This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (23 page)

If there is one takeaway you can glean from this book, it’s that the most important thing you can do for your child is to continue to be a loving, consistent, compassionate parent. Your child is still your child, with many of the same needs they had before coming out to you. They should know that they can trust you and come to you in times of need, and that you love them and will remain a support system to them no matter where their life may lead. That consistency, especially in a time that can be fraught with confusion and uncertainty, will anchor them in otherwise stormy seas.

There are many powerful ways in which you can support your child. The following pages will address some specific concerns as well as more general questions. As you read, hold tight to the
knowledge that your support—in whatever form it takes—will be an immeasurable source of positivity throughout your child’s journey.

Q:
My child is being bullied at school. What do I do?

A:
There are several ways in which your child may be experiencing bullying. Classmates at school or people in the community may be targeting them verbally, physically, or through the Internet, or there may be various combinations of online and in-person harassment. Seeing your child go through such a difficult experience can be heart-wrenching, and many parents feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for not knowing how to make it better. If you are feeling guilty for not knowing the right way to handle the situation, know that it is unusual for a parent to be adequately prepared to handle bullying. While we wish that there were a manual given to parents of all children that helped prepare them for a multitude of things (coming out and bullying among them), that is not the reality. What’s more, each child and situation is unique; there is not one answer that will solve every problem. The following gives a general overview of important things to know when your child is facing bullying, but we also encourage you to look at the Resources on
page 222
so you can build upon this knowledge and seek out information specific to you, your situation, and your community.

Regardless of how you come to find out that your child is being bullied, your first step will always be to talk with them about the situation.

When you approach the conversation, keep the following in mind:

• Remain calm. Your child should know that you care about them and that the situation is important, but seeing you get extremely upset will only make things worse. It also has the potential to make your kid feel that they shouldn’t come to you with these concerns (for fear of then upsetting you more), or might suggest that an inflammatory reaction is the appropriate response to the bullying itself.
  
• Gather the facts. No one understands the situation better than your child. Find out when the bullying began, what has happened since then, who is involved, and if any other adults have been informed or have witnessed any incidents. Is it physical, verbal, or online harassment?
  
• Be sensitive. Sharing information like this is often very hard, and can make your child feel very vulnerable and, at times, bad about themselves. Make sure that your child knows that this isn’t their fault.
  
• Make a plan. Let your child know that you will not take any action before speaking with them about it, and keep that promise. Try to create a plan of action with your child so that you both feel comfortable about the way the situation is being handled.
  

The best-case scenario is that you and your child come to an agreement regarding the path forward. It is also possible that your child may not be willing to talk to you about the situation, or demand that you leave it alone and mind your own business. Recognize that these responses come from a variety of places—most of which are your child’s feelings of insecurity, fear, and confusion. If you feel that your kid is at risk, you will have to take matters into your own hands despite their requests. It is incredibly important, however, that you listen to their concerns, remain open with them about these decisions, and explain your reasoning.

If you decide to take action, here are some suggestions:

• Talk to the school’s administration. Prepare for your meeting with a list of questions: What are the school policies to handle discrimination or bullying? How have teachers been prepared? What is the administration’s opinion on what should be done? Don’t focus on a single incident or only your child; focus on the school as a whole.
  
• Engage other parents. The collective voice of many parents is a powerful force within school systems, so it is incredibly important to find out if other parents are experiencing similar issues with their children. Even if there isn’t direct overlap, having them on your side can make all the difference when it comes to making change within a school. Talking to the administration from a PTA standpoint is much more powerful than speaking alone.
  
• Find an ally for your kid. Even if there is only one teacher or counselor at the school who understands the situation, and who your kid feels comfortable approaching, that can make all the difference. Talk to your child to see if there is someone like this at their school, and encourage them to approach that person whenever needed.
  
• Review school and state policies. How do those policies and state laws protect students, teachers, and schools? What can be talked about in the classroom, and what kind of assemblies can be arranged to address the issue? Several states protect teachers by allowing them to bring in age-appropriate LGBTQ curriculum without the fear of being fired. If this is the case, you will have a lot of room to suggest public speakers, books, movies, or curricula that can help encourage awareness of larger issues.
  
• Check in with your child. Every step of the way, communicate your plans and actions with your child. Be firm in your decisions, but also allow them to respond as things progress. You may find that an angry and silent response turns into a very vocal opinion. Listen carefully to what your child says about these situations—they often have the best feel for what is happening within school walls.