Three Rivers (31 page)

He didn't deserve Althea. He'd hoped that maybe he could, but every time he tried for more with her, she pushed him away or simply shot him down.

That damn note from Vicky certainly didn't help matters. Althea was already skittish and then she gets written evidence of what a man-whore I've been.

She was right to keep their time together limited. He just needed to forget that his heart felt like it had gone through a wood chipper.

Griffen threw down his briefcase as he slammed shut the door to his suite after returning from class. Tugging off his jacket, he threw it on his overnight bag, still packed from their trip to New York.

Fuck
. He looked away, ripping off his V-neck T-shirt, trying to force away the thoughts of so many hot private moments with Althea running through his brain. Then he remembered how opposed she was to extending their arrangement to even another goddamned visit.

She was so ready to let these last few days fade away while he was slowly losing his mind. Griffen felt like he wanted to hit something, anything, a lot. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her — was going crazy about her — but she was content to let him go.

He turned on the TV, but couldn't sit still. Flipping it off, he stood and walked across the room, opening his laptop and glancing at emails. His jittery fingers closed the lid and he crossed the room to stand by the floor to ceiling windows.

Griffen felt hot all over and placed his hands against the cool glass, but that was no help. He could almost picture the steamy imprint of her perfect body against the glass from the first time he touched her and pressed into her so her bare ass and back were pressed fully against that glass.

Every inch of her body and each word from her lips drove him insane even then. Before he knew who she was and the grief that prevented her from letting him truly near her. Before he knew she would rather push him away then take a risk on him — and damned if he could blame her.

What could he truly offer a great woman like that? His father had been right — he
was
a piece of shit. He'd spent his whole life avoiding any attachments, sleeping with lots of women, running from every responsibility, and the worst sin — deserting Jack when he needed him most. His best friend, who — if Griffen was honest with himself — had apparently been desperate enough to betray his own country.

Griffen didn't deserve Althea. No matter how much he tried to fool himself that he could.

He slammed his hand so firmly against the glass that it reverberated around the impact.

He breathed deeply and rested his hot forehead against the window, looking down at the streams of people below, unaware of the desperate man above.

Is she getting dressed now for her date? Is she going to wear something red? She looks fucking hot in red. What is she going to eat? Will she like him? Will she end things with me early? I want more time but, fuck, if I lose the precious few she'll actually give me, I'll go nuts.

Every inch of this room was coated with memories of her — pulsated with them. He needed to get out of the room, the hotel. To go anywhere but here. He put on running clothes and grabbed his ear-buds, wallet, and iPhone as he stalked out of his room.

He walked briskly through the lobby, waved to the doorman, and then he ran for miles and miles. Threatening gray clouds pressed down from above, while below, each of his steps pounded the frustration through his body and down into the sidewalk and back into him, as though they were trying to beat each other into submission.

The streets, buildings, and people passed by him in a blur, all he could think of was the next pounding step, because beyond that there was nothing but loneliness, a return to his life before Althea.

It wasn't until his last step took him to the gates of the historic Allegheny Cemetery in Lawrenceville that he realized he'd run straight to Jack.

He grabbed the wrought iron gates for a moment, as the impact of where he was passed through his heaving lungs like oxygen. It had started drizzling and when he licked his lips they were tinged with a hint of the metallic rust from the gates he clutched.

Stepping back he looked in front of him to the acres of perfect trees arching over the rows of the dead. Some were famous, some were rich, some were poor, some had been here for centuries, some had been young, some had been old — but what they had in common was that they all were dead. And Jack was with them.

Griffen finally let his feet move forward, so slowly it felt like he was pushing through wet cement as he moved closer to his greatest shame. He bought white daisies from the guy at the gate, more to have something to hold onto instead of simply clenching his hands into fists.

His fear and regret had kept him from Jack's funeral. Instead, he'd stayed holed up in his New York apartment, sitting on the floor in the dark, drinking himself into oblivion and counting all the things he hadn't done.

Because often when you do nothing it's worse than doing the wrong thing.

And Griffen had done
nothing
for Jack.

Griffen followed the route to Jack's grave, having studied the map of the cemetery, and Jack's location in it, more times than he could count. It was a testament to the deep connections Jack's family had in this town that he was given a place of rest here.

His grave was marked by a simple, masculine tombstone in a patch of ground that looked like it would be bathed in sunlight on nice days:

Jack Taylor - Beloved husband, son and friend
.

There was a framed picture of Johnny as a baby, apparently added later. It was engraved to say, "
To my Father with Love
." The sight twisted Griffen's heart in a fist.

"Hi Jack. It's me, Nicky." Griffen's childhood name came out of his mouth on a twisted cry and he sat down in front of the tombstone to keep from falling down. The sweat from his run and the gentle rain were chilling on his skin, accompanied by warm fresh tears that fell silently from his eyes. His shoulders shook from the force of the emotion but he stayed silent as his body expelled the years of loss and pain.

"I'm so sorry, Jack. So sorry. I don't know why I didn't respond to you. I planned to, but I was too late. I let you down."

Griffen was finally able to catch his breath and stared straight ahead, his heart beating through the emptiness inside him.

"I've been hanging out with your son, Johnny. He looks so much like you. And he's awesome — so funny and smart. But someone really should work with him on his ‘R’s.’ Plus he drops back to pass too slowly, just like you," Griffen added with a light laugh.

"I'm working on his passing with him. I've been coaching him. I forgot how much I actually liked about the game. I tell him about you. What we did together. I read him one of our stories the other day. He loved it. He always wants to hear all about you.

"I hope that you can see him from where you are. I don't believe in much, but I want to believe that's true. And I hope you forgive me for letting you down. For putting myself first. I've missed you so much, man.
So much
.

"I found your flash drive. I'm trying to figure out what happened to you. I know I let you down when you needed me, but I want to do everything I can to make it right. It's just…everything looks like you were into something really messed up, man. Like you did something bad." Griffen picked up a piece of wet grass and balled it between his fingers.

He looked straight ahead and finally said, "While I'm here, I should probably tell you that I think I'm in love with your wife. I know, its all kinds of screwed up and you probably want to beat the shit out of me. I guess you know how great she is, man. She makes me so happy. I don't feel angry or sad when I'm with her. And I think I make her feel better — because she's sad, man."

"She still loves you and won't move on. But I just want her to be happy. I'm not good enough for Althea but I want to try to be."

Standing up he rubbed his face hard with the palm of his hand and he knew he had to see her.

"Goodbye Jack." Griffen slowly turned away and pulled his phone from his pocket.

"Hi Jenna."

"Griffen?"

"I'm sorry to bother you, but do you know where Althea is? I need to talk to her."

"She's still out with Curt. Hold on...
Johnny, let me go get something from the kitchen. Watch SpongeBob, I'll be right back.
Griffen, what's going on? When Tea called me to babysit for a date with Curt I was pretty surprised."

"I thought I was doing the right thing."

"What did you do?"

She sounded stern and he felt like an errant child.

"I've asked her for more. First I said I didn't have to leave right away, but she shot that down."

"Not surprising from her," Jenna said gruffly.

"Then I offered to visit her after I leave. I don't know, I guess I wanted to test the waters...but she's pretty stuck on just two weeks with me, so I thought maybe this guy could make her happy. I just want her to be happy."

"So you told her to go on a date with Curt?"

"Yeah."

"And you're turning yourself inside out thinking about her with someone else?"

"That about covers it, yeah."

She sighed and said, "Look, Curt's fine. I pushed her on him myself. He's kind of annoying but he's solid and steady — two things I look for in a guy myself, but he won't make her happy. You do."

"She doesn't want me."
Shit
, he sounded pathetic even to his own ears.

"She wants you all right. I've never seen her like this, not since she met Jack. That's why she's pushing you away. Letting someone into her heart again terrifies her. She wants you to leave
because
she's so crazy about you." Jenna paused and took a deep breath. "Look, they're still at dinner. She texted to ask about Johnny and told me she should be home in about an hour. If you get there in a half hour you should be able to catch her before anything, you know."

The image made Griffen see red and he growled, "He'd better fucking keep his hands off her."

"Ease off, Griffen. You want to find them, not kill the guy."

"I don't know, that option is sounding pretty attractive right now."

"I'm sure it does, but try to stay out of jail, okay? I'll text you the restaurant info."

"Hey, Jenna?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Of course. I just want her to be happy, too."

He started jogging back to the main road, calling a cab on the way. The taxi gods were with him because one pulled up to him five minutes later. Griffen recognized the fancy steakhouse Curt had taken her to, as it was close to his hotel downtown.

Was she thinking of me when he brought her here? Only steps from where we've made love so many times.

He tipped the valets outside the restaurant heavily to let him wait outside the restaurant without hassling him.

She should be out any minute now
.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Althea stared across the table at Curt and took a deep breath.

He was an okay guy. Steady, dependable, successful, and interested enough in her to pursue her for over a year now. He seemed to like Johnny and could be a potential father to him. She knew she'd never love him, never risk opening her heart to him, meaning he fit what she was looking for perfectly.