This Loving Feeling (A Mirror Lake Novel) (17 page)

One of Meg’s fine dark brows raised. “Enjoyed it?”

Sam shook her head. “Everything in my life has become a mess since he’s come to town. How could I have let this happen? I’ve learned nothing. I’m still the stupid infatuated girl, going after the gorgeous but irresponsible guy. And this time it’s going to ruin my life.”

Meg pulled her into a hug. “Stay at our place tonight, okay? Come home with me.”

Sam nodded and promised she’d wait until Meg settled up her part of the bill. In the little alcove near the exit, there was a large antique mirror mounted to the wall. Sam knew she shouldn’t have looked, but she did. The woman staring back looked sad and stressed. Diminished somehow. The glass was wavy and there was some distortion, but even so, Sam didn’t recognize her reflection. She wasn’t sure who she was anymore. Nothing in her life seemed to fit. Her entire life view had been disrupted by Lukas’s arrival.

Which was a shame. Because he had come and gone too many times, pulling her in with tidal-wave force and causing a tsunami’s worth of wreckage everywhere. You’d think she’d have learned her lesson. This time, she was fairly certain her heart simply couldn’t sustain any more breaks.

Why would she ever want someone who made her feel like nothing in her life fit anymore?

She’d clung to Harris for so long as her anchor of stability. He was cute, Ivy League educated, and going places. That had pleased her family and given her a respectable standing far from the lonely, on-the-fringes one she’d had in high school.

But maybe she’d clung to him like a crutch. Maybe she loved the idea of him more than she loved him for himself. She’d poked fun at Jess for relying on guys too much. Maybe she was just as guilty, but in a different way. And maybe it was time she started relying on herself.

Monday-morning sun streamed into the art room, lifting Sam’s mood a little. The familiar smell of paint and paper soothed her, too. Art always calmed her, even though she was still upset about Lukas and that kiss, and she still had no idea what she was going to do about Harris. And she’d had to share a bed last night with Meg’s one-hundred-fifty-pound Saint Bernard.

As she set up her paints and prepared a place for Effie to sit, Effie wandered around, looking at all the students’ projects Sam had hung up all over the room.

Joe Malone popped his head in. “Good morning, Sam. Morning, Effie. Glad to see so many of you teachers here closing their rooms up for the summer.”

Or forever
, Sam thought, looking dismally around her beloved classroom. Maybe it had been a bad idea to bring Effie here today to try and finish up her portrait. Sam was feeling too emotional. And confused.

As if sensing her thoughts, Joe gave a knowing little smile. “You know, your job’s still open. But it’ll be posted within the week. So if you’re having second thoughts, let me know soon.”

“Right. I will.” She managed a smile back.

“Well, got to be moving along. There’s a pot of coffee in the office if you want any.” With a wave, he was gone.

She just wanted to survive the day. That damn kiss had changed everything. Lukas couldn’t stay in her guesthouse. Or she couldn’t stay. He shouldn’t have done it. She shouldn’t have
let
him. But man, was it amazing. Oh, she was a terrible person. Maybe she should—

Effie called her name, thank God, breaking her stream of panic. She was standing in front of an iconic charcoal drawing of Bruce Springsteen, done by Calvin, in fact. “My goodness, Samantha. The talent your students have. Except what’s this one?” She pointed to an abstract painting hanging next to Bruce. “It looks like a boob.” She tilted her head sideways to view it from a different angle.

“It is a boob.” She steered her grandmother to the chair she had set up. “Please come and sit down now. I need to finish your portrait before the big benefit.”

“You looked a little upset last night talking to Meg in the bar.”

“I’m fine.”

“And you have dark circles under your eyes this morning. Surprising, because you and Lukas seemed to be having so much fun yesterday at the party.”

Pry, pry, pry. That’s what Effie did, but you hardly knew it because she always did it in the gentlest way possible.

Jess walked in then with three steaming coffee cups. From Mona’s, not Joe’s dank coffee from the office. “He kissed her. On the lips. And she liked it.”

Sam made sure to secure a coffee before she shot Jess an icy stare. “I haven’t even told
you
that yet.”

“Meg was getting coffee this morning, too. She needed to vent.”

Vent my ass
. There were times Sam wished she lived in New York or San Francisco, someplace where you didn’t always run into people you knew. Or at least a place where the people you did know knew how to keep their mouths shut.

“I didn’t like it.” She squirted out some paint onto her palette. Except she squeezed too hard and it spurted across the desk.

“That’s not what Meg said,” Jess said in a singsongy voice.

“Jess, I know you’ve got a lot of end-of-the-year cleaning to do.” Sam stood and escorted her friend to the door. “So why don’t you get right to it and come back later—much later—when it’s time for a break?”

Sam sat again. “I’m starting to worry we’re never going to finish this.”

The fact that Effie was actually in place for once signaled the end of their discussion. For now. But Sam had no sooner painted a couple of strokes when there was a knock on the door.

“Can I come in?” a male voice asked.

Effie turned—of course. “Oh, come in, Evan dear,” she said. “My, you’re looking handsome.”

Sam stopped her work—again—to look up. Then did a double take and
holy moly
, Evan had vanished. And in his place was another man who vaguely resembled him except that he didn’t.

This person was not wearing smudgy glasses. His hair was cut. He was wearing a navy polo shirt!

“I was on my way out and I thought I’d stop and say hi.”

Jess popped her head in the door of the art room and nearly fell over. “Hey, I heard voices and wow—Evan? Is that you?”

“Hello, Jessica,” he said.

Jess immediately walked over and began stalking him in a circle. “You got your hair cut. Are those contacts? Nice shirt! And what’s this?” She picked up the book he’d set down on one of the long countertops. “This isn’t a physics book,” Jess said. “This is . . . French poetry.”

“Yeah, so what?”

Her eyes narrowed, as in
Who are you and what happened to the real Evan Wolensky?
“Why are you reading French poetry?”

“Because I like it. It relaxes me.” He tugged his book gently from her hands. “Besides, I’ve always read French poetry. You just never noticed.” He gave a wave from the door. “See you all at the donor dinner Saturday. Have a nice day, Jessica.” If he saw that her mouth was hanging open, he was too polite to say anything.

CHAPTER 13

“It’s too hot to hike,” Stevie whined as Lukas pulled into the MetroParks parking lot the following Friday afternoon. “I wanna go home.” In the rearview mirror, Lukas saw him swipe his forehead with his blanket. Lukas rolled his eyes, unable to decide whether or not to ignore Stevie or tell him to suck it up until he felt a tap on his knee. Mrs. Panagakos was eyeing him solemnly from the passenger seat.

“I’ve got this, Obi-Wan,” he said, then pointed out the window. “Oh, look, Stevie, James and his dad are here already. But if you’re too hot, we can always turn around and go home. But that would be a shame, huh, since they invited us.”

“I wanna go play with James!” Stevie said, releasing the latch on his booster seat and grabbing for the door handle.

Lukas met him as he jumped out. “Sunblock first.” Lukas managed a few quick slathers while Stevie gave him a disdainful glare and wiggled out of reach to go find his friend.

“How am I doing, Teach?” Lukas snapped the cap shut on the suntan lotion. “Am I getting this dad stuff down?”

Mrs. P., who had left the car and was now tying her sneaker, smiled. “You’re doing very well, my dear. Bit by bit, he’s learning and you’re learning. Oh, except I have to ask you if it’s okay to sign him up for swim lessons? He won’t swim with the Rushford kids. I’m afraid he’s going to miss out on a lot of fun if he doesn’t get over his fear.”

“I’ll try to work on that some in Samantha’s pool.” Actually, after that kiss last weekend, he wasn’t sure she’d talk to him again, let alone allow him back on her property, since he’d just moved their things out of her guesthouse today.

“Very well.” She pinched his cheek, kind of hard, but Lukas tried not to wince out of politeness. “I am proud of you. Just keep diverting him when he gets feisty—and using the force, Luke.” She chuckled at her own joke—that is, until she straightened up and glanced across the parking lot. “Oh, dear. Looks like you might need it.”

He looked up to see Samantha standing next to her grandmother and Ben. What was she doing here? Certain as stink on a skunk, if she knew he’d be here, she wouldn’t have come. He caught Effie’s eye and she immediately glanced away. Well, that explained that.

Sam never returned that night after the kiss, leaving him to toss and turn, awakening to every stray creak and groan that might have been her car motoring up the road, or the garage door opening.

She’d been in school every day, and in the evenings she came over to the guesthouse to see Stevie but avoided talking to Lukas as much as possible.

Every night since, he lay awake, giving himself plenty of time to think about that kiss. That fabulous, inevitable kiss he’d felt right down to his bones. He knew, no matter how much logic kept them apart, he couldn’t deny it any longer: he wanted her, and it was time they talked about it. Resolved, he tucked the sunblock into his backpack, slung it over his shoulder, and followed after Mrs. P.

“Love your fanny pack,” Sam was saying to Effie, whose pink sneakers matched her ball cap.
Love your fanny, too
, Lukas thought,
and other assets
as he checked out Sam’s dark green shorts and red tank top, her hair piled atop her head in that artsy way that was meant to look messy and was sexy as hell. Just seeing her released a sweet flood of yearning everywhere. It was going to be a long afternoon. Especially if she refused to talk to him.

“It’s got my crocheting,” Effie said.

Ben shared a look with Sam. “You brought your crocheting on a hike, Ef?”

“I figured if I got tired I could stop for a while and not be bored.” Effie turned at the sound of crunching gravel. “Hello, Lukas dear, and Alethea.”

Sam saw Lukas and stiffened. The look she aimed at him practically drew blood, but if he could handle Stevie, he could stay cool through this, too. “Samantha,” he said, smiling pleasantly.

“I—didn’t know you were coming,” she said with a smile as fake as Alethea’s hair color. Her gaze drifted to Effie.

“Oh, I’m sorry, dear. I must have forgotten to mention it. Getting old’s a bitch, you know?” She tapped her temple with an index finger. “The memory’s the first to go.”

“That’s not going to be the only thing that will be going,” Sam mumbled.

“Lukas,” Effie said, pointing to his bottom half. “I love those—what do you call them?—cargo shorts.”

Sam gave him the once over. Her gaze told him she liked what she saw despite herself. Which made him feel better about that kiss. Like, it might be possible, despite her involvement with he-who-shall-not-be-named, that she might just want to kiss him again.

He had to stop himself from getting too close to her for fear that he might just run his hand along the soft skin of her inner arm, or press his lips against the warmth of her beautiful neck, which he’d have perfect access to with her hair swept up like that.

Anyway. “I need the pockets for all this stuff I have to carry.”

“What stuff?” Sam asked.

He pulled out keys, a juice box, a purse-size bottle of hand sanitizer, and a penknife. Stevie’s inhaler and travel-size suntan lotion followed.

Sam eyed Lukas’s pockets. “There’s something else in there,” she said.

“It’s nothing,” he said.

“No, it’s round and hard.” She touched it through his pocket. “What is it—a compass?”

“Don’t get fresh.”

“I’d like to get fresh,” Alethea said. “Not with you, specifically, Lukas, even though you are hot stuff, but in general.”

“Mrs. P.!” Sam said, a little appalled. She pried out a compact mirror.

“Why would you bring that with you?” Ben asked, chuckling. “For zit cover-up on the trail?”

“If you must know, it’s to signal the plane in case we get lost.”

“Why not just bring a cell phone?” Ben asked.

“I have that too,” Lukas said. “But just in case there’s no reception in the woods.”

“You’re such a girl,” Ben said jokingly.

“Shut up, Ben,” Sam said. “You might be good at doctor emergencies but what did you show up with today, huh?”

Ben shot her an older-brother look and tapped his temple. “I’m resourceful, babe. Like Survivorman.”

“Now, dear, don’t be cocky,” Effie said, turning to Lukas. “I like the camo backpack, too,” she said with a wink. “Very stylish.”

“What’s in there, hot stuff?” Sam asked, pointing to his backpack.

“Bug spray, more juice boxes, fish crackers, a first aid kit, and an extra pair of Batman undies.”

“Wow. Prepared for every emergency. I like that,” Sam said.

“My middle name is prepared.” He was glad she was impressed. Little did she know that’s what you tended to do when all you remembered of your childhood was chaos.

“Nice camera, too,” she said, checking out his eighty-to-two-hundred zoom lens.

He shrugged. “I want Stevie to have lots of great memories to replace the bad ones.”

His comment seemed to strike her. Her eyes softened, and she gave him a look like she really didn’t hate him at all. He sure didn’t hate her, either. There he went again, staring at her too long, so long she blushed. It was just how cute she looked in those hiking boots and those little shorts, and how great her rack looked in that tank top. If they slept together, all of this longing would go away. Wouldn’t it?

As they set off on the path, the boys scrambled up a rock and Lukas took pics of them posing at the top, biceps flexed. They ran around and pretended to shoot each other and blow things up, just like a million boys did every day. Only for him, every burst of mischievous laughter was a revelation. That Stevie had a buddy to run around and play with. That the sadness that was so much a part of him when he first came to be with Lukas had lifted. He had Sam to thank for a lot of that.

As they walked, he pretended to take pics of everyone and everything, like the trees and the play of light in the woods, but every chance he got, he snuck shots of Sam as she joked with the boys or helped her grandma or talked thoughtfully with Ben.

“So, dear,” Effie said, suddenly beside him. Alethea miraculously appeared on his other side. “Tell me about your family. Alethea tells us you’re planning to reunite your brothers.”

Lukas frowned at Alethea, but she was suddenly very busy examining the ground. “My brothers and I haven’t been together since I was ten.”

“Stevie’s father is addicted to drugs,” Alethea whispered.

So much for keeping
that
a secret.

“Oh, dear. I’m so sorry,” Effie said. Lukas was, too—especially knowing how quickly that news would fly around to Brad and the brothers. Another piece of ammo to use against him.

“What about your other brothers?” Alethea asked innocently.

He shook his head. “Last I heard, Roman was in New York working for a craft beer company. I don’t know where my two younger brothers are.”

“So are you going to find them?” Alethea asked.

“Well, with our history—”

“The bonds of family can’t ever be broken,” Alethea said. “Maybe you were meant to use your success to bring your family back together.”

Lukas almost snorted. He could barely remember when they were a family. And that was probably a good thing. Not many pleasant memories on that front, at least as far as his parents were concerned.

Except he had loved his brothers. He’d made a big effort to stay in contact at the beginning. Nico never had himself together enough to be an oldest brother, so Lukas had stepped into that role, doing his best to care for his younger brothers, but circumstances made it impossible.

Some elemental pang of nostalgia hit him . . . building snow forts. Playing catch. Trying to help Roman with homework and having Drew, who must’ve been all of six at the time, correct him. All of them scraping money together one Christmas to make sure their youngest brother, Jared, got a bike from Santa. Lukas had tried to shield his brothers from the drunken wrath of their parents, but it wasn’t good enough. He should have done better. Maybe that was why he often avoided thinking about what became of everyone. He’d failed to keep them all together, and now they were scattered far and wide like dandelion seeds.

The boys suddenly ran toward them from up ahead. “Come see this cool lizard we just found!” The ladies and Ben went ahead, but Sam surprisingly hung back with Lukas. He took a picture of her as she walked at his side, protesting for him not to take it. He wanted to capture every quirk of a smile, every frown, every expression on her face. So he could remember. Okay, that was a little stalkerish. But still, he couldn’t help it.

Her hand pressed lightly on his arm, and he realized she was touching his nicotine patch. “How’s kicking the habit going?”

“Haven’t touched a cigarette for twelve days. But who’s counting.”

“Nice.”

Effie called back from the front of the group, “When my friend Gloria stopped smoking, she gained thirty pounds. Did quitting give you a sweet tooth, dear?”

“Can’t say it has,” he said to Effie. Then he lowered his voice so only Sam could hear. “I crave another kind of sweet.”

“Like what?” Sam asked innocently. “Candy, cake . . . ice cream?”

He stared at her long and hard. “Just one woman I can’t stop thinking about.”

She stopped and let the others go ahead of them. “I thought we weren’t going there again.”

“I never made any promises.”

“Look, I want you to . . . I want you to stop flirting with me.”

He got in her face. “No, Samantha. I can’t do that. I’m not sorry I kissed you and I don’t think you are either.”

Sam kept walking, but they were falling behind everybody else. “I
am
sorry, Lukas. I never meant for things to start up between us again. You seem like you want me but let’s be honest, I’m just your girl-of-the-moment. Like when we first dated, you weren’t all that interested in having sex with me. But eventually you did because I was . . . convenient. And you thought what the hell.”

He froze in his tracks. Turned slowly around to face her. Snorted loudly. “Um, pardon me, but that’s not how I remember it.”

“Well, how do you remember it?”

He cleared his throat. “Let’s talk about this later.”

“No. Let’s talk about it now.”

“Sammy, you all right?” Ben called from up ahead.

“We’ll catch up in a sec,” she yelled back.

“It’s no secret you were out for trouble back then,” Lukas said.

Her eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about?”

“You know. The dyed hair, the black wardrobe.”

“You had plenty of rebel in you, too.”

“I did, but you were angry at the world. That never leads to good things.”

She frowned, and it seemed like she understood what he was getting at. “Okay, you’re right. Now’s not the time to talk about this.”

“Whoa. Hold up.” He grabbed her arm. “You brought it up, so hear me out. You wanted to have sex. You couldn’t
wait
to have it. You wanted to do everything possible to get rid of your good-girl image.” And he’d been such a fool not to help her with that—at first, anyway.

She turned red, and he knew he’d hit the mark. “I know I was foolish back then.”

“Don’t think I didn’t want you.” He snorted. “You’re all I thought about day and night. But you were so young—and innocent. I didn’t want to be the one to ruin that—ruin
you.
I didn’t want to have sex with you because you were hurt over everything that happened. I always knew you were a good girl. You deserved more.”

Tears sprung up in her eyes. She shook her head as if she didn’t believe him. “You didn’t have sex with me because of some effed-up code of honor? I know I was angry at first but I—I fell in love with you, Lukas. I loved you.”

Her words fractured his heart into a million pieces. All aching. “I held out as long as I could. Until so help me God, I couldn’t hold out any longer.” He’d loved her from the moment he’d set eyes on her. He’d tried so desperately not to get involved with her. But the volcanic force between them was too explosive.

She lowered herself to a rock. “You say it like it was something you finally did to humor me.”

He squatted down and gripped her by the shoulders. “You know how it was between us.”