Third Chance (5 page)

Immediately, Ryan stiffened and she had to suppress a sigh. It was obvious even to Emma that Officer Daniels had a crush on her, but that’s all it was — a crush. He’d never outright hit on her, had been nothing but polite, but she’d been a Dominatrix long enough to see that familiar hunger in him, that need to serve. And while she had no urge to explore any type of relationship with Officer Daniels, that didn’t stop Ryan’s jealousy. He easily recognized a man whose interest in her went beyond professional and he didn’t like it one bit. Damn possessive Alpha males. Not that she could blame him. Officer Daniels was cute in an All-American boy kind of way and had a kick-ass body, but he was no Ryan.

Her man was perfection from the top of his dark head all the way down to his tanned feet. Muscular, solid, and had the stamina to more than satisfy her in every way. Yum.

Eager to embrace the warmth pooling between her legs, to think about anything other than her fear, Emma gently tugged at Ryan’s shirt, trying to slip it out from his dress pants. He placed his hands over hers, stilling her. “Emma, what’s wrong?”

Swallowing hard, she tried to put on her best “cold bitch” mask and looked up into his warm, dark eyes. The compassion she found in them, the love, made her suddenly feel ashamed and weak for trying to hide from him. Ryan had enough to deal with right now without throwing her freakouts into the mix. Physically, he was in good shape, his bullet wound was healing nicely and he’d returned to spending two hours in his personal gym every day before she even woke up, but there was something going on with his business right now that was bothering him. Eager to talk about something other than herself, Emma reached up and ran her fingertips over Ryan’s soft black hair, loving the contrast of her pale skin against his bronze tone.

“Did you find out what was going on with the person trying to hack into your system?”

His frown was immediate, as was the tension tightening his muscles against her. “Not yet. Fucker’s slippery.”

She waited for him to elaborate, but he just looked down at her, his gaze roaming her face. “I’m worried about you.”

“Honey, I told you, I’m fine.” The words came immediately to her lips, a lie so big she felt as if she were choking on it.

His full lips firmed into an angry line. “Want to go out on the boat tonight?”

Old Emma would have jumped at the chance, would have thought of a thousand ways that she could play with Ryan out there, a million ways to bring them both the kind of sexual release that they craved, but the new Emma balked at the idea. “Let’s stay inside tonight.”

“Honey, you haven’t left my house since you got here.”

She clenched her jaw and tried to move away from him, while giving him a smile that was more like a baring of teeth. “I don’t feel like going out.”

“Fine. We don’t have to go far, just come sit on the back deck with me.”

“No.”

The tremor that raced through her had to be apparent to Ryan and Emma tried to step away again, but he only crowded her until she was pressed up against the wall with his hands on either side of her face while he boxed her in.

“What is going on?”

“Nothing.” Emma tried to move, but Ryan wasn’t budging an inch.

“Bullshit.”

“What?”

“Bull. Shit. Do you think I don’t notice the way you’ve begun to avoid the windows and doors, how you flinch any time someone knocks, how you keep the curtains of our bedroom closed all the time?”

Hearing her weaknesses catalogued by Ryan twisted through her, bringing the sour taste of embarrassment to Emma’s suddenly numb mouth. She wanted to make up excuses, to berate him for being silly, to lie and lie and lie about her ability to deal with all of this, but she couldn’t come up with anything that didn’t sound either paranoid or flat-out stupid. So instead of talking she tried to shove her way out of his arms again, only to have him press into her until she was crushed against the wall, his magnificent body holding her in place.

“Talk to me.” Ryan whispered as he began to place soft, warm kisses on her upturned lips, soothing her even as she tried to hold onto her anger. “I want to help you with whatever you need, but I can’t do that if you don’t let me in.”

For a long time Emma stared up at him, trying to figure out a way to placate Ryan without revealing how screwed up she was. “Really, I’m fine.”

“Is that so? Then how come we canceled going to see your parents last weekend?”

Crap, he had her there. They’d been planning on going — her family had been really looking forward to seeing her and Ryan. But the thought of Ryan getting shot the instant they stepped outside together had reduced Emma to faking being ill to stay home. Ashamed of her actions, she focused on Ryan’s throat instead of his all too knowing eyes.

“I was sick.”

“Bullshit,” Ryan said again, and Emma flinched. “Either you talk to me about what’s going on, or I’ll call up Moira and let her know that you’re afraid to go outside.”

“No!” Emma sucked in a quick breath and tried to compose herself. “I mean, that’s not necessary. I’m fine.”

Shit, if Moira came over, there was no way Emma would be able to hide how messed up she was from her best friend. Without a doubt, Moira would squeeze every drop of information she could from Emma, crack her psyche open like a nut and dig around until Moira found out that Emma wasn’t sure if she’d ever be able to leave Ryan’s house.

In two days it was Moira’s birthday, and Emma knew she couldn’t duck out on that without alerting Moira, but the very thought of being around so many people made her skin prickle in apprehension.

The thought of becoming a true shut-in scared her almost as much as the thought of her stalker, so when Ryan sighed in disappointment she whispered, “I just need some more time.”

“Time for what?”

He began to softly stroke her cheek and she turned into his touch. “To get over what happened.”

For a long moment, Ryan was silent, then he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I don’t think you can just get over it, Emma, but you also don’t need to suffer alone. I’m here for you, Moira’s here for you, and your family would do anything for you. We love you, and all we want to do is help you in any way you need.”

“I don’t need any help. I just need to toughen up and get over it.”

Ryan silenced her with a kiss, and it wasn’t sweet. “That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. You don’t need to toughen up. You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met. And everyone needs help once in a while. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Think of how many times you’ve been there for your family, for Moira, for your friends and everyone you care about. People come to you for a shoulder to cry on because they trust you, because they know you’re strong enough to help them through their own burdens. Do you think any less of them for struggling to deal with their issues?”

“Of course not.”

“Then extend the same courtesy to them, and trust us, the people who love you, to be strong enough for you to lean on when you need it.”

His words made too much sense but she hated the idea of appearing weak. “This is different.”

“Why? Because the indomitable Mistress Emma might be human?”

“Because I can’t protect you!”

He jerked back as if she’d slapped him. “What?”

“I can’t protect you, I can’t even protect myself and I fucking hate it. I hate that he was watching me, that he saw me at my most vulnerable, that he was privy to every moment of my life at home, a place where I was supposed to be safe.” The floodgates opened and she couldn’t stop the torrent of words pouring from her. “Can you imagine what it would be like to have your privacy invaded like that? There was a camera in my
bathroom
, Ryan. It makes my skin want to crawl off my bones. I feel so violated, so exposed, so
dirty
.”

Ryan closed the distance between them again and grabbed her in a hug. “Fuck. That’s why you don’t want to leave?”

Emma nodded against his chest, trying to ignore the way her tears soaked the fabric of his shirt. “I think about going outside, and all my brain wants to remember is how he could be out there, watching me, watching you. This blind fear is so stupid and irrational, so not me, and that makes me angry even as this lack of control over myself makes me want scream. I’m always in control, always, and that’s how I like it. To lose control over my own mind because of this bullshit makes me hate how pathetic I am.”

“You are not pathetic. Shit, Emma, anyone in your situation would feel the same way. It doesn’t make you crazy, it makes you human.”

Ryan’s words managed to penetrate the emotional storm whirling through Emma’s head and she softened just the slightest bit, her tense muscles easing. He sounded so sure, so confident when he said that. So strong. She needed his strength right now.

“Kiss me.”

Instead of doing as she’d asked, he pulled his head back from her searching lips. “I would love nothing more than to kiss you, but we need to figure out how to help you.”

Even though she knew it was irrational, his avoiding her lips made her angry. “I’ll deal with it.”

Ryan fisted his hand in the back of Emma’s hair and tipped her head back, his frustration and anger evident in his snarl. “We,
we
will deal with it. You are not alone, Emma. I’m here now, and you never have to face anything on your own again. I will always be here for you, in any way you need, and there is nothing that you could say or do that would ever make me think you were weak. Think about it this way. Is there more strength in facing your fears or pretending they don’t exist? All I’m asking for is a little trust. I promise I won’t let you down.”

She tried to look away from his intent gaze, but he wasn’t letting her. Despite the fact that he was her sexual submissive in the bedroom, she knew Ryan was about as dominant as they came outside of the dungeon. Especially when it came to protecting her, even if it was from herself. His obvious caring turned her on and she softened against him. In return, his hold on her hair gentled. “I do trust you, I do, but I don’t know how to handle this.”

“I know a great psychiatrist—”

“No. No shrinks.”

“But—”

“No. There is no fucking way I’m telling some stranger paid to hear my bullshit about my inability to handle my own mind.”

“Fine, but you need to talk to someone in addition to me. Someone who has the tools to help you through this. I have a cousin who’s a PTSD therapist. Maybe she could recommend someone.”

“I don’t have PTSD.”

The look in his eyes said that he plainly thought she did, but he didn’t argue with her. “Will you think about it for me, please?”

“Fine.” Emma rubbed her face with both hands and mumbled. “I could talk to Chris.”

Ryan stiffened against her. “Master Chris?”

“Yeah. In addition to being a pervert of the highest order, he’s also a shrink, and from what I hear, a damn good one. He mainly works with teens who have lost loved ones, but I think I could talk to him.”

Ryan cupped her face in his hands and leaned forward, then kissed the tip of Emma’s nose. “I have a really weird mental image of Master Chris all leathered out while sitting in some cluttered professor’s office smoking a pipe.”

Emma laughed, then brushed her lips against his. “He actually cleans up nicely. I’ve been to a few of the benefit auctions he organizes for the scholarship foundation he runs for children who have lost a parent.”

Shaking his head, Ryan took a step away, then grabbed her hand. “Never judge a book by its cover, I guess. What about Tanya? Is she a pink-haired brain surgeon in her spare time?”

Laughing, she allowed Ryan to lead her out of the kitchen. “No, she’s just our fairy princess.”

He grinned over his shoulder at her. “That I can see, with her love of glitter.”

When Ryan led her into the den, Emma noticed right away that the curtains had been pulled back, letting in the sunlight and the view of part of the front drive, along with the park-like expanse of the front lawn. Her heart rate began to speed up and she tried to focus on Ryan instead of the increasing feeling of being watched.

Ryan took her over to the brown leather couch that faced away from the windows, then gently lay Emma back so she was slouched into the cushions. This allowed her to slip down a bit so only the top of her head was visible to the outside world.

“I got you something while I was out today.”

The back of her neck prickled, as if someone were watching her, but she tried to ignore that feeling and focused on Ryan. “What’s that?”

“A new phone, since you can’t find your old one.”

He handed her a shiny new phone and she took it with a sigh. It was obviously top of the line and expensive, but Emma knew better than to fight Ryan on it. They’d had a rather heated argument about him spending so much money on her, but he wouldn’t budge, and the more she yelled at him about it, the more she’d felt like an ungrateful brat. That didn’t mean she felt comfortable with him buying her things, but she tried to be gracious about it.

“Thank you.” She placed a quick kiss on his cheek, then frowned down at the phone. “Too bad I lost all my contacts.”

“I can look them up for you.”

“What? How?”

Ryan shifted next to her, an uncomfortable look tightening his jaw. “I have my ways.”

Emma couldn’t help but laugh at that. “I’m sure you do. Are your ways legal?”

“Ish.”

“Ish?”

“Well, it is your information, so technically I’m not taking anything that you don’t own.”

“Would you go to jail if you were caught?”

“I won’t get caught.”

“That good, huh?”

“Yep.” Ryan gave her a charming grin that sent a bolt of warmth through Emma.

“All right. I really do need those numbers so I would appreciate it if you could get them for me.”

“No problem, sweetheart.”

She turned the phone over in her hand, not really seeing it as her mind returned to its normal — or would it be abnormal? — fixation on someone watching her. “Have you talked to the guards yet today?”

“Not yet. Why?”

Biting her lower lip, Emma refused to meet Ryan’s eyes. “I just want to make sure that everything is okay.”