This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (25 page)

If your kid wants you to attend events and become more involved and you’re not sure how that will make you feel, try some new things before you make a final decision. We interact with parents all the time who bring their child to Pride celebrations, drive them to LGBTQ events, and help them become and remain
involved in the community in various ways. There are many levels of showing your support and becoming an active member of the community, so there is certainly a way for you to navigate those options with your child. The effort you put toward trying new things will mean the world to them, and along the way you will also learn more about yourself and your interests.

Don’t feel obligated to throw yourself into the political deep end right away. Take things one step at a time. Perhaps you will go to the next Pride celebration in your town or in a nearby area. Maybe you will reach out to a local PFLAG chapter and begin by talking to other parents about their involvement. It is possible that this step might lead you to gather signatures for a local campaign or petition. That could inspire you to compose and send a letter to your local government asking for specific changes in a county-wide school policy. You may find that none of these things align with your interests, but at least you tried!

If you want to find more ways to become active in your community, look to the Resources on
page 222
for organizations that will be able to help guide you.

Q:
My political party doesn’t support same-sex marriage. How can I reconcile that?

A:
Many factors go into choosing a political party (or particular political candidate), and while gay marriage is an exceptionally important issue, there are many critical issues to be considered. You are not obligated to vote for a candidate who supports gay marriage simply because you now have a child who may be directly impacted by those policies. However, you
do
have an obligation to understand the implications of those policies (or lack thereof) and how those weigh against other relevant topics.

Many of us think that we need to choose and adhere to one political party across the span of our lifetime, and that we also must agree with that party’s positions across the board. It can often feel like we aren’t voting on specific issues at all, but rather that we are voting for one person to accurately express our opinions on everything. That is a seemingly impossible task. You may find that a candidate aligns with your views on foreign policy, education, the environment, and immigration (all incredibly important issues), but that you disagree with that candidate’s position on marriage equality and gun control (also extremely important issues). Make a list of the things that are meaningful to you, and then prioritize that list. Base your vote on what matters most to you. There is a chance that a politician who votes against gay marriage may work to pass another law that has an exceptionally positive impact on education, immigration, or health care. Only you can decide what matters most and, though it may be difficult, you have to be able to answer to yourself at the end of the day. If you know why you have made your decisions, you can then share your thoughts with those who question or challenge your reasoning.

Speak to your child about your process. Let them know the work that you put into coming to your conclusions and decisions.
Ensure that they know you support them in many ways, and that you are also willing to dialogue about how your political interests may be conflicted. Be willing to hear how they feel about the issues. You may find that your discussion with your child and your exploration of your opinions lead you to a place where you change your party stance. It may be a gradual shift, it may happen immediately, or it may not happen at all. Let an equal measure of head and heart guide you. We all make decisions based on various factors, and many of them weigh differently on our minds depending on who we are and how we experience the world. You may also find that your child will start weighing other factors beyond gay marriage and rights into their own political decisions. You and your child both stand to learn a lot from this experience, even if the road forward isn’t always perfectly paved.

Q:
Should I join support groups?

I never, ever thought that my mom would be the kind of person who would look to a support group to talk about my sexuality, so it came as a very big surprise to me when, about three years after coming out to her, I found a PFLAG pamphlet tucked in the back seat of her car. When I brought the pamphlet to her attention, she replied enthusiastically, “Oh, yeah! Have you heard of The PFLAG? They came in to talk to people at my job and I told them all about you!” Trying to conceal my amusement at her calling the organization “The PFLAG,” I asked what she had thought of the experience. She was, with no exaggeration, ecstatic. She
had asked one of the young women tons of questions about her life, how she knew she was gay, how her parents felt about her being gay, and the list went on. After that initial experience, my mom began talking to other people in the community who were gay or who had gay children. As she gathered more information from those around her, she seemed to get increasingly comfortable asking me questions. I think that one experience with PFLAG was a real turning point in her journey
.

—
Kristin

A:
You should absolutely join support groups if that is something that feels right to you, personally. You are certainly not required to—though many parents do find a wonderful community by doing so. The best thing to do at this point is to better understand what support groups offer, get a general sense of what it’s like to attend one, and then use those guideposts to inform how you would like to proceed.

What they look like:
Support groups like PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), or meetings held at local LGBTQ Community Centers, are open to the public. Some meetings are only for the parents and friends of LGBTQ youth, while others (often referred to as “mixers”) are open to families, friends, and the youth themselves. It will vary from place to place, but support groups generally involve a circle of chairs where everyone who attends can sit and talk with each other. Most meetings begin with everyone introducing themselves and possibly saying something about their week. No one is forced to speak about their
child if they aren’t ready, and participants can be as vocal or as quiet as they wish. There is usually a moderator who guides the group through a list of conversation points. These might include topics as complex as religion and sexuality, or as simple as your opinions on curfew times for teenagers. Most meetings like these are designed to bring people together around points of commonality, and topics of conversation are often suggested by members. Meetings are held in common spaces such as meeting halls, churches, libraries, or even people’s homes; they are free of charge, and the organization operates under a confidentiality policy. What is said during the meetings and whoever attends the meetings remain private.

What they offer:
The beauty of sitting with others in your community who may also have LGBTQ children is that you will find others who are having (or have had) experiences similar to your own. Just as it is damaging for LGBTQ youth not to see others who are facing the same questions and concerns as them, so, too, can it be damaging for you, as a parent, to be unaware that others have the same questions as you. Support groups offer a space where you can be yourself without having to fear judgment. The premise of support group meetings is to create a welcoming place for those who might feel too scared to share their questions with others.

Sergio, whose son Daniel recently came out to him, said that a huge step in his process was finding other families going through a similar experience. “Now, if I know of someone who may have a child that is gay,
I
want to help,” he said. “I want them to know they can come to us, and we can help them understand that their child
is still their child.” Groups like PFLAG offer you the chance to meet people who can understand your concerns, remind you that others have gone through similar situations, and also offer you ways to find further support, should you need it. The conversations that you have both within and outside of these meetings can help you better understand your feelings, and can help you prepare for what’s ahead.

If all of that sounds like the best thing you’ve heard of since sliced bread, then you should absolutely go to a local support group meeting. You might also feel that you have a sufficient community in your friends and family, or that you would rather deal with your emotions in a way that doesn’t involve sitting in a room with others. Not going to a PFLAG meeting doesn’t equate with not supporting your child. In fact, as this chapter has hopefully illustrated, you can support your child in many ways without joining a support group; however, joining support groups is an optional way to support
yourself
.

Also, perhaps you will want to seek out a support group, but now just isn’t the right time. Heading to a place like PFLAG may sound horrible to you today, but in three months may be exactly what you need to take that next step. It is possible that you will feel uncertain, and venture to a meeting to see what it is like; you may find that trying it out was the best decision you ever made, whether it led you to discover that you love the meetings or that you’d rather not return for more. If you decide to attend a meeting, you don’t have to go alone. It is completely acceptable to bring a close friend
or family member along with you, even if they just accompany you to the first few meetings so you can find your comfort zone. There is no way to mess up looking for support.

We’ve spent the entire book telling you to support your child and help them to find happiness, but it is equally (if not more!) important to also take care of yourself. You can’t be a supportive parent without knowing what you want and how you’re feeling. There are several resources available to you (many of which are listed in the Resources on
page 222
) that can supplement work in support groups, or stand on their own.

Q:
How can I show my pride without embarrassing my child?

A:
Follow the cardinal rule: Do not paint your entire living room in rainbow colors or dye the dog’s fur purple.

In all seriousness, having pride in your kid and in the LGBTQ community as a parent of a gay child is a brilliant thing. Know that your intentions are valued and your pride has (and deserves) a space. But your pride may be different from your child’s, and it is important to be respectful as well as proud.