Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (20 page)

STOVETOP
HERB POPCORN

When the hell did we all fall under the spell of microwave popcorn? SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT. Make your own, because it’s cheaper and better for you. Win-win. Afraid you’ll burn it? You already burn this shit in the microwave, so you really have nothing to lose.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 8 CUPS

HERB TOPPING

2 teaspoons
nutritional yeast
*

1 teaspoon dried basil

1 teaspoon dried thyme or dill

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1
⁄
8
teaspoon salt

POPCORN

1½ tablespoons high-heat oil like grapeseed or refined coconut oil

½ cup dried corn kernels

1½ tablespoons olive oil

1
⁄
8
teaspoon salt (optional)

1
Make the herb topping. Mix together the nutritional yeast, dried herbs, garlic powder, and salt in a small bowl.

2
Make the popcorn: In a large stockpot, heat the high-heat oil over medium heat. Add a couple kernels of corn, put on the lid, and shake it around every now and then. Once one of them pops that means your pan is ready. This might take up to a minute and a half.

3
When the pan is hot, add the rest of the kernels and cover that fucker up with a lid. If you have a glass lid, use that shit so you can spy on the corn. Shake the pan around every couple of seconds to keep those bitches from burning. It’s like stirring without releasing all the heat. If they don’t start popping within the first 30 seconds, turn your heat up just a bit. Soon it should sound like fucking firecrackers are going off in your kitchen. Once you hear more than a couple seconds between pops, turn off the heat. See, that took no time at all.

4
Pour the popcorn into a big bowl. Pour the olive oil all over that and stir it around to try and get a bunch covered. Sprinkle in that herb blend and toss it around. Taste and add another
1
⁄
8
teaspoon salt if that is your thing. This keeps for a couple days in an airtight container if you have the self-control.

*
This adds a vaguely cheesy taste to the popcorn and gives you that B
12
boost.
.

SPICY PICKLED CARROTS

This is a salsa bar staple around these parts. Serve these alongside your favorite tacos or burritos and nobody will say shit except thanks.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, OR ONE LARGE JAR

½ pound carrots

2 jalapeños

¾ cup distilled white vinegar

½ cup apple cider vinegar

1 teaspoon dried oregano

1 bay leaf

½ teaspoon cumin seeds

¼ teaspoon ground pepper

¼ cup slivered white or red onion

2 cloves garlic, smashed

¼ teaspoon salt

1
Cut the carrots and jalapeños into coins no thicker than ¼ inch.

2
In a saucepan, bring the vinegars, herbs, spices, onion, garlic, and salt to a boil on the stovetop. Add the carrots and jalapeños and simmer until they are slightly tender but still have some crunch, 3 to 5 minutes. Turn off the heat and pour into a large glass jar with a tight-fitting lid. Any old spaghetti sauce jar would work.

3
Let it sit at least 8 hours or overnight before serving. Will keep for at least 3 weeks in the fridge.

QUICK PICKLED
CUCUMBERS
AND ONIONS

These quick pickles go great with a breakfast bowl (
Brown Rice Bowl with Edamame and Tamari Scallion Sauce
), the
Spring Veggie Bowl
, or tossed in a salad with
Toasted Sesame Dressing
.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 2 CUPS

1 medium cucumber

¼ medium red onion

½ teaspoon salt

½ cup rice vinegar

1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar

1
Cut your cucumber in half lengthwise. Skin on or off, your call. Then cut each half into a bunch of half-moons no thicker than ¼ inch. Cut the onion into wire-coat-hanger-thin strips no longer than 2 inches.

2
Throw the cucumber and onion slices into a medium bowl, sprinkle them with the salt, and rub that all in with your hands. You could use a spoon if you are too fucking cool for school, but why? Pour in the vinegars and toss.

3
Cover this up and stick it in the fridge for 30 minutes. Stir it around and let it sit for at least another 30 minutes before it’s go time. They will keep in the fridge for about a week.

MID-SUMMER SALSA

An old-school pico de gallo–style salsa. When tomatoes are in season there is no better snack than this shit right here.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 4½ CUPS

1 pound tomatoes, chopped (about 2 cups)

½ white onion, chopped (about ½ cup)

2 to 3 cloves garlic

1 jalapeño, diced

2 tablespoons lime juice
*

1 tablespoon orange juice (optional)

¼ cup chopped cilantro

½ teaspoon salt

If you’re a picky motherfucker about salsa, you’ve got a couple options here. Mix everything together in a bowl and leave it chunky, or throw everything in a food processor and run that shit until you get the consistency your ass prefers. Maybe you like your salsa chunky, maybe not. If salsa is being served, who really gives a fuck about consistency? Chill at least 20 minutes before serving.

*
About 1 lime

GRILLED PEACH SALSA

This salsa lets people know you aren’t fucking around with your snack spread. The perfect combo between savory and sweet, this is one salsa that makes it hard to not double-dip.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 3½ CUPS

6 peaches (about 3 pounds)

½ teaspoon oil
*

1 to 2 serrano peppers, minced

½ medium red onion, chopped (about
2
⁄
3
cup)

1 medium tomato, chopped

Juice of 2 limes (about ¼ cup)

¼ teaspoon salt

Handful of cilantro

1
Cut the peaches into wedges no thicker than an inch. You can leave the skin on because everybody needs more fiber in their motherfucking diet. You should get around 12 wedges out of each peach. Throw the cut-up peaches in a large bowl with the oil and mix them all together.

2
Bring your grill to a medium-high heat. Place the peaches on there for 45 seconds or so on each side. You don’t need to cook them; you just want some char marks on there because that looks pro as fuck. Grilling the peaches also caramelizes their natural sugars, making them sweeter.

3
When the all peaches are grilled, let them cool for a couple minutes while you chop everything else up. When the peaches have cooled enough to handle, chop them up into salsa-appropriate-size pieces and then mix everything together. Let this all chill together for at least 30 minutes and then serve.

*
Grapeseed, regular sesame oil, or even olive oil would work here
.

FIRE-ROASTED SALSA

This is the salsa you make when tomatoes aren’t in season and canned is your best bet. Otherwise, make the
Mid-Summer Salsa
with your ripe tomatoes and save this for winter.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 2½ CUPS

1 can (14.5 ounces) fire-roasted diced tomatoes

½ white onion, chopped (about 1 cup)

1
⁄
3
cup chopped green onions

½ cup chopped cilantro

3 serrano peppers, chopped
*

8 cloves roasted garlic
*
*

¼ teaspoon ground cumin

Juice of ½ lime

Salt to taste

Throw all that in a food processor or blender and blend it until it’s how you like it. Chunky, smooth . . . your salsa = your rules. Taste and add more lime juice if you think it needs it. Serve chilled or at room temperature. Keeps for about 4 to 5 days in the fridge, but your willpower probably won’t allow for any leftovers.

*
You can remove the seeds if you aren’t down with a hot salsa
.

*
*
Yeah, that’s basically a whole bulb. Roasted garlic is broken down in “
How to Roast Garlic
”, but you can use 2 or 3 cloves of raw garlic if you are having a salsa emergency
.

SWEET FRESH
HERB SALSA

This shit right here is not your standard salsa. It walks that line between sweet and savory but is addictive as hell. Throw it on some
lentil tacos
, use it as a dip for veggies, or toss it with some cold noodles for a simple side. Get on it.

MAKES ABOUT
3
⁄
4
CUP

1 cup torn basil leaves

½ cup chopped cilantro

½ cup sliced green onions

1 jalapeño, minced
*

1 clove garlic, minced

3 tablespoons rice vinegar

1 tablespoon orange juice

1 tablespoon lime juice

1 tablespoon olive oil

Throw everything together in a food processor and let that bitch run until everything is minced up. No food processor? Just mince everything up extra tiny by hand and mix that shit in a cup. Done.

*
Take out the seeds if you can't stand the heat.
.