Three Rivers (34 page)

Althea was sleeping deeply but Griffen felt totally wired. He stared up at her antique tin ceiling, trying to calm himself as every raw emotion of the day and night coursed through him with electric pulsing energy. He counted each square border, his mind repeatedly returning to the recognition that he needed Althea in his life.

He wanted to be the one to comfort her and hold her, but every time he made a move she shot him down, whether it was keeping them secret or refusing to let them go beyond this arbitrary two-week mark. He'd simply accepted it so far, but now, after having seen her haunted eyes after her dream, he felt even more desperate for something more.

There was no chance of getting back to sleep, so he simply rolled over and watched the gentle rise and fall of Althea's chest for hours, holding her against him in the nook of his arm. Her soft hair fell along her face grazing him enough to feel her presence with every gentle breath. He looked down at her face, marveling at how the colors of the night brightened into morning across her golden skin and honey hair.

Griffen felt like he'd been careening down a mountain since he'd met her. She had complete control and he felt no desire to take it back. This time with her was the best he could remember in his life, he would be a fool to let that go, especially when she so clearly needed someone — could he hope that someone could be
him
?

What an asshole he'd been all these years. Fixating on his own grief and guilt, knocking around the world, spending money and having meaningless affairs to hide his pain while this beautiful woman struggled to make a life by herself — with a kid. A great kid that Griffen wanted to be around as much as with her.

He couldn't take her to New York, but nothing was preventing him from staying in Pittsburgh. It's not like there was anything waiting for him there except for an empty apartment, he didn't even have a dog or cat. What was he going back to? Not his writing. His inspiration was here. All he had in New York was loneliness and empty sex — and he couldn't even think of touching another woman right now.

How had I thought I could swoop in and make this woman happy then disappear? How could I have thought I wouldn't completely fall for her?

Sick cold dread passed through him at the thought of leaving and all he kept reminding himself was that he didn't have to, that he could offer up whatever he could give to this perfect woman.

She could throw his offer back in his face and tell him again how she wasn't ready, but maybe he could make her see that there was no shame in letting them be something real. Maybe she would take another chance on him and let this be the start of something amazing.

Griffen picked up his phone and started to write an email to Professor Stevens.

Althea opened her eyes to see Griffen staring at her. She smiled up at him, enjoying the feeling of waking up in his arms. Even though she'd woken this way every morning since they made their arrangement, it still left her reeling with pleasure at the sensation.

"Good morning," he said tightly.

"Good morning, stud," she said and curled into him closer, only to still when she saw how tortured his face looked. "Hey, you okay?" She suddenly felt awkward, remembering her nightmare. She hoped it wasn't still lurking like a shadow over their last uncertain days together, but the way he was looking at her so intently made that appear unlikely. She sighed and looked more deeply into his eyes as she stroked his cheek. "Spill it, Griffen. What's going on?"

"I want to stay."

"Today? I have a client meeting this afternoon, I could maybe get coffee, but that's it. I'm sorry."

"That's not what I mean. I contacted Professor Stevens. He still needs someone to fill in, maybe for the whole rest of the semester. I can keep teaching and spending time with you and Johnny."

"I don't understand."

"I want to stay here in Pittsburgh...and be with you."

"What? Griffen, what brought this on? We talked about not making this more than it is."

He gripped her tightly. "No,
you
talked about that. I just didn't tell you how wrong I think you are."

Her heart sped up and she suddenly felt her lungs clench, like a caged animal she started looking for an escape from the bed. Griffen turned her head to make her face him. She tilted up her chin with more confidence than she felt. "Is this because of last night and my dream? If that's what's going on you can stop it. I don't want you feeling sorry for me."

"No, I could never feel sorry for you. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't kick my ass to see you in pain."

She clutched at the sheet, feeling so exposed all of a sudden. "You don't need to come here and swoop in to rescue the poor lonely widow."

"Come on, stop that bullshit right now." Her eyes widened at his hard words, but he kissed her forehead to soften the blow. "You give me too much credit, gorgeous. I actually happen to like you, a lot. Whether it's in bed, out of bed, dreaming or awake. And during each of those times I could never pity you."

"So it's not about last night?" she asked skeptically.

"All right. Yes, you worried me and I wanted to help you but I would never stay just for that. I'm way too self-absorbed for that," he said with a wicked half smile.

"So you're absorbed in me then, huh?"

"Well, right now I'm not absorbed in you the way I'd like to be," he said stroking her thigh.

"There you go, not being serious again."

"Oh, I'm serious as a heart attack, gorgeous. In fact, I feel like I'm turning inside out right now waiting for your answer."

"What are you suggesting, really?"

"I want to stay here in Pittsburgh with you. I want you give us a shot."

"You know I can't let you do that."

"I know you think you aren't ready. But I think you're capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for. I want to be here for you...to be
with
you." He swallowed and stared at a spot over her head as he breathed slowly. A moment later he was calmly looking back in her eyes, searching for something from her. "Honestly, I've been thinking about us trying to be something real for a while, even before last night when I came over to the restaurant..."

"And acted like a crazy person?" she teased and was relieved to hear him chuckle.

"Yeah, like a crazy person." He smiled and started to cup one breast, rubbing a rough thumb over her nipple. She let out an embarrassing moan as a now familiar wave of desire swept through her and her nipple puckered in response.

"No fair," she said though she couldn't help but push into his touch. He always seemed able to make her act like a cat in heat and it really interfered with her decision-making skills.

"Seems fair to me," he said nipping her earlobe with his teeth and whispering, "I'm totally lucid right now and I think this is a great idea."

Althea started to feel that tightness in her chest again.

He wants a real future together?

The thought of how deeply her feelings could grow for him terrified her.

"I'm already too attached to you as it is. Johnny, too. It wasn't supposed to be like that. I should've held back more."

"What's wrong with being attached to me?"

"Nothing's changed for me."

"Only because you won't let it. Look. I know I'm not good enough for you right now but I'm asking for a chance to try to be."

"Don't keep saying crap like that, Griffen. I think you're great. It's just...it's just been me and Johnny and this grief for so long...I don't know any other way. Caring about someone again? It still feels so wrong."

"What if we compromise? What if you give me a couple more months? Till the end of the semester? I can write anywhere."

"I thought you said you hated it here."

"I know, but I've spent so long hating this place and all...all the bad memories it represents for me, but seeing it with you again — being a part of something with you and Johnny here — it has already made so many new great memories for me. It makes me think I can move on, too."

"I'm just not sure. I mean the whole point of this was that it wouldn't push me too much."

"I don't want to push you, but I refuse to let you just push me away."

"Griffen," she whispered, "wasn't it supposed to be just, um, physical?"

"I think we both know we've shared more than just that by now." He stroked her shoulder and it felt so good to her, but the panic wouldn't subside.

"You're asking me to take a lot of leaps and risks that I just don't think I'm ready for. I mean what about all your other women? Like that Vicky person? You said no strings when this all started, and you clearly have entertainment waiting for you when you get back. I mean, you probably have a few other 'plant waterers' scattered here and there."

"Of course I wouldn't mess with other women if we were together. Yes, that was how I lived my life
before
. Before I met you I never wanted anything real with anyone. You changed that and you know it. I think you're just looking for excuses to say no."

"No, I'm making sense and your lifestyle just makes me that much more uncomfortable with what you're asking of me."

"All I'm asking for is a chance. I've lived this way because I never had any reason not to. You are all that I want. Trust me. Please."

She looked away. "Honestly? I'm scared Griffen," she said so quietly, she didn't know how he could hear her. "I know I've pushed people away, but I don't know any other way anymore."

"Look," he said, turning her face back to his, "If you knew back when you were nineteen and met Jack that it would end the way it did, that he would die, that you would be heartbroken, would you change anything? Would you transfer out of the nineteenth century lit class you had with him?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I wouldn't give up those memories, the joy, the growth, the love. It's all part of what defines me."

"So why won't you take a chance on us? On me? That maybe I can give you some more good memories, keep on giving you joy."

"I just don't know."

"If not for me, what about Johnny? I'm crazy about him. I want to be in his life — to share in that piece of Jack. I lost Jack, too."

"You may have lost a friend, but I lost
everything!
"

They'd been whispering to keep from waking Johnny, but she could feel herself getting out of control. She breathed in and out slowly.

Griffen reached across and pulled her to him. He tilted her chin up and looked straight in her eyes. "You didn't die that night, Althea."

"Didn't I? A piece of me did. The piece that didn't live every day with guilt. The piece that could take chances. The piece that wasn't terrified of fucking everything up all over again." She looked away but she could tell he wouldn't let her break their physical connection. He stroked her hair and rested her cheek on his chest. "You can't understand, Griffen," she whispered softly against his broad chest, his warmth and strength bringing her comfort even then.

"Yes, I can."

"How can you know about my guilt, my loss? How can you even try to understand? You've never lost everything, have you?"

He gripped her body so tightly she was sure he would leave her with bruises. "I know, dammit," he grunted out. She gasped at his passion and he breathed slowly, clearly trying to regain his own control. He rested his forehead against hers and they both stayed that way for so long she was worried Johnny would wake up soon.

"How?" she looked up at him, honestly curious. "How do you know?"

He softly said, "Althea, I know about guilt, just trust me, I do. And I know how your heart broke. That's because I feel that way, too. I lost a lot when Jack died, too. I know how you felt even more now because if something happened to you, I'd be lost."

"Really?" she whispered.

He looked down at her again and she felt the emotion as he choked out, "Totally lost, Althea. Christ, I can't even think about going up to New York in a couple of days without my whole heart turning over. I'm not ready for this to end between us. I'm not sure if I ever will be."

That reality tore through Althea, making her chest actually hurt. "I don't know, Griffen."

"Give me another baby step. Please," he said and held her tight.

"That's a lot of baby steps, Griffen. More than I think I can handle. I'm so sorry."

"Are you saying no?"

She looked up and stroked his cheek. "Not no, just I need some time. Let me think about it, okay?"

"Okay," he gritted his teeth and she reached up and replaced her hand with her lips on his cheek.

"I'll see you at Johnny's game later and then I promise I'll have an answer tonight."

Griffen clutched her even more tightly, until every part of her was touching some part of him. He kissed her eyelids, then peppered tiny kisses down her cheeks, licking across the seam of her lips. When she gasped he claimed her mouth with his, nibbling on her lower lip and then tangling his tongue with hers.

"Althea, please say yes. Please."

"You're persuasive, but just give me the hours, okay?"

"Okay, I promise to be patient today, but I don't have to like it."