Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (13 page)

1½ tablespoons sesame seeds

1
Mix up everything for the marinade in a glass. Slice the eggplant crosswise into ¼-inch rounds. Place the eggplant in a large pan of some kind and pour the marinade over that shit. Let the eggplant marinate for at least 15 minutes or up to 1 hour if you’ve got the fucking time.

2
While the eggplant marinates, cook the soba noodles according to the package directions. Drain the noodles and rinse them with cool water so that they aren’t still cooking. Place them in a large bowl and add the toasted sesame oil and rice vinegar. Stir it all up.

3
Bring your grill or grill pan to a medium heat (around 300° to 350°F). Oil the grill grates. When the eggplant is done marinating, grill the eggplant slices (but don’t throw away that marinade) on each side 2 to 3 minutes or until you see some grill marks. If the eggplant begins to look a little dry, take the slices and dip them in or brush them with the remaining marinade and continuing cooking them until done. Eggplant hydration. Boom.

4
When all of the eggplant is done cooking and has cooled slightly, cut it up into ½-inch squares. Mix together ½ cup of the leftover marinade and the 3 tablespoons of water. Pour that mess all over the noodles and mix. Toss in the eggplant and basil and mix again. Top with sesame seeds and serve at room temperature or cold.

*
You can use whole wheat pasta or whatever here, but soba noodles—made of buckwheat flour—taste way fucking better
.

SWEET CORN
AND GREEN CHILE
BAKED FLAUTAS

If you know what flautas are, then we don’t need to sell you on them. if you don’t know what flautas are, then grab your lunch box because we’re taking your ass to school. Serve them with salsa and guacamole if you’re feeling fancy.

MAKES ABOUT 12 FLAUTAS USING STANDARD FLOUR TORTILLAS

Cooking spray

1 teaspoon olive oil

1 cup chopped yellow or white onion (about ½ onion)

2 teaspoons chili powder

¾ teaspoon ground cumin

½ teaspoon salt

4 to 5 cloves garlic, chopped

3 cups cooked pinto beans

1 can (4 ounces) mild green chiles*

Juice of ½ lime

1 cup sweet corn kernels**

12 flour tortillas

1
Crank your oven to 400°F. Grab a large baking sheet and coat it with a little cooking spray.

2
Heat up the oil in a large sauté pan over medium heat and throw in the onion. Cook until the onion starts to brown, about 5 minutes. Add the chili powder, cumin, salt, and garlic and cook for another 30 seconds and then turn off the heat.

3
Throw the beans, chiles, and lime juice together in a big-ass bowl. Mash them up using a potato masher or a spoon until a paste forms. It’s cool if there are some whole beans left here and there; you don’t need to spend the whole goddamn day mashing. Fold in the sautéed onions and corn and stir that motherfucker up. Your filling is ready.

4
Using a griddle, your oven, or the microwave, warm up the tortillas. Grab about 2 heaping tablespoons of the filling and spread that shit in a nice line toward the edge of the left side of one of the tortillas from top to bottom. Then roll that shit up nice and tight from left to right. You could even put a small smear of beans toward the other end of the tortilla to help that fucker stay shut. Place the flauta seam side down on the baking sheet about an inch or two away from its flauta brethren. Make sure the filling got all the way to the ends and then adjust how you distribute the filling the next time. Damn. Keep going until you run out of tortillas or filling.

5
Lightly coat them all with cooking spray and bake for 10 minutes. When you pull them out, the bottoms should be golden—if not, stick them in for another couple minutes. When the bottoms look good, turn them over and bake those bitches until they’re golden and crispy on both sides, another 5 to 7 minutes. Serve warm topped with lettuce and salsa if you want to impress some motherfuckers.

*
These should be in a tiny can near the salsa in your grocery store. If you can’t find them, you can roast 2 poblano peppers following the method for bell peppers on
this page
.

**
This is about 1 cob’s worth. That’s a fucking ridiculous phrase but whatever. You can use frozen if that’s all you can find
.

SMOKY
BLACK-EYED
PEAS
WITH ROASTED
SWEET POTATOES
AND COLLARDS

Nobody is going to be picky when you serve up this tasty-ass plate. A little sweet, a little smoky, but all around goddamn delicious.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 6

1½ cups dried black-eyed peas

6 medium to large sweet potatoes

2 teaspoons olive oil

1 onion, chopped into pea-size pieces

3 ribs celery, chopped into pea-size pieces

¼ teaspoon salt

½ teaspoon ground allspice*

½ teaspoon ground nutmeg

½ teaspoon paprika

2 to 3 cloves garlic, minced

3 to 4 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce, chopped into pea-size pieces**

3 cups vegetable broth

2 or 3 batches
Wilted Greens

1
Rinse the black-eyed peas and throw out any grit or fucked-up looking peas. Put the peas in a large bowl and cover them with a couple inches of water. Let them soak overnight or for at least 6 hours. After soaking, drain the peas and start fucking cooking.

2
Before you start to cook the peas, crank your oven to 400°F. Grab your sweet potatoes and stab the fuck out of them with a fork in a couple spots. This helps the steam release while they roast and helps you get some of that stabbiness out your system. Put them on a baking sheet and sit them in the oven until you can stick a knife through them without resistance, about 45 minutes.

3
Now back to the black-eyed peas. In a large pot, heat the olive oil over medium heat. Add the onion and sauté that shit until it starts to brown in some places, about 5 minutes. Add the celery and cook until it starts to get a little soft, about 2 minutes. Add the salt and spices and sauté for 30 seconds. Add the garlic and chipotles to the pot and cook for another 30 seconds.

4
Toss the drained black-eyed peas into the pot along with the broth and bring that shit to a simmer. Let it simmer uncovered until the peas are tender. This can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 1 hour depending on how long you soaked your peas and how old they are. If you start running out of liquid before those are ready, add a little more broth or water. If the peas are tender and you’ve still got too much broth in there, just drain some of that shit off. Not a big fucking deal. Just check the seasoning when you are all done and add more herbs or spices if you think it needs it.

5
Make your wilted collard greens right before the sweet potatoes are done roasting.

6
When the sweet potatoes are done, split them open lengthwise and fluff them with a fork. Feel free to add a little unrefined coconut oil and a pinch of salt to spice those sweet fuckers up. Pour at least 1 cup of peas over the potatoes and 2 cups of the greens. Serve right away.

*
This is not a blend of spices—it’s a berry with a confusing ass name. It is in a lot of Caribbean food and should be right next to all the spices and shit in your store
.

**
These smoked peppers in sauce are sold in a tiny can and are usually near the salsa and beans. When you chop the chipotles, cut them open and scrape out the seeds. If you prefer it hot, then keep some of the seeds in, but think of your butt hole tomorrow as you make that call
.

APPLE BAKED BEANS

These beans are dope alongside the
White Bean and Red Lentil Burgers
or
in a bowl
with the
Roasted Broccoli and Millet Pilaf
and
Wilted Greens
.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 6 AS A SIDE

1½ cups dried white beans

5 cups water

2 teaspoons olive oil

½ yellow onion, chopped

1 clove garlic, minced

1 teaspoon smoked paprika

1 can (15 ounces) low- or no-salt tomato sauce

1 tablespoon molasses

1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar

2 tablespoons brown sugar

2 teaspoons soy sauce or tamari

1 sprig fresh rosemary*

2½ cups vegetable broth

1 medium apple, whatever kind you like to eat, chopped into bite-size cubes

1
Sift through the beans and pick out any that look all fucked up. Pour them into a big-ass bowl with the water and let them soak overnight.

2
When your beans are all softened, it’s time to make some goddamn dinner. Drain the beans. Grab a large pot and heat the oil over medium heat. Throw in the onion and sauté until it begins to brown, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and smoked paprika and cook for another 30 seconds. Add the drained beans, tomato sauce, molasses, vinegar, brown sugar, soy sauce, and rosemary. Stir it all up and bring it to a simmer, then add the broth. This might look like you are trying to cast a spell or some shit like that, but just go with it.