Thirty-Eight Days (49 page)

T
hree weeks later, Clara watched as George—Noel’s brother—and Penelope danced as Mr. and Mrs. Parker for the first time. The smiles on their faces could bring her to tears. They had said their vows at dusk just near the lake. The lanterns lit the aisle as Penelope walked down in her mermaid-style wedding dress. It was hard to watch them say their vows. If she turned her head slightly to the right, she would see George’s best man.

Noel’s eyes burned into her, but every time she wanted to look, she would squeeze Alex’s hand tighter. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t want to see him. As much as she didn't want to admit it, he was the first person she looked for when she took her seat. Now she was regretting her decision not to bring Liam. Since their first date, they had been seeing each other for three weeks. They alternated between dinner at her place and dinner at his place.

The rest of the wedding guests started to join in on the dancing, but Clara’s chest started to pain slightly. She tried hard to focus on George and Penelope, but thoughts of Noel kept popping into her head. Clara sipped her champagne and tapped her fingers on the white-clothed table.

Scanning the room, she spotted Alex, Rob, and Max talking. She felt a little disappointed not to see
him
with them. She knew she should have checked “No” on the invitation. Every time she heard his name being called it was like a Band-Aid being ripped off her heart. She tried as hard as she could to run in the opposite direction each time she heard his name. The wedding reception would be over in a few hours, and then she could go back into the city and see Liam.

Clara needed Liam to take away the hurt that started to consume her chest. Liam had flown with both Clara and Alex to Sydney. He was waiting at his parents’ apartment for her; his suggestion of Clara meeting his parents was killing two birds with one stone. She stared at her small gold clutch. She was hurting inside, and the only person that knew about her turmoil was Alex.

“Clara.”

She held her breath, knowing exactly who that voice belonged to. Her heart ached in pain and beat in excitement. It seemed her heart would always belong to him. Clara took her eyes off her clutch, and she turned to see those green eyes. The same green eyes that made her dreams feel like nightmares and the same green eyes she wished and always longed for.

“Hello, Noel.” It was all she could reply with. Clara’s eyes met his. Grief seemed to replace those beautiful emerald eyes he once had.

“Can I have this dance?” Noel asked. His gaze never left hers as he held his hand out to her and Clara stared at his hand for a second. Those hands had once been wrapped around her as she slept. “Just one dance. Please, Clara.”

She tore her gaze off his hand and looked back at him. “I don't think that's a great idea, Noel.”

“I promise, just one. Nothing more,” he replied.

She looked down at his hand and then up at him. A smile filled with sincerity was all she saw. Clara knew it was something she would never recover from. But she would have to. She would have to walk away. Liam was waiting for her, and Clara couldn't just walk away from him, not after he saved her from the darkness she found herself in.

Clara hesitated for a second, but her heart told her that it could sustain itself just for a moment with Noel. Her eyes met Alex's from across the dance floor, and he simply nodded. She took a deep breath in and reached for his hand. The moment they touched, she knew what she had always known.

This is home.

Her heart could feel itself beat again. The electricity that ran through her left her light headed. As they made their way to the middle of the dance floor, she watched the band nod at Noel and the song changed. The music called to her and reached places of her heart that she wished it didn’t. The melody brought back flashes of their first date.

Our song.

He stood there in front of her, assessing whether she would dance with him or not. "We don't have to if you don't want to, Clara," he said.

"No, I want to," she whispered; her heart yearned for this. She needed it like she needed air in her lungs. Because tonight, she would set fire to her home, let the ashes take flight with the wind. As Clara stared into Noel's eyes, she saw hope and she could feel it too. But there couldn’t be any hope for them.

Clara rested her hand on Noel’s shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her close to him. She looked up to see Noel’s jaw clenched tightly and his lips pressed together in a fine line. The urge to touch and smooth out the tension in his face grew deep. It took all her effort to keep her left hand cemented on Noel’s shoulder. As much as she wanted to deny herself this dance, it was perfect. This is where she felt like she belonged. This was where her heart would always call home.

As she got more comfortable with the dance and Noel's presence, she let herself get lost in Noel’s touch. She took the bold move and rested her cheek on his chest; the sound of his heart and the smell of him were too heartbreaking. Clara wanted them to be forever, but they wouldn't have made it. The realisation always made her eyes burn.

She tightened her grip on Noel’s shoulder. Tears started to burn. She didn’t want to cry, but she couldn’t help it. He’d always be her regret. Memories of their good times flashed before her. Just when she thought she could hope for more, Sarah and Valerie replaced their happy times. It only convinced her to keep quiet. She cared for Liam; she may not love him like she loved Noel, but the feelings were there. Clara’s heart started to break all over again. She knew she’d always feel this way.

"Clara," Noel's voice whispered, breaking through her cloud of what could have been.

She didn’t want to talk. She didn’t want to do anything but savour this moment. Come tomorrow, she’d be on a flight home to Melbourne. The crazy fictitious dream of a future with Noel should have been put to bed months ago. But she couldn’t control what her heart would always yearn for, even if he was the reason for her withering pain.

"Clara?" he asked again as they swayed with the music. Noel’s grip tightened. The way he touched her, it was always something she would crave for.

"Yeah?" she asked as she snuggled into his chest.

If only I could tell myself no then this would be so much easier.

Noel didn’t say anything. He just held her in time with the music. This dance was for them. The song would always be the saddest song she would ever know.

"Clara, I need an explanation," Noel whispered close to her ear. His lips were close to touching her and fire exploded within her, his breath sending an uncontrollable shiver down her spine.

No.

Clara froze. She couldn’t talk, not with him. She didn’t want to give him a reason. She came here to watch her friend get married. Clara knew she'd see Noel, but she thought it would be easy. They had nothing left between them. That love she suppressed was meant to have dissipated by now.

A sense of fear overtook her body. Clara’s heart was starting to clench that all too familiar pain. That ache always reminded her of what she walked away from. The memories of that night started to run through her head.
They both stood still on the dance floor. Clara opened her eyes slowly. She removed her head from his chest and rose to meet Noel's eyes.

"Clara, I need to know.”

C
lara took a step back from him and those brown eyes pierced into him. She was breaking his heart all over again. But he needed to know. The last five weeks had been pure hell for him. He had become a regular at a dodgy bar in the financial district. The run-down pub was a place where he could drink his sorrows away, where he didn’t have to put on a persona. Try and forget the woman that would always haunt him and leave him empty where his heart once was.

Noel took in Clara’s appearance. Her red dress looked bold against her creamy skin. Her hair was now cut short, just hitting her shoulder blades. Her short curls framed her face beautifully, but he missed her long locks. Clara looked petrified to be in his presence. He watched as her chest rose heavily and her lip quivered.

“I can’t,” Clara breathed out and quickly ran back towards her table, collected her clutch, and ran for the exit.

“Fuck!” he growled in frustration, and ran after her. Noel burst through the double door entrance and scanned the gardens. He spotted her sitting on a stone bench towards the back, a sniffle and sob escaped her. He shouldn’t have scared her off, but all the questions that he continuously asked himself for five weeks just came out. Noel took a few short steps and approached her. The sound of his footsteps crunched against the gravel. Clara stood up and turned to face him.

“We shouldn’t be alone with each other.” She wiped her face with her right hand before balling it.

“Why?” he asked as he took long strides until he came face to face with the woman that broke his heart.

“Because we just can’t.” Clara shook her head. Every word she delivered was like a painful stab to his chest. He had spent the last five weeks in agony over her, and he needed to know why. Noel couldn’t move on with his life. Not without her.

“Why did you end us?” Noel watched her wince. She wasn’t expecting him to be so forward or so forceful. Clara closed her eyes and teardrops ran down her face. He hated that he was making her cry, but he couldn’t live his life not knowing. Clara opened her eyes. Those sad brown eyes killed him inside.

"You don't get it, do you, Noel? You didn't get why I said it all? Why I wanted you to run from me?"

He missed her. He missed her voice, her touch, and the way she smiled when she woke up in the morning. But it was all gone, everything they
had
, gone. He shook his head and had to believe that it was possible that she still loved him. He hoped that not too much time passed between them. As much as he wanted to believe that there was still something between him, Clara’s stance told him otherwise. For now, he’d get his answers.

"No, Clara. I don't. I've spent all these weeks wondering and waiting for you. Please put me out of my fucking misery. Just tell me then I’ll let you go, for good, forever." Clara looked at her balled hands.

"Because Noel…" she whispered out.

"Because?"

Clara looked up from her hands and gave him a small smile, one that delivered a violent squeeze on his heart.

"Because you have every power in this world to break my heart! Don’t you see that? I was so in love with you that it scared me because I will never amount to Valerie… to anyone. You have my heart in your hands, you always have. And you have the ability to break it at any time. I just stopped you from hurting me again. Before you left me, before you realised I was nothing special to you. Because loving you, Noel… loving you is the hardest thing I could ever do. I said it all because you could destroy me. I’d never recover from what you had the ability to inflict. You hurt me so many times that I lost myself. I forgot who I was. Don’t you see, this love, our love, it’s the worst kind." Clara let out a sob before she wiped the tears that continued to run down her cheeks.

"But you taught me a painful lesson. The world is cruel. Liam saved me, and I owe him my world. I’ll spend however long it takes to make him happy. I owe him that." Clara’s eyes saddened and he saw her pain reflect in her golden brown eyes.

“The rumours are true. You are seeing him.” Noel’s heart felt like a cinder block being dragged down to the sea floor. He struggled to breathe, to comprehend what Clara was saying.

I left and he got her.

“Why are you with him, Clara?”

“Who, Liam?” Clara asked.

“Yes! Don't you know how much that kills me to have to hear that?” he growled.

“Why? We’re finished, Noel! Why should that kill you? You had
everything
you ever wanted! Isn't that enough?” Clara cried.

“If I had everything I ever wanted, I’d have you. But I don’t. He can’t have you, Clara.” It was the confrontation they never had. He was too stunned last time to fight back.