Three Loving Words (20 page)

“But-” I started to protest, but he laid a kiss on my lips; his sweet taste mixed with the salt of my tears.  I was clearly a little messed up in the head because I found that intoxicating.

“No buts.  Who’s to say things would have turned out differently if I had a chance to apologize?  Who’s to say we would have been happy then?  Don’t regret what we might have had because we have each other now.”

“Thank you,” I whispered.  There were no appropriate words to truly express how relieved I felt at that moment and how truly happy I was, making Enzo one hundred percent right.

“You’re welcome, but you don’t have to thank me.  I’ll always take care of you.  You were always mine to take care of, Paige, whether we wanted it or not.  And I’ve told you before that I take care of what’s mine.  I hope you realize that … that you’re mine.”

“I do.”  I couldn’t stop being his if I tried.  I was done for.  I just also knew that didn’t mean he was mine.

*****

Two months passed in a blur of entangled arms, legs, and bodies.  And yes, those bodies were Enzo’s and mine. We were acting like a happily married couple, minus the couple part.  Well, I had the couple part down, but I wasn’t sure what was going through Enzo’s mind and I didn’t dare ask.  All I knew was that I officially loved my husband.  He had literally changed overnight, not that I hadn’t seen glimpses of the man he was underneath all along. I just didn’t allow myself to truly believe all that.  But sleeping together had turned him from angry and agitated to appealing and loving. Suddenly, his demands didn’t sound so forceful but rather erotic.  His brooding moods were endearing.  And his command of my body … well, that was just plain hot.  I supposed my heart knew exactly what it was saving itself for even if my mind begged to differ.

I started noticing the little things I hadn’t paid attention to before. Like how at some point, my favorite cereal started appearing in the cabinet.  I knew the maid did the shopping, but I had a feeling she wouldn’t have taken the initiative to stock up on it without someone telling her to.  I realized Enzo always left the light on outside when I was coming home late.  He parked his car to the side during the week so it was easier for me to exit the driveway.  These were all things I had taken for granted but were clear as day now.  Enzo was getting sweeter and sweeter in my eyes.  I had dreamed of having a husband whom I loved with all my heart and it looked like my dream was coming true.  The only issue with that was the second half of my dream was that said husband loved me just as much in return.

While Enzo’s actions showed that he was different, I wasn’t so naïve as to believe that he would magically care for me like that in such a short time.  My feelings had been building for some time before they crashed over me.  And once they gushed, there was no stopping them.

I still pretended to live a fantasy life. Just like I had on all those family occasions, only for longer and much better now.

I had been in my own little world for a while now and that day was no different.  Maybe that was why it came as a surprise, although I should have known better when I came home early from work one day. I should have noticed the extra car in the driveway.  I should have heard the voices coming from Enzo’s room, but I didn’t.

I stopped dead in the doorway to his room.  Enzo was standing near the doorway with his back to me, but facing him, standing in the middle of the room with her arms spread open like she was waiting for him to gather her up was the most beautiful redhead I’d ever seen.  Freckles lightly dusted her face and highlighted her bright green eyes; a killer black skirt suit fit her like a second glove accentuated her body.  My heart plummeted.  No, it didn’t just fall; it ripped a hole in the Earth, made its way to the core, and sizzled up in the heat.

I had been right all along.  I wasn’t special to Enzo; I was just a convenient booty call, someone he didn’t need to try with or work too hard to get.  I was another girl in his list of many.  Deep in my soul, I had known that, but I never wanted to admit it to myself, which was why I never talked to him about what we were.  I certainly never wanted to see it firsthand, but there it was, staring me in the face.

I turned to leave, hoping to retreat before I embarrassed myself, but the noise I made as I banged the door had Enzo turning to face me and the redhead finally noticing that I was there.

“Paige, you’re early,” he stated with surprise.  I even heard a hint of guilt laced in his voice.  More proof, even though he had the decency to feel remorseful; it gutted me.

“I’m … I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to interrupt.  I’ll just leave you to do your thing.”  I turned quickly, hoping the pain and humiliation I felt weren’t written across my features.  It took all that I had not to run across the hall to my room.  I walked purposefully and carefully so as not to make any more of a scene.

I closed the door and then plopped down on my bed, my head hanging and my hands in my lap.  I felt like I sat in that position for an eternity with the pain slowly eating at me, but I know it was only a few seconds.  I felt a single tear snake its way down my cheek and didn’t bother to wipe it away.  My body felt like heaving, but the crushing weight of my agony was consuming all the energy I had.  That single tear was all my body let my heart have.

“Paige?” I heard Enzo’s unsure voice at my door.  “Is everything all right?”

Did he really think I could watch him with another woman and still be all right?  Was that what all his other conquests did?

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You don’t sound like you’re fine,” he said as he entered the room, closed the door behind him, and made his way to kneel in front of me.

What was the point in hiding behind those words? I decided to just tell him.

“I know I’m inexperienced with all this stuff and we never talked about what we were, so it’s not like we were exclusive.  It just hurt to see you with another woman.  But it’s fine, I’m fine.  Really.” I wasn’t. I might not have been telling him the truth, but I’d never admit that. 

“Not exclusive?  Another woman?  Paige, what?”

“It’s fine, Enzo, really.”  If I said it was fine one more time, maybe I’d believe it.  “It was just a shock to see you with someone else.  But I get it.  You should get back to your … er, date.”  I couldn’t think of a better word.

“Wait … you think her and I …” He trailed off as his face went through a mixture of emotions.  “Paige, she’s the interior decorator.”

“I don’t really care if she’s a stripper or the pope, Enzo.  It’s none of my business.”  He started laughing.  He actually started laughing.  “I don’t see what’s funny.”

“You won’t ever sleep in my room, right?”  He asked it as a question, but I didn’t need to respond.  “You said you didn’t want to be in a bed that I had shared with so many others.  Well, you shouldn’t.  You’re right.  So I’m changing it. I’m gutting the room, altering everything, making it new for you. For us. It was supposed to be a surprise, but you came home early.  That woman is a designer, not someone I’m sleeping with.  You, Paige, are the only one I’m with, and the only one I want to be with.  I am exclusive and so help me God, if you tell me you haven’t been or aren’t planning on it, I might break something.”

“You’re changing the room?”  He nodded.  “For me?”

“For me, too.”

“And you’re not sleeping with anyone else?”

“Not since we’ve been together,” he told me as he sat on the bed next to me and wrapped his arms around me.

This time, the tears did come.  He wiped them away before placing a tender kiss on my lips.  “You’re the only woman I want to be with, Paige.  The only one I’ve been with in a while.”  Oh God, I loved him. “Tell me it’s the same for you.”  Didn’t he know?

“It is. It’s always been just you. I’m so sorry for jumping to conclusions,” I told him.

“I think your reaction was pretty tame, actually.”  He chuckled.  “I’m pretty sure I would have broken a few bones if the roles were reversed.”  That got a smile out of me.  I leaned in and kissed him gently at first, but our pressure increased in an instant.  I needed him to feel just how relieved and happy I was. He was proving to be everything I ever wanted and more, I just had to learn to accept that.  Even if he never loved me, I’d take this.  I’d happily take this.

“Good,” he said as we broke apart. “Now that that’s settled, let’s go redecorate the master bedroom together.”

Turned out the beautiful redhead wasn’t so bad after all.

Enzo

I’d never had the desire to say I love you to anyone.  My mother didn’t count.  I told her I loved her all the time, and even when I didn’t, she knew I did.  The kind of love I was referring to was the one you have for someone you couldn’t live without, you didn’t want to imagine being separated from. The very kind that crept up, grabbed a hold of your heart and didn’t let go no matter what you did to shake it.  I had never experienced that kind of love.  It was not that I had an aversion to it.  I was sure one day in the distant future Cupid might miss his intended target. The arrow would hit me instead, and poof, I’d suddenly be in love.

That was not quite how it happened.  The sudden part was right, but it was more of a sudden realization that I had slowly fallen in love with my wife.

It wasn’t like one day you said, “Hey, I think I might like my wife a little.”  Then the next day, “You know what?  I like my wife a little more.”  And then every day you realized you liked the person more and more until like turned to love.  The truth was that you woke up one day and the person you spent all night thinking about was no longer beside you, and it felt incredibly wrong.  You started to puzzle over what that meant and why.  Was it because you were used to her?  Was it because you were in a weird mood?  Was it because you were cold?  Okay, that was stretching it, but that was what happened.  And then it was like a movie of only the relevant parts of your life playing at high speeds, like a slideshow on crack.

You saw everything right before your eyes. As if you could reach out, touch those moments, and hold them close to your heart.  And that alone should clue you in to what you were feeling, but still, you didn’t give in.  Or the fact that you actually remembered these events should tell you something, but still, you ignored the commentator, told him to shut the hell up because you were watching and you wanted to see what happened in the end.  You saw yourself lust after your wife; you watched her sleep; you pretended to make love to her when you were with someone else (yes, this did happen, believe it or not, and yes, you remembered it). You saw yourself get angry that you were feeling things other than hate for her; you got extremely jealous of a boyfriend you didn’t realize she never had; you looked at her with longing, with pure fucking longing when she didn’t see you. You saw yourself wanting nothing more than to touch her, just touch her, because you knew you’d feel the current all through your spine; you smiled at her smile; you found everything she did amusing or enlightening. You found excuses to be around her, and then it cut off as if someone cut the movie with scissors, and you actually got upset that it was over.  What this did was get you to think about why you were an asshole to her all those times.

The answer was simple really – it was because you were scared.  You hated her for no real reason, blamed her for things she had no control over, so you took it out on her, but when your heart realized what your stupid mind didn’t, it was too late.  You had already ruined things between you two.  It was better to have her hate you than to be rejected, and rightfully so.  And that, of course, set you off even more.  So then when did things change?

You had one last flashback to the night that opened the door to your feelings – the night you finally tasted true, unadulterated ecstasy, and suddenly, every other woman you had ever been with left a bad taste in your mouth.  There was a reason why a playboy like you stopped desiring anyone but your wife.  How long had you loved her?  How long did you play a cat and mouse game with your own heart, closing it off in fear?  Too long.

I had loved Paige for far too long without ever doing anything about it.  I treated her poorly, I pushed her away, I took her for granted, and I didn’t celebrate any milestones with her or share in her joy when things mattered.  I had been a useless excuse for a husband, and now, I wanted to be her everything.  I wanted to give her everything she deserved and more.  I just had to figure out how.

Paige

We were a couple. A real-life couple.  It was odd that we were married, but hey, things didn’t always work out the way we planned.  I was about to start graduate school, and we were about to celebrate our four-year anniversary, although “celebrate” was a loose term.  We hadn’t celebrated anything together … well, I guess we celebrated my graduation together, but we hadn’t given birthdays or anniversaries a second thought since we had been married.  I still hadn’t told him that I loved him. Although there was no use in denying it anymore, I was still afraid he didn’t feel the same way.  Nora and even Chandra, who had called me several times, the latest to tell me she was engaged, told me I had nothing to worry about.  They told me anyone with eyes could see Enzo was crazy about me.  They weren’t with him on a daily basis.  He had dramatically changed, but no one fell in love in a span of a few months, at least not someone like Enzo.  Other than that, things were looking up.  I should have been happy; full of hope that we’d finally maybe do something like a real couple did on their anniversary.  I wasn’t.  Instead, I was late.  I mean really late.  Not for a meeting, or with a bill, but with a bun in the oven kind of late.

I wasn’t opposed to having kids, not now or in the future.  Other than school and work, I could handle it, I thought.  Even if I were a single mother, I would need some help from my parents, maybe hire a nanny if I could afford it, but I was confident in my abilities.  That wasn’t what I was worried about.  It was Enzo.

I wondered how he would take this news.  Would he hate me all over again?  Would he think I was trapping him?  That was kind of silly considering we were already married, but being married and being happily married were two different things.  Our marriage was out of our hands, but our happiness wasn’t.  And here I was, throwing a wrench into things.  I was afraid this ruined everything, but I wasn’t giving up my child.  I didn’t want to give up Enzo either, but I didn’t think I’d have a choice.  Once he learned about this, he’d run fast and far and we’d be back at the beginning. Only this time, I would be gutted, not angry or scared.  I didn’t know if I’d survive being married to someone who didn’t want to be married to me a second time, especially after having had a taste of what it was like to be with the side of Enzo who wanted me.  It was like nothing I had ever experienced, and I would never be the same.

Two days later, I came home from work to find four dozen roses on the table with a card that said, “One for each year.  I’m making up for lost time.”  I cried.  I wouldn’t survive Enzo shutting me out after this.

“No tears tonight,” I heard him say as he walked up behind me.  “I have dinner reservations in an hour so go get ready.  I’ll be waiting.”  I turned and kissed him so he wouldn’t see my despair.  He smelled wonderful and it was hard to pull away.  An hour and a half later, we sat on the balcony of an upscale restaurant fifty stories up.  Enzo had closed off the entire balcony for us.  I didn’t think he could get any more romantic.

“Paige.” He spoke softly as he grabbed both my hands in his.  I turned away from the skyline to look into his eyes.  They were pools of emotion, and I choked up just looking at him.  I had to tell him.  I had to tell him; I just didn’t want to.  “When I’m with you, you make me feel like I can reach the stars.  I wanted to show you that, and this was the best I could do.”  We both looked at the amazing skyline.

“It’s beautiful,” I told him.  It truly was.  I had never seen a sight like the one before me.  The city was all around us.  I could see far into the distance and below.  Not many stars were in the sky, but the twinkling lights of the buildings in the distance made it look like we were staring straight into a galaxy far away.

“You’re beautiful,” he told me and I blushed.  “I’m not good with this romantic kind of stuff.  I’m trying for you, but I’m not really good at sharing my feelings and being a good boyfriend or husband, or any sort of partner.”

“You’re doing just fine,” I cut him off.

“Thanks, but that’s the point.  I want to do all these mushy things with you and for you.  You’ve changed me, Paige, and I’m very happy with who I am now.”

“Me too,” I teased and we both laughed.

“I wanted to wait until after dinner to tell you this, but I can’t wait any longer.  I love you, Paige.  I have loved you for a while, but I didn’t realize it until recently.  I can’t believe how hard I fought myself just to acknowledge that, but I can’t believe how hard I fought what we had even more.  I don’t just want to be your husband in name, Paige.  I want to be your husband because you chose me.”  I gasped as he let go, stood up, and walked to the two steps to stand in front of me before he dropped to one knee.  “I’ve spent the past four years with an amazing woman as my wife, even if I didn’t realize it, but I never got to ask her properly to marry me.  I don’t expect you to love me in return, at least not yet, but I will earn that love.  In the meantime, let me love you enough for both of us because I will no matter what your answer is.  I love you so much.  I want to give you the wedding you deserve, I want to start a family with you, grow old with you, do everything with you.  Please, Paige, renew our vows with me. Stand up before God and our family and tell the world you want to be married to me because I’d love nothing more than to do that with you.”  He pulled out a box and opened it to reveal the most beautiful cushion cut diamond surrounded by tiny diamonds leading to two bands.  “Paige, will you marry me for real this time next year as we renew our vows?”

I felt like my tears never shut off around Enzo, and this moment was no exception.  The waterworks had been going since the minute he had gotten down on one knee.  It took everything in me not to launch myself into his arms that instant and pepper his face with kisses, but I let him finish before I jumped into his lap.  I kissed his lips with such fervor that we almost tumbled back.

“Is that a yes?” he laughed when he caught us.

“Oh God, yes, yes,” I told him between kisses.  “You don’t have to love us for the both of us because I love you, too,” I practically shouted.

“You love me?” he asked with such surprise that it made my heart skip a beat.  Couldn’t he see it plain as day?  And then I remembered my news to share and the panic started to set it.

“I love you so much, Enzo,” I said as he pulled back just enough to slip the ring on my finger.  Now this ring, this stunning declaration of his love and commitment, was never coming off, but I needed to speak to him first.  “I’d love nothing more than to renew our vows, but I have to tell you something that might change everything.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t know how this will affect you, or affect us, but I’m … I’m pregnant.”

“You’re what?”

“I’m so sorry, Enzo.  I’m sorry if this ruins things.  I’m so sorry.”

“You’re pregnant?”  His face was unreadable for just a second before a giant smile broke out across his lips.  “I’m going to be a dad?  My baby?”  He touched my stomach with a feather light touch while staring into my eyes, still on one knee, balancing him and myself.  The pure joy written in his eyes was enough to take away any fears I had.

“You’re not angry?” I asked, my panic gone but needing the confirmation of his words.

“You’ve just given me the two best presents in the world and made me the happiest man alive.  I love you so much, and I’ll love our baby, too.”  I didn’t know if I pulled him in or he pushed himself closer to me, but suddenly, our lips were working at a frenzied pace against one another.  I couldn’t get enough of this man, and I never would.

“Say it again,” I begged between kisses.

He cupped my face in both hands and stared into my eyes.  “I. Love. You.”  He punctuated each word as its own sentence, forcing intensity into the very meaning of those words.  Forget three loving words; those were the best three words.  Ever. “I love you, Paige,” he repeated.  Yep, I officially had three new loving words.  “I’ll love you both and any other children we have for as long as I live and then some.  I promise you I’ll do everything I can to make you happy for the rest of your days.  You won’t regret this.”

I already knew I wouldn’t.