me. Then I would say something and it was so pathetic that I wanted to chase the words out of the air before the Rev heard them. And he didn’t say much today. We just sat and looked. I thought it would make me feel better but it didn’t, it just made me see how empty I was.

They tell us that the funeral will be on Friday morning and the school will be there and when they take Hamish out of the church we will stand on each side down the stairs. Last night Dad asked me if I wanted him to take me to the funeral or if I wanted to go with school. I told him I wanted him to take me. I was glad Dad offered first coz it would be fully septic having to ask something like that from your own dad. It would be like bumping into his rear wheel for following too closely. So I will see the other boys at the funeral and then I think we’ve got something happening at the school.

Anyway, that was Wednesday and my time with the Rev, which was pretty terrible, and my time with Dad, which was better than most. It was like the day was back to front or something.

I don’t know if Violet is coming to the funeral but I will be with my dad and with the other boys from school. It would be excellent to have her there but I still don’t know what she will do. I’m not good at this stuff I reckon and I still haven’t cried about Hamish even though I am so fully blistered and upset.

Love from Clem.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 7
AFTER THE FUNERAL THE EMPTY

Dear Gram

The funeral was today and everyone was weird, the kids from school that is. Violet came with her mum and sat with Dad and me and the church was fully packed out and you know what? The Rev was helping to run the funeral. Fully true, there he was. It turns out he’s some sort of church dude and I didn’t know that. You sure can get these things wrong sometimes I tell you.

Hamish’s mum and his brother were all alone and his dad didn’t even show up. His brother is in year seven and he was doing drugs with Hamish and these older guys. He’s so lucky he didn’t die when Hamish did.

When they took Hamish from the church everyone from school stood down each side of the steps in honour of him. They had his mountain bike in the church coz that was the real Hamish and he loved going flat out so much. Over the coffin they had his bike shirt and helmet but it looked a bit weird among all those flowers.

When I was sitting there with Dad and Violet and her mum it was like I was in a family at last and it felt peculiar. And I looked up at Hamish’s mum and his brother and thought, there’s another family that’s been knocked about fit to destroy. And it was then that I started to cry and I just couldn’t stop coz I knew that there was Hamish in that coffin and under the flowers and the mountain bike helmet.

And I cried so hard that Dad put his arm around me and then I saw that Violet was crying too and that shocked me coz she never met Hamish. I suppose that is what families do, and for a little while we were just part of this big Hamish family.

Gram, I don’t want to go to another funeral ever. This was so hard but after my crying stopped I managed to feel a bit better and Dad took his arm away and said, Are you OK?’ And I said, ‘Yeah.’ And then Violet put her arm around me and it was enough to start me crying all over again but I only did a little bit and I think that was for me and not for Hamish this time.

I can’t believe that Hamish is gone with all his moon painting light across the water. I was in the church and stood on those steps and I still can’t believe it. But after the funeral we went back to school except Dad went to work and Violet and her mum went home. They had the school bus there to take us back if we wanted to go and we all went back, every one of us, except Hamish and Bundy.

When we got back to school we sat with the teachers and they asked us how we wanted to spend the rest of the day and a couple of guys suggested tackling the track or the ropes and some of the boys said they wanted to go out camping for the night. So we had this choosing thing happening like we do sometimes and we decided to light a fire in the middle of the paddock and we talked about Hamish and how he was always talking about girls and even about the toxic things that he did.

But mostly we talked about his speed and his style and being so agromaniac and reckless when he was racing. Then someone said that he rode his races as if he had a sign across his back that said ‘Show No Mercy’ and that was when I lost it and started to cry fit to sink.

When I got home Dad was already there as he left work early so he could be there when I got back from school. That was fully good of him and he asked me how I was doing and how the school had been after the funeral. So I told him how we had the campfire in the daytime and talked about Hamish but I didn’t tell him about me crying and the shame in front of everyone.

I told him how I rode home on a school bike and all I could think of was of Hamish straining like mad to stay in front of me, and how it was all I could stand to stop myself from PacManning all the way home like we sometimes do. That’s what I told Dad and he was OK with that.

From Clem the Merciful.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 8
FAMILY ZONE

Dear Gram

I think I am going to bust open with all the stuff that is happening. First there was Violet asking if I wanted to go with her. Then the bracelet. Then her mum and dad liking me. Then the Rev’s bike buring up and all that trouble. Then Hamish dying and the funeral and what was happening with Bundy. Then Saturday and going over to Violet’s house.

We sat in the kitchen with her mum and dad and drank Coke and they asked me how I was doing and what I had done after the funeral and it was just like with Dad the night before. And I was cheered up by that and feeling a bit better about the sadness and everything coz there was suddenly so many people that cared about what was happening.

Violet’s house is much tidier than Dad’s house and it is nicer too coz there are people living there and not just coming and going like it is with Dad and me. So we sat around for a while, but with everything that had happened in the last week it was awkward for me to talk too much and Mrs Carter suggested that we have some lunch and then we all go to the movies. Well, Violet and I looked at each other with a bit of a laugh and I went red again when I remembered us kissing. And she could see what I was thinking I reckon and smiled and said with her eyes all sparkly, ‘That would be wonderful.’

So that is what we did, except that when we went to find seats her dad had this big grin and he said, ‘You two can find seats up there and we will sit down here where you can keep an eye on us.’ He is so coolio-funny but I was thinking he’s probably got rear view mirrors on his glasses, and Violet was very incredible about it and she said, ‘No, let’s all sit together,’ which shocked me.