This Matter Of Marriage (11 page)
Read This Matter Of Marriage Online
Authors: Debbie Macomber
“What a man wants in a woman he intends to marry,” he repeated slowly.
Hallie could almost see his mind working. “Think about it. There's no need to rush. You don't have to come up with an answer right away.” The question was complicated, and she wanted him to give it his full consideration before responding.
“I don't have to think about it. I already know.”
Hallie's heart started to pump with excitement. “You don't mind telling me?”
He grinned. “No problem.”
Hallie waited.
“Let's start with the physical.”
She should've known that would get top priority. “All right.”
Steve studied her as if to gauge how honest he could be. “I don't know a man who isn't attracted to a woman with big, uh, boobsâ” he glanced at her quickly “âand long legs.”
He paused, waiting for her reaction. Hallie refused to give him one, although she had to bite the inside of her mouth to keep quiet.
“It doesn't hurt if she can cook, either,” he added, “and these days that's something of a plus. The fact is, I'd marry a woman who could make a roast chicken dinner as good as my grandmother's.”
Unable to contain herself any longer, Hallie leapt to her feet. “You mean to say that for a man everything comes down to the physical? And if she can cook? That's disgusting! I'm serious here.”
“Hey.” He raised both hands in a conciliatory gesture. “So am I. Most men check out the equipment first. You wanted the truth and I'm giving it to you. Don't blame me.”
“This isn't a joke?” She stared at him hard, her outrage simmering just below the surface.
“No way.”
He might have looked sincere, but she still wasn't sure if she should believe him. “What about integrity and commitment? What about loyalty and honesty?”
“What about 'em?” he asked.
“Don't any of those qualities matter?”
“Well, sure, but that was understood. I thought you wanted something to give you an edge. Well, I'm telling you what it is.”
“You mean men really are that superficial?”
“Wellâ¦yeah.”
Hallie rolled her eyes. As far as she could see, she was a lost cause. She was short, had small breasts, and other than steak and salad, she couldn't cook worth a damn.
Does He Wear Panty Hose?
April 16
Something's wrong with Donnalee. She should be happier than Cinderella, since she's marrying Prince Charming. The woman's sporting the Rock of Gibraltar on her ring finger, yet it seems to be an effort to even smile. Sanford is a dream come true, but every time Donnalee and I chat, I'm left with the feeling that something's wrong. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she keeps dodging me. Says I'm imagining things. But I know Donnalee too well to be fooled. Something
is
wrong, and come hell or high water, I'm going to find out what it is.
It's been a couple of weeks since my big blowup with Mark Freelander. I couldn't believe it when he phoned the other day as if nothing had happened. The man's got nerveâand little else. I told him not to call me again, and I doubt he will. Dateline called, too, with the name of another man and asked if I was interested in meeting him. Right away the adrenaline started flowing and my imagination kicked in and I saw myself standing behind a colonial house with a white picket fence. I could picture two toddlers and a puppy frolicking on the lawn. The man beside me in this idyllic scene was kind of shadowy, though. That made me realize the odds of being disappointed again were way too highâwhich says a lot about my state of mind. Like I told Steve and Donnalee, I still need time to regroup, think things over and analyze what's happened. With regret, I told Dateline I'd pass, but to keep me in mind.
My problem is I need a break from all this. I've thought about Steve's so-called advice and I'm still annoyed. But I guess men do like well-endowed women. It's a fact of life; girly magazines prove that much. It makes me feel sort of disgusted, sort of amusedâand a teeny bit envious of women like Rita. (And Donnalee!)
Plus, that cliché about the way to a man's heart being through his stomach obviously has some basis in fact. So I could have saved myself the embarrassment of asking Steve, since he had nothing newâor usefulâto tell me.
Speaking of Steve, Mary Lynn has taken to dropping off Meagan and Kenny on Friday afternoons before Steve gets home. I've talked to her a few times, and frankly, I find her shallow. A real airhead, in my opinion. I'm probably prejudiced because I like Steve, but it seems crazy for a woman with a decent husband and two beautiful children to destroy her marriage in order to “find herself.” She's easy enough to like, though, and I wish her well. Steve, too, of course.
Meagan has a key to Steve's place and the kids are perfectly capable of staying on their own for an hour or so, but they've been coming over to my house, instead. Actually, I enjoy their company. They're great.
As for dating, I've decided to stop for a while. I'll try again as soon as I've repaired my confidence. That shouldn't take too long. I've got too much invested in this project to quit now. Whenever I'm tempted to give up, I sit down and read through my goal planner.
This is possible. I can do this. I
will
do this.
T
he knot in Donnalee's stomach hadn't gone away from the moment Sanford had slipped the two-carat diamond engagement ring on her finger. She'd tried to ignore her discomfort, tried to pretend she was happy and, to her surprise, fooled everyone except Hallie. So far Donnalee had been able to put her off, but she didn't know how much longer her stall tactics would work.
Sanford joined her on the park bench. They'd been selecting china patterns at a downtown department store and had taken a long-overdue break to walk along the Seattle waterfront. Donnalee tried to absorb her surroundings, tried to shut out her thoughts. April winds whistled down the wooden piers, whipping the canvas awnings, and the American flag outside the fire station snapped to attention. The scent of seaweed and deep-fried fish blended with the tang of salt water.
Sanford wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “You've been so quiet lately,” he murmured.
Donnalee looked out over the water, and for no reason she could explain, her eyes filled with tears.
“Donnalee?”
She couldn't do it.
Right then and there, she realized she couldn't go through with the wedding, with pretending it didn't matter that this man she loved wanted a different future than she did. He'd made the idea of life without children sound wonderful and excitingâwith exotic travel and expensive cars and sophisticated pursuits. She'd tried to believe it. But when she was alone, she found herself thinking that what he'd
really
described was a self-absorbed lifestyleâempty and devoid of everything that was important to her. Not having a family was the right choice for some people; Donnalee wasn't one of them.
She stood slowly, her legs weak and trembling. “I'm sorry,” she said, her words breaking as she struggled to speak.
“Sorry?” Sanford looked confused and Donnalee sympathized. Her friends would call her a fool for letting Sanford go. He was a good man, a loving person, and she loved him, but this one thing came between them. He didn't want children.
For days she'd walked around attempting to convince herself that she'd made the right decision in agreeing to marry him. But no matter how adamantly or how often she said it, she couldn't make herself believe it.
Unable to speak, Donnalee removed the diamond from her finger and handed it to Sanford.
He shook his head in puzzlement. “I don't understand. Don't you like the ring?”
“Very much. It's just thatâ¦Oh, I feel so awful about this.” She bit her lower lip hard enough to taste blood. “I've decided it would be a mistake for us to marry.”
He paled. “You don't mean that.”
“I'd give just about anything if it wasn't true. I've tried to tell myself it didn't matter, us not having a family⦔
“So that's what this is all about.” His face tightened, and she knew he was closing himself off from her.
“I'm not judging you for that,” she went on. “It's not right to bring children into the world if they aren't loved and wanted. You recognize that, which says a great deal about the kind of man you areâhonest, mature⦔
“Then what's the problem?”
“I'm the problem,” she whispered, fighting to hold back tears. “Me, not you. Please don't think I blame you in any way.”
“You're going to have to explain this a little more clearly, Donnalee.”
She wasn't sure she could. “I married when I was young and for all the wrong reasons. I was in love, or so I thought. I had this dream of raising a houseful of happy children, being an at-home mom while they were young, continuing with my own education after they started school. I had this warm wonderful fantasyâand I had a husband who'd married
me
for all the wrong reasons.” She took a deep breath. “I thought my dream had died with the divorce. But you woke that dream in me again. You allowed me to believe in the possibility of it. Your love restored what my ex-husband stole from me.
“I do love you, Sanford. But I want children. More than I ever realized. And you don't. It would be wrong to marry you under these circumstances.”
He didn't say anything for a long moment. “You're sure of this?”
“Yes,” she whispered, her voice cracking under the strain of her anguish.
“Then that says it all, doesn't it?”
“Yes⦔
“I hope you get what you want, Donnalee.”
“You, too.” She saw regret in his eyes, even some pain. But without another word, he pocketed the diamond and walked away. In her heart of hearts, she knew she'd never see him again.
Somehow Donnalee made it home. She didn't remember getting into her car, driving, entering her houseânothing. She sat in her living room, arms wrapped protectively around herself, feeling a numbness that was very like what she'd experienced after her divorce.
Eventually she phoned Hallie. She needed a shoulder to cry on. Someone to talk to. A friend.
Hallie was on her doorstep within the hour.
“I
knew
something was wrong,” Hallie said forcefully when Donnalee answered the door.
“I broke off the engagement,” Donnalee whispered, sobbing and shaking.
Hallie said nothing. Taking Donnalee by the hand, she led the way into the kitchen and pushed her gently into a chair. Hallie moved about as if it was her own home, opening and closing drawers, putting a kettle of water on to brew tea. “My mother always said nothing's quite as bad over a pot of tea.”
Donnalee was content to let her friend do as she pleased.
“All right,” Hallie said, carrying two steaming china cups and saucers to the table. “Tell me why.”
“You'll call me a fool,” Donnalee said, and blew her nose into a crumpled tissue. “Everyone will.”
Hallie frowned. “I doubt that. What did Sanford doâwear panty hose to bed?”
Donnalee laughed and wept at the same time. “Hardly.” The picture was ludicrous. Sanford in panty hose.
“Are there problems with the family? His mother refused to allow another woman in her son's life, right?”
“No.” Again, laughing and crying, Donnalee shook her head. She grabbed a fresh tissue, inhaled deeply, then announced, “Sanford doesn't want children.”
Hallie slowly lowered her teacup. “No children?”
“He doesn't like children. He doesn't want them in his life.”
“Not even his own?”
Donnalee wearily closed her eyes. “No. He's very certain of how he feelsâso certain he's had a vasectomy. It'd be foolish to get married, hoping that in time he'd change his mind. And even if he did, there's no guarantee the procedure could be reversed.” She wiped her eyes. “Getting married would be unfair to both of us. Unfair and wrong.”
“I agree.” Hallie gripped Donnalee's hand and squeezed her fingers.
“I tried to believe we could be happy, just him and meâbut, Hallie, I want a family. Every time I see a young mother I find myself longing for the day I'll have a child of my own. I want to feel a baby growing inside me.”
“It was holding my sister's baby that woke me up, remember?” Hallie reminded her in a soft voice.
Donnalee smiled tremulously. Her friend had recently framed a photograph of herself and the baby. In it, Hallie sat in a rocking chair cradling Ellen, gazing at her with a raptness and a wide-eyed concentration that revealed the intensity of her desire.
“I know plenty of women are single mothers by choice,” Donnalee said, sipping the hot tea, feeling it begin to revive her. “But I want it all. Husband, traditional family, the whole thing. Am I being selfish?”
“No,” Hallie said, her voice rising with the strength of her conviction.
They sat in silence for a while. “How did Sanford take it?” Hallie asked at last.
“He didn't argue with me. I know he was hurt, but then so am I. I should never have accepted the engagement ring, but I'd convinced myself I could live with his decision. Not until later did I realize Iâ¦just couldn't.”
“Oh, Donnalee, I'm so sorry.”
“I am, too. I thought I'd be content lavishing love and attention on my sister's two children. But then, a couple of Saturdays ago, I had my niece and nephew overâso Sanford could meet them. In the back of my mind, I was thinking, hoping really, that he'd be so enthralled with them he'd be willing to reconsider.”
“Didn't work, huh?”
“Hardly.” She raised her eyes to the ceiling. “It was a disaster. Katie and Ben are six and eight, and it didn't take them two minutes to pick up on his attitude. Sanford and the kids did an admirable job of ignoring each other. After we dropped them off at the house, he asked how often I'd be seeing them andâ” it was painful to say the words “âhe hoped I didn't mind, but in the future, if I wanted them around, he'd prefer that he wasn't.”
“Oh, my.”
“I understand his feelings. He's never spent any time with children. He's an only child and he feels awkward around kids.”
“There'll be someone else for you,” Hallie said with such confidence Donnalee was tempted to believe her.
“Yeah, but is it going to take me another thirteen years to find him?”
“I doubt it.” She ran the tip of her finger along the edge of the china cup. “Do what I'm doing and take a breather. Give yourself time to get over this, then try again. There's someone else waiting and wondering if the right woman is out there for him. I comfort myself with that whenever I think about giving all this up. Next time you'll find someone who wants the same things you want. I'm sure of it.”
“You know what I'm going to do?” Donnalee said, feeling better already.
“Tell me.”
“I've got two weeks' vacation scheduled, and I'm going to take one of them, call my mom and book us a trip to Hawaii. I've never been there and we could both use a break.”