Three Loving Words (8 page)

“Just what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he asked as he led me out of the restaurant as if I was some trespasser.

I turned to him in the parking lot, not caring that anyone could walk by and witness my little meltdown.  The tears were streaming down my cheeks as I yelled at Enzo, “You ruin everything you touch!”

“What in the hell are you talking about?  And I asked you a question.  What the fuck do you think you were doing with that guy?”

“That guy was my future!”

“You think that cradle robbing asshole is your future?”

“You don’t know anything about me or what I want in life.  You don’t know my aspirations or what career path I want to take or even what I secretly dream about in life. So yeah, Enzo, that guy was my shot at a real future and you killed it.”

“You are my wife, and you’ll act like it!” Enzo screamed.

“Fake wife,” I mocked.

“Fake, porcelain, marble … I don’t give a damn.  You.  Are.  Mine.”

“Never, Enzo … never,” I stated flatly before I turned and ran away. I got in my car before he could reach me, tears streaming down my face the entire way home.

“You don’t get to walk away from me,” Enzo stated the minute he walked through the door just moments after I did.

"Why does what I do matter to you?  You ignore me most of the time.  And when you’re not pretending like I don’t exist, you’re mad at me for something.”

“I already told you.  It matters because you’re my wife.”

“And I told you that I was only your wife on paper.  Real couples don’t scream at each other, don’t try to ruin each other’s lives, don’t hate each other.  They want to help their partners reach their dreams.”

“And just what exactly are your dreams, little girl?” he asked haughtily.

“I want to make something of myself! I don’t want to sit around the house depending on someone else.”

“What does that have anything to do with that asshole you’re dating?” he asked, disdain dripping from his voice.

“I’m not dating him!” I screamed.  “I was interviewing for a scholarship!”

“A scholarship?” he questioned, his voice echoing his confusion.

“For college,” I admitted, my voice growing softer.

“College?” he parroted, his eyebrows drawing closer together.

“I was accepted,” I told him.  “And I figured you wouldn’t fight me on this since having a ‘smart wife’ would make you look good,” I used air quotes when I said ‘smart wife.’  “But I’m not going because I can’t afford it.”

“Look around, little girl,” he said as he waved his hand around the room.  “You can afford it.”

“I’m not taking your money,” I hissed

“Why the hell not?” he asked, his tone part angry, part confused.

“Because I’m not going to rely on anyone else!  I’m not going to be dependent on you.  I’m going to do this on my own!” I was yelling.

“I don’t know who you think you are, but you can’t raise your voice to me,” he said so low his voice sounded deadly.

I ignored him and continued, “I lied on the scholarship application, okay?” I said it as a question, but it was a statement.  “I lied and said I wasn’t married so I could qualify.  And that guy, the ‘asshole I’m dating,’ was the interviewer.  I was this close to my future.  I was this close to getting my dreams.  And you showed up and took them away.  You take everything away from me.  You ruin everything, Enzo,” I said as I pushed past him and ran up the stairs to my room and slammed my door.

I started sobbing and talking to myself, but I needed to talk to someone who would comfort me.  I dialed Nora.

“Don’t give up, P,” she urged.

“I wanted love, Nora, and I’ll never get that. I’ve resigned myself to that.  But I thought I could at least make something of myself.  Go to college, build a career, do something that is mine and mine alone.  It’s not fair!  So I lied that I wasn’t married on the scholarship application.  It’s not about marriage status; it’s about need.  I really do need that money.  I’m not taking any from Enzo or his family.”

“There are other scholarships,” Nora tried.

“Not like this one,” I cried.  “The other ones won’t cover even half my tuition.”  I paused to catch my breath.  “And even if I figure out how to pay for school, what if I’m wrong about Enzo being okay with me going to school?  What if I’m hoping that having an educated wife is something he cares about?”

“What could he do?  Chain you up?  Worst case, he’ll yell at you and make you miserable. Newsflash, P, he’s already doing that.  So suck it up and go to school.  He can’t stop you.”

“He already did,” I replied, defeat apparent in my voice.

“We’ll figure things out.  You didn’t think you’d get this far and you already did.”

“I’m going to have to tell them I can’t go to school after all.”

“No!” Nora screamed.  “Wait a little at least.   I’ll look for ideas, too. You’re going to school if it’s the last thing you do.”

“Maybe a community college.”

“There is nothing wrong with community college, but you deserve to go to a four-year college right off the bat.  I’m telling you, we’ll figure things out.”

“How?” I cried again.  “How can I afford schooling without financial assistance?  And if you suggest Enzo or his family, I’ll hang up on you.  I’m not taking their money.”

“I already know, P.  I wasn’t going to suggest it, but just don’t say anything to anyone yet.”

“My deadline is next week.  We need to come up with something by then.”

“We will.  Just don’t give up hope.”

“I gave up hope a long time ago, Nora.”

“We’ll bring it back. We’ll bring it back,” she repeated.

We hung up and I binge watched sappy movies all evening, trying to find some hope.  They seemed to lift my spirits a little. I applied for every single scholarship I could find, even minor ones.  I would take whatever I could get.  I didn’t know how Nora did it, but two days before my acceptance of admission was due, I received a letter that proved hope was real after all.  I had received a scholarship that I wasn’t sure I even applied to, but my tuition had been paid in full and remaining funds would cover school necessities.

Nora swore she had no clue how it happened and that it was all me, but I knew she had pulled some magic.  She had more than proved she could be a fantastic sister.  I was just sorry it took us so long to get to that point. And the best part of it all?  When I finally started going to school a few weeks later, Enzo didn’t say a word.

The day I found out I’d get to go to college had been the absolute best one yet.

*****

College wasn’t like high school. In some aspects, it was easier, while in others, it was considerably harder.  You didn’t have the strict regimen that you had in high school.  If you didn’t go to class, that was on you.  No one was going to baby you or call your parents to complain.  You were an adult now, and it was all up to you.  Not sure if that was quite the easier or harder part.  Some of the classes felt like a joke, but I guess that did mirror high school a bit.  Most of the classes, though, were at a level you never anticipated.

It was halfway through my first semester when I learned this the hard way.  You’d think I’d have plenty of time to study and ensure I could keep up with my coursework considering I had given up having a life other than work when I married Enzo.  I didn’t know where the time went, but between said work, attending classes at awkward times to continue to work as many possible hours, and avoiding Enzo at all costs, I didn’t have much time to truly study the way I had done before.  My first midterm grade was a C.  Yes, sure, that was passing, and yes, sure, that was not bad for many students, but that was horrible for me.

That was how I found myself studying with Luke.  There were no assigned seats in college, but students tended to pick a seat they liked and sat there for the entire semester.  I ended up sitting one seat over from Luke.  I took him to be a “surfer dude” the first time I saw him.  From his sandy blond hair, broad shoulders, and killer abs—I might have snuck a peek at when he lifted his arms and his shirt rode up—to his carefree attitude when the instructor went over the course syllabus, he screamed beach bum.  Turned out, I was completely wrong.  He was a science geek who loved sci-fi movies and had been to the beach only twice in his life. He came from a small town in Tennessee where he and his girlfriend had decided to go to school together.

The best part about him?  He wasn’t one of those cliché guys who followed a girl to school only to either party it up and dump her or get dumped.  He and his girlfriend, Chandra, had been friends since they were in diapers.  They didn’t start dating until the summer before school, having originally planned to go to school as best friends.  They had their fair share of other “romances” in high school, and after three semesters here, they were still going strong and didn’t have eyes for anyone but each other.  To say I was jealous of what they had was an understatement.  It wasn’t the exact love story I pictured for myself, but it was fan-freaking-tastic, and I wanted it for myself.  I didn’t get it and never would.  It didn’t stop me from becoming friends with Luke and Chandra; it just probably made me look like a weirdo when I’d get a dreamy expression on my face watching them be all adorable with each other.

Luke and I became friendly the second day of class when I heard him snickering at his phone.  “Sorry.” He smiled unapologetically.  “My girlfriend is a character,” he added as he leaned over and showed me some silly picture she had texted him. He did this the next few classes as well.  We ended up chatting here and there while waiting for class to start or as we walked out together.

“Hey, I’m meeting my girlfriend right now; you want to join us for a bite to eat?”

I didn’t want to intrude and told him so, but Luke was persistent.  I was pretty sure he had seen how lonely I looked and was just trying to be nice.  We only hung out a handful of times before the big C midterm fiasco.  It was after that both Luke and Chandra became true friends.

“Hey, no sweat,” Luke told me after I nearly cried in class after looking at my C grade.  “I’ll help you out.”  Did I mention Luke was a genius, too?

“Are you sure?” I sniveled.

“Yeah. Besides, it will help me prepare for the class, too.”

I thanked him and then we went to meet up with Chandra.  That’s when I found out Luke had a weird thing about studying in libraries or coffee shops or any other typical place to study.  He wanted to study at home so it didn’t “feel like studying.”

“Where do you live?” he asked.  “Chandra and I have a small studio, so not sure how convenient it’s going to be for us to get together there.”

It was then that I had to fill them in on my situation.  I didn’t give them all the details, just that I had married Enzo in a marriage of convenience for our families; it was loveless and we were hardly ever civil with each other, but I was stuck.

They were a little more than shocked, but after Chandra had picked her jaw up off the floor, she came around and hugged me tightly.  Luke joined in shortly after.  That was how they ended up being my best friends.

*****

I had warned Luke that my “home” was lavish, probably more than anything he was used to, but when he walked in for our first study session, he whistled like they do on TV.  He actually whistled.  “Holy shit, you weren’t kidding.”

“Nope.” I hung my head in shame.

“Hey, don’t do that. If I were you, I’d be using and abusing.”

“Somehow, I doubt that.”  Luke was an honest guy; a nice guy who worked hard for everything he got.  He was so far from Enzo; I figured that if they were magnets, they would repel each other.  If Luke had been single and not one of my only friends, I would have been crushing on him big time, but the way he treated me was brotherly, and I needed that more than I needed anything else.

Luke was a miracle worker and within a few hours, I was actually starting to understand the material we covered.

“You have to be a teacher, Luke,” I announced.

“So I’ve been told.  But I dream of other avenues.”

“Like what?”

He looked around the room as if he was making sure no one was around to listen.  “Promise you won’t tell anyone?”

“Promise,” I nodded.

“I heard there is some team at Disney that is solely devoted to imagining and creating and all that awesomeness.”

“Is that right?”

“I’m going to be working there one day, you’ll see.”

“Will you get me free tickets to the amusement park?”

“Most definitely.”

“All right, then, I approve.”

We laughed and then called it a day.  It was while I was walking Luke out that my dumb luck struck again.

“Thank you so much, Luke.” I hugged him at the door.  And as we embraced, the door swung open and in came Enzo.  My eyes met his over Luke’s shoulder and I watched them go from bland to confused to angry in a matter of seconds.

I had given Luke and Chandra the PG version of my life, okay, maybe the PG-13 version, but I hadn’t prepared Luke for the full frontal assault known as Enzo.  I became instantly embarrassed and worried.   I was afraid Enzo would scare Luke away and I was frightened of Enzo’s reaction as well.  I pulled away from Luke.