This Is a Book (30 page)
Authors: Demetri Martin
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #General, #American, #Literary Criticism, #Essays, #Jokes & Riddles, #American wit and humor
G
UY
W
ORKING IN
B
OOTH:
Can I help you?M
E:
Yes. I’m trying to find someone who is a disappointment to his parents.Zing!
W
OMAN
S
ITTING
N
EXT TO
M
E ON
A
IRPLANE:
So, what do you do?M
E:
Oh, I get paid to make boring small talk with strangers on airplanes.Zing!
—And then sat in hostile silence for next 5 hours of flight.
W
OMAN:
Do you know what time it is?M
E:
Yeah. Let me see.
(looking at watch)
It looks like just past dumb question from annoying woman.Zing!
M
Y
F
RIEND:
I don’t ever get to travel.M
E:
Yeah, except for around the sun, every day, all the time.Zing!
M
E:
(paying at register, looking at jar that says “Tips” and then knocking it over)
Yeah, I guess it does.Zing!
G
UY
W
HO
H
ANGS
O
UT A
L
OT IN
C
LUBS:
How does my hair look?M
E:
It looks embarrassed.Zing!
—Then got punched in the face.
F
ULL
O
RCHESTRA:
(finishes playing long symphony)M
E:
(before anyone can make a sound)
Nice try.Zing!
—Then was lunged at by furious conductor.
M
Y
R
EFLECTION:
What are you looking at?M
E:
I don’t know, a two-dimensional jackass?Zing!
—And zinged at the same time.
S
URGEON:
We’re going to put you under now. Any questions before your surgery begins?M
E:
Just one. Is that your breath or did a small animal die really close to your mouth?Zing!
—Then immediately regretted it based on look on surgeon’s face.
1
Your Personal Carer Profile Assessment outlines your skills, abilities, interests, strengths, weaknesses, personality characteristics, and suggested career matches for your type.
You will find your Profile and Results below.
Your personality is suspicious, noncompliant, introverted, sneaky, untrustworthy, vengeful, greedy, unreasonable, and dangerous. You are naturally uncooperative and do not work well with others, at all. You are not a leader. Nor are you a follower. You are a disruptor. In addition, you are snarky, mean, pessimistic, and extremely unpleasant to be around. You are also very focused, but mostly on yourself. You are best suited for work that does not involve other people, that is, if you had any capacity for work whatsoever, which you don’t.
You are cranky, immature, insensitive, and extremely unforgiving. Considering these characteristics, aim for careers that relate to your top interests and compliment you as a person.
Listed below are strengths that are typical of people who score like you. Consider occupations that will enable you to capitalize on these strengths.
Personality Strengths
• Judgmental
• Opportunistic
• Stubborn
• Slothful, self-indulgent, and self-pitying
• Prone to complaining
• Unsympathetic to others
• Extremely complacent
• May take unnecessary risks that put others in danger
• May have an attitude of superiority
• Tendency to inexplicably punch things
Shown below are non-strengths that are typical of people who score like you. These are areas where improvement will benefit your performance. It is best to minimize exposure in areas that might showcase your non-strengths.
Personality Non-strengths
• Tendency to kick or shove people when confused
• Easily confused
• Overly sensitive
• Propensity for blindly following dogmas
• Formidably lethargic
• Morally bankrupt
• Quick to start stabbing things when agitated
• Prone to uncontrollable weeping
•
Uncomfortable in group social activities; can appear unfriendly and/or homicidal
Your extremely high score on the DOMINANCE scale indicates that you are naturally motivated to have absolute control over your environment and over anyone in it.
Your very low-range score on the CONSCIENTIOUSNESS scale suggests that you have the ability to be both precise and ruthless. You should be careful around babies and law-enforcement officials.
Some Possible Careers
Drug mule
Bouncer
Reality TV personality
Exterminator
Network television executive
Human shield
Civil War reenactor
DMV employee
Dental hygienist
Conclusion
This Career Assessment Profile has included a lot of helpful information, which you should take some time to process. If you do your best to apply your strengths and address your non-strengths you will fulfill your career and personality potential. Also, given your particular profile, it is important that you try your hardest not to kill anyone.
Every year drunk driving is responsible for over 20,000 stories that start with “Bro…”
“Yes” actually means “No” 100% of the time, when the question is “Can I give you some advice?”
For the price of just one cup of coffee you can feed a child a coffee.
4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.
Europe contains more than 85% of the world’s armpit hair.
The leading killer of daredevils is the ground.
The ces that this statistic makes sense are 1.2% in 5/9 out of π
In a blind taste test, 100% of the people tested preferred the taste of things that were not just shoved into their mouth by surprise without any warning.
Surveys indicate that 1 in every 1 person is you.
Over 370 trillion points are earned in pinball every year, which totals less than 1 impressive achievement per year.
If every person took 5 minutes less time in the shower, then people who take showers that are only 5 minutes long would start to smell.
Anvils appear 1000% more frequently in cartoons than in real life.
The average American household contains 2.5 television sets and 4.5 idiots.
1 in every 20 people is double-jointed. The other 19 really don’t care or need to do a demonstration.
It is safer to fly in a plane than it is to fly in a car.
“I love you,” she whispered into my ear. I was quiet for a moment. Then I turned to her and said, “I love you too, darling,” but I kind of burped it. It was all in one long burp. I could have done more words with it too, but I decided to cut it short. I remember the look in her eyes. It wasn’t a good look.
There’s an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don’t know it. And I don’t speak Russian. But I sometimes think about it and wonder if it is relevant to what I am going through at the time. But, probably not. I mean, what do Russians know about hunger, anyway?
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.