To Kiss You Again (5 page)

It takes me a minute, but finally, holding my stomach and gasping, I hiss, “You kissed me.”

Even though I am blubbering, I hear him swallow.

“I did.” It’s a whisper.

“Why?” I implore. “Why would you do that?”

Now, he paces. He runs his hand through his hair and stops in front of me. When he looks at me, I see fear in his eyes. “I don’t know why.”

“You have no idea,” I sob and snivel. “You don’t know what that did to me.”

“I’m so sorry, Jenny.” His hand reaches for me, but I bat it away.

“You were my first. I loved you, pined for you for years. When you kissed me, I thought you loved me. Why?”

“I did. I don’t know. I had to see.”

“See what? See if you could break a little girl’s heart?”

He leans in, his face only inches from mine. His breath breaks against me as he speaks. “You
knew
. Even then,
you knew
.” He shakes his head and retreats. “I wanted to believe you,” he says through clenched teeth, “but you were – you were – we were so young. You scared me.”

We are at an impasse, both of us staring, out of breath. My tears are slowing, and I see the pain in his eyes. A few moments go by, and I still don’t know what to think. My emotions are a giant knot burning into my gut. He reaches for me and cups my cheek. There are tears in his eyes. “Don’t run from me, baby girl.” His hand trembles against my skin. “Please.”

Part IV

The last year I spent on the island as a teenager could be described by so many contrasting words, and each one would be accurate. Straddling my fifteenth and sixteenth years, it was the greatest time of my life. It was also the worst. Looking back, one goal occupied most of my time.

As the hot American boy, the girls all chased me. I had my choice, but I went after the unattainable Anna. Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t ignore the other girls. Each one had their shot.

Beautiful Eleni. Every night at the movies, I sat behind her and her giggling friends, watching, smiling at the back of her head. The only reason I learned to speak Greek so quickly was to tell her I loved her. Of course, I didn’t, but it felt like it at the time.

One night, she came to the movies alone. I didn’t ask. I just sat beside her. Before intermission, I held her hand. After that, she sat with me every night. When she let me walk her home, we snuck off to a dark alley, and I kissed her. By the end of the summer, we had progressed to meeting outside of town behind an abandoned farmhouse for heavy petting. I tried like hell to get a step beyond fingering her, but she stopped me every time. We broke up when school started. I think she got sick of my begging.

There was a string of girls after her, but they all stopped me either just before I got my hand in their pants, or just after. I quit trying for a while, until I found Anna. One night, I met with my friends at the point – the gathering place for all the kids our age – and one of the regular girls, another one who wouldn’t let me do more than finger her silly, brought along her cousin, Anna.

One shy smile from her, and I was smitten. I started out slow, hoping that if I did things the proper and customary way, I might get more, but Anna remained aloof. It’s funny – I followed her around like a love sick puppy, much the same way Jenny followed me around.

One night a couple of months after we met, the other kids left us alone at the point. We sat atop the rock wall, both kicking our dangling feet around in nervous anticipation. I don’t remember what we talked about. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t take my eyes off her enticing lips. So plump and pink, they begged to be kissed. When I sensed an awkward pause in our conversation, I made my move. She didn’t pull away, and I finally tasted her.

We kissed for a long time. I took her hand and pulled her off the wall. She followed as I led her to the chapel at the point’s peak, around to the back where no one would see. I pulled her down to sit on the stone bench encircling the building. We resumed our kissing, until our lips swelled and bruised. Though I vowed to take it slow, my teenage hormones took me off course, and she didn’t stop me when my hand slid up her blouse. I was in a daze when I made it to third base, and she dared to touch me back. It was a first. None of the other girls would do anything without the protection of my jeans. Her horror when I came in her hand brought our activities to an abrupt halt, but gave me great hope for our future.

For six more months we continued our courtship. I was madly in love, and I so wanted her to give into me, be each other’s first, but our initial night of passion remained the benchmark. Things never went any further. Toward the end, she seemed angry at me most of the time, but I never knew why. When I asked, she denied it. Thinking back on it now, I might know, even though it sounds crazy.

When Jenny first came, Anna thought it was cute the way she followed us around. She teased me relentlessly, but I know she felt sorry for her. After a while, the teasing became a little harsher, and I sensed her anger. I pulled Jenny aside one day.

“Look, kid, get lost. Go play with Ginny, or someone your own age.” It didn’t feel mean when I said it, but the hurt I saw in her eyes haunted me afterward. There was something about her, a feeling like I knew she was supposed to be there. My little talk didn’t stop her, but she did try to be less obvious. Her tailing me around only served to make me feel like more of a stud, so I won’t say I minded.

A few times, our families had dinner together, and she always made sure she got to sit by me. One time, Mom let me invite Anna. When Jenny slipped in beside me, and I didn’t make her move, Anna stormed out of the party. After supper, I grabbed Jenny by the arm and yanked her into the courtyard. “Listen to me, you little shit. I’m tired of this. You need to stay the hell away from me from now on.”

She burst into tears. “I just want to be your friend, Matt.”

“Well I don’t want you as my friend. I don’t even like you.” A loud crash followed my announcement, and I thought it was the sound of her heart breaking. I watched it happen, saw the pain spread across her face. It turned out the crash was my father falling out of his chair, the first of several heart attacks. His health was what took us away from the island.

The next day, Jenny was still there, but her gaze seemed clouded, almost detached. It matched my mood. My father was rushed to Athens for the hospital and I didn’t know what was going on, but worse, Anna wouldn’t see me. At first, I thought it was just bad luck I couldn’t find her at any of our spots, but when I cornered her cousin in the agora, she told me Anna didn’t want to talk to me.

Two nights later at the point, the day I learned we were moving back to the States, the conversation quieted as I approached. Someone had been talking about her.

“What about Anna?”

“Nothing,” Maria said.

“No, I heard you. Did you say something about her and Michalé?”

“No, I didn’t say that.”

My friend, Petros, nudged me in the rib. “Michalé is bragging around town that he and Anna did it.”

The world as I knew it fell away. The stab of pain through my heart was like no other, and I raced around town to find her. She was parading the waterfront with her cousins. The immediate blush to her face when I confronted her confirmed the rumor.

I wandered aimlessly, finally settling on the rocks below the point. After a while, the dark sea blurred as unwanted tears came to my eyes, tears I refused to shed. The moment she arrived, I knew. Her gaze burned into my skin. I don’t know what possessed me, but I went to her. If I close my eyes, I can still see the joy in her face when I pushed her against the windmill. She looked up at me with utter adoration. If I wanted, she would have given it all, no matter her age. I did want it, and she didn’t hesitate when I pressed my lips to hers. With tears streaming down my face, no longer in check, I kissed her and held her tight – like she was the sanity I was afraid of losing.

A hunger filled me, and I fed on her vulnerability. Taking. Taking. It was incredible. The taste and feel of her – a balm to soothe my wounded heart. Her sweet lips against mine pulled the anguish from my body. A yearning spread through me, urging me to pluck the fruit she offered, to complete the healing. My hands burned to touch her in places she’d never been touched.
Stop
, a voice in my mind screamed. I pushed at her, backed away, “Oh my God. Oh my God.” I couldn’t stop saying it, and I left her in her breathless bliss, and ran all the way home, a hopeless wreck of confusion that would stay with me for years.

The next day, we left the island.

All these years later, again we faced one another, each a wreck of emotions and nerves. I didn’t know what to say, what I could tell her. Nothing would change the past. I ached to kiss her again, longed for that healing, but the fear in her eyes held me in place.

“Timing and circumstance screwed things last time, Jenny, but we have another chance.”  Her chin trembled in my hand as she fought off more tears. “I don’t know what to do to make you trust me – maybe I can’t, but you have to believe me when I say I would
never
hurt you.”

She broke away from my grasp, violently shaking her head. “You can’t promise that. There is no way you
can’t
hurt me. You’re hurting me right
now
.”

“No Jenny, no,” I reached for her and pulled her into my arms. “No hurting. No more.” Desperate to make her understand, I forced my lips on her. So rigid in my embrace, her body began to relax as I searched for, and found, the exquisite power of her kiss. How did I miss this on the boat? It was there, I know it now, but in my sophomoric quest to be Mr. Cool and seduce this beautiful woman, it slipped my notice.

Her fingers wound through my hair, and my body responded as she pressed against me, but I ignored it. This time, it was she who needed to heal … so many years worth of pain. I willed her to take from me, feed on my spirit. All I could give, I poured into that single kiss, just hoping to come away with a little forgiveness and a chance. I felt hope as she melted into me, and I gave more, allowed my tears to fall at last, and mingle with hers. I gave her my soul. A tremble spread between us as she accepted what I offered.

“Ginny sent me to get you guys,” I jumped. Carla stood directly behind me. “She says you need to get your asses back in there, pronto.”

Jenny backed away, wiping our tears from her face. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought I saw the same hope I felt, reflected back.

“Tell her we’ll be right there,” I said.

She regarded us carefully before retreating to the street. When I no longer heard footsteps, I asked, “Are you okay?”

Swiping at her chin and face with the back of her arm, Jenny laughed nervously. “I’m okay. You?”

“Better, now.” I pulled her to me again and dried her eyes with my thumbs. With a fragile smile, she wiped at mine, too.

“We make a pitiful pair.”

“We do indeed.”  I held out my hand. “Are you ready?”

She took a deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth. “I am,” she said. “Though I’m still spitting mad at your sister.” She placed her hand in mine.

“Ginny? Why are you mad at her?”

“For totally blindsiding me.”

“I don’t think she knew we met on the boat.”

“I’m not talking about that – I know she didn’t know. No, I’m talking about not telling me you were coming. A little heads-up would have been nice.”

“Oh, so you didn’t know either one of us would be at the opening,” I smiled and squeezed her hand.

“No, I did not,” she forced a laugh.

I stopped and halted her with me. “If you had known, would you have come?”

“I, uh, I,” she said, shaking her head. “Honestly, I don’t know.”

I started walking again and she pulled me back. “But you knew that I would be here, right?”

I looked down at our entwined hands and nodded. “I’ve been very nervous about it. In fact, I’ve been careful to avoid you—” the irony hit me and I laughed, then, I met her gaze. “Carefully avoiding you, with the handy excuse of looking for you – I’ve been looking for you,
baby girl
, since I got here.” I pulled her close again and kissed her forehead.  “But, I didn’t know what I would say, or how you,
Jennifer
, would feel about seeing me.”

My joy was short lived, because as we headed back to the restaurant, doubts began to nip at my mind – suspicions. Had she told Carla not to give me any information? Why didn’t she recognize me on the boat, or if she did, why didn’t she let on? As much time as she spent staring at me back in the day, it seemed very odd she wouldn’t know me. The last fifteen years hadn’t changed me so much as to make me unrecognizable. Though the red flag alarmed me, I tried not to let it slow me down too much. After all, the connection between us was obvious. I had to see where it led.

Part V

From the moment we return to the restaurant, time drags. I cannot still my racing thoughts. What will happen tonight? Where will things go from here? As though the anguish from our past never happened, my heart is once again carried away by dreams of Matt. I can’t say why I fixated on him all those years ago. It may have been beyond my control – the unexplainable longing and love controlled
me
when I was yet a child. I don’t think I understood it then, and now, as it washes over me once more, I understand it even less, and couldn’t stop it to save my soul.

His touch never leaves me – he either holds my hand or caresses my back with his fingertips. As I watch him try to eat with his left hand while his right maintains our contact, I can’t help but giggle. Even the wine can’t dull my delight. Neither can the daggers Carla throws my way with her sporadic glares.  I shake my head at her. If I drowned at sea, she would still be jealous of me. Our parents spoil her rotten, and she is the favorite, but still she wants my life.

I ignore her as Matt feeds me Tzatziki covered bread and pops olives in my mouth.  Time passes, but my mind remains in a fog. Niko drags me to the front of the tables to dance the Hasapiko, and I go through the motions with my arms stretched across my fellow dancers, but my gaze remains on Matt. He claps in time to the bouzouki players and joins in the calls of ‘Opa!’